okay let me start off by saying YES its been a while i have so much work to do for class and wanting a 4.0 adds to my stress i just never have the time to update but i'm trying please bear with me.
Alone...
I feel like I'm all alone. My dark friend has also deserted me ashamed at what I've done. I know there are consequences to my actions but I just...
Who the fuck am I kidding?
I deserve this
And more...
I saw the signs and I kept going. I had no concern for the people it would affect. I felt like nothing could touch me and now I've been emotionally beaten with everything good taken from me. Once again my future is dull.
The creaking of my front door and the glimpse of light seeps into the dark prison causes me to groan and turn my head. Voices blend together with no distinction if not from the one I want to hear.
Each click of her heels makes my head beat with fury. I've had this in going headache the day she walked out. I can still remember my straggled cry as the door slammed shut. Everything was dark that day.
Slowly she kneels down to grasp my hand. "Jesus nick, what have you done" pulling my hand away I snort, starring down at the broken pieces of glass.
"What haven't I done?" I stare back up at her. Her brows furrow together and she presses her lips into a firm grim line. Her face reeks empathy but she can't even imagine how I feel. Liquor can only make you so numb. The inside of my house is just as dark as the outside.
Swallowing hard I push myself against the wall. I don't know how long I've been sitting here. Last night is as blurry as the others, but from the broken glass and bleeding hands I can tell I went in another drinking rage. I'm not sure if the alcohol or my depression leaves me to do these tings but I don't plan for them to stop. My antidote rather watch me suffer then cure me, because she's tried for so long to help me and all I did was fail her.
"I understand now" I whisper grazing my frontera across my dry lips.
"Understand?"
"Why you chose to lie about me pushing ally" her eyes widen and I watch as her throat sinks in with disbelief. Me and my mother don't talk and I don't think she planned on having this conversation as mother and son bonding time.
"I—"
"I use to think it was because you were an evil dumb minded bitch" I chuckle not feeling amused in the slightest. "But it's because you didn't want him to leave you" my voice rising to and ah ha moment "I've spent most of my life trying to get away from you but I realize no how alike we are. I did this to myself but yet I want to grieve my lost and blame everyone but me. I want to hold the darkness inside me accountable but he was long gone..."
"Nick you're not like me" she wipes her eyes with the back of her hand.
"I'm worse. There's no forgiving for this. There's no talking it out. She hates me and has every right to" she sinks down next to me wrapping her hands around me. And in that moment my soldiers are done fighting. I collapse against her letting tears race down my cheeks.
"Mom..." my voice small, my eyes sting with pain but nothing compares to my heart.
Her fingers rum through my hair cooing softly. Her scent is new but welcoming.
"Everyone makes mistakes Nicky, but not everyone is smart enough to try and correct it. I should have told your father the truth but I just couldn't face what could happen to me. You're a lot stronger than me. I knew that the day she died. Brooke loves you, she never denied that. Don't let her slip through your fingers so easily."
"She already slipped" I mutter dreadfully.
"So catch her"
"No.... not until my hands are pure"
"And what will that take? You drinking away? When was the last time you've eaten?"
"I want my innocence back" standing to my feet I walk to my front door. The light from outside causes my head hurt and my eyes to squint in pain. "Please leave" I clear my throat. I know what I have to do. Slowly but surely she rises as well wiping her hands on her soft mint green dress. Walking over she cups my cheek. Leaning up she pecks me.
"Take care nick" giving me a motherly reassuring smile she walks out without looking back. That tends to be the thing about the women in my life.
Grabbing my keys along with my coat I decide to venture outside. What's left of my pride wants to show up at her place begging her to take me back. I want her know I would do anything to get her back. Anything to get the haunting image of her inconsolable face out of my memory.
****
I knock slowly on his door not sure on if I want him to answer. I've been sitting in my car for the past ten minutes not because paparazzi were surrounding it but I just wasn't sure if I would be able to talk about what happened again. To relive that would be a well-deserved nightmare.
"Come in" his muffled voice calls from within.
Slowly I turn to knob, pushing into his emotionless room. My eyes wander not in interest but the fear of him looking me in the eyes and seeing me for what I am.
"Nick?"
"I..." taking a deep breath I try again. "I would like to speak with you doctor"
"Usually I would make an appointment but come in, sit if you will"
This all seems too familiar. As if I'm reliving the past.
My flimsy feet scrap across the ground and my fingers play with and imaginary print on my jeans. My eyes concentrate out the window on the school across the street. Happy kids getting smiled upon by their proud parents.
I want that...
"How was your day today nick?" I don't talk. I never talk. But today...
"I... I had a bad dream"
"The same dreams you always have?" his pen clicks on his note pad as if he's ready to write down my life.
"Yes... my life is normal... I'm okay now. And the family I'm with loves me but they found out what I did so they left me..."
"Nick?" I snap my eyes to him and he's just staring. Trying to understand. "Please... sit you look stupefied with alcohol. I don't recommend driving" he gestures to the chair by the widow. In some aspects this is his playroom and I'm his sub. Not in the sexual level but the level of dominance. He takes a seat crossing one leg over the other. His brown slacks and olive green sweater blending to the dull room.
"What brings you here?"
