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Instead of sleeping, I often found myself laying in my bed, staring at the dark and thinking. My thoughts were often too loud to let me sleep and my room was way too quiet, way too lonely.
In these weeks I spent without Rory I came to realise that hell should be easy after this. I've never imagined a person can be such a wreck over someone. It was worse than when I lost Victoria – way worse. I never believed you can miss and ache for an existing person this much.
Literally every bone in my body hurt. Something was always missing. It wasn't the same without her anymore.
I wanted to wait and let some time pass and see if it'll get better. But every morning I woke up, the first thing I wanted to do was pull Rory in my embrace and kiss her. Only I always awoke alone in a cold, big bed. And it got worse every morning. It got to the point where I didn't even want to fall asleep anymore, because I was sure I couldn't get through another morning, waking up without her being there with me.
Then it finally got to the point I realised that that's it. I have to give in and admit to myself that I simply can not breathe without her anymore. I can't function without her. It didn't make me panic this time, let me tell you. I tasted hell without her.
I realised that how much Victoria hurt me was nothing compared to how much I hurt myself with what I did.
What I did panic about was how I'm going to convince her to let me back in her life now. I know I screwed things up and I'd understand if she didn't want to ever see me again, but I'm determined to make her mine again and show her every day how stupid I was and how sorry I am for what I said and did to both of us.
Who even does that? Who leaves a woman that confesses her love and tells you she's pregnant? Me, apparently. Hello, jerkass.
So the chase began. I'm not prepared to give up and I'm going to do everything that comes into my mind to show her I'm serious about not letting her go this time.
A few hours into Rory's shift, when she's exiting the restroom, I see a chance and I wrap my arm around her from behind, pulling her body into mine. ''Hello, baby.'' I kiss her cheek.
I feel her body relax into mine and that flares a spark of hope. ''Braden, what in the world are you doing?'' she asks. She tries to get away from me, but I don't let her.
I put my head on her shoulder and spread my palm over her stomach in a possessive way, loving the feel of feeling her pressed against me again. ''I'm saying hello to you,'' I say.
''You said it. Now let go,'' she says, her voice breathy and shaky.
I turn my head to her neck, my lips curving into a smile against her skin. Even if she doesn't want to admit it, she's caving in. She's giving in. ''But you didn't,'' I mouth against her neck on purpose.
She leans on my body. ''Hello,'' she says weakly. ''Let me go now,'' she adds quickly.
I release her and she stumbles forward. I'd hold her for a whole day if she'd let me, but I want to see that she misses my touch as much as I miss hers.
She straightens down her uniform. I finally changed those horrific uniforms they had to wear and they're now less revealing than they were before. And less tight. They're black and blue now with a simple blue shirt that has Redster written on it and black pants.
''Did you sleep well?'' I ask casually, stepping beside her. I already know the answer to that. I've seen the dark circles under her eyes, I've seen how pale she is and how thin she's getting, even though she shouldn't, especially when she's carrying a child. I've also noticed how she lost that spark in her eyes and that vicious tone in her voice. Now she sounds just ... tired and fed up most of the time.
''Not really,'' she admits quietly, not looking at me. ''Did you?'' She looks like she can't help but ask.
I don't look anywhere but straight at her. ''Not at all. Not since I've last held you in my arms, no,'' I say, not missing a beat.
She sharply looks at me. ''Don't,'' she warns me.
I stop her from walking by putting my hand on her arm and turning her to me. My eyebrows are wrinkled. ''Don't what, Rory? Admit that I missed you? Because I did. I do. I miss you every breathing second you're not with me. I ache for you every nanosecond that I realise I can't have you. My body and soul scream because you're not mine anymore.''
I see her breath hitch and tears well up in her eyes. ''I miss you, too,'' she admits, so quietly I barely hear her.
But, oh, how I hear her. I inhale suddenly. These are the words that give me the hope. I can still fix this. God, I hope I can fix what I broke. I take a step closer to her and put my hand on her cheek, caressing it softly. It's so familiar to do this to her, my heart clenches painfully. I love touching her. And she leans in even further into my touch as if she's seeking it.
''You don't have to, baby,'' I say gently. ''You can have me again. If you want me.''
She puffs the air out of her mouth, momentarily looking behind me and then back to me. ''But at what cost?'' she asks.
I shake my head. ''There's no cost. You already own my soul and my heart, I'm giving you my body, too. You can have me whole.''
She stares into my eyes for long moments. She steps away from me after moments, putting a distance between us. ''I don't believe you,'' she says.
