Three months ago
Camila's PoV
Not even a year into our relationship, and we have come to this point were we fight about the most inane reasons, ignore each other for days, and purposely make each other jealous out of spite. And when we fight, it always feel like it's the end of the world, like we're gonna break up, or I don't know, die, maybe? But then we make up, and everything's swept under the rug, forgotten or, rather, avoided until the next trigger that'll initiate another fight.
Melodramatic, I know. Oh, young love.
Mostly we just argue about our public behavior. Or rather, my behavior. Because sometimes I couldn't help myself – I just feel the need to touch her or stare at her during interviews, or any other events, for that matter. I seriously can't help it. Like a moth to the flame, I'm physically incapable of staying away from her. But could you really blame me if I forget my boundaries? Because when I stare at those beautiful green eyes, I lose my mind.
I do shit like answer 'Mine's Lauren' with lovey dovey eyes when asked who my celebrity crush is. Or that cringe-worthy slip-up I did when the interviewer asked Lauren who she was gonna kiss under the mistletoe, and I squealed 'MEEEEE!' like a damn fucknut, and even if I tried to take it back, the damage has been done. I could just feel the other girls stare at me like I suddenly grew hairy balls on my face. Lauren played it cool at that moment but I knew her too well, and, sure enough, once we were alone, another argument blew up - as expected, and bigger than our usual ones.
To be honest, while I get where Lauren is coming from, sometimes it just feels that what we have isn't real. There are days where I question everything, wondering how someone who claims to love me is also capable of denying us as if the idea of it is something ridiculous. Seriously, I might as well change Lauren's name to Peter, because every time I hear her deny Camren I swear I could hear a rooster crow three times. Jesus doesn't like liars, Lauren!
How could something be real when I can't even tell people about it, when I'm not even allowed to be open and proud of my relationship, when I have to pretend that I'm in love with Austin? How could it feel real when all we do is fake it? It's like I'm her dirty little secret; Lauren caring too much about everybody's opinions, and I don't know how much I could take anymore.
But what can I do, right?
We have obligations. People around us expect us to act a certain way. What can we do? We're prisoners in our own little crazy world.
So, I lash out. Call me petty, whatever, I lash out to get a rise out of her. She pushed me to fake-date Austin, and yet she gets mad whenever she sees us together, so what, she thinks my world revolves around her? Well, yeah, it kinda does, but whatever. I'm gonna show her that I'm not some pathetic little lovesick puppy that she could play with whenever she wants, then leave alone to chase my own tail whenever she decides it's not appropriate to be seen together.
Austin and I started hanging out more frequently than necessary. He's actually a nice guy and I could tell that he genuinely likes me, that's why I feel bad leading him on, making him believe that there could be a chance between the two of us. In a parallel universe where Lauren doesn't exist, maybe I could like him romantically. Not in this lifetime, though. But yeah, we've gotten a bit close. We've gone to a couple of dates - for PR purposes of course - and he has been a good distraction for my heartaches. Sometimes, when I'm with him in a restaurant, or even just walking around in a crowded place, I imagine that it was Lauren that I was with, and god does it feel nice. It makes me sad to know that I could never do that with the person I truly love. It's pathetic, I know. I'm deluding myself with my desire to parade Lauren around, and I know I'm being selfish for using Austin like that, but I'm only human. I feel so weak and needy and angry and frustrated and confused, and I latch on to the first person who's willing to give me the kind of attention I craved for.
I feel like a mistress trying to be content with whatever scraps my lover throws at me, pretending I'm happy because she says she loves me and that's all that matters, and blindly hoping that, in the future, she will give me the only thing that I needed from her - the right to be able to call her mine in front of the whole world.
Is that too much to ask?
The final straw happened when a bunch of us had dinner at Katsuya, and we all went there separately: me, with my manager Roger, and Lauren with her "just friend" (which is just another PR term for "low-key dating") Noah Benardfart or whatever the schmuck's name is. Paparazzis were swarming the restaurant's facade, taking all the pictures they could get through the glass windows where our table was, so Lauren sat beside her beard while I was told to sit across the table, light years away from them.
I was fuming. Every laughter, every coy smiles, every flirty touches Lauren gave him was like a slap to my face. Not only do I have to pretend I liked the food that was served (sushi and salmon which is yuck), I also have to watch them act all coupley and lovey dovey? Bitch, please. I knew Lauren was doing that on purpose because some pictures of me and Austin hugging, and him kissing me on the cheek, circulated, and even though we both know it was all friendly shit and was meant for PR, Lauren still couldn't let that one slide without one-upping me.
It has all become petty and spiteful between us.
But I kept my mouth shut. What I did was drink my sorrows away. I played a game with myself where I took a shot whenever she flirted with Noahumbug Pussyface: one shot of sake whenever she laughed at his stupid jokes (I mean, obvious much, Lauren? Laughing at his lame jokes that nobody else found funny. Not funny at all. Stupid corny ass bitch), two shots whenever she touched his biceps and complimented his hair. And a bonus shot every time she leaned in to whisper something and touched his thigh.
