C H A P T E R 1 2 | D E A N
"Are you sure you're okay?" Holden asked one morning, his voice slow as he eyed me skeptically and with worry.
My breathing was heavy as I dropped a pair of weights to the ground, hearing the groan of the floor boards underneath. My hair was matted to my forehead with sweat, and while I was in desperate need for a shower before Katie arrived, I knew that to build my strength back up I had at least two more reps before I could quit.
"I'm fine," I replied, my throat dry. Reaching for my half empty water bottle that I'd left beside the couch, I gulped down a healthy amount before returning my grip to the dumbbells.
It had been more than a couple of weeks since my physiotherapist had recommended I get back into a routine – something to help rebuild the strength I'd lost as a result of the accident. I hadn't seen much of a point whilst I'd been confined to a wheelchair, but once I'd regained a chunk of mobility, and had gotten used to my crutches and cast, I'd taken his advice.
However, thinking I could get right back into my old routine had been a mistake, as well as an eye opener.
The gym was fairly empty the first night I'd tagged along with Holden. There were a few people I recognized, but I hadn't paid much attention to them as I stretched out my muscles and started with a few simple exercises I was able to do without putting much pressure on my leg. When I'd begun loading the weight plates onto the the iron bar, Holden watched me warily, especially as I continued until I was at a weight I had once been comfortable with. He hadn't stopped me – afraid to knock down my determination - but had stood silently behind me as a spotter, and I was thankful he did.
The weighted down bar had nearly dropped down on my chest, Holden catching and supporting it at the last minute. It was as he slid the weights off, one by one until I could properly lift the bar, that I felt my heart sinking. It hadn't truly registered until that moment how much I'd lost.
Leaving the gym that night I'd been embarrassed. With my crutches supporting me and my glasses hanging on the bridge of my nose as I ducked my head, it felt as though everyone was watching me. Heavy gazes bore into my back, full of pity and amusement, and I found myself unable to turn around as Holden walked along beside me.
It wasn't fair. I'd worked hard and this is the hand I'd been dealt.
But I'd grown up being told that if I wanted something bad enough, the work I put in along the way would be worth it in the end.
And right now I wanted to heal – more than anything.
So a routine formed. I found myself waking up earlier than normal, stretching out my muscles and working with the dumbbells I'd kept in the apartment. The mornings were the hardest however, because as I finished with a workout and showered, I was cutting it close most days when Katie arrived to find me forcing down my breakfast in a hurry.
It wasn't that I didn't want her to know that I was getting back into shape, but a small fear kept me from talking about it, believing that, instead of encouragement, I'd receive sympathy as I overworked myself.
At school I'd take the stairs, and while challenging, I found it rewarding in a way – knowing that I was on my way to a full recovery.
The evenings were when I really tried to push the boundaries. Keeping up with my assignments was still a priority, but instead of relaxing once they were finished, I made my way towards the gym nightly. Sometimes Holden would come with me, and other times, when he was focusing on his coursework or had other plans, I went by myself. This was when I tried to rebuild the strength in my entire upper body, switching my focus daily between my arms, my shoulders, and my back. I made sure to talk with one of the professional trainers, and listened to his recommendations on exercises I could execute safely without putting strenuous pressure on my injury.
It made me motivated – like I was working towards something – and I craved that feeling.
What I hadn't planned however, was continuing to sneak into the campus gymnasium and overlook the basketball practices. It seemed to be something I couldn't let go of, and almost every day I found myself up in the rooftop bleachers, hidden from view as I watched my teammates on the court below.
With each drill I watched, frustration and jealousy coursed through me. It used to be me driving towards the net for a lay-up or practicing offensive plays to get around the toughest defense, but now I was a spectator. I simply watched, all too aware of the fact that the longer I didn't play, the smaller my chances were at continuing at all.
Maybe that was why, one afternoon in early November, I'd stayed. Waiting until the lights dimmed and I saw the last of my teammates trickle out from the locker room, I made my way downstairs and into the gym. The sound of my crutches repeatedly hitting the floor echoed through the air, stopping only as I halted my steps at the edge of the court. It'd been over two months since I'd been on a court, and as I took a few hesitant steps forward, it felt like nothing had changed. Two nets still hung ten feet high at either end, the lines etched into the wood were the same, and the balls were loaded onto the same trolley they'd always been.
Indecision clouded my mind, but after casting my gaze around the empty gym, I made my way towards the rack of balls, grabbing one from the top row. Limping closer to the free throw line, I let my crutches drop and shifted my weight onto my good leg as I found my balance. Getting a feel for it, I dribbled the ball a few times, the sound radiating loudly in the air before I lined up the shot – one I'd made a thousand times before – and let the ball fly.
It missed.
