Castiel POV
Castiel lay awake in his cot, the sheets were tangled around his legs and even in the cold desert night he felt about fifty degrees too hot. He'd tossed and turned, he'd punched his pillow a million times, the music that normally worked to put him to sleep wasn't having an affect and he was starting to feel anxious. Castiel let out a disgruntled sigh and ran his fingers through his messy hair, his mind was running in circles. He couldn't stop thinking about Dean no matter what he did. His chest felt tight at the thought of him, his heart raced when he thought about his smile.
"Fucking hell," he whispered to himself, sitting up. This had to stop, he couldn't be getting feelings for someone he'd barely talked to. He had had about million handsome soldiers come through his care without any side effects, why was this different?! He got the familiar feeling of brief fear that ran through his chest whenever he started to get feelings for someone. Cas was getting really annoyed with himself, his head was feeding him a constant stream of thoughts about Dean - about the future they could have, about what the things they could get up to in the shower... Castiel rolled his eyes at himself, he was such a fucking tool - he needed to get over this. Whatever this was. He angrily ruffled his hair again and flopped back down on his bed.
"Rough night?" Mumbled a sleepy voice from the bunk that was underneath his, it was Elkins - another doctor.
"I guess so," Castiel grumbled in reply.
"Take a fucking walk," Elkins said, in a pissed off manner as he shifted around in his bed and drifted off to sleep again.
Castiel stared up at the ceiling, he knew where he would eventually find himself if he got out of bed. The ceiling felt like it was starting to press down on him.
"Fuck it," he said, exasperated. He kicked his legs out of bed, climbed down from the top bunk, got his stuff and shut the door quietly behind him.
The cool night air met him in a rush, it pulled the heat away from his body and made his head feel less clouded. He wrapped his coat around him and started walking, thinking. The stars were spread up above him in brilliant banner of lights, they shone so brightly here. The Milky Way spread out like a glistening sash - holding everything together. He sighed, what was he going to do?
Night watch soldiers and doctors returning from their shifts walked along in the distance, some of them together, some of them alone. It was a slow night, and the orange lampposts glowed like beacons through the all-consuming blackness. He was thankful for the calm, the lack of danger, the absence of wind. Castiel let out a puff of breath, feeling like it should freeze - it didn't. It seemed like the only thing in this night that was in turmoil was his mind. Castiel rubbed his arms as he sat on a bench beside the make-shift basketball court. He thought about home as he looked up at the stars, he thought about how maybe his mother was looking at the same sky, and thinking of him. He thought about how Nebraska would always be colder than this.
Castiel closed his eyes and remembered.
A light snow was falling, the quiet cold surrounding him, making his cheeks rosy and slightly numb. It was newly winter - this was one of the first times it had snowed this year. His boots hit the ground, silently - he was sixteen and he was going home. Home where there would be warm food and blankets, Castiel never wore a thick enough jacket. His breath froze in front of him, just a few more minutes and he would be there. Suddenly, he saw lights up ahead - blue and red flashing lights. They disrupted the calmness of the fading evening light, it was clear that something wasn't right. Cas quickened his pace, who's house were the police in front of? The calming way his breath had froze and disappeared earlier became bitter - the cold was no longer quiet, it was invasive. His heart rate was quickening, Castiel could hear it in his ears. There was a rushing sound inside his own head, he vaguely realized that he as running now. Snowflakes caught in his dark eyelashes, and all he could feel was the sense that something had gone horribly wrong.
Number 019.
That was the house the police were outside of.
That's where an ambulance was parked.
That was Castiel's home.
"Doctor?" Interrupted a small voice.
Castiel jumped, caught off guard. He turned his head, relieved that it was only one of his assistants returning from late night hospital work.
"Hey Karen," Cas said, suddenly feeling his tiredness.
"What are you doing awake?" She said, stuffing her hands into her pockets.
"Just couldn't sleep," he replied back, the weight of his memories still weighing on his mind. He felt like he had just finished crying even though his eyes were perfectly dry.
"Well it's kinda good you're up actually," she said.
"Why is that?" Cas looked up at her with his blue eyes, light reflecting off of them.
"One of your patients was asking for you, I mean he wasn't really - but he was still awake when I shut everything down. He asked if you were working nights, I told him no but, since you're up, maybe you'd like to go see him?"
She was a pretty nervous girl, it always shone through when she tried to talk, Karen was much better at bandaging patients and stitching wounds than holding a conversation.