I need help
I want to fix what I did
I'm stuck
I feel alone
She hates me
I love her
She hates me...
I can't let her go
I'm selfish
No!
Yes... I'm selfish
She deserves better
But I can be better... do better
SHE HATES ME...
"Nick" I look up at him to see him calmly staring at me "you've been sitting quietly for almost an hour.
Shifting in my chair I clear my throat "you'll have excuse me. Time seems slip by so fast without realization"
"Time waits for no one, but in simple terms what did you come here for? What do you need?"
"I need Brooke back"
"And?"
"And?... how do I go about that I lost a part of me that can only be fixed with her."
"You're suffering from guilt"
"It was my fault."
"You can't try to have her forgive you when you haven't forgiven yourself. Forgiving oneself, like forgiving another, can be a difficult process. Steps that are important in the process of self-forgiveness include Acknowledgement of the actual hurt caused without exaggerating or minimizing what happened. Addressing the degree to which you were responsible for this harm – there may have been something you could have done differently, but you may not be responsible for everything. Overestimating your responsibility can prolong guilt longer than necessary."
"I should have told her about Jessie. But I couldn't bear the fact of her leaving me."
"So instead you try to trap her in a marriage and then spill the beans about mistress and child?"
"SHE IS NOT MY MISSTRESS!" I growl. "She was a mistake I made a long ago when I was a stupid boy! I left her in the past"
"That's the thing about children. You can't leave them in the past. They grow up and the elephant in the room is now visible by everyone else."
"You're not helping me!"
"I never agreed to help you. In fact our session ended ten minutes ago. Now I'm going to tell you what you need to hear. You didn't tell brook about Jessie to spare her feelings, you did it to save your own ass. You had the mindset that Brooke was just an untamed sub that would come crawling back to master's touch even when you shattered everything along with her pride. You lost her trust that day and her view of you changed and you do not just get that back because you decide to drink every night and wallow in self guilt. You can't be the victim and the villain. You're hurting because the deck of cards flipped on you. Even when you had the upper hand. You were so blinded that you didn't realize you had the chance to change them, you were the dealer this whole time."
"I..."
"Yes that's what you seem to always start your sentence with. The infamous word I. you've owned up to what you did but you've done nothing to actually fix it. One thing I learned about Brooke was she was always willing to put your emotional and mental matters before her own but I have yet to see you do that for her. Have you ever thought that putting her first can actually help with yours?"
"I've always put her first!"
"How so? You make sure she orgasms first? We both know your doing that for you so What else?"
"I would give up everything for her. Without hesitation"
"The difference between you and Brooke is your would and she's I have. You would have done this differently for her, you would have changed this but she has changed this and she has tried something different"
"So what are you saying I should do?"
"I'm going to tell you the same thing I told her, fight for what you want"
"You've spoken to her? How is she?" I'm practically clinging to the edge of my seat any news about her is good news
Unless she's found someone who treats her better...
NO!
"She acts strong, but no one is that tough."
"Did she say anything about me?"
"I can't discuss that with you, and even if I wanted to that's for you to find out" he's not going to tell me anything. standing to my feet I feel dizzy. But I shake it off.
"Before you go I'd like to leave you with something. Love isn't always perfect. It isn't a fairytale or a storybook, and it doesn't come easy. Love is overcoming obstacles, facing challenges, fighting to be together, holding on and never letting go. It's a short word, easy to spell difficult to define and impossible to live without. Love is work but most of all love is realizing that every hour, every minute and every second was worth it because you did it together."
"If... If she ever gets in contact with you... Tell I love her" I can feel the tears well up, but I don't stop. I'm done fighting what I feel. "And tell her that I'm sorry..." He says nothing but I don't want him to. Stiffly I walk out his office closing the door behind him.
I Know what I have to do...
brooke
I've been at this airport for more then and hour. Not really sure why I feel so strange about leaving. There's nothing left for me here.
This vacation is a new start for me but for some reason somethings holding me back.
Something or someone...
With that angering thought I grab by bags heading to the exit. The Tarmac is huge but my eyes are set on the private jet that comes along with it.
I said my goodbyes to the ones that deserved them, Even if each one wanted me to stay and face whatever they think I need facing. The pilot of the jet greets me with a warm smile shaking my hand.
"Won't Mr. Cartier be traveling with us?" My semi real smile drops and what's left of my heart sinks further into the darkness inside me.
"No he won't" I try not to snap. "It's just me" from my facial expression he gets the gist. He looks to his flight attendants who nods their heads and walks into the jet. I slowly follow after. Each step seems to make the jet look farther away, but there nothing in the way to stop me now.
"Brooke!" I turn around slowly and in pure confusion to see eve running towards me. Sweat coats her face making strands of her hair stick.
I stag in my place not waking to make the trip down the stairs. I might not ever leave if I go down them again.
"What are you doing here?" She supported my decision to go.
"N-Nick..." She pants placing her hands on her knees pulling in air. That name makes me cringe.
"I don't want to hear anything about him. So if you came all the at here to talk about him then just go back home—"
"He's... Well he's..."
"He's what?" For the first time in a long time fear grips me. And I'm not sure why
"Eve TALK NOW!"
"They found his car in the lake..."
No...
"There saying he's... Dead"
NO.....
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