She says this so coldly and as if she already accepted the fact that I can't be the one to trust. And this is what I feared. I broke this between us. She used to trust me, a lot. And now she doesn't believe when I'm here, almost on the verge of falling down on my knees and beg her to take me back.
Yeah, that's how pathetic I became for a woman.
I rub my temples, the traces of another headache again showing. ''You're not even going to think about it?'' I ask, my voice quiet.
She scrunches her eyebrows. ''What's there to think about, Braden? I offered you my love and you ended things on the spot. How do you expect me to believe anything you have to say now?''
I sigh, tracing my eyebrow in desperation. ''You can't even imagine how sorry I am for the words I said to you. If I could take them back, I would. In a heartbeat. Please, don't doubt that,'' I plead.
She squeezes her lips together.
''You're carrying my child, Rory. Think about him or her, too,'' I add.
That just seems to spark up her anger. ''Don't use my child as an excuse to get back together, Braden, because if that's what you want, I'm telling you right now it's not going to work. I'm more than capable of taking care of a baby. At least he or she has one parent who's going to love them more than their own life, other than two parents who one of them doesn't feel any love. For neither,'' she adds the last part quickly.
My eyes widen and my lips curl down. It's saddening me that she thinks so, but therefore I didn't prove to feel any different. ''Don't say that, Rory. Don't say I don't love my child with every cell that I have in me!'' I demand. ''Because I do and I'm willing to do anything to be a part of their life. And I swear to God, Rory, don't even try to cut me out of their life, because I have a right to be a parent as much as you have,'' I inform her, calm as ever.
''Yes, but you don't love me,'' she says quietly. I open my mouth to reply, but she cuts me off. ''And loving a child you made is not the same as loving me. A child is not a good reason to be with someone. You have every right to be in his or her life, but that doesn't mean you have to be in mine,'' she says.
This is bad. This is so bad. Her words cut like a knife. ''So you're going to end us like that? You're not even going to give me a chance to prove you how wrong you are about me?'' I ask sheepishly.
She shrugs, avoiding my eyes. ''You put an end to us, Braden. To be honest, I don't even think you did, because there wasn't anything there to end in the first place.'' I see tears springing in her eyes, but she blinks them away.
I'm in her personal space in instant, putting my palms on her face, forcing her to look at my eyes. ''Don't ever say something like that, Rory. Ever. There was a lot of things between us and you know it damn well. But you won't give me a chance to explain myself and fix this.''
She narrows her eyes at me. ''Why would I give you a chance when you didn't want to?'' she replies, watching me as I exhale and close my eyes in defeat. She became tough. She put a wall between us that is so high I'll have to try pretty hard to climb it. But I will.
''Touché,'' I whisper. ''But I was an idiot, a stupid, stupid idiot that didn't know what he had until he lost it. I didn't appreciate you nearly enough as you deserved to be appreciated. I should worship you and kiss the floor you walk on.'' I gently brush a lock of her hair back, following my movement with my eyes. ''Don't be an idiot like me,'' I plead quietly, brokenly.
''I ...'' she stumbles on her words. ''I need some time to think this trough, Braden ... I ... I can't ...'' She doesn't finish her sentence. She steps away instead and hugs herself, making me want to do it instead. So effing bad.
I shake my head, determined as ever to break her down. ''I want you to hear me out first and then think things through,'' I say adamantly.
She presses her lips together. ''Fine,'' she says, not arguing further. ''I need to go back to work now,'' she says and looks like she wants to escape as fast as she can. A quiet, painful sigh leaves her lips.
''I'll take you home after work,'' I decide.
''Why?'' she asks me warily, already backing away.
''So we can talk. We can go on a dinner.''
She contemplates my offer. ''Okay,'' she then decides.
And I want to bump my fist in the air, screaming, ''Hell yeah!'' because I feel like a champion.
***
I feel like going on my first date with a girl I've had a crush on for years.
I'm all over the place, as are my nerves. I can't stay put, I have to keep constantly moving and the clock doesn't move anywhere. I'm unfocused and I keep practising what I'm going to say, repeating and changing the words in my head, creating different scenarios in my head as to how it's going to go down.
I feel like a girl, let me tell you. And not in a good way. Because if this over-thinking is what girls do constantly, I'm glad I was born as a man.
I'm outside the bar, waiting on her almost half an hour before her shift ends. My fingers are tapping on the steering wheel in a steady rhythm and my thoughts are a tangled mess in my head.
I warm up the car while waiting because it's cold outside.
And then, a whole eternity later, she exits the bar, her eyes instantly coming to where I'm parked. I instantly go out of the car and go open the door for her. She blushes as I stare at her in pure adoration. Gorgeous. When she wants to enter the car, I grab her elbow and place a quick kiss on her cheek, then turn my head into her hair, inhaling her smell deeply. ''You look exquisite,'' I murmur.
