a/n: don't start the song yet. also im sorry. don't kill me.
josh's pov
after that night with tyler, it opened my eyes that i really need to be there for him. i can't believe he actually hurt himself. it pains me to see the boy i love, sad and broken.
i can't lose him.
>>
today i have another appointment with dr.carter. all of my other check ups have been okay, so i'm not really worried about this one.
i told mom that she didn't have to come, but she insisted that she be there. i mean that's mom's for you, they gotta be there for you.
i love my mom, she's so strong. she's been by my side this whole time with a smile on her face. i can't even thank her enough for everything.
the drive to the doctors was filled with mom and i singing our asses off. mom insisted that we sing something by Wham! because she loves George Michael. Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go blared through our speakers, it was the only song i knew beside Careless Whisper, but i kinda didn't want to sing that song with my mom.
after many awful high notes later, we arrived at the doctors office. we waited for about 10 minutes, then a nurse called my name.
i followed him to the physical room, where he did the basics; checking my weight, blood pressure, temperature, and all that nonsense.
a few minutes pass, and that's when dr.carter walked in.
"hey josh, how are you today?" dr.carter asked.
"i'm doing okay dr.carter, how are you?" i said.
"josh. we've been over this plenty of times already. call me ian, and i'm doing fine." ian said, while rolling his eyes. "anyways, your results are back from last time."
"good or bad?" i start tapping my legs, it was a nervous habit.
"well, it's not exactly good."
"what?" my heart rate increased. my heart felt like it was gonna go through my rib cage.
"so your cancer spread. the cells formed together and created a tumor close to your heart."
"a-a tumor?" i gulped.
"yes, a tumor. the good news is we spotted it quickly, meaning it's small and we can get rid of it before it grows any bigger."
"so-so is the tumor c-cancerous?"
"yes. it's called a malignant tumor, but for you, it's known as a metastasis because it spread from where you had cancer prior, so it's like the cancer you had before but now you have a tumor. if we don't get rid of it soon, more tumors can form. so it's best we get rid of it as soon as possible."
"what's gonna happen when you remove the tumor?"
"once the surgery is done, you have to do another session of chemo. this won't be as long, just a couple weeks till everything is out of your system."
"o-okay." my head was spinning, that was a lot to take in.
"the surgery can be in two weeks, that's when i'm free. are you okay with that?"
two weeks?
"i think so? what day is that exactly?"
"december 1st"
that's tyler's birthday.
fuck.
tyler.
"um, do you have any other day?"
"that's the closest i can schedule it. i want to do it as soon as we can so it the tumor doesn't grow. anytime after the 1st, i'm scheduled up all the way till the 17th. do you have something happening on the 1st?"
"yeah i d-do, it's my boyfriends birthday that day."
"well, this is up to you. so it's either the 1st or we can wait till the 18th, but that means there's a greater risk of the tumor growing and getting worse. i need to know by the 25th of this month. so i'll give you some time to think about it."
"o-okay, thanks so much ian." i say.
"let's go get you checked out, do you want me to tell your mom about all of this?" he asked, i nodded. "alright let's go."
i followed ian back out to the waiting room, where i saw my mom patiently waiting while reading a magazine. she a smile on her face, her smile grew when she saw us walk closer.
"hey ma, i kinda need some time to myself. i'm gonna walk home if you don't mind?" i say.
"of course honey, is everything okay?" i felt my eyes start watering.
"y-yeah mom, i'm fine." i gave her a smile. "dr.carter is gonna tell you everything, i just need some fresh air." she nodded, i kissed her forehead. "i love you, i'll see you at home."
"okay sweetie, be careful. i love you too." she said giving me a reassuring smile.
a/n: you can start the song now. it's Lost Direction by Cameron AG
the first thing i did when i walked out the door was put my headphones in. i feel a lot calmer with my headphones in my ears.
since it was the middle of november, it was pretty chilly outside. the trees were starting to lose all their leaves, making piles of oranges, reds, and yellows. the leaves flowed carelessly in the wind revealing the brown grass that was hidden underneath the piles of warm colors.
fall is one of my favorite seasons, the colors and the holidays just bring me happiness and some warmth into my heart.
but as i walk home, leaves crunching underneath every step, i feel this feeling of despair and loneliness. what once brought me happiness and warm smiles, now gives me an empty cold feeling in my chest.
the thoughts in my head resemble blue-black with tints of gray in it. i feel like i'm being swallowed by a rain cloud, surrounded by nothing but gray and darkness.
what's tyler gonna think when i tell him? i really don't want to tell him. he's already going through his own battle with the thoughts in his head, i don't want to worry him more. but if i don't tell him, i feel like i'm lying to him. i can't keep telling him that i'm okay when really i'm not. i just want whatever is best for him.
after another 10 minutes of walking and arguing with myself, i see my house. mom's car is already in the driveway, i sigh and walk to the front door. i open it and hear the tv on. mercury greets me right away and i let a small chuckle leave my mouth. i pick her up and head upstairs to my room.
i lay mercury down on my bed, them proceed to take off my clothes, leaving me in only my underwear. i lay down and pull out my phone seeing i only have a text from tyler.
ty ty 💓: hey babe, text me when your appointment is over. love you <3
my eyes instantly water, i don't know how to tell him. i don't want to lose him, and he can't lose me.
why does cancer have to be a pain in the ass?
i cried myself to sleep that night, with the thought of the boy i love with all my heart.
tyler.
a/n: im sorry. this was very poorly written, it's not edited either so point out any mistakes. thanks so much for 4k reads, i appreciate it. also thanks for all the feedback i love it. oH AND THE BOYS DID SO GOOD LAST NIGHT ON SNL, I CRIED SO MUCH. anyways that's all, i love you guys so much - jay