Believing it to be a fluke, that I just had to warm up a bit more, I retrieved the ball again, shooting again, this time with a little more power behind it.
Except the ball barely grazed the netting before hitting the floor with a dull thud.
I tried again and again, though each time I missed the basket a mixture of discouragement and irritation ran through my veins.
Half an hour later, I was still there, defeat washing over my features as collected the ball once more. Attempting to calm myself, I closed my eyes for a quick moment, releasing the pent up anger in my muscles before zeroing in on my target. With my elbows bent and my feet spread shoulder length apart, I let the ball roll up my palm and off the tips of my fingers as it headed towards the basket.
And to my surprise and satisfaction, the sound of the ball swishing through the hoop met my ears.
It was then that the lights flickered to life and I froze, knowing the only way to turn them on was a switch located near the main entrance. I gulped as I turned towards the doors, expecting my coach to be standing there with a mass of questions.
But it wasn't.
Instead, Katie stood there with her bag tossed over her shoulder and an undecipherable glow to her eyes. As my gaze caught hers, her lips twitched upwards and she took a few steps towards me. "Hey."
"Hi," I forced out, my voice gruffer than I intended it to be, "How long have you been there?"
"A few minutes," she replied, bringing the corner of her lip between her teeth nervously.
"How did you know where to find me?"
"I saw you one day after class," she admitted sheepishly, causing a sinking feeling to grow in the pit of my stomach. She knew – but she'd never said anything. "I thought you were just talking to your coach that day, but when I kept seeing you head over here after classes, I figured it was something else, so I just left you to it." She was standing next to me now, and her eyes moved to the ball that had rolled to a stop against the wall before meeting mine again. "Is this what you've been doing?"
Her voice was curious, and surprisingly, there was no hint of judgement as she tilted her head slightly, waiting for me to reply. "Not really," I sighed, bending down to pick up my crutches. Positioning them to better my balance, I noticed Katie shifting closer to me. "I've kind of just been watching my teammates practice," I replied, a hint of embarrassment seeping into my voice as I nodded up to the rooftop bleachers.
Her eyebrows rose, surprise flitting across her face. "And none of them know?"
As my lips thinned out, my silence was enough of an answer.
"I'm guessing that's why the lights were off then?" she asked bemusedly, lightening the mood enough for me to crack a smile in return. "Do you have to hide though?" she continued, "I mean, I'm sure your coach wouldn't mind you watching from the sidelines."
I shrugged, not really knowing how to explain the thought process that was going through my head. "I don't know," I paused, trying to formulate some kind of response, "It's just not the same. If I'm down here I feel like I'm a part of the team, and since my accident, I haven't felt that way. My coach barely spoke to me when he visited in the hospital and my teammates have their own lives – none of them have time to worry about if and when I can play again."
"It looks to me like you're pretty determined to play," she pointed out, the edges of her lips tilting upwards in encouragement.
"I am." I nodded in confirmation. "But this is the first time I've been on a court in a few months."
"Well," Katie began, a gleam in her eye as she went to retrieve the ball I'd been using and passed it back to me, "Show me what you've got."
The words got stuck in my throat as I tried to protest. "I don't... I can't – "
"Dean," she said gently, cutting me off. Unexpectedly, she reached out until her hand was on my arm, squeezing encouragingly. "I'm not here to judge you. I just want to see you happy, and I know this sport does that."
Several beats of silence ensued as her optimism caused gratitude to well in my heart, and knowing that it was just her and I in the gym, I found myself nodding, wordlessly agreeing to her request. My nerves came alive as a smile grew on her lips and she headed for the bleachers, her eyes trained solely on me as they lit up with expectation and reassurance.
It took a few moments to compose myself, taking a few calming breaths as I took to dribbling the ball again. When I finally began to shoot, I found myself missing almost every time, but when one hit the backboard and fell through the hoop, the confidence that had begun to fade started to return. I took a few extra shots, sinking two and missing three, and glancing nervously to the sidelines to see Katie still sitting there, I moved backwards a few steps. Angling my shot differently as I aimed for a three-pointer, I was stunned as the ball flew through the air and swished almost effortlessly through the basket.
"See," Katie chirped happily, leaving her bag on the bleachers as she moved towards me, "I told you could do it."
Unable to stop a smile of my own, I nodded in affirmation. "You did."
What happened next was unexpected. I didn't know if Katie had meant to bump my hip, or maybe she'd try to hug me, but whatever the case, as her body collided with mine, I felt my balance falter. My arms reached out for her waist at the same time her hands landed on my chest in an attempt to stable me.
A flicker of panic crossed her features as she looked up at me with wide eyes. "Sorry."
It was hard to be mad in that moment, our close proximity registering with me right away. If I'd been braver, I might have taken the opportunity to lean in and close the distance between us, kissing her like I'd wanted to since our lips brushed accidentally all those months ago.