She looks at me with disbelief. ''I look the same as before.''
I lean back, still having her elbow in my grip so she can't go anywhere. Jesus, if she only knew how goddamn beautiful she is ... So effortlessly beautiful without even having to try. The corners of my mouth lift slightly. ''You always look beautiful,'' I correct.
She's fighting not to blush, but red tints her cheek, warming them. I always find her reaction pretty cute when I give her a compliment. I should give it to her more often. ''Thank you,'' she says.
I grin with my teeth and then release her hold on her so she climbs into my Range Rover.
''I warmed up the car while waiting for you,'' I tell her.
Her mouth forms a smile and it warms my insides.
''How was work?'' I politely ask, trying to make a small conversation. I love hearing her talk and I love learning new things about her so it's always a pleasure for me to listen to her talk.
She lifts her shoulder in a shrug. ''It was actually kind of boring,'' she admits.
I glance at her. I think if I should say what I want to her or not, but then I think, to hell with it and say it anyway. ''You know you don't have to work, right?'' I ask gently, carefully. I don't want to piss her off.
Rory laughs humourlessly. ''And what? You'd give me money?'' she asks sarcastically.
My mouth straightens in a straight line and all the laughter dies when she sees I'm serious about it. ''You can't be serious,'' she half whispers in disbelief.
''Well, why wouldn't I be?'' I ask with a slight irritation now. ''You're carrying my child and I have money to last me a lifetime – probably even my kids won't be able to spend it all.'' It's pissing me off how she always refused my money and everything I wanted to give to her. I know she wants to be independent, but she doesn't have to prove it in that way. I want to spoil her – because I can – but she won't let me. And she's honestly the first woman I met who's so stubborn about receiving gifts. If I told any other woman I'd dated before that she doesn't have to do anything because I'll support her, she'd be ecstatic. Not Rory, though. She's a whole different story.
''You want to have children? As in more than one?''
I look at her briefly with my eyebrows drawn. ''Yes?'' I say simply, questioningly. Doesn't she want more children, too?
She shakes her head in admission. ''Oh. Okay,'' she says. ''I'm not going to stay at home and live off your money, Braden,'' she goes back to our previous conversation. ''I'd go out of my mind.''
I sigh in exasperation, somehow expecting her answer, and a small smile plays on my lips. ''You know, most women would kill for a chance to not have to work and be spoiled for the rest of their life.''
She grimaces at just of the thought of it. ''Maybe I'm not like them, then,'' she clarifies.
I smile fully now. ''Oh, baby, you're definitely not like them.'' I send her a flirty wink.
''So, where are we going?'' she asks.
''I told you I'm going to take you out on a dinner.'' I look at her. ''Do you have any prefers as to where to go?'' I ask, giving her a choice. Something I don't do often with anyone else.
She draws her eyebrows together. ''Nothing fancy,'' she says.
I frown. ''Nothing fancy. Huh.'' Honestly, I don't think I even know a place that doesn't count as a 'fancy' in Rory's book. I'm too used to eat in everything that's fancy.
Rory rolls her eyes and I see she's trying not to laugh. ''You can just take me to McDonald's and I'll be a very happy woman,'' she admits to me with a cheesy smile.
A shock must overtake my face because Rory bursts out laughing. My face scrunches up. ''To McDonald's?'' I repeat absently, my voice full of distaste. This wasn't even close to my idea of something 'not fancy'. And Rory wants to go eat that trash food.
She rolls her lips in her mouth. ''Yep,'' she says excitedly. ''It's been a long time since I've last eaten there,'' she tells me. ''We can go to drive thru.''
I glance at her from the side of my eyes. ''You're serious, aren't you?'' I mutter in disbelief.
She smiles chastity and pouts a bit. ''Of course I am. Why wouldn't I be?''
I look fully at her now and literally my whole face lights up at seeing her so happy and giddy about such a small thing. I missed that look of hers so much. It's like a part of me was missing. ''I really missed that sincere smile of yours,'' I admit.
Rory laughs uncomfortably. ''You're full of compliments lately,'' she says, putting a lock of hair behind her ear. Did I make her nervous? I'd like to believe so. The thought is pleasant that I can have that affect on her.
I smile that sad smile, her words hitting the point. ''I realised I never want to miss a chance of telling you how much you mean to me.''
She completely surprises me by asking, ''And how much do I mean to you?''
I look puzzled for a moment while she waits for my answer.
