Yousef, my husband, was a tall man. He had a beautiful smile. He was a really good looking guy. His eyes weren't the usual black. They were honey-like. You could've lost yourself in them. He had the kindest heart and was the most patient person I've ever met. He was also compassionate. If this life ever taught me something, it was that compassion isn't a common gift.
The first time I left Mauritania was the night of our wedding, 10th April 1986. I was amongst the rare girls who had a honeymoon. We went to Paris, la ville de la lumière. I slept during the whole trip. The trip was during the night and I was exhausted but it was mostly because I wanted to avoid talking to my new husband. Just because I was forced to get married, I vowed to myself to never give him a chance. Even though in other circumstances, I might have fallen for him. I was 16, young and stupid. Maybe, just maybe if I let him in, my life would've been a whole better. Or that's what I always told myself.
April 1986
When we arrived, he asked me many questions but I answered with nods or I don't know. After he checked us in the hotel, he decided to start a real conversation. "So Em, I heard you're a book lover. Who's your favourite writer ?" Em was the nickname my father gave me. Only Emal, my dad and Lilly, my best friend, use it. Emal must have told him. I like Em better than my actual boring name Mariam. He also knew I read. He actually asked about me and I didn't know a thing about him. Yes but he also knows you've been forced to be with him, my subconscious answered. "Yes I do. And it depends," I didn't want to talk with him. All I wanted to do was look around the more-like-house-than-a-hotel-room. At that time, I haven't seen more than my house, school, my sister's house and Lilly's ... Plus, I lived in a country where hotels were close to zero.
As I looked around the suite, I started to relax. It was breath taking. Paris was so beautiful. The lights, the streets, the cars and I had only seen it at dusk. Everything was breathtaking. As I turned around, I saw him standing few feet away from me, smiling. I had a rebellious spirit, I didn't want to show him I had any interest so I stopped grinning and walked straight past him. He walked behind me, not taking his eyes off of me. "Do you want to go outside and see the city ? If you are not tired of course. Or we could rest and later in the day, we can go anywhere you want." He seemed nice and I really wanted to see Paris. I wasn't tired and I had more energy than the time my father got me a first edition of Jane Austen's pride and prejudice. And being the selfish girl I was, I didn't care about him. "I am not. Where would we go first ? I've read lots of books and saw pictures of Paris." He had laughed a genuine laugh, "I will take you anywhere you want. We can even leave Paris for other cities too. I'm your husband and my role is to make sure you get whatever you want." He took my hand and kissed it. At that time all that really mattered was to continue studying so I had tried my luck and asked him. "Really ? Then ... If we go back to Nouakchott, I can continue studying ?" It wasn't really a question. His face fell. He wants you to be stupid the bastard. He doesn't want you to get a chance without him! I was boiling inside and my subconscious wasn't helping. But I knew I had to calm myself to get what I really wanted. "But you don't need to. I will provide for our family. I'm a wealthy man and I get paid more than anyone in Mauritania. I mean why ..." I didn't let him finish. "You said you'll get me whatever I want and all I want is knowledge. I want to study and attend university. Here in Europe, girls go to school and attend college. And that's what I want." He turned his back to me and went into the bedroom. After a moment, he answered. "I see" and he smiled. "If it's going to make you happy than of course you can." I was more than happy. He even said we could live together in Paris until I graduate from university. Of course after finishing high school back in Mauritania. He said he'd go, from time to time, and check on his business back home. After a week in Paris and one in Rome, we went back home. He made sure to give me the best of everything. From shopping to visit places and going to luxurious events.
November 1986
My life wasn't perfect but I had a plan. When I get my degrees, I was planning on getting a divorce and then I would look for a job. And I made sure during our time together to never give him kids. I mean, why would I ? My mind was made and my life was going as planed for six months. Bur one day, after classes, he was home before me. He seemed off and I didn't know why. After 6 months together, we became close but I only cared for him as a friend. Nothing more. He gave me everything I wanted and made me happy. And I gave him everything except for my virtue and my heart. He never tried to force me into anything and was very patient with me. Every time I refused to be intimate with him, he would kiss my head and wish me a good night. But that night, he forced me.