But I couldn't find it in me to take that chance just yet, and so I said, "It's fine Katie."
My words had a breathy tone to them, which only seemed to make Katie realize our current position. She drew her hands back quickly and casted her gaze downwards, but while I loosened my grip on her waist, I couldn't bring myself to let my arms fall just yet.
As an idea popped into my head, I pulled her closer, forcing her gaze upwards as I smiled down at her.
"Do you have to work tonight?" When she shook her head, biting her lip nervously, it took all the strength I had not to stare. "Did you want to go for a drive?"
Her eyebrows drew closer together as curiosity and intrigue encased her features. "Where to?"
"You'll see."
−−−−−−−−−−
"Are you going to tell me where we're going?"
Katie looked over at me skeptically, returning her gaze to the road ahead a moment later. After leaving the campus parking lot, I'd directed her onto the highway, but had kept our destination a secret. We'd now been driving for almost forty-five minutes, and with the traffic moving smoothly, I knew we were getting close.
I could see her glancing at every road sign we passed, but since the place in mind wasn't all that advertised, and more of a hidden gem for the locals, I knew there was a slim chance of her figuring it out.
I shook my head in response, a grin curling on my lips. "We'll be there in a few minutes."
"You know, if you're just making me drive all this way just to grab a burger, you're gonna be the one driving home."
I hadn't meant to inhale sharply at the mention of me driving, but the reaction was automatic. Getting back behind the wheel was something I hadn't really thought about, but I knew that eventually my cast would come off, which meant I'd be cleared to drive. She'd said it as a joke, laughing lightly until she sobered when she noticed how uncomfortable I'd suddenly become.
"I, uh," she said, struggling to come up with the right words, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."
I breathed out heavily, running a hand through my hair messily. "It's okay," I replied sincerely, though my voice wavered slightly. "Honestly, I'm fine being in a car, it doesn't bother me. I just haven't been in the driver's seat since the accident, and I don't know if I'll feel as composed when I'm the one in control."
"Okay," she nodded, "Well when you're feeling up for it – "
"You'll be there," I finished for her, a gentle smile pulling at my lips to mirror her own. "I know."
Averting my gaze to the window, I found myself enjoying the silence. Katie and I had long since given up on trying to choose a radio station we both agreed on, but the atmosphere in the confined space of my car wasn't the least bit awkward – it was comfortable.
Realizing we were nearing our destination, Katie's nose scrunched up in confusion as I told her to take the next exit, though she turned her blinker on and moved into the right line. Veering off the highway, we headed down the side roads, and with a sparse amount stores and houses, I figured Katie's confusion was only increasing. It wasn't long before the open grounds came up on our left, and as I pointed out our destination to Katie, the car slowed and her eyes widened in surprise.
Raleigh Road Outdoor Theatre.
The words were scripted onto a large marquee-type sign that stood at the front of the field. Underneath them, there were letters stuck on, one by one, to display the movies that would play tonight as a part of the double feature, along with what times they were projected to start.
"What is this place?"
"It's a drive-in," I said, though it was self-explanatory as she eased the car slowly along the mostly-dead grass.
"I can see that," she rolled her eyes, "But in November?"
The temperature had definitely dropped over the months, the chilling breeze currently blocked as the windows of the car were sealed tight. It was strange that this place was still open, but after I'd subtly checked their website on the way here to make sure they hadn't closed down for the season, I didn't see a reason not to come.
There was a big screen set up at one end of the field, and even though it was late in the year, there were already a few crooked rows of cars already parked up front. Finding it difficult to maneuver much closer, Katie pulled the car to a stop behind a slightly rusted pickup, taking the keys out of the ignition and dropping them onto the center console.
"I guess if people are still willing to sit out in the cold," I started, nodding to a few brave souls who had brought a mound of blankets and were setting up to watch from the grass up front, "Then why close down." She looked over at me for a moment, and while she didn't say anything, I could see in her eyes that something was running through her mind. "This is okay right?" I asked, breaking the silence as a sudden worry flooded over me, thinking that maybe this wasn't the best idea.
"It's great," she replied, sounding more than a bit excited. "Do you know what movies are playing?"
My lips tipped upwards. "It's a comedy double feature night, so they're playing Neighbours and Trainwreck."
She quirked an eyebrow. "And we're staying for both?"
Gesturing around us, where other cars were beginning to box us in, I let loose a chuckle. "I don't really think we have a choice."
"Well in that case," she began, "We're gonna need some snacks." She unbuckled her seatbelt, pushing open the car door, but when I went to do the same, she waved me off. "You want anything specific?"
I shook my head, settling back against my seat. "Surprise me."
