You may never know this. You may never see me again. You may never have me by your side anymore. But remember. I'll always be there. In your memories. In your thoughts, In your heart. Soon, after all this is over, you may forget me. But I don't mind.
I don't mind.
..............................
Dear Jonny,
First of all I wanna apologise. I wanna apologise for everything I ever put you through. Every wrong thing I ever did. I wanna apologise for hurting you. I am sorry. I didn't mean to. I don't expect you to forgive me, but you should know that I had no control over it. If I could have been able to lock all my feelings in a box and throw it out in the sea, believe me, I would have. If I could have been able to erase this part of me, just forget it all, I would have. But I couldn't Jonny. I couldn't. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you. It breaks my heart to think that I lost you Jon. I am sorry. I hope that you will understand.
I don't know just how to thank you for everything, you've ever done for me. For all these years you've been by my side, no matter what I did. Whenever I'd stumble and fall, you'd lift me up. Whenever the weight of the world threatened to crush me, you'd be there to hold me and guide the way. You'd always be there for me, when no one else would. You'd be my rock. You still are my rock, Jon. You are the reason, my heart is still beating. You always held a special place in my heart.
Till you took over all of it.
I sure cannot explain why you never lost hope in me. You never let go of me. You were always with me, by my side, even if the whole world around me was falling apart. You never left me.
You helped me face the world.
Remember that time we first met? It was back in 1996, I think. Guy had passed out and me and Will had to carry him to his dorm room. Soon after that I had got hold of the long curly mop, and I had been running down the corridors. Many of those young blokes from science had joined me, I think and we had been running at top speed, before a certain unassuming green eyed bloke had appeared in the hallway, holding a guitar, and we had to brake so hard that I ended up breaking the mop into two. And there you were there, absolutely aghast, surprised, and scared at the same time. In a moment we sped past you, and you were left staring at us with a very puzzled expression. You must have thought that I was some wacko, who had escaped from Dartmoor, or a mental hospital or something. After my performance with the mop, I had decided to go find you and introduce myself, but you had disappeared. It was only when I went to the large hall to get my guitar, I had found you. You were standing there, in all your glory, staring at my guitar. And that's how we met. I am not sure whether you remember or not, but you had said that my performance with the mop was great. And I, being the stubborn twat I am, had practically forced you to jam with me, Will and Guy. So much so that you had no other option than to agree. I must say that I don't regret pushing you, not in the least, because you had turned out to be the best player. Had I not forced you that day, I don't think that we wouldn't ever be able to become what we are now. Without you Coldplay wouldn't have been Coldplay.
From the very start I had felt that we had a connection. Something that I didn't have with the other guys. Or with many of my siblings for that matter. I don't think I can say the same for you, but, I always had that feeling that I could communicate with you on some level that no one could perceive. Except for us. We understood each other so well. We used to finish each other's sentences, half the time. Within a few years I started admiring you so much, Jay that I looked up to you for any decision I ever made. You should know that cause I used to nag the hell out of you with hundreds of nonsensical questions. You used to answer everything with real patience though. You never got angry. I am serious. Eighteen years of my life, I have known you and I saw you getting angry and losing control only thrice. And I was the reason behind only one of them. You sure do know how to keep your cool. I don't know how you do that, Jon, but you manage to pull it off so convincingly that your whole world might be falling apart, and no one would know. You have no idea, the amount of time it took me to understand you. To pick up the signs that you might be breaking inside. And still you manage to fool me. Everyday, every hour, every second. You are quite the actor, Jon.
You have no idea how much work it took me to push you out of that little cocoon you lived in. I must admit I never really got the reason why you, an amazing, talented wise man, needed to hide from everyone. At first it was frustrating. It felt like I was the only one working to strengthen our friendship. But soon, and by soon I mean two and a half years, you started to open up, albeit rather slightly. It was in 1998 I guess. I had been trying find myself a place to live, cause that dorm was becoming just too unbearable for me, and you, the shy and reserved Jonathan Mark Buckland, had offered me a place to live. I couldn't believe my ears when you had asked me to move in with you. It felt so amazing to know that you... YOU... Trusted me so much. I know how hard it was for you, to actually open up to me. And that's why I felt so grateful and honoured. That was the first time I had butterflies in my stomach, the reason being you. I admit, I hadn't given it much thought at that time, but little did I know what the future held for me... for us.
