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Chapter 51 – Goodbyes
“Do you remember that Valentine’s Day in kindergarten? You know… when I gave you my heart… I mean the valentine heart I made for you?”
I remembered Matt saying that after our double date had been ruined last April. We were sitting in Matt’s car as I tolerantly waited for Leon to be done with beating the crap out of Larkin Frost—the freakishly creepy man with beady eyes who tried to assault me.
It occurred to me that I never really thought about it until now. I stared at the biscuit box for a few seconds, trying to recall everything Matt had said that night.
“No… why?” I said.
“Try to remember…” He encouraged, waiting for an answer that didn’t come. “Let me remind you then, that you dumped me.”
“I did?”
“If you want proof, get a shovel and dig it under the tree in your front yard.”
So that was it. I could only recall hazy memories about that one Valentine’s Day during kindergarten. Matt was my best friend back then. In fact, he was my only friend. I remembered exactly how he looked; a chubby little boy with big honest eyes.
Our classmates used to tease him about it a lot. Lots of times, I remembered throwing the gristly cupcakes Mom used to put in my lunch box at the boys and girls calling him Fat Matt. The cupcakes were as hard as cannon balls and oftentimes, I had to go home carrying a report letter from my preschool teacher about my tendency for violent behavior.
When the bullies leave, Matt would sit on a corner and cry.
“Someday, we’ll show them. You’ll be Macho Matt… or something,” I said patting his dark hair to cheer him up. “I know. Here,” I handed him the Valentine card I made in class. “I made it for my Dad but it’s yours if you want it.”
A small smile painted on his face as Matt wiped the tears on his sleeves. That afternoon, Matt came at our usual playtime, carrying a tin box of animal crackers which we ate under the tree in front of my house.
“Here,” he said smiling as he handed me a handmade heart-shaped card with hearts scribbled in crayon all over it. “Happy Valentines.”
With a smile, I read the letter aloud. “D-dear M. P. Sa-rah,” I started frowning. “What’s M.P.?”
He smiled shyly and answered with a small voice. “My pr-princess Sarah.”
I dropped the shovel I was holding and shook my head, shifting my eyes between Matt and the old biscuit box. Suddenly, I remembered the note he wrote on my face on my last birthday; M.P. Sarah. “Don’t tell me—“
“Yep,” Matt breathed uneasily. “My last resort.” He brushed the dirt off the lid and opened.
The cards were still there. I bit my lip.
“Come on, Matt. We were five back then.” I complained trying to get the cards from him but he shoved my hand before I could touch them. “We didn’t know what we’re doing.”
“I did.”
“Come again?”
“I knew what it meant and I mean it; every word of it,” he said calmly meeting my eyes. “You promised.”
I got on my feet and brushed the dirt off my knees. “That’s not fair, Matt. I was five.”
He stayed seated on the ground and read the card in silence. Then he handed it to me. When I flipped the heart shaped cover, I couldn’t help but feel sorry and touched at the same time.
Dear P.S.
You are the best girl in the world! I promise I’ll marry you when we grow up.
Love,
Matt
I wasn’t even sure what marry meant that time. I honestly thought it was something you get to do at Christmas. So I promised to marry with him. But when I asked Dad about it, he went ballistic and told me to go to Matt and take back my promise. So I did. And after that Matt started to bully me.
“Matt,” I started, unsure of what to say. “It’s really sweet that you didn’t forget about all of these but… but I could only wish I knew what I was doing back then. I didn’t want to make you sad or break your heart, believe me.”
“I’m guessing that’s still a no,” he smirked bitterly and shook his head, his eyes betraying his cool. “I can’t believe I went so low like this. But I’m glad I did. At least I tried until the very end.”
With a concerned smile, I patted his dark hair like how I used to do as a comforting gesture when we were still little. “I missed you Fat Matt,” I said sitting on the grass beside him.
A tense quiet filled a few moments before he looked up at me with a smile that touched his big brown eyes. “Me too, Nerdy.”