I lost count, and all I know is I was drunk. It's time for me to go, because drunk-Camila is a blabbermouth and I couldn't risk our already rocky relationship if I screw this up. So I got up. It was so sudden that all the liquor in my head went straight down my body making me hold on to the table for support, and everybody glanced at me inquiringly. I refused to look at Dinah, Ally, and Mani because I knew they'd look at me with those sympathetic expressions which I've found more annoying than comforting.
"I-I have to go guys, thank you for a lovely evening. It's been real." I plastered a smile and let Roger hold my hand to assist me. I couldn't keep myself from glancing at Lauren, because I'm simply weak like that when it comes to her, and saw that she was staring at me with concern on her face, her thick eyebrows furrowed with puzzlement, and my heart melted because all I wanted to do was sit beside her and celebrate whatever we are celebrating tonight... with her. I quickly looked away because my emotions were all over the place and my state of mind isn't very stable right now.
So I left. I saw Lauren trying to stand up to follow me but I shot her a warning look which immediately prompted her to sit back down.
When I got out, paps were snapping pictures of me, blinding me with the continuous and rapid blinking of their camera flashes, throwing questions at me, and my brain, already muddled with alcohol, could barely formulate a coherent sentence that's longer than "It was good" when asked how dinner was. After that, I kept my mouth shut despite their follow-up questions, because the thought of leaving Lauren with Noah-Balls gave me shooting pains straight to the heart, and I was afraid that I might start crying or blabber nonsense once I opened my mouth. I kept my eyes trained on the ground, ignoring the paps and their cameras, as I continued walking towards the car, concentrating on each step, hoping to god I wouldn't stumble or fall on my ass.
When I got inside the car, a surge of emotions threatened to break away, and I knew I couldn't go back to our L.A. quarters yet. I couldn't be there when Lauren gets back, because I wanted to save whatever little pride I still have, and I didn't wanna let her see me break down in front of her, beg her yet again to spare me a small bit of dignity and consider my feelings. I couldn't go back in there yet because I know when she gets back, I'll forgive her. It always has been the pattern. In public, we pretend to ignore each other and be happy in someone else's arms, but when it was just us, or with our trusted friends or family, Lauren is the perfect girlfriend. To be fair to her, I knew she didn't want all of this. She just thought it will be better if we followed management's decisions, to keep us away from the public's judgmental eyes.
She makes it up to me each time, that is, if we weren't busy fighting because of our jealousy and possessiveness. I know Lauren is hurting just as I was. But sometimes, I don't feel it. She's too convincingly chill all about it that I feel like I was the only one not liking the situation we were forced into.
Tonight, it was too much for me. Seeing her act all happy and lovesick with Noah-Fence-But-You-Look-Like-A-Hairy-Dick-Bernardsprout was the last straw. I needed space. I needed someone who would listen to me who I know wouldn't take Lauren's side or even consider it (as what the other girls do) because he's not friends with her.
So I called the first name that came to my mind.
When I unlocked my phone, I saw a couple of texts from Lauren but I ignored them. Going through my contacts, I found the name I was looking for and dialed the number.
"Hey, Austin. You busy?"
We agreed to meet in a high-end club, and while I usually don't like partying and such, I figured we will be less noticed in a club than a restaurant. And since we were both celebrities, and Austin knew the owner of the club, we easily got in and went straight upstairs were it was more secluded.
I just wanted to unwind. And Austin has been a good listener so far. We drank some more, as I unloaded my thoughts to him without mentioning Lauren or specifically saying I had relationship problems, just general stuff about feeling small, suffocated, and manipulated by this industry.
I was so drunk that I could barely pay attention to my surroundings, but despite my intoxication, the image of Lauren's face has never left my mind. My heart hurts seeing her constantly in my mind, whether I close my eyes or open them. Sometimes I even mistake people as her and then find myself running after strangers before realizing it's not even Lauren.
I'm pathetic, yeah, tell me something I don't know.
How long we've been there talking, I'm not even sure anymore, but I felt infinitely lighter, although if it was because of the alcohol or because I have unloaded my stress to Austin, I don't know.
There are other people around us, dancing or getting drunk, but I didn't pay attention to them. All I wanted was to forget.
At some point I snapped my head so fast because I thought I saw Lauren, but then realized it was just some girl with dark hair and pale skin, and my sudden movement made me sway and almost fall over the couch. Next thing I know, Austin's arms were around my waist, keeping me upright, and when I turned, I found his Dorito-shaped face basically inches away from mine, and I gulped when I saw his eyes looking at me kinda weirdly.
Since I was plastered as fuck, my reflexes, which weren't even that sharp at my most sober state, were basically kaput. I saw him leaning in and before I realized what he wanted to do, I felt wet lips on mine. I closed my eyes, not because I was consenting to the kiss, but mainly because I felt nauseous, but he started softly moving his lips despite me ineffectively pushing him away with my limp arms.
