A/N - Sorry for the delay. Had exams, fell sick and finally managed to write this when I'm on vacation. Please ignore typos.. Didn't have time to edit.
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I sat, next to the large window frame in the living room, my hands curled around the big cup of coffee Mukti made me as I absently gazed at the steady downpour.. the way the huge drops of rain crashed against the ground. The state of my heart was no better. It was shattering a little more with each passing second, just like those perfect raindrops when they crashed onto the ground.
And why not? All the dark memories I had left behind were threatening to haul me back into the darkness and I was left to fight with them all alone.
It all began with catching sight of that hospital. As Harshad drove us back from the airport, I saw that dreadful building.. The same place Manik had spent months of coma in..The same place I lost my baby boy.
The amount of grief I had suffered in there was tremendous and I didn't even want to think about those days. I fought with all the overwhelming emotions by reminding myself of my angel Tara's birth over there. But how much ever I tried thinking positively, the bitter past had me hurting and the only person who could heal me was miles away from me.
''Nandini, beta.. Come and join us na.. Wahan baith ke kya soch rahi ho?'' Uncle Rajiv suddenly called out to me, breaking my depressing line of thought. I looked back at him and shook my head, forcing my lips to lift up into a small polite smile. Harshad and Mukti sat beside him on the large couch while Tara sat on his lap, happily munching on cookies from his hand and rambling about her playschool to all of them.
''Samjha karo Dad...Bina mausam barsaat dekh kar apney Romeo husband ki yaad aagayi hogi ..'' Mukti looked at me and teased while Harshad laughed. I simply smiled in response and turned my face away. She wasn't completely wrong. I had been thinking about Manik.. But it wasn't the rain that reminded me about him, he was always there on my mind.
It had been 2 hours since I entered my old house and met Uncle, and feelings of guilt were also dragging me down along with the past. He'd feel so betrayed if he comes to know I met Uncle.. He'd never join me here.
''You should've bought him along. I have to make it up to him too.'' I had zoned out for the second time and Uncle's regretful voice made me look up once again. I gulped nervously and he noticed. ''Manik hasn't forgiven me, right?'' He asked in a crestfallen manner.
''Woh.. Actually.. Uncle..''
The doorbell rang just then, and I ran to open the door, sending a million silent thanks to whoever it was. for saving me from that uncomfortable situation.
''Nandu!!!!!''
I was immediately being crushed by two people. ''Cabir, Navya.. Guys, let me breathe!!'' I exclaimed, laughing at their excitement and joy. They finally left me and we stared at each other's flushed faces happily for a moment. Though we were very happy to see each other, Manik's absence left a void that couldn't be filled and somewhere, it affected everyone.. They had been Manik's friends first afterall and had known him much before I did.
''Cabil uncle.. Navaa aunty!!'' My baby entered our little reunion at the right moment and the entire attention got diverted to her. Cabir and Navya picked her up and hovered around her, pulling her cheeks and giving her innumerable kisses.
My phone suddenly began ringing and I squealed in joy looking at the name that flashed on the screen. Manik.
Cabir realised who it was from that instant joyful glow on my face and grabbed the phone from my hand before I could answer it.
He answered the call and laughed naughtily after putting it to his ear. ''Hello.. Yes baby, I have reached safely and miss you loads too.'' He spoke funnily, trying to imitate me and I turned red in the face. He cracked up at whatever response he got and I impatiently tapped on his shoulder.. I couldn't wait to hear my Monster's voice. He had been at some album recording, which is why I couldn't call him earlier and by now, my patience had almost depleted.
''Manik.. Aa bhi jaa yaar.. Dekh, Nandini thodi beemar bhi lag rahi hai.. Tere yaad mein khaana peena chod diya hai ladki ne..'' Cabir clucked his tongue and began his silly banter. I shook my head, knowing Manik would become sick with worry listening to all of that. ''Haan haan deta hoon usko..'' He said and placed the phone on to my ear and I glared at him. He gave me a thumbs-up and got busy with Tara once again.
''Haan Manik, bolo.'' I spoke into the phone and moved into one of the bedrooms, so that I could absorb his voice in peace and gather strength from it.
''Yeh main kya sun raha hoon, Nandini? Don't tell me you aren't taking care of yourself.'' Manik scolded me, his concerned tone only managing invoke upsetting feelings along with some amount of anger . The stubborn monster was so worried for me, yet couldn't come here to make sure I would take care of myself. He doesn' t even have any idea of how much pain I've gone through since I've landed here.
''Ab aadat nahi rahi na apna khayaal rakhne ki.. You have been taking care of me for so long, I have forgotten how to do it myself.'' I responded, hoping he could hear the hurt in my voice. I had initially wanted to tell him Cabir was just joking and I was doing fine, but my feelings now made me go along with the joke and I hoped he would come rushing to me.
''Please don't do this to yourself. And who will take care of Tara if you fall ill.. Apna nahi toh uske baarein mein socho..'' He begged helplessly and by now I felt pity for him. As much as the selfish part of me wanted him next to me, I couldn't let him stop eating and drinking because of our worry.
''Okay okay, relax.. I'm fine. Cabir was only messing with you.'' I admitted unwillingly.
He sighed in relief ''Don't scare me like that! You know how much I love..''
I wasn't fortunate enough to hear him confess completely.
''Nandini beta.. Where are you?! The table is laid. Lets have dinner.. Tara is also looking for you!!''
