Michael + Ch. 18 - Throw It All Away + Sadness
I was never going to get my old life back. Being that star football player who managed to get multiple touchdowns while the other team couldn't even score one wasn't me anymore. I wasn't going to be able to move my legs again, in a way where I could go for a long walk in the park to think, or I could run and feel free. Somehow though, I keep forgetting that having disabilities is my reality, and it'll always be my reality until I'm healed. Maybe never attending this school would have been a better head start for me, but I'm not sure if I regret it. Yet, anyway. Calum is the only good thing I've had happen to me in a while. So far, that is.
The school was hosting another fundraiser, and I wasn't surprised to find that all of the money was going to help profit new cheer uniforms and football helmets. Charity deserves it more. I was sitting off on the sidelines watching everyone chat people up on why they should donate as they shook their hips to the beat of the music that was playing on the wireless radio. It was some sort of rap song. Something that I didn't care much about, because it was only about sex. That song was, anyway. I didn't understand the hype.
Luke was eyeing me down the entire time, and maybe it was because Calum broke up with him. He was the reason for me being in the hospital, but I guess that never made it through his head. I couldn't even think about his idiocy for long because he was making his way over towards me, and I could feel my breath starting to shake again. Please don't hurt me. He had this smile on his face, almost as if it was forced, but not forced enough, and his hands were clinging to the cotton inside of his pockets, and his blue eyes were shooting daggers and arrows inside of my brain. He wasn't Calum. "You know what I think, Michael?"
"W - What?" And then I was stuttering again. It was almost as if I didn't have any control over who I was when Luke was around. He was a huge reason as to why I didn't want to be apart of this world anymore, but Calum made it worthwhile. "I think you're intimidated by me."
"Right, sure, of course," I rolled my eyes while pulling up a front, but I knew he was going to catch onto my lies in the span of a minute. He always did, and he'd always beat me up for it. Calum had finally noticed after a while, and I didn't miss the way he looked sympathetic, or the way his lip was quivering, or the way he was humming along to the music on the radio and trying his best not to look at me, but I did miss the way he started talking to the cheerleaders afterwards. I obviously wasn't that important.
Luke had his hands on the arms of my wheelchair, and he was intimidating, and why that was, I wasn't sure. But I did know that he made me want to run, hide, get out of this place once and for all. I couldn't leave Calum, though, not in the mental state that he was. I cared more about his happiness than I cared about my own. "Still looking at my boyfriend, huh?"
"He told me you guys broke up," I froze, and in that moment in time, I knew I was just being stupid. Chances were that Calum was just playing me to get a good laugh, or maybe he just wanted Luke, because he's better than me. I'm just Michael Clifford, what the hell is there to love about me?
The heat was unbearable, and I wanted to take my jacket off, but I couldn't. Luke was blocking me from all possible movement, and he had this grin on his face that made me feel anxious. He was possessive, that's for sure. "Oh silly, silly Clifford. We're still together."
"But Calum said-"
"That he came knocking at my door at three in the morning crying because he wanted me back so bad?" Luke smirked, and I felt my heart shatter in two. This couldn't be true, this couldn't be true. I glanced back over at Calum, and I saw that he was looking at me and smiling, but I just shook my head at him and closed my eyes. That broke his smile for sure. I didn't miss the way he looked hurt when I didn't smile back at him. I didn't miss the way he looked as though I was running through his mind and he was scared. I didn't miss the way he looked back down at his hands as if something belonged there, as if it was something that belonged to me. But oh, I did miss the way he shook it all off and started walking towards me. I was so caught up in thought that I didn't realize he was standing at Luke's side seconds later. "Mind if I talk to Michael alone for a few?"
"I do mind, actually," Luke gritted his teeth, and I felt disgusted by the way he growled at the brunette, by the way Calum just took it and didn't do anything about it. This was toxic, and it made me hate myself even more than I already do. "I'm fucking tired of you demanding time with this idiot. Can't you see he just wants to get in your pants? God Calum, grow the fuck up and pay attention to me for once."
"I will, I will," Calum shook his head, "I just need a second alone with him, please. Then you can have me all you want." Luke seemed satisfied at that answer, and he just walked away with that same old grin on his face, and I didn't want to be apart of this anymore. I didn't even want to look at Calum. "Michael, look at me."
"You said you broke up with him."
"And I did," Calum frowned, mocha eyes melting into my green ones, but I wasn't going to let him get to me this time. Not when he was just continuously hurting me. "But some things are just beyond my control a-and I just. . I was stupid to think that I could just go back to him without there being any consequences."
"Then why did you?" I asked, and I hated that my voice cracked, I hated that I was being vulnerable, and I hated that Calum was being sympathetic. It was the opposite of what I wanted. "Why did you go back to somebody who's so. . so wrong for you?"
"Don't say that Michael, you don't know me. You don't know what's good for me," Calum scolded, and I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. I didn't want to be here anymore. I've been holding onto this string in hopes that it'd save me, but it's only pushing me down further and further. There wasn't much to do about it at this point. "I'm fucked up, okay? I like putting myself in bad situations, I like being bad, not good. I've never been good, and I'm certainly not good for you."
"That's just you hiding under your shell," I broke down, letting his lies get between the layers of my skin. "That's just you pretending to be somebody you're not."
"It's not like we were meant to be anyway," Calum laughed with a forced smile on his face, and now I knew what it meant to love Calum Hood. I knew, I knew, I knew, and I just wanted to lose my memory at this point.
Maybe you're right, we're polar opposites," I gave in, because I knew there was no use in fighting. It'd just bring all of the good times back, to the time he held me up so I could paint, to the time he talked to me in music class, to the time he ran with me even though I was in a wheelchair and I could've gotten hurt. He taught me what it meant to live, and now all I feel is dead inside. Maybe that's what I'm meant to feel. Maybe I'm not meant to feel anything else but that.