1999 was a very eventful year for us. We had become a full fledged band, though unpopular, and we had released our second EP. The Blue Room was quite a hit. People had started recognising us on the streets, in pubs, wherever. But barring all that, it had been an eventful year for us, Jon. Just for me and you. It was our first year of living together. And boy did I learn a lot about you. I learnt that you absolutely loved cake. You were so angry that time I had eaten half of that chocolate cake your mum sent you. In my defence, I did not know that it was exclusively yours and not for anyone else's. And you do know how much I love chocolate. But you didn't hear any of it. You just went to your room, shut the door and did not come out for the rest of the day. I felt hurt, but I decided to buy you a cake anyways. The next day when you came out of your room and saw that cake on the table... Well let me just say that I had never seen anyone this enthusiastic other than a five year old kid who's mum gave him a new toy, or drunk Guy. I still remember that expression on your face. Pure joy, and ecstasy then gratefulness. You had practically jumped on top of me to hug me. And that was our first full fledged hug. I enjoyed every moment of it Jonny boy. I didn't wanna let you go. And then later in the same year, you had gone out with that hot girl from science, I forget her name. It was New Year's Eve. And as usual, I was left alone in the flat playing some weird stuff I had written. You, of course, had plans. That was the first time, I felt something for you. Something that made me wanna kill that science girl. And at the same time it made me wanna kill myself for feeling that way. I decided to ignore it. Because that's the best I could have done. I even sought help from a priest, and a psychiatrist. I just couldn't accept that I was falling for you, Jon. So I buried it all deep inside and hoped that it would never come up again.
But it did.
And not just once, those feelings came up millions of times afterwards. And it broke me inside. Don't get me wrong, Jon, I loved being with you. I loved to see you smile. But it broke me inside that I was never gonna be able to with you the way I wanted to. That I would never get to hold you the way I wanted to. I would never get to touch you the way I wanted to. Slowly I started to accept the fact that I was head over heels in love with you. There was no way around it. But it was so hard, Jay. It was way too hard seeing you with someone else. So I did all I could to rub all that shit off. I started going out with women. Women, I could never think of being with. It was all shallow, Jon. It was all just sex. No connecting... Nothing. I regret that part of my life. But what could I do? You were there all happy with your new girlfriend. I couldn't bear to ruin that for you, could I? So I did the next best thing. Had a lot of shallow relationships with hundreds to women to avoid the deep feelings that I had for you. Soon they got suppressed. And I realised the mistakes I made. Thus to make amends I started looking to settle down, just about that time I met Gwyneth. The feelings were still there, Jon. But I had managed to bury it down deep inside. So for about a few years, I felt happy. I felt that things were going well.
But as usual I screwed up.
It was in 2005, I guess. You had just met your future wife. I thought it was just another two month relationship, like all the previous others but, one fine day you came up to me and said that she could be the one. That you were looking to settle down and stuff. And my whole world just fell apart. I mean I knew that I couldn't have even dreamed of being with you, that you were eventually gonna settle down. But... But it hurt. I knew it wasn't gonna be easy loving you. But I had no idea it was gonna be so fucking hard. I wanted to go back to the start, to avoid all of this. To avoid meeting you so that all this wouldn't have happened. But then... I can't imagine my life without you. You mean so much to me. So I started curling up into a ball, hiding all my emotions, till I became depressed, and had to start taking meds. My psychotherapist literally asked me to take a break from it all, and go somewhere where no one would find me. But I couldn't. We were a band. I couldn't have just disappeared for no specific reason. And I couldn't have told you. You had a life. You had a kid. So I did the next best thing. I talked to Will. He is the only one who knew about me and my feelings. As usual he asked me to reach out to you, to talk to you, but I couldn't risk it. What if you would hate me? What if you wouldn't want anything to do with me anymore? What if you would leave me and the band? I didn't think that I would be able to face that kind of rejection. And to top all that off, my relationship with the mum of my kids was declining. We didn't talk much, we didn't spend time together. All of this started taking a major toll on me.