My mouth went dry and I clutched at the phone with both hands nervously. Manik had stopped mid-way listening to the voice that was calling me. Did he recognise who it was? I hoped with my entire being he hadn't.
''No. This cannot happen. You did not do that.'' I heard him softly speaking, more to himself, in disbelief. What I was dreading had actually happened. I didn't want Manik to come to know of my reunion with Uncle until he came here himself and now he knew.
''How could you.. You promised me.. And my Tara is with that ass?'' He was very hurt and the pain in his voice threatened to break me too. ''Manik, please try and understand.. He's very sorry for what he has done.'' I tried consoling him, mentally cursing the distance between us. I couldn't even look at him, hold him and try to prevent any probable misunderstandings with my assuring touch.
''You have betrayed my trust, Nandini Malhotra.''
''Manik..listen to me..It was just..''
''You have hurt me big-time.''
''Manik? Are you there? Manik?''
''....''
Only silence met me. The line had been disconnected.
The damage was done.
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It was Cabir and Navya's haldi ceremony the next day and so they had to leave immediately after dinner, having lots of last-minute preparations to look after. Harshad left along with them because Uncle Rajiv had been giving hints that it was time he leave too and he was smart enough to pick those hints. I had tried maintaining a smile throughout dinner and didn't let anyone know about our misunderstanding, despite the turmoil I was mentally going through. I sent Manik many texts from under the dinner table but there hadn't been any response.
I decided to put the little one to sleep after dinner because she had jumping around the entire day and needed rest. Even on the flight, her sleep was very interrupted and I couldn't ignore her needs because of what was happening.
''Ninni time Tara!!'' I sang in a fake cheerful tone and picked her up.
''Nooo Mummy..'' She groaned. ''You're a good girl na? Say good-night to Nanu and Mukti aunty now.''
Instead of wishing them good-bye, she buried her upset and annoyed face in my shoulder. I smiled apologetically but Mukti and Uncle just laughed.
''Lekar jao usey.. She needs sleep.'' Uncle said and ruffled her hair affectionately ''Goodnight angel.''
Mukti wished us a goodnight too and I carried her upstairs. Once I climbed onto the bed, she began wailing ''But I want Daaaddyyyy for ninni..''
She was used to sleeping beside him, listening to him sing and letting him cuddle her protectively.
''You know he's not here na baby. You will meet him soon.. For today, Mummy will make you sleep.'' I tried consoling her and began singing and cuddling her but she refused to hush. She loved listening to me sing generally but at night time, she was particularly used to Manik soothing her with his mesmerizing voice and by now, so was I. And I had no qualms in admitting I was nowhere close to singing like Manik.. He was in a completely different league. He had the ability to evoke whatever feeling he wanted simply with his music.
''I want Daddy's shong. Pweashh mummy.. I want Daddy.'' She tugged at my top and I blinked helplessly at her. Probably if I was allowed to, I would wail the same way for Manik.. I was also desperate to have him with me.
''Okay, Since he's so faaar away, let's call Daddy and ask him to sing a song for his princess?'' Tara deliberated over my suggestion for a moment with soggy eyes and finally nodded a slight bit. I picked up my phone and dialled Manik.. Like all my previous messages and calls, this one also went unattended.
I sighed in disappointment. Tara sniffled, threatening to burst into tears once again.
''Maybe Daddy's busy with work baby. I'll play one of Daddy's songs from my phone okay?''
I scrolled through his voice recordings I had on my phone and randomly pressed one of them.
Tum ho toh lagta hai main hoon..
Na ho toh lagta hai kyun hoon
Tum ho to udta hai mann yeh..
Na ho toh tehra sa hai kyun
I placed my phone on the bedside table and turned back to my baby. Tara didn't look entirely satisfied but the drowsiness from the entire day soon took over her and she slumped onto me. I held her tiny body close to me and gently kissed her chubby cheeks and rubbed her back.
I switched off the small lamp beside me, so that Mukti wouldn't notice my miserable expression and nostalgic tears if she entered to check up on us. The song bought endless memories to me.
Ho sake toh rehna tum saath mere
Ho burey ya acche halaat mere..
Zindagi bhar rehna tum saath mere..
Ho burey ya ache halaat mere...
Saath mere.. O... Saath mere.
This was the same song Manik had sung the day I met him on the hospital terrace after my delivery, when he had finally woke up from coma. I still clearly remembered how his love filled eyes gazed at me like I was a beautiful dream and how we had reunited under the stars. I had lost my son - Tara's twin brother just then and was hurting extremely bad, but Manik had been there and his embrace had given me the required strength and stopped me from collapsing.
I needed that strength once again. But this time, he wasn't with me. No, Nandini.. You cannot fall weak now. Tara needs you.
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, allowing myself to feel his presence through his voice. It felt like he was beside me once again, carressing my face and assuring me we will get through everything together like always.
The song ended and I opened my eyes. This time, I felt stronger though. I wasn't crying anymore.
We wouldn't break apart. No, as long as we can see the same sky, breathe the same air and step on the same planet, no amount of distance could seperate us.
I couldn't give up.
I settled Tara very gently onto the pillow beside me, picked my phone and texted him once more. No, not any long explanations or pleas to call me back. Simply something I wanted him to always remember - 'I love you Manik.'
My heart skipped a beat as I saw the 'online' sign suddenly pop up next to his name. And finally came his reply.
Something I had been dying to hear since forever.
Three words that weren't 'I love you' but meant the world to me.
'I'm coming there.'
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