"How?"
"We're polar opposites, Calum. You smoke cigarettes and vape, I drink coffee and play video games."
"Yet you're somehow my favorite person in the universe," Calum reiterated, and my heart started pounding again, but I needed to get it to stop. This was just him easing me in, this was just him making the situation not as bad as it seems, this was just him being Calum, and hurting me more and more by the second. "Don't - don't do that."
"Why not? I'm only stating the truth."
"Yeah, and the truth is that you prefer Luke over me. The truth is that you'd rather be with an abusive cunt who doesn't really give a shit about you over somebody who does. Over somebody who'd give you everything you ask for."
"Michael, you don't know what you're talking about."
"You know," I paused, letting the reality sink in that I'm just as fucked up as Calum is, that I'm just looking for an escape in a world without holes, that maybe I'm supposed to be fighting for something I'll never get. Maybe I'm not supposed to be happy, even if I feel that way when Calum looks at me. And he was looking at me. I didn't miss the way tulips were poking at the edges of his lips. I didn't miss the way he placed his hand over his heart because he was desperately trying not to have a panic attack. I didn't miss the way he was washing me and my negativity out of his hair. But I did miss the way he elevated his feet and moved closer so that his lips were touching my forehead, and I wasn't sure on if I was okay with this or not. "I'm stupid for thinking that somebody like you could love somebody like me. I'm stupid for getting these butterflies, and I'm stupid for wanting to kiss you every second of the day."
It was obvious that Calum was speechless, and maybe that was a good thing, or maybe it wasn't, I'd never truly know. "I honestly thought that you'd be the first person who wouldn't break my heart, that you'd be the first person to truly love me and mean it when you say it."
"Michael-"
"But I was wrong, I was so fucking wrong, because now I'm up every single night thinking of you and all of the times you showed or said that you had feelings for me and probably never meant it," I cracked, and I could tell that Calum felt guilty about something. I could tell that he was sad, but at this point, I didn't give a fuck, because I was sad, and nobody cared. Nobody ever cared enough to make sure that I was okay, and if they did, they were just pretending because they wanted to fix their reputation or they wanted to be cooler, even if they were just always assholes that everyone admired. Calum was that asshole. "And it's funny, it's so funny to me how I have this playlist of songs that I can't listen to anymore, because every single lyric reminds me of you."
"Of course," Calum started letting his eyes water, he started letting the tears fall, "I didn't expect you to understand, anyway."
"Understand what?"
There was nothing to understand. I pieced everything together perfectly. I was just a stupid boy who thought he had a chance with the most popular guy in school, and Calum was just an idiot who thought he loved me, but really, really didn't. He's loved Luke all along. "I didn't beg for him back."
"Then explain his satisfaction. Explain why he's still making my life a living hell, Calum."
"It was the other way around," Calum frowned, "I'm an idiot, because I can't say no to people, I just can't. And I know he's no good for me, and I know that I'm constantly doubting our relationship and trying to get away because I'm so fucking into you rather than him, but it doesn't matter, right? I'm just an idiot and a fuck up and I only lure myself back into these mistakes that make up me."
"Stop," I shook my head, pulling his hand close because even though I was mad, I was still going to help him. That's just what friends do. "You are not the mistakes you made or will make in the future. You are none of that."
"Then why can't I just be happy?"
"Because you aren't letting yourself be," I sighed, and even he knew I was right. I didn't miss the way he wiped his tears with the back of his hand, or the way he kissed his knuckles afterwards because it still somehow calmed him down, or the way he started swaying his body side to side because it made him look funny and he wanted to make me laugh. But I did miss the way he was whispering things, things that I couldn't hear, things that I wasn't meant to hear. "If you're unhappy, do something about it."
"Just looking at you and hearing your voice and knowing you're alive makes me happy," Calum admitted, and I was blushing, and it was almost to the point of me not being able to breathe, and I knew I was giving in, but that was okay. Because I knew he had good intentions, he just chose to represent them in the opposite way. "But knowing that you're not mine and that you'll never be mine doesn't make me happy. Luke doesn't make me happy, either. . ."
"Then break up with him."
"It's not that easy. You don't know Luke. When he doesn't get his way, he gets. . . He gets," Calum replied, all choked up, and I just wanted to be the one to heal him. I wanted to be the one to protect him, but I couldn't, not when I was in a wheelchair. "He gets angry and abusive until he gets his way," I interrupted, and when Calum nodded, I knew I needed to get him help. But how was way out of the question. "You'll find your way around it, you always do."
"Do you even want to be with me after everything I've done?" Calum questioned, and as much as I wanted to say no, I couldn't. It wasn't because I was holding back, or because I was like him and I had the inability to say that word, but because being with him for at least a few seconds, or minutes, or hours or days makes me forget that I'm not okay, and I like it. I like forgetting that my depression exists, I like forgetting that I'm just a cloud floating through the sky, and raining on the parade of others. He just makes me feel alive, even when I don't want to be.
"I'll always want to be with you, Calum."
And when he sniffled and wiped the tears out of his eyes and gave me the most genuine smile I've ever seen him wear, I knew that he'd figure it out. I knew that maybe I was wrong, and maybe he did love me. Only with time would I be able to tell, and that's why I wasn't so sure about everything in the first place.
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A/N;
2731 words
Thoughts?
Sorry for such a long wait. I hope it was worth it. If it wasn't, then oh well. I know my writing is shitty haha.
Fun Fact; if you lick someone's elbow while they are not paying attention, they will not feel it.
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