billie eilish — sHE'S brOKen
beita
/bay-ee-tah/
she was in the library today, another substitute for her last class so she got a pass as fast as she could, going to the library so she could drown her loneliness in pages.
reading the words, letting them slowly soak into her mind, letting them give her an identity, a purpose.
she looks up quickly, seeing someone pass by before lowering her blank eyes once again, again to the black marks on the stark white page.
a ghost of a smile flittered across her face as she read, making her face glow onto the paper. no one paid attention to her, she was invisible in the most painful, sad way. she could disappear and she genuinely believed no one would ever notice. so instead of letting it hurt her, she reveled in it.
she flipped another page, triumphantly smirking as the main character did something she liked. she liked to think she was a book character, one that made words come alive under her fingers, one snap and you see the world how she does.
she wanted to be empty, but able to fill you. she was invisible, but she wanted to make it seem like she was larger than life. she wanted to be graceful as she broke hearts, to have people tell you to not fall in love with her, that she would only throw your heart away like it was a paperback she didn't like.
she wanted to be everything she wasn't, everything she couldn't be.
like a mysterious heroine in a novel, burdened with pain she bravely carried, but no one knew and everyone was in awe.
___
this book makes me cringe