I handled it for nine years, nine long years. Till I couldn't keep it in anymore. So we broke up, and I was left shattered, again. Twelve years of hard work and it all ended like it meant nothing. And this time it wasn't just us, we also had to take care of our kids. It broke my heart to see them so confused. And then I had to move to LA, leaving you all behind. I just felt like a ticking time bomb about to explode. But I knew I had to be strong, for me, for my kids, for the band. And you helped me. You were there to help me sort out my mess. You were there to hold me in your arms when I fell apart. All of these lightened a previous spark in my heart, and my feelings for you started resurfacing again. But this time it was different. Sure it pained me to leave you back in London, sure it pained me to see you with someone else but, it wasn't as hard as it was before. It actually felt good to be in love with someone as amazing as you. I started focusing on the good things and ignoring the bad ones. And I started doing good again Jay. I had you by my side and I intended to make the most of it.
But good things don't last do they?
Soon you got divorced from your wife and it broke you inside. Even though you never showed it, Jon, I could feel it. I could see the hurt and the pain in those beautiful green eyes. And it pained me. Soon you started shutting everyone out. I couldn't blame you though. I just prayed that you would be alright. I did everything I could in my power to make you happy. I stayed longer in London during our sessions. I talked to you as much as I could. And you had started improving. You would open up. You would talk. Not much, but you made the effort. And just when I thought that things were gonna take a turn for the better, Christmas Eve happened.
I couldn't bear the fact that you would hit me, Jon. Was falling in love with you so wrong? Was longing for you all day and night so wrong? Was spending countless sleepless nights thinking of you, so wrong? To you it was. And so you left me. At long last, after eighteen years, you left me like it didn't matter. Like our friendship didn't matter. It devastated me. I didn't feel like living anymore Jon. Without you in my life, it didn't matter, I didn't matter.
I'm sorry, Jon. I'm sorry I ever did this. I'm sorry I ever fell in love with you. I'm sorry my heart burst with love whenever I saw you smile, I'm sorry my insides turned to ash whenever I saw you cry. I'm sorry I ruined your life. I'm sorry I ever met you. I shouldn't have. Little did I know that it would tear both our lives apart. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
And here I am, clinging on to my last breath, hoping that you would be okay, hoping that you would live a better life, with me gone. Hoping that you are happy. But I can't stop loving you Jon. I just can't. Gosh you are so perfect, so beautiful, so talented, so wise. How can I ever not love you? You are my gorgeous Jonny boy, my sweet Jay, my talented Jon, my love. I don't think that I could ever love someone so much Jon. Those beautiful lips I wanna kiss, those beautiful hands I wanna hold, those beautiful eyes I lose myself inside. But that would never happen would it? I don't mind. I don't deserve you Jon. I don't deserve you. Maybe that's why I am dying now. Maybe that's why I had to go through this.
In every melody I ever played, in every lyric I ever wrote, you were there. You were the reason behind my everything Jon. You were my muse. Just one look at your stunning face, and my heart skipped three beats altogether. Just one smile from you was inspiring enough for thousands of songs. You were the better half of me Jay. With you near me I felt like I could conquer the whole universe.
I don't know what to say anymore. Soon I would be gone, Jay. Promise me you will be happy. Promise me that you won't hurt anybody else like you hurt me. Promise me that you will find love. I can never stay angry on you Jon. You know that.
It's almost the end Jon. I just want you to know that I loved from the very start. I am sorry if that hurt you, but as I told you I had no control over it. If I did, I would have surely thrown it all away. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. I don't regret falling in love with you Jon. If I had to go through all of it again, I would have. My only regret is that I hurt you. It kills me to know that I ruined your life.
So I am leaving you. Not just you, I am leaving the whole world. You know why, Jon? It's cause you ARE my whole world. Without you it just means nothing. Without you everything is a waste of time. I will keep on loving you, Jay. I like to believe that afterlife exists. And if it does, I will keep a watch over you, from there. Always. So be a good boy, Jon. Be good to yourself. I love you.
Goodbye, love.
Yours lovingly,
Chris
P.S. - You do look good without that pesky hat.
P.P.S. - I still love you.