It was winter and I had been looking for someone to pay the bills with me. I didn't really care who it was. Just as long as they aren't a murderer or someone who went to the underground doing God-knows-what.
Luckily I've meet someone who seemed pretty harmless. Although at first, I thought it would be difficult, but it doesn't mean it was impossible. What I meant was, was that I thought we had our differences. After all, she did seem like the blunt type of girl.
"Hi, I'm Kim Seokjin, but you can call me Jin," I said, holding out my hand so she can shake it.
We've already know what we both looked liked, as we planned to meet at the café nearby my apartment. When I saw here, she had her small luggage with her and a backpack (but it looks more like a small rug sack).
She had long pure, black hair and had semi-round glasses that fit her. She also had a long scarf around her neck and a knitted beanie hat.
She seemed to hesitate a little as she shook my hand with hers before quickly gripping onto the straps of her moderned rag sack.
"Moreau Roux," she said, letting her lips make a thin line before continuing to speak in a mumble. "I don't have a nickname like you do." I smiled softly and felt it disappear, looking at her questionably.
"May I ask where you're from?" I asked.
Her name was far more Europeanised then Korean, but her features shows that she from here. And it's not just that, it was the way how she spoke too; her slight accent that seemed all too familiar to me.
"O-oh, France. My mom is from Korea while my dad is from the countryside of France," she talked very quickly which made me want to chuckle, but I held it in, I didn't want to embarrass her.
"Well, let's hurry and unpack your stuff then. School is about to start again and I want to show you around the campus later," I said.
She nodded and began to follow me to my car that was parked just outside. I opened the trunk and helped her put her luggage in. Thanking me, we both entered the car; me being in the driver seat and her being next to me.
As I drove around the city to the apartment complex, I noticed how she looked out the window in awe. I wasn't sure if she had seen a Seoul yet, I mean, her mom was Korean right? Her mom could have taken her to Korea at least once? Or maybe they could only afford for her to go alone at this time? I shook me head; no—I shouldn't judge her right now, it's none of my business.
"It's very pretty here."
24 NOVEMBER 2015
I'm on my own now. I wish dad would come with me, but he needs stay at home and go to work. I miss him so much. All I have to do is finish school and find mom, maybe then I can finally feel free. Free from this anonymous feeling.
Why am I writing this diary? Well, this is my first time travelling out of the country that I have lived in since my birth (not even Belgium, and we live so close to them!), but there's this uncertain feeling hidden inside me that I just can't describe. I wish to get rid of it immediately, but how?
What ever it is, I know it will go away soon. Maybe just an anxious feeling about living with someone I don't know. I don't know this stranger well enough. When he showed me around his apartment, I could barely understand what's he even saying. Because my mom had left, I barely learned Korean! Maybe I should ask Jin where the library is, I have some French based books and maybe they have translated it to Korean here. Hopefully.
The apartment wasn't too bad, it was very comforting. My room was just across from his as there was a long hallway that lead to the living room. I must say that he cleaned up very nicely.
END
"You've brought so many books with you," I said to her as I entered her room, looking at the bookshelf that was already filled with (at least twenty) books. Looking through them, I noticed how there are the same pair of books just in different languages: in French and Korean.
"I'm trying to be more fluent," she said, evidently struggling with the language.
I smiled at her and said, "Maybe I can help? We can read together if you want. I'll explain to you a few things"
For the first time, I saw her smile. It fit her perfectly well. It was a childish smile, but at the same time brittle. It was something new to stare at, but nevertheless it still looked good on her.
"I don't want to waste your time," she said, looking back at the books that sat on her desk.
"It's okay, I need something to do anyways," I said, before pushing my desk chair that was in my room to hers.
As we started, I felt that something was bothering her. The way how she would look at me from time to time, and the way how she would sometimes get distracted by something. Whatever it is, it can't be that bad right?
Anyways, it wasn't too hard to tutor her. She knew the basic, the only problem was her vocabulary. Overall, she did very well.
30 NOVEMBER 2015
Jin has told me that he was interested in art, hence all the art supplies he had in his room. I must admit, it made his room messy, but in a good way. Why a good way? Well to me, it gives him a sense of value; making him feel needed.
All I do is read and write. Nothing too special I guess. Sometimes I get frustrated and just stop altogether. I rewrite and rewrite but I would always be describing something in a exaggerated way. When I look at the words I wrote, I will also avert my eyes to my pen. There's just something off about it; it gives off this sickening feeling.
Nonetheless, I haven't made any friends yet in school; I was always sort of a loner. All I have was Jin, but sometimes he's too busy to talk to me. Even though it seems like he's just like me: alone all the time.
END
She had started writing a little book in Korean and needed my help to correct some of the grammar, which I am happy about. That means I will be able to read her work. The only probably was, was that it held a strong sense of reality.
"Every object that we see, is just another way of us justifying our own existence."