I grab her hand in a lock, bringing our joined hands up to my lips and I kiss the back of her hand. I'm still not completely sure if I can say those three words to her and completely mean them, without fear. Will she expect them to hear them from me before she gives me a chance? I give her something more, which is also all the truth. ''A lot. More than anyone and anything and more than I could explain. Let's leave it at that for now.''
She seems to settle for my answer and I feel how relief surges through me. I didn't even realise how tense I became.
I took her to McDonald's. Because if my woman wants to go there, I'll take her to McDonald's. If she wants to go on the other end of the world, I'll take her there, too. It was all worth it to see her smile like she does now.
I take us to the drive thru and I look at her. ''You're going to have to order for me,'' I state.
Rory's eyebrows lift up. ''Why?''
I purse my lips. ''I don't ...'' I go through my hair with my hand, glancing at the building. ''I don't eat here much.'' Or ever.
She cocks her head to the side, grinning. ''You mean never?'' she asks.
Reading my mind, huh? I stare at her for long moments. ''You're laughing at me,'' I say it as a statement.
She chuckles. ''I'm sorry!'' she says, not sounding sorry at all, and laughs even harder as I mockingly glare at her. ''It's just ... what sane person doesn't eat at McDonald's every once in awhile?''
I shake my head, but don't stop glaring at her. ''I don't. I dislike the food here.'' I grimace. ''I don't even know why I brought us here.'' I briefly glance at her stomach, thinking that she shouldn't eat all that unhealthy food now that she's pregnant. I want our child to grow up healthy.
Our child. God, who could've thought I'd become a dad? Being with Rory has made me wish and hope for a lot of things that I've put somewhere in the dark corner of my mind when Victoria left and never let myself think about them. And it makes me nervous that Rory brought these thoughts out into the light again.
When it's our turn, I let Rory order our food, trusting her with her choice. I'm just patiently sitting with my face probably showing the distaste I feel. What I'm willing to go through for this woman ...
''We can go to my flat and eat there,'' Rory suggests. Her stomach protests and growls in hunger.
I chuckle as I hear it and she flushes.
''It's not a long drive from here, baby,'' I say casually, the term so familiar with her, it rolls off my tongue like the word's been sitting at the tip of it.
I got an idea that Rory likes me calling her by nicknames because she always gets those dreamy, big eyes when I call her anything sweet, even if she maybe doesn't realise it.
Rory suddenly rubs her temples, looking like she's desperate for something.
When I park the car and turn it off, she doesn't even notice it. That's when it starts to worry me. Because, God, I hope she's not getting second thoughts now. When we just sit in silence, I turn to her. ''Are you okay?'' I ask her worriedly.
''Yes. Can we go up now? I'm starving,'' she complains and gets herself out of the car in a rush.
I meet her in the front, frowning and looking at her with disbelief. She instantly gets that I'm silently chastising her for. She makes a big deal of rolling her eyes at me.
''No time for being a gentleman now. You'll get plenty of chances, don't worry,'' she tells me while walking fast in front of me.
I snort with laughter. ''Oh, that gives me plenty ideas, then,'' I say lowly. ''So you're saying you'll keep me around to prove my gentleman ways to you?''
She groans quietly. ''I never said that,'' she mutters.
''You did,'' I press further.
She doesn't say anything back as I put my palm on the low of her back like it belongs there. I hear her sigh, but she does nothing for me to remove my hand. So I keep it there. With a tiny smile on my face.
She opens the front door and leads us in. Brooke peeks her head instantly out of the kitchen. ''Oh, thank God, I've been getting worr— oh. Hey,'' she says, looking confused as she takes me in behind her back.
Rory smiles at her. ''Hey, sorry for not calling. We, uh, stopped at McDonald's,'' she tells her. She flushes for some reason unknown to me.
Brooke gets confused even more, looking at the bags in my hands. ''You stopped at McDonald's?'' she asks, looking at me for answers.
I just shrug and look at Rory, grinning. Ask me what I wouldn't do for her, Brooke, I dare you.
Brooke's face breaks out in a big smile suddenly. ''I just remembered that I have to take something to Aaron that he forgot here.'' She jumps up and literally sprints to the front door, giving Rory a kiss on the cheek as she passes us. ''Have fun!'' she calls out before she's out there, leaving us alone.
Hearing that asshole's name makes me all tense. But it doesn't overrule how grateful I feel that Brooke took the hint that I want to be alone with Rory.
Rory looks at me with raised eyebrows and a pointed look. ''You should know that your sister is a terrible actress,'' she comments, barely stifling a smile.
I grin. ''Yeah, I doubt she'd fool anyone. But she gets points for trying.''