"What patient?" Castiel asked, butterflies beginning to float around in his chest - maybe Dean... maybe Dean asked for him?
"His last name is W- Win- uh, something Winc-"
"Winchester?" Castiel asked - maybe to eagerly - as he stood up.
"Yeah that's it, but hey I'm gonna go to bed. Nice talking with you." Karen gave him a funny look before she started to walk away.
"Thanks, goodnight." Castiel said still standing there. What was he going to do? If he went to see Dean he knew his feelings would probably only grow and then - Castiel started walking anyways. To hell with overthinking everything, he was going because he wanted to.
Dean POV
It was dark in the hospital, you certainly couldn't see, but you could hear. Monitors beeped, machines hissed and let off air, patients breathed loudly and some of them even snored. Doors opened and shut outside of the room he shared with other patients, the small amount of light that filtered in through the door changed all the time as people passed.
Dean was restless, he felt so terrible he didn't want to move, but at the same time he felt that if he didn't get out of bed soon he would do something crazy. He probably couldn't do anything about it now if he wanted to though, his head was floaty and all his limbs felt fuzzy. Dean had told the nurse he was in really bad pain so she would increase the amount of meds he was getting. Feeling fuzzy was better than feeling like someone shot a musket ball through your heart.
Dean turned his head so that his cheek was up against his pillow, feeling ashamed. He thought he should be stronger than this. He brought his fingers up to his lips, to try and stop his emotions for welling up again. Dean bit down on one of his knuckles, hoping that the pain would bring him clarity, but it just made him feel weaker. Dean laughed without humour: "If only your dad could see you now," he whispered. "You're all busted up inside," he said to himself again - voice barely audible as the familiar feeling of loneliness started to grow back. He closed his eyes, being stuck in a bed with his own mind wasn't doing him any favours.
From across the room, Dean heard the doorknob rattle. He raised his head from the pillow, suddenly very alert.
The shape of a man was outlined in the faint light coming through the window, something about the way the it was opening made Dean think that it wasn't a doctor. He set his head silently back on the pillow, pretending to be asleep. The man closed the door behind him and came towards Dean's bed. Dean tensed, trying to be ready for anything.
"Dean?" A husky voice disturbed the steady silence of the room.
Dean snapped his head over to face the man now standing above him - was that? It couldn't be.
"Dr. Novak?" Dean rasped, his voice making his throat feel like it was lined in broken glass.
"Shh, don't try to talk," Castiel whispered back.
Dean was very confused at this point, he was happy to see his Doctor there was no reason for Cas to be here.
There was a sharp "shhhhk" noise and a match flared to life, illuminating Castiel's handsome features. It briefly sucked the breath out of Dean's lungs, every time he saw Castiel it was like he was seeing him for the first time. The match started to burn down, but Castiel pulled what was left of an emergency candle out of his coat-pocket and transferred the fire to it's wick.
"Cas-" Dean tried to talk again but Castiel put a finger up to his own cracked lips, in a motion that told him he should be silent.
"Do you still have that notepad?" Castiel whispered as he pulled a stool out from under the cot and sat down.
Dean was bewildered. What the fuck was going on? His heart was racing in his chest, and all the painful feelings seemed to be relieved just by his Doctor's presence, it was wonderful and... strange. But what was Cas doing here?!
Dean motioned to the stand beside his bed, close to where Castiel had set the candle down. Cas took the notebook and pen from the table in his smooth, purposeful fingers and wrote something down before handing the book over. Dean took it, straining to read in the firelight.
"I couldn't sleep, I hope you don't mind." Was written in elegant flowing words across the top of a new page.
Dean looked up at Castiel - of course he didn't mind. He was mesmerized for a moment. The shadows cast by the fire danced across Castiel's features making him look almost angelic. It was an ethereal moment, like something you would see in a dream. He realized he was holding his breath, and it came out in a rush. What the hell were these feelings?
Dean took the pen from Cas's fingers and their hands brushed - his skin felt to alive under Castiel's touch. He did his best to regain his bad-ass composure and started to write back, getting the vague feeling that this was the start of something - that things were about to change.
A/N - Sorry, my italics don't seem
to be working so I had to use bolded letters for the memory part. Also there was a small error in the last chapter - nothing major, but it's fixed now. I'd really like to know if you're liking this story. I enjoy writing it, I just hope someone enjoys reading it too.
xx
Johnlox