Roux is a admirable girl, she studies hard, is polite to others and has a nice (but mysterious) aura. But the words that she has put into this short story is way different then I had imagine. But this quote will forever haunt me, as I never concentrated on those sorta thoughts.
I thought people who would think of these type of things went through a harsh life. But she seems too perfect, maybe she's very good at hiding her past?
Tonight, I had her a question on what she had meant. "You know the books that I read and the music that I listen too?" She asked me.
I nodded at her as we ate dinner together. I tried to make something that we can both enjoy together; I didn't want to be selfish.
"It's just a distraction. We don't want to face reality and accept that the world is boring, but yet terrifying. Everything that we use and see is just another way for us to have a purpose. Whether it would be a spoon or a pen, we try to make it our purpose."
It was hurting my brain as I sat there in shock. I wasn't even touching my food anymore, as I was too deep into our conversation or should I say, her philosophical speech.
"We eat, we sleep, we work; we go through this endless cycle of us trying to do things that we think we are destined to do. But really, we only do these things because of o-our—" she paused for a moment to find the right words.
"Ancestry?" I questioned.
She nodded happily, "Yes, our ancestry's teachings! They have taught us what is a good thing to do or a bad thing to do because they think our lives to be ruined if we don't follow their rule. Their rule of what is good or bad."
I ate little by little as I didn't know what to say. I was confused, but somewhat empathetic towards her words.
I couldn't sleep that night, as all I could do was stare at the ceiling. Stare at the weird markings it had ever since it was built. At some point, I could have swear that I saw a few recognizable figures.
I got up, wanting to get some water before I notice Roux's lights were on. Knocking on her door, I heard her say to come in, in the most softest voice ever.
I peeked my head through the doorway and saw that her lamp was on. A small journal like book was on her desk, as she was sitting on her desk chair looking at me, curious of what I was doing in her bedroom.
The journal caught my eye, as it was written in French. I couldn't understand it, but her handwriting made it really attracting.
"I'm sorry, but I was just wondering what you're doing. It's just very late and I don't want you to stay up all night," I said.
She smiled softly and bit her lip to think, "I was writing something, I'll go to sleep soon." Again, her voice was soft and delicate, if it were to be a physical object, I would be afraid to touch it as it will break any time soon.
"What about you?" She asked me.
I scratched the back of my head, feeling the strands of my hair. "I couldn't sleep, so I got up to get some water," I said, trying to have the same level of voice that she has.
She looked down at her lap, "I guess I kinda scared you at dinner. I'm sorry."
I widened my eyes and walked towards her, lowering myself to her level. "Hey, it's not your fault," I reassured her.
Her lips twitched into a smile for second before letting it go back into a frown. Maybe it's the feeling of pity or maybe I just cared about my roommate's consciousness, but for some reason I had an urge to just hug her and hold her into my arms.
Before I could do anything, I felt her arms wrapped around me and felt the warmth of her breath against the side of my neck. Short little pants dancing around the goosebumps that had began to form on my skin as she spoke in a soft voice.
"Goodnight Jin."
How strange she is; how strange I am, and how strange of these feelings to happen upon us. The tiredness has spread. But at the end, we are the same. We share the same thoughts and feelings.
"Sweet dreams Roux."
1 DECEMBER 2015
It didn't seem like he knows his surroundings very well. His expression that he made at the dinner table gave me the impression that he was not aware of the world. If only he knew.
My studies have been going well, as my professors (who understood French) are impressed by my writing. As for Jin, he has been doing well on his artwork. But I couldn't stare at them for a very long time, or else they will start to look disorienting to me. Not only that, but it also makes my head spin. I don't know why.
I need to sleep now, Jin came into my room to check up on me. I can tell I had ruined his day today. I thought about what happened and wished that I would have kept my mouth shut. But I couldn't help it, these thoughts have been cramped in my head for days.
Anyways, he came in and asked if I was okay. I was fine, but I knew he wasn't. He told me he couldn't sleep, and I felt it was my fault. Guilt has came over me and I… hugged him.
His body was warm and comforting. I had never been this close to someone that had these traits. Not even my own parents.
Strangely, as we stayed like this in silence, I felt my eyes getting very heavy; I can feel my body ready to give out. I had the feeling that Jin felt the same too.
END
"You didn't tell me your birthday was today," Roux said in disappointment as we were sitting on the couch in front of the television.
"Who told you it was birthday?" I asked her, surprised that someone had known about my birthday.
"A guy from your class who also draws. But it seems like he sketches mostly. I forgot his name, sorry. But he had orange hair that made me hungry for oranges," she said, frowning at herself for not remembering.
I chuckled and put my hand on top of her head, feeling the softness of her hair. "It's okay, I think I know who you're talking about," I said. Realising something, I asked her, "What were you doing in the art department?"
She widened her eyes at me before averting them to the flat screen. I can see the flesh of her cheeks getting pink. "I was… looking for you today," she said shyly, reminding me how she acted towards me when we first meet.