I went to my room as I let Becky and Matt talk privately in the living room. Sighing, I pulled a big box from under my bed. Inside it was the stuff Leon gave me—a bulky portable rope-ladder and a couple of unlabelled CDs.
It occurred to me that I still haven’t watched the other CD but it didn’t really matter anymore since I was intending to give them all back to Leon. Leaving no trace of him—that was the plan. It would be as if I never met him at all. He was but a dream; a good one but still a dream.
Probably, it was a very wrong move but I found myself in front of my computer, about to load one of the discs on the player. I shook my head, hesitated for a while and played it anyway. Just one last look.
The video began playing. It was the song Invisible To You. It was obvious that it was Nathan who appeared in the music video but the song was all Leon. I closed my eyes and felt my heart race contentedly at his soft mellifluous voice.
I promised not to play in your cruel games, you know it’s true
That if I could I’d touch your face and feel your breathing
Hold you tight, look into your eyes because I’m dying
Close your eyes, come to me, hold me tight, just for tonight
I can’t stand being here just to be invisible to you
The familiar scenes of the video reminded me of the last few months. I remembered the time when we ignored each other for weeks, pretending that he didn’t exist and perhaps, vice versa. A sinking feeling settled in the pit of my stomach as the song ended.
Mist started to form around my eyes but I swallowed hard and blinked them back as I played the other CD. It was a demo record.
“Okay,” Leon’s voice filled the room and that was when I realized how I missed him. “So this is still a working progress. I’m not yet done with it.”
Another voice answered. “We don’t have that much time Leon. Your album’s due at the end of the month.” It was Gerald’s muffled voice, maybe from outside the recording booth.
“I know, I know. But give it a chance. I swear I’ll finish it in time and it’s going to be awesome,” Leon reassured his manager.
There was a slight static pause and the sound of guitars strings being tweaked then Gerald spoke again from the speaker. “Okay, let’s hear it.”
“Great. The song is called… Sarah,” he said and my heart practically hurtled out of my chest. He counted and a piano introduction followed. It was a slow but lively tune that gave a warm feeling in my chest. The fluttering in my stomach doubled. Closing my eyes, I fumbled on the pause button and stopped myself before my resolve weakens.
I stared at the blank screen for a while, blinking back a tear before I heard soft knocks on my door. I swallowed hard and said, “Come in.”
Becky entered smiling widely with tears in her eyes. Without a word, she sat weakly on the edge of my bed.
“How did it go?” I asked.
Wiping her tears, Becky gave out a weak laugh. “As expected, I am now officially Matt-free. At least we can all be friends now,” she said still smiling. “It’ll take a while but soon, I’m going to be good as new.”
I nodded and stroked her shoulder trying to think of something comforting to say but couldn’t. Becky might seem overly optimistic despite her breakup with Matt but I knew she was just putting up a brave face so I wouldn’t have to worry about her. Knowing Becky, she could still be blaming herself for all that happened.
“You don’t have to join my newly-widowed club, you know,” she lifted her teary eyes at me. “You definitely have to sort things out with Leon.”
“First of all, Matt’s not dead so, technically, you’re not going to be accepted in the newly-widowed club. Secondly, the two of you weren’t even married—“
“I know, I know, Miss Smarty pants,” Becky said giggling as tears continue to spill out from her eyes. I knew how hard it was for her to act cheerfully even if she hurt like hell inside. That was just so Becky. “You should’ve listened to that song.”
Giving out a quiet laugh, I wrapped my hands around her. Song or no song, I knew what I had to do.
Kidnap was pacing back and forth the foot of the stairs. His tail wagged at a hundred miles per hour when I headed down the stairs. When I got to the door, he darted pass me and sprinted excitedly to the front yard, his lopsided tongue dangling up and down as he did.
I knew why the puppy was so antsy to get out. Leaning on the tree in front of Emma’s yard was Leon in his nerdy suit. He appeared startled when Kidnap suddenly jumped onto his lap. Leon’s gaze shifted to the door as he picked up my puppy.