The concession building was tiny and located back near the entrance and ticket booth, and while there was a crowd of people piling inside, I didn't lose sight of Katie as she made her way across the field to stand in line. Her blonde hair was pulled up in a bun on top of her head, and as she reached the front of the line and ordered, moving over to the side as she waited for the food, my stomach began to grumble quietly in anticipation.
It wasn't long before one of the workers behind the counter stepped up with the food, and when I saw Katie turn, her arms were wide as she struggled with the amount of snacks she was carrying. Guilt creeping over me, I stepped out of the car and limped forward until the two of us were face to face.
"You didn't need to get out of the car," she said, though I could tell she was grateful for the help as I took a soda and a bag of popcorn from her hands, "I had it handled."
I quirked an eyebrow as we returned to the car, though I followed her around the front, gripping the door handle to pull it open. "But how would you have opened the car door?"
Leaning down to drop the snacks onto her seat first, she turned back to me, shaking her head in amusement. "I'm sure I would've managed," she mused, causing a laugh to escape my lips as she got into the car.
When I'd settled back into my seat, I realized how much food Katie had bought. There were two bags of popcorn, both salted and buttered, but it wasn't long before one had a bag of M&M's mixed into it, as Katie claimed it was the only way to truly enjoy both snacks. She'd bought two giant Cokes, which were now in the cupholders, along with two personalized pizzas and a variety of candy and chocolate bars she'd picked out.
By the time the loudspeakers burst to life, announcing that the first movie would be starting momentarily, the field was packed, and there was no escaping without making a multitude of people mad. Pushing our seats backs as far back as they would, settling comfortably in the small amount of space, it wasn't long before the large screen flickered to life.
When the credits rolled for the first movie and the large stadium lights flickered on, we'd made it through a good amount of our food. Wrappers were strewn messily across my dashboard, and since the sun had slipped from the sky, when you looked out the windshield and up over the mass of cars, there was nothing but an expansive sea of darkness.
"Do you believe that wishes made on stars come true?"
We were some of the only people who had stayed in their car, as everyone was looking to refill on snacks or stretch out their legs, but content with where I was, I looked over at Katie to see her eyes on the sky. "Don't you mean shooting stars?"
She shook her head, glancing my way. "Have you never heard twinkle twinkle little star?" she joked, though her voice became quiet as her gaze returned to the darkened sky. "I never understood why people tell their children that they can only wish on the first star they see. It's not as if it simply just appears, and if you're lucky enough to see it, a wish is granted. The stars are always there, immersed in their own gravity, and just because not all of them are bright enough to see, that's no reason why they all shouldn't be wished on."
It was like her mind was up in the stars, everything else fading out of view. Her cheeks were flushed and her irises seemed to be sparkling with wonder, but what I quickly realized, was that she was also shivering.
"Are you cold?"
I hadn't meant to snap her out of her supposed trance, but as she blinked and turned to me, I realized my mistake. Repeating the question slowly, I watched as she crossed her arms, trying to warm herself up. "Uh, a bit, but I'm okay," she stuttered shyly.
Not believing her, I reached into the backseat and pulled a sweater out of my bag. Handing it to her with a pointed look, a sheepish smile pulled at her lips.
"Thanks."
"No problem."
As she pulled it over her head, it took a moment for me to realize that it was the same sweater I'd loaned her months ago. The one she'd returned when I was in the hospital – the day we had kissed. It was clear to see, as she fiddled with the long sleeves nervously, that she had noticed the same thing, and when she sent a smile my way, holding my gaze for a moment before looking back up at the sky, I ignored the chill seeping into my skin as a burst of warmth spread through me.
"Make a wish," I said encouragingly, my voice just above a whisper.
"What?"
"Make a wish," I repeated. We were looking at each other, our faces somehow closer than they'd been before. "You were talking about wishing on the stars, so why don't you?"
I was nervous – a good nervous – as her eyes scanned my face. There was nothing but silence between us as her eyes closed, taking the moment to herself, and when a soft smile emerged on her lips, I knew she'd done it.
"Aren't you going to make one too?" she asked curiously, opening her eyes and tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear.
Taking a chance, I reached across, resting my hand on top of hers. "I don't think I need to."
Because other than being able to play basketball again, the only thing I could think to wish for, was her.
Stunned by my response, her cheeks flushed crimson, but as the large screen in front of us lit up once again for the second movie, nothing else was said. We settled back comfortably, encased by darkness and a charged atmosphere, and I found myself smiling as she turned her palm up, threading her fingers through mine.
a/n: I had a rough time writing the beginning of this chapter, but the second half was my absolute favourite. Hopefully it lived up to your guys' expectations, especially considering I was a bit late with updating. Also, this story is almost at 100k reads, so thank you all for the support! <3
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