"Why is that?" I asked. She bit her lips thinking wether to tell me or not. "I-I was curious and I… just w-wanted to see you, but I couldn't find you," she slowly said like a lost child.
I felt something caught up in my throat as I stared at her in utter care. The curious girl had thought about me, and it's something I should treasure. Her mind seems to be in deep thought all the time, I couldn't help but to feel a little bit special as the thought of me had crept up into her mind.
I told her which classroom I would be in and told her that if she needed anything, she would go to me in a specific time as I will be free during it. She smiled and clapped her hands which surprised me. "I bought a small cake for you after I couldn't find you," she said as she got up to go to the fridge.
Soon there was a small, chocolate cake with four strawberries and a single candle in front of me. "Happy birthday Jin," she sang very softly.
"Thank you Roux," I said before blowing out the single lit candle.
We ate it as we watched TV. Somehow we ended up in a position where we're both laying on the couch next to each other. It was comforting, just like how when I had held her in my arms for the first time.
"You have a innocent heart Jin," she mumbled softly. I couldn't see her as she was pressing her forehead against my chest.
"What do you mean?"
"Have you ever seen the downside of Korea?"
"No… I haven't. Why?"
"You need to see it if you want to continue your life Jin."
"Roux, I don't thi—"
"What I told you at the dinner table had you in shock. That means you're heart is still very innocent. You seem to act as if everything is in the right. But I must tell you, that not everything is what it seems to be."
I frowned a little and rubbed her back as I felt her hands spread against my chest.
"How are you going to understand and live life if you don't see the bad outcomes of it?"
I squeezed her a little; and felt my head getting dizzy and tired. The warmth of her hold is getting my eyes heavy but her words were trying to keep me up. "I… don't know," I whispered.
After a few seconds of silence she finally spoke again. "I forgot…" she began, "I need to ask you what you want for your birthday so I can get it tomorrow."
I smiled softly and closed my eyes, "I want us to stay like this."
4 DECEMBER 2015
I didn't get to write at the 4th so I am going to write what had happened on that day. Then later I will make an entry of what happened today. Certainly, I am writing this in a cafe that was near the apartment building.
Anyways, on with the day.
It was Jin's birthday that day and I got a him a cake. I was glad that he liked the chocolate flavor that came with it, I wasn't too sure what he would like at that time.
I came to the art department to see Jin, but he never told me which classroom he was in. So I was wondering around, in till I meet a boy my age. I asked him if he knew who Jin was and he said yes. Then he told me he even went to class with him and told me which class it was.
He wasn't there, but it's probably because I wondered around for too long to the point it was too late. I was curious and bored; I wanted to see what he does everyday and see if he was okay. When I told Jin why I was looking for him, I couldn't help but to feel embarrassed.
The boy which I have meet back at the campus seems to know Jin well. He even knew his birthday, but I didn't, maybe Jin didn't want me to. The fact that he looked surprised by how I knew showed that he didn't intend for anyone to know.
Anyways, we had slept on the couch together that night. The dream I had that night was relaxing and had eased me when I woke up the next morning. I want to sleep by his side again, but I think he'll refuse that offer. He was probably tired and didn't want to move to his room.
Deep down inside, I hope that wasn't the case. He felt too comfortable and I felt like I was sleeping on a cloud, drifting through the sky. Maybe he had those type of dreams too.
END
"Why did you start painting in the first place?" Roux asked me as she watched my hands closely, concentrating at every move I make.
"It puts me at ease," I said, "Like you said about the things we do and see, this distracts me from the reality we live in."
From the corner of my eye, I can see her blush as she intently watches the paint brush going across the canvas, smoothly spreading the black paint attached to it. "It's very pretty," she murmured.
I smiled and thanked her, as I finished up the last few touches. I took a good look at the finished project and noticed something about it, but I wasn't sure what it was. The girl on the canvas look at the both of us, glaring at us. The more I looked at it, the more it started to remind me of something.
I looked over at Roux who was also staring at the painting, holding an uneasy look. "Are you okay?" I asked her worriedly.
She looked at me with a bitter-like smile. "Yes, I just feel a bit ill, that's all," she said as her voice got softer and quieter over time. I looked at her before averting my eyes back to the girl on the painting.
"I think I'm done for today."
10 DECEMBER 2015
Jin did a great job today; the black paint that was being attack by the vibrant colors was done very nicely. But as I stared at it more, the more it looked like me and the more I felt disgusted. I wanted to look away as I didn't think of myself as attractive person.
He had now placed it in the middle of his room, letting it dry throughout the day. He would leave his door open, so when I got out of my room I would catch a glimpse of her, already staring right back at me. Then, that nauseating feeling reappeared again.
END
~~~
Author's Note:
When BTS hits you hard so you make a mini series about it. Also have anybody seen the new trailer?! I heard that they're concept was about "Seduction" and honestly I died a little inside.