I was changing into something more confortable. I never close the door of the bathroom because I've never needed to. He always respected my privacy. While I was getting ready for a quick shower, he opened the door. "I'm in here" I said thinking he didn't know. "I know but I am your husband Mariam so I have the right to come in whenever I want to." I shuddered at his words. I was already naked and I didn't want him to see me. I tried to hide my body with my hands. But it was impossible. "Yourself, please. Go out. I need to take a shower. Please," I hoped it would make him go away but he was already in. My heart was beating so fast I thought I would die. As he was walking toward me, his faced changed. His pupils dilated. He was scaring me. I felt my tears the moment his hands touched my shoulders. He inhaled. "You've been keeping away what's mine for too long."
I cried the whole time. I didn't go to school the day after. I thought I was pregnant and all my plans were about to be destroyed. I didn't eat nor go out of the room. Sometime after down, he came knocking on my door. "Em, please open the door." When I opened it he looked as bad as I did. I hadn't changed since the previous night. But he did because he had to go to work. To be completely honest, I've never seen him like that. He looked sad or even broken. At that time I was mad and scared at the same time. Why would he do such things ? I thought he understood we were just friends. Married friends, I asked myself during the whole day. I was mad because I thought it wasn't fair. He hurt me while I was nothing but nice, I thought. But now, when I think about it, I did him wrong. I wanted to take advantage of him. Study and be the woman I wanted to, go abroad when I want to, have whatever material things I wanted and give nothing in return. But as I said, I was young, stupid and mostly, I was selfish.
"Hi", he said. I let him in and sat back on my bed. "Look, I'm sorry ... I just ... I'm doing everything to please you ... I'm sorry, believe me. I really am. If I could take it back I would. During the whole day I couldn't focus because I knew I did you wrong. I know you're trying. I really do. I was just stupid and I thought you'd give in ..." I knew he was sorry but I wanted to make him feel bad. He hurt me, physically and mentally. I thought I had everything under control but he showed me I was wrong. "I want to get a divorce", I couldn't even recognise my own voice because I was crying. He looked hurt. When he looked me in the eyes, he saw my tears and whipped them away. "I promise to never hurt you again", I flinched when he touched me. "I will never hurt you, I promise. I love you Em. I can't let you go. But I know what we need. We should go away for some time. How about two weeks in New York ? Or even London ?" He knew I loved traveling. He knew I'd never say no. "Look, rest tonight and tomorrow we can talk about it. Holidays are supposed to be next week right ? I will take care of everything. Just think about it. Please.", he kissed my head and left.
We ended up going to London because I wanted to visit it. It was December and it was christmas. It was also snowing and it doesn't back home. Nouakchott was a small city and it never snowed. The weather never went bellow 5 degrees. That was the first time I've ever seen snow. We had a good time and I even opened up to him. Now that I think about it, I used sex to get everything I wanted. I made sure to go to a doctor while in London to get birth control pills. He was against it at first but I promised it was the best thing to do. "It's just for now. Until I graduate. And we can have as many as you want. I want to be smart mother", I said while sitting on his lap in my nightgown. He ended up agreeing.
June 1987
One year and six months later I graduated from high school. I was the first female back home to make it until high school. I was nineteen and my life was just perfect. I was married to the wealthiest young man in Mauritania. I wore expensive brands and whenever we went abroad, I would wear dresses and uncover my head. Women weren't supposed to wear any revelling clothes. It still is a big issue back home. Even though while wearing our cultural dress - a dress looking like an indien Sari a girl's hair and arms were mostly seen. Not all of it. This was and still is one of the things I hate about my country. It's not the fact that we were forced but it's because of the hypocrisy of it. You see when you wear the Malhafa, our cultural dress, women usually shower the front of their hair. And if it was done because of the religion, no one would show a single hair. So what is the difference between one single hair and the whole hair ? Because let me tell you this, to Almighty, there's none.
~
Well that was part two. I hope you like it. Oh and if you have any questions about my culture or my religion I would be glad to answer.
Ps : whatever I say in the book isn't really what I think or do or feel. I kind of am able to seperate a fictionnal character from a real one. Just saying :))
Xo, A.