But something happened. When I closed my eyes, the face of Lauren permeated my thoughts, and all the longing and pain and frustrations I have endured these past months overwhelmed me. How nice it would feel if I could kiss her anytime I wanted, or anywhere without considering what people would think? Why is it that Austin could kiss me so freely, while the only person I wanted on my lips could deny me faster than Trump denying he's a racist?
Drowning in my own thoughts, I didn't even realize that Austin was still kissing me, and what's worse, was I apparently have kissed him back, and now, his tongue was inside my mouth, exploring it like a damn dog looking for his bone. Sloppy and rough.
Waking back from my Lauren-filled daydream, I pushed him away with every ounce of strength I could muster and that seemed to have snapped him out of his delusions.
"Austin, what the hell!?" I felt betrayed. I trusted him as a friend and he took advantage of me when I was at my weakest.
At least he looked embarrassed by his actions.
I looked around me to check if someone has seen us, but aside from a couple of people with their phones in their hands, nobody seemed like they noticed us.
I breathed a sigh of relief, because Lauren could never know about this. Even if I didn't initiate anything, a kiss still happened, and Lauren, with all her pride and righteous indignation, would never be able to forgive me.
If there's one thing that I've realized tonight, though, it was that I really don't like kissing boys.
***
When I got back to the house where the group is staying, I went straight to my designated room, which was unusual for me to do, because every time we stayed here I always slept in Lauren's room. After what just happened with Austin, I don't think I have the courage to face her yet. So imagine my surprise when I found her lying down in my own bed, reading a book, with sleepy eyes that I always found adorable.
Upon hearing the door open and seeing me come in, her face lit up as if she was a kid who saw Santa Claus.
"Hey Camz, where were you? I missed you." She said in a small voice that I knew was a mix of worry and guilt because she probably thought I was mad at her for the Noah thing.
Guilt gnawed at my insides, and I could barely keep the tears from spilling. Instead of acknowledging her, I went straight to the bathroom so I could compose myself.
Could I do this? Could I lie to her face and pretend that nothing happened? Should I just tell her?
No. I couldn't tell her. She'll overreact for sure, and considering our already rocky status, this might just be the end of us, and I wouldn't be able to handle it if Lauren leaves me. And I'm sure she will. She may be soft-hearted and the kind of person who loves hard, but she also values loyalty, and she is the type of person who takes everything deeply. She'll be terribly hurt by this and she won't care whatever justifications I tell her. In her eyes, I kissed Austin and that's that. She'll leave me and never look back and I'd rather die than live a life without Lauren.
I know that keeping this from her is a terribly stupid idea, but in this situation, I'm a coward. I'm not ready to face the consequences of a stupid mistake that wasn't even my fault.
"Camz? Are you okay?" Lauren softly knocked on the bathroom door.
It would have been better if she banged on it.
It would have been better if she snapped at me when I got home at two in the morning, drunk as fuck, without even bothering to reply to her messages.
It would have been better if we just fought, like what we have been doing for a good while now every time either of us had to do PR shit.
Because then it would be easier for me to stomach lying to her.
Instead, when I opened the door, all I saw in her face was concern, and I wanted to die.
Her hand reached out and caressed my face, her fingers gently tracing my wet cheeks - I washed my face in an attempt to keep the tears from falling. "What's wrong, baby?" She asked me.
Instead of speaking, I simply hugged her tightly, and for a long time we stood there, me hugging her, and she, gently rubbing my back. No words were spoken, but a whole lot was conveyed through the silence. That we were slowly breaking apart... that neither of us wanted to let go... that something's wrong, but both of us refused to acknowledge it.
When we got to my bed, me, almost in a fetal position, and her, hugging me from behind, I swallowed back the sobs that were almost choking me as they threatened to escape my throat. Because as I feel Lauren's soft, calming breaths on my nape, her arms protectively wrapped around my waist, I knew that both of us were aware of everything that's wrong between us, but both of us were willing to turn a blind eye, because we have become dependent on each other. We have become each other's drug and we refuse to let go, because no matter how toxic our relationship has become, little moments of peace like this one we're having right now makes it all worth it.
Eventually, her breaths have slowed down signaling that she has fallen asleep, and as I felt her steady heartbeat on my back, her gentle hum on each exhalation of her warm breaths, I closed my eyes, tears streamed down my face as I finally let go of my pent-up emotions, roughly biting my tongue to keep any sounds from spilling out of my mouth.
All I wanted was to be with Lauren. I knew deep in my heart that what we have is real. But, at the same time, how can it feel so unreal? What the fuck is happening to us?
***
A/N: what do you think of this chapter? What do you wanna see in the next chapters? More fluff? More angst? Tell me what works for you, I might be able to insert bits of what you guys want.
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The video above was my inspiration for the Katsuya scene, but in my story, it's not Lauren's birthday party. They just went to dinner to celebrate something that was unclear, and since Camila (who's our narrator) was distracted by Lauren & Noah, she really didn't care what the dinner was for.
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