A sad little smile curved the corners of his lips when he saw me standing. Leon looked pale. His vacant cerulean eyes seemed to flicker to life, full of anticipation and relief. It almost made me want to change my mind and turn away just seeing him hopeful because I know I came to crush what little sliver of hope that remained in him.
“Leon,” I started to him clutching a letter in my hands. “We need to talk.”
He nodded and followed me as I led him to the backyard garden. The sweet smell of flowers filled the air as we sat side by side near the cobblestone path lined with lilies and blue hydrangeas. I touched the petals of the bouquets of blue flowers. I couldn’t help but smile.
When autumn comes, all of these flowers will wither and I had no plan of replanting the garden. The less evidence of Leon’s existence in my life, the better.
“I don’t want to break up,” Leon’s voice was firm as he lifted his gaze. A gentle wind swept his dark hair.
“How long do you think ‘til it snows?” I said looking up at the cloudless skies.
For a moment he gazed quizzically at me then answered, “Four, maybe five months. Why?” He seemed distracted.
“Too bad the flowers won’t last very long,” I said tracing each blue petal with my fingers.
“Sarah, what are you trying to say?” He sounded a little uneasy. “I’m not giving up no matter what you say or do and that’s final.”
I gave him a half-hearted smile. “You know why I like hydrangeas better than stargazers now?”
“You’re not making any sense Sarah,” he sighed closing his eyes. “Please, listen to me. I love you. Stop doing this to me. It’s driving me insane. Do you think I’d do this if I wasn’t telling you the truth? At first, I admit that I tried to get close to you to make sure my secret’s safe. But I fell in love with you right at that moment when I first saw you cry—“
Letting out a loud chuckle, I gave him a wry smile, remembering that night Mom invited Leon and Arthur in our house. It was hysterical.
“Who wouldn’t? Honestly, I thought you would actually stuff me and Emma in a duffel bag and dump us at some random river.”
He shook his head, distracted by my attempt to stray off the topic. “The point is I know I’ve done stupid things and I don’t really expect you to forgive me… but I’m hoping—“
Before he could continue rambling and convince me to forget my resolve, I reached out for his hand. It just reminded me how I really missed him.
“They remind me of your eyes,” I mumbled mustering the courage to meet his gaze and smile.
“W-what?” he asked dumbfounded.
“The hydrangeas—they remind me of your eyes. And when I look at them, I keep having this funny feeling in my stomach. It’s weird and wonderful at the same time. But somehow, it scares me that I’m keeping that wonderful thing from the rest of the world.”
Leon’s face dimmed as he closed his eyes and swallowed hard.
“Look at me,” he said cupping my face with his gentle hands. It made me want to break down just seeing the apprehension on his face. “You’re not keeping me from anything. If you can just see how much things changed for me since I found you… For once I feel like I have a purpose. Every single day, all I want is to make you smile and stay beside you for the rest of my life.”
A tear rolled on my cheek but I managed to smile despite the wrenching pain in my chest. “You have to take your life back but you can’t do it with me as a dead weight.”
“No…Sarah, please…” he said feebly, his voice breaking.
Stifling a sob, I gently removed his hands from my cheeks—remembering how they felt for the last time—and placed a light blue envelop on them. He stared at the letter for a while as though the skies just fell on him. I tweaked the dark hair that covered his eyes and leaned over to his shoulders.
For a brief moment, I folded my arms around him, feeling the tears streaming down my face. I kissed him on the cheek, stood up and walked away before I could change my mind.
Perhaps, someday, we would see each other again. By that time, I hope that we both moved on so we could smile and look each other in the eye without any regret. My knees buckled but I struggled to take one step after the other.
Don’t look back.
Keep walking.
That’s it.
Left. Right. Left. Right.
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---THE END---
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First, I wanted to thank all of you people who showed their support til the last chapter of this story-- this one. Not! Gotcha there! Did you really think I'd let it end this way? So please fan or vote or comment or do cartwheels if you like this chapter. But wait! There's more! :) so don't go away XD
I love you all,
~shim (swimming in a cookie pool)