"Sweetheart?" I said, quirking an eyebrow. Ryan blushed and couldn't meet my eyes.
"I was trying to go for the dramatic."
I laughed and moved forward, sliding my phone into my back pocket. I shook my head and looked at the building in front of me that was Chuck E. Cheese.
"I'm not ten, you know," I said, turning back to look at him.
He seemed to not be able to look at me at all today. He mumbled something along the lines of "it was just a joke" and started back toward the car.
"Wait!" I called after him. He turned around, startled. "I didn't say I didn't want to go. I just said I wasn't ten."
Ryan had a pretty smile. His whole face would light up, starting with his lips then making its way up to his eyes. He had a dimple on his left cheek that looked absolutely delicious.
No, I thought, turning away from him and walking towards the door. You have eyes for one person. A person that's gone-
"You okay?" I was thankful for the question breaking through my thoughts. I wasn't allowed to think those things. He couldn't help that the Director stationed him somewhere else. It wasn't his fault.
"I'm fine. This is like the best day ever." You're lying to him. The best day ever was when he told you that-
"I'm glad."
Ryan ordered pizza and a lot of tokens. I wandered around the building, trying to figure out which one to play first.
"We have time," came Ryan's voice at my ear, "you can play all of them."
"I don't-" I took a breath and started again "I don't know what it feels like to be a kid. I spent my whole life stealing and trying to make sure my family had enough food to eat. I never got to play or go out with friends. I definitely never got to have any luxuries like this."
I was mildly horrified with myself for sharing such personal information. But the look on Ryan's face wasn't what I expected it to be. I expected pity. I didn't know what he was thinking at the moment.
"And now you're getting your chance," he smiled at me. His hand came towards me, as if he were about to brush a strand of hair out of my face, but then he dropped it. I brushed it off as something else.
I sauntered around the room, trying so hard to turn off the killer in me. The person inside of me that drank in every detail in cold calculation, the person that was always in defense mode. I looked around at all the little kids and their parents, brothers, sisters. I reminded myself that there was no threat here. I was completely safe.
Safe, safe, safe.
I remembered one time, for my tenth birthday, my parents had spent the whole year saving as much money as they could, just to take me out to dinner. They bought me a new dress, one that I didn't have to make from too small clothes. They let me get whatever I want from the menu, no matter the cost. They got me a cake and sang happy birthday for everyone to hear. I remembered how I felt; giddy, like I could have and do everything in the world. And I knew that's how most kids were supposed to feel. Every day.
"You seem...distant today."
I whirled around to see Ryan directly in front of my face. I expected him to jump back in embarrassment. He didn't. Instead, he reached for my hand and guided me over to the basketball game.
"I'm just a little overwhelmed," I lied in reply to his comment.
He could see right through me, but he didn't push it. Smart. "Anyways, you like basketball, don't you? Are you up for a little friendly competition?"
The grin that took over his face was dazzling. "Nothing about me is friendly," I said.
"Oh, I know that." He stole a coin from my cup and slid into the machine directly in front of me. "But we have to keep in mind that there are kids here."
I nodded and waited for him to be ready. As soon as the game started, I forgot about my depressed state. I lost myself in the competition, the encompassing desire to win. Ryan was more perceptive than I gave him credit for. He knew exactly how to distract me, how to keep me away from my thoughts.
That terrified me.
I ignored my negative thoughts. Today was supposed to be fun. I was supposed to be thanking Ryan for what he was doing.
The game was over. I had only beat him by a few points. I took a deep breath. Smirked at him. After a few more hours, our tokens were gone, and we were heading out.
"Thank you," I said to him again, the words foreign on my tongue. I looped my arm through his, and he sucked in a breath as if it pained him, but he didn't pull away. I felt my brow furrow in confusion, and I opened my mouth to speak. But he brushed me off with a wave of his hand and opened the car door for me.
I had forgotten what it was like to have a friend.
The only friend I've really ever had was Derek, the guy who guarded my hall. When I got bored, I'd come out of my room, and we'd sit in the hallway and talk. About anything. He was the first guy who hadn't ever advanced towards me sexually. I admired him for it. We were best friends, and nothing more. I tried to kiss him once, but he gently pushed me away. I asked him why. He told me straight:
"You don't want me. You want the idea of me. Physical attention. Save your body for someone who loves you. Besides, I have another girl on my mind. It would feel wrong to kiss you, then tell her how much I care about her. You see that, don't you?."
I was jerked out of my thoughts to Ryan asked me what I wanted to eat. I realized that we had pulled into the drive through of a fast-food restaurant I used to love. It was a special treat on birthdays and holidays. I ordered what I had always gotten, a spicy chicken sandwich with french fries and sweet tea. Ryan ordered his own meal.
Too soon, we were back to base. Two guards met us; one to escort us back to our room and one to take the car back to wherever it belonged. I changed and then collapsed onto my bed, exhausted from my great day. I then realized I had food to eat, so I got up to sit at the table.
And too soon, someone was knocking on the door. I groaned, thankful that Ryan got up to get it. Director. Again.
"Good evening," he said, walking right into the room. I couldn't help but feel a little annoyed - could I get some peace and quiet for once? All I wanted to do was sit here and eat with Ryan...
"I have some news." And I was paying attention again, scolding myself for my thoughts. "Your mission to infiltrate our enemy's base will be postponed by...a little bit."
"How long is a little bit?" I asked. That mission was supposed to be next week.
"A month."
"A month! Why?" I was protesting only because I had nothing else to do in the meantime. Though Ryan's company did quell my boredom, it wasn't enough.
"We want them to think we aren't going to retaliate. We want them to think that we're hiding, that we don't think we're strong enough to deal with them."