Rory stares at me for long seconds, taking in all my face. I cock my head and my smile slips a bit, my gaze getting smouldering. I can't stay unaffected with her watching me like I put the stars in the sky. ''What are you looking at?'' I murmur.
Rory shakes her head. ''Nothing. I just ...'' She closes her eyes. ''Nothing. Are we going to eat now?''
She doesn't wait for my answer, she just turns around and goes into the kitchen. I want to pressure her into telling me, but I know it wouldn't end up well. So I let it go. This time.
She takes out the plates and I come into the kitchen right after that. I stand directly behind her, putting my hands on her arms. ''Let me,'' I say lowly in her ear. I notice her knees buckle.
I rake my right arm around to take the plates out of her hand and I brush her breast, completely intentional. She freezes up in the spot, but she doesn't do anything, just stands there, still as a statue.
I play it cool, though. Or I try to. I can't lie and say I don't feel anything when we're so close. When I smell her every time I inhale. When I feel her body against mine. I turn around and put the plates on the table and will my mind to clear.
I notice Rory grips the counter and still doesn't turn around. Oh, this is going to be fun if she's reacting this way to a simple touch of mine.
''Sit, Rory. You need to eat,'' I order.
She takes a seat as I hold the chair out for her. I sit down when she's seated and I give her her bag. Her stomach growls loudly. Did she even eat today?
She only looks at me after I've been staring at her with deep concern. ''Rory, are you eating well?''
She looks puzzled for a second there before she clears her throat. ''Uh, yeah?'' it comes out as a confused question.
I sigh. She's lying. ''Have you visited the doctor yet?'' I ask gently.
She lowers her eyes guiltily. ''No, I didn't ... I didn't ...'' She doesn't finish her thought for some reason. It frustrates me that she doesn't finish what she starts to say and she closes off in the middle of the sentence. I want all the honesty from her.
I don't want to start a fight, so I don't press her about it. I nod seriously. ''Do you want me to take you?''
''Uh, why?'' she asks, not hiding the confusion from her voice.
Is she seriously asking me that? My eyebrows draw together. ''Because I want to. Do I need to have a special reason to take my woman on a first check to the doctor about my child?''
That shuts her up. ''Well, no, I, um ...'' she stumbles. ''Who said anything about me being yours?'' she asks then.
Okay, is she for real right now? Not being mine? Oh, baby. I put down the cheeseburger I was previously eating, wipe my mouth with a paper napkin, not taking my eyes off her. She gulps. I lean forward and level her with my stare. ''You were mine from the first time I said hello to you. And you never stopped being mine, ever since. You won't ever stop being mine,'' I correct, telling her that in an even tone, not dropping a beat.
''Oh, really?'' she murmurs.
''Yes, really,'' I say. ''Now stop with this nonsense. I can take you tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. I'm on a business trip in Norway from Thursday to Sunday evening, so these days are out.''
She shakes her head at me. Something crosses her face. Disappointment, perhaps? Or I'm only imagining it?
''You don't have to take me,'' she states, stubborn as ever.
I lazily lift my eyelids, looking at her. ''We won't discuss this any further, baby.''
She doesn't say anything back this time, instead, taking a huge bite of her burger.
I forgive her for that because she needs to eat. She became so thin since I ... since we parted three weeks ago, it has me thinking she was only living from the oxygen. And I'm not letting her do that anymore. ''We'll go tomorrow after you finish your shift,'' I say and my tone is final. I want to be present. I want to see in my own eyes that everything's fine with the baby, that he's healthy and completely okay.
She only nods her head, not fighting with me on it any further.
We eat in silence and when we finish, I lean back in my seat casually. ''Are you ready to have the talk now?''
The talk that we've both been putting off, but it's unavoidable. And I want to have it as soon as possible because I want out of this misery I'm currently living in. And put her out of the same misery, too, because I can see it in her eyes how unhappy she is.
Rory just sighs and gives in. ''Yeah, I guess,'' she murmurs, not convincingly at all.
Here it goes. I say a small prayer in my head.
So, you've wanted to see Braden suffer, here you have a taste of it!
I know some of you wanted a different chapter to be the last one in his POV, but if I granted all your wishes, then I'd have to write every chapter in his POV, which takes a lot of time that I currently don't have. But I hope you like what I've chosen for you. This is definitely one of my favourite chapters.
And with this chapter, this books is completely finished now. Some of you wanted the third book in this series. And, you know what? IT'S COMING. I just don't know when yet, probably when I finish A Taste of Sin.
So, if you want to read the third book, which will be about Brooke and Damien, I suggest you follow me on wattpad and/or twitter (patriciaxbooks) so you'll be the first to hear about it.
Thank you for all your support. I love you all so much. xx
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