What follows is the silly review I made on chapter 18 from The Black Want, by TheAgminateMan, as part of the NBR Contest (more info on DawnStarling's profile)
I had a lot of fun writing this and Michael (TheAgminateMan) chose it as the best review among the fifty his chapter received during his spotlight week. He also let me publish it here.
You may not understand every references. In that case, go read The Black Want. I bet you'll enjoy it!
***
- Ok Sam... Time to shine! I know you can do better than second runner up!
- But I already tore Mike down as much as I could while in-text commenting. And as it's a great chapter, this overall review will end up looking like ass-kissing.
- Come on! I know you're just a bully, I'm sure you'll find something to make the man cry. Furthermore, is he not a friend of yours? Maybe he'll pick your review out of pity.
- Nah... Michael has integrity!
- Pshaw! Integrity... This useless trait is so overrated. Anyway, start by congratulating him for his spotlight. Everybody does that.
- Yes, people are...
- Hypocrites!
- Polite! And here, congrats ARE in order! Mike earned the spotlight by becoming a three crowners!
- And who made that possible?
- Hmm... Him, by giving awesome reviews?
- YOU, sissy! You vote for him, remember? So he'll vote for you!
- I'm not exactly sure that works like that.
- Really? Then tell me how it works, smart ass!
- You have to give pertinent advice and answer the author's questions as thoroughly as possible, giving arguments and...
- You're so screwed!
- ...
- Was it THAT good anyway?
- Well, it was chapter 18 and it took me three separate occasions...
- I told you to let your baby cry. Who cares if he's hungry?
- And I stopped to comment and research strange English words, etc... But I was caught in it anyway! The descriptions are beautiful and vivid, the living dreams are a lesson of imagination, the atmosphere is rightfully creepy and the characters' voices are brilliant-Taygrend's especially.
- You told me you confused Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum!
- Hevreol and Evrand!
- Whatever! What kind of names are those anyway?
- The names are just fine in my opinion, but you're right...
- Ah!
- About me getting confused-their voices are not different enough and, as I told him, some dialogue tags are needed to help readers see who's who. But, once again, we're far into the story and I think that reading the first seventeen chapters might do away with the confusion.
- Brown nose!
- ...
- What about the "emotional pressure on the character"?
- The complication? About that, the fact that it's chapter 18th is a big plus, as I think it's difficult to achieve a good complication in a first chapter. Well, here it's Hevreol's PoV (even if I couldn't help but think about an omniscient narrator reading some lengthy descriptions and the sentence "And they did."). So the major shift in his beliefs is about the madness of his brother, and his feeling toward their father. Obviously, this will lead to something interesting before the end of the story.
- We're talking about the guy frowning at his sword, right? Weeeeiiiiirddooooooo!
- Anyway... Mike's first question is about his style. He's wondering if it's clear enough, as it's not Wattpad typical.
- Translation: he's not butchering English and he wants to know if teenagers can understand refined vocabulary.
- That's one way to put it. But as I also write a story breaking the Wattpad codes...
- Bragging!
- What I mean is that Mike shouldn't care about Wattpad standards. He's writing a story, not a Wattpad story. Furthermore, his style is clear, with a good flow. And when it wasn't the case, I told him.
- You just agreed with others!
- Well, not only! I...
- Lazy!
- Ok, whatever! Mike's chapter progresses logically, indeed. I didn't spot any inconsistencies.
- Maybe someone will. You'll just have to agree, then...
- ...
- Next question?
- Was about tension.
- You seem tense!
- And you seem to be a mother fuc...
- Tension?
- Yes, yes, tension! The tension is already high when the chapter begins and it stays that way almost until the end. Even when the troop realizes that the dream can't hurt them, the description of the monstrosity is enough to keep the reader on the edge of their seat.
- Were you not in bed when you read most of the chapter?
- Really?
- Why not? It's not my fault if you don't have any sense of humor. So tension is good throughout the chapter, right?
- Well, not really.
- Ladies and gentleman, Sam-the-ass-kisser will now perform an act of criticism. He's a trained professional. Don't attempt this at home.
- ...
- Go on! Don't be shy! Your public is waiting!
- It's more nitpicking than a critique...
- Booooooo!
- But, at the end, the troop seems very passive towards the flow of God-sent soldiers-and I couldn't quite picture where the human soldiers were, and where the phantoms were going. said that Hevreol seemed more focused on the landscape than the Want, and I tend to agree. Kinda. Luckily, Mike raises the stakes again at the very end of the chapter.
- He screwed up!
- I did not say that!
- Sure you didn't... but kinda...
- ...
- I bet last question was, "will you read further?"
- It was about the overall draw.
- Potayto, potahto...
- Shut up already! I already added his book to my reading list. I think it answers the question pretty efficiently.
- LOL! Yes, I just lolled you! Your reading list? Your "I'll never read your book, but I want to be your friend" list?
- I'm very busy, you know.
- You're typing this awkward review from work!
- ...
- Burned!!!
- I hate you!
- Don't blame me for your schizophrenia! I'm just the voice in YOUR head!
- Can we at least agree on the great time we had reading Mike's chapter?
- Bah... If it makes you stop pouting.