"And what's to happen to the spies?"
"Simple: they will be executed. And you will be in charge of it."
I flinched. Me, in charge of the executions? I did enough killing. I didn't particularly mind, but that didn't mean that I wanted any more blood on my hands.
I wiped all emotion from myself, my good day quickly coming to an end. I couldn't spare a glance at Ryan and the look of disgust that was surely on his face. It would make everything so much harder.
"When are the executions?" My voice was cold, unfeeling. I sounded like a monster.
Because you are, my subconscious chided me.
"We will be doing two a week. We have a total of twenty spies that we've caught. The first two are on Wednesday, and the rest will go every Wednesday after that. You are to make it torturous and painful and slow. It should keep you busy for a while. I expect you to get as much information out of them as possible." Then, the Director turned around and left.
I nodded. It was all I could do. Distraction, was what I needed. And I needed it now. I finished my food quickly and brushed my teeth. I couldn't stop looking at Ryan. He would make a good distraction, but quite possibly at the cost of our friendship. I looked down at myself. I had been trying to tempt him without even realizing it. I was some of my shortest pajama short and a matching tank top, and they both clung to my every curve. And I certainly could tell they did their job. The look on Ryan's face was priceless when he came into the bathroom to brush his own teeth.
I stopped him before he could walk out. I could tell he was trying to stay away from me, trying to keep himself from looking at my body.
"Ryan," I chimed, stepping closer to him.
"Yes?" His voice was hoarse.
"Are you up for a game?" That was a mistake. He read deeper in the words than I wanted him to. In an instant, his gaze changed from longing to offended.
"Rachel, I'm not going to be your distraction. Just because you found out that you have to do something you don't want to doesn't mean that you get to hurt other people."
Ouch. That was like a punch in the gut. He stalked past me and laid down in his bed.
I sighed and pulled my robe on, sliding out the door. I called out Derek's name, and he was at my side in seconds.
"You called?" he said, his brown hair falling into his face and a smile on his lips. I wrapped my arms around him and he hugged me back.
"Will you sit with me?" I asked.
We slid to the floor and I leaned into him. This is what having a brother would feel like.
"What did you do?" His tone was teasing.
"I screwed up, that's what I did."
"You mean Ryan said something to you that you didn't want to hear."
"Why does he have to be so good at seeing through me?" I whined.
"You tried to use him as a distraction."
"I told you I screwed up. We were just becoming friends."
"You want me to take you to find a distraction."
I smiled slightly. "I don't even have to ask."
He turned to look at me, his brown eyes piercing into mine. "I know you remember what I said. Think of Alexander."
My heartbeat sped up just hearing his name, but I pushed it down. "I just, it's one of those moods. And I need to stop thinking about it."
"You've been here for exactly four years today."
"Stop being so goddamn observant. It's not getting you anywhere."
Derek gave a sigh of defeat and stood up. I took his outstretched hand and let him pull me up.
"I hope you don't plan on going in that," he chuckled, eyeing my unicorn socks.
"Of course not," I scoffed. "I'll be right back."
I slid back into the room to find Ryan sitting up on his bed with his Nook balanced on his knees, reading. I went to the bathroom and changed into a party outfit.
"Where are you going?" He sounded tired. I gave him a small smile.
"Out with Derek."
"Our guard?"
"He's my best friend." I said defensively. Ryan scoffed. "Not like that," I added.
I walked out to find that Derek had changed and gotten someone else to take his place. I hooked my arm through his like I had done to Ryan earlier that day, except now it felt much more natural. More platonic.
The party was a small one tonight, mostly because it was a weeknight. Most of these guys had to work tomorrow. Everyone recognized us immediately and surrounded to give us heys and where have you beens. I realized that this is the first time I'd been to a party in over a month. The last time I'd been here, Ryan had only been my partner for a week.
I took a drink from Sam's hand, and looked around for who I wanted my distraction to be. My eye's lazily made their way around the room until one guy caught my interest - he looked like my Alex.
And he must've been new, because I hadn't seen him before. I downed the rest of my drink and grabbed another before walking over to him.
"You're new," I commented, stepping close to him. He smiled at me.
"That's true. Would you like to dance?" His voice was deep and velvety.
I nodded, setting my now empty cup down and letting him guide me to the floor. There were definitely more guys than girls, but it was always like that.
"What's your name?" I asked as he put his hands on my waist and my body was flush up against his.
"Ian. You?"
"Rachel."
I started to slide my body against his, loving his reaction. I bit my lip and looked up at him, placing my fingers in his hair. The drinks I had were strong, and I was already out of it. If I tilted my head just far enough to the right, Ian looked like my Alex. And what would I do if I had my Alex right now?
I'd kiss him.
I did just that. Pressed my lips against Ian's, feeling his mouth part instantly under mine. His tongue slid along my bottom lip, and I pulled his body closer to mine. His hands were all over my body, along my butt and my waist and my breasts and I was glad he was experienced. He let out a moan into my mouth as I took his lip in between my teeth. His lips moved down to my neck and I shuddered as he sucked on the skin on my collarbone, and he broke away and looked up at me.
"My room." It wasn't a question, it was a demand. I pulled him down and nipped gently on the skin of his neck.
"Let's not waste any time."
I caught Derek's gaze as he left and waved at him. He was sitting with a group of guys, not a girl around him, with water. He lifted his hand in response, but I could tell he was disappointed in me. He looked at Ian and mouthed one word at me, a name. I flipped him off. Leave it to him to ruin my night.
His room wasn't far from the party, and when we got inside he locked the door behind him.
It took him no less than a minute to get his lips back to mine.