Slash and Duff followed Axl onto the stage. I stood there at the doorway, shaking, quivering, desperately trying to think myself out of this situation. The guitar felt too heavy in my hands, it was only after I'd finished playing that I realized it was Izzy's prized possesion. My palms were slick with sweat and I couldn't get a good grip on the fingerboard.
"Yay, Callie!" Steven cheered as he ran over to the stage door, beckoning me along with him. "It's fun, man, I swear! The girls throw panties at you, and sometimes food if you're lucky."
I clutched his arm tightly to my chest. He grinned pervertedly, "Now that's what I'm talking about."
"What? No!" I said, quickly dropping his arm. "I need you to get me outta here! Like... right now!"
"Outta here?"
"Yes!"
"Okay." He said agreeably and grabbed onto one of my hands.
Relief was beginning to flood through me, but that all fell out of my butt the second I saw where he was taking me.
All he did was yank me through the doorway with him, and propel me with unnatural force onto the stage.
"I totally would've helped you, but I don't wanna be buttfucked! Good luck."
I glared at him so hatefully as he went to his drumset. He smiled and gave me a thumbs up.
The stage was completley dark, the crowd couldn't see us yet. I could see them with frightening clarity, and it scared the living daylights out of me. They weren't even screaming yet but they sounded like a steam engine.
I crept along in the dark, hoping to find a door or somewhere to hide.
Instead I ran flat into someone.
"Damn it, Calliope!" That was definitely Axl.
"Sorry," I whispered back. "Doesn't this prove I'm not cut out for this?"
"Go stand over there next to Slash, and try not to ruin the whole damn show. Just do what he does."
"But I don't wanna do-"
"Shut up and go!"
I huffed under my breath, turning my back to him. My eyes were adjusting to the dark and I could just see Slash's sillhouette in the dark. I went to him and stood there, shaking.
"Hi." I whispered.
"Don't fuck this up," he responded.
That scared the shit out of me, only because he actually sounded serious. That was completely unlike him at the time.
"All you have to is play power chords for the most part. You'll be fine."
For a minute or so, all I could hear was the sound of my own breathing, and my heart beating out of my chest. I was positive I might wet my pants- that was, until we started playing.
Slash began, and then came the drums. I recognized Izzy's entrance just in time, and when Axl began to sing the lights came on- full force.
I wasn't really thinking about what I was playing, the power chords were easy to distinguish from Slash's playing. Steven looked like the happiest person on the planet, grinning as he expertly played his drums. Axl was center stage, so I watched him.
Duff was on the complete other side of the stage- and completely unrecognizable. Until that point I'd regarded Duff as a man of few words, a reserved person all around. I was wrong.
He was shirtless, eyes closed, playing with ease as he skipped along the edge of the stage, like a sweaty bambi. I smiled a little bit- this is how he could deal with being so serious all the time.
Slash was no longer by my side, he was doing the same thing Duff was doing, running up and down the stage, exciting the crowd.
I was frozen in my spot, unsure of how to proceed.
So I played my chords for a little while, and looked back at Steven for help. He pointed at Axl with one of his drumsticks, and mouthed the word "go."
I shook my head at him wildly and he frowned at me. "Go!"
"Dang it," I cursed. No one heard of course, the music was pretty much defeaning. Part of the wonder behind all of this was discovering how loud I could really be.
I squared my shoulders, and took a deep breath in. It was right then that truly realized what was happening, and despite my intense hesitation, underneath it all... this was something I'd always dreamed of.
Time did me a favor and stopped for just a moment, long enough for me to close my eyes and think. All the greatest performers... what did they all have in common? Good looks? No, not everyone was beautiful. Talent? Of course, but there are plenty of people with talent. Great performance? Definitely. You might not be much to look at, but if you can go out there and give people a good time, you're set.
So then I posed the counter-question: What makes a good performer? Confidence, stage presence, showboating... Gene Simmons facial makeup... I had none of those things, but I figured pretending I did would be the best I could do.
The sound of the crowd came rushing back to me, my eyes flew open.
I forced a smile onto my face- not a grin, more like a smirk. I squared my shoulders, shook out my hair a little bit more. I was scared to death of looking like an idiot, but I forced myself to jog past Axl, spin around and face him.
He was doing his own thing of course, but the minute he saw me, he stopped. The song was ending soon, but I guess he didn't care.
I startled a little bit when he threw his arm around my waist and drew me closer to him. I'd seen him do stuff like that with Slash and Duff so I knew it wasn't sexual, but the minute he touched me my skin was hotter than an inferno and it was spreading quickly.
The rest of the set was a blur. Eventually I stopped caring that the crowd was there, I was mostly focused on maintaining my persona. It wasn't as hard as I thought-- the only thing that kept messing me up was Axl's constant need to touch me. It sent me spinning, most times right into his chest.
The crowd didn't seem to question my presence at all, it was a high-energy show. That was fine with me, really.
After the last song, I finally allowed myself to come down off of my rock-star cloud. I felt a little cold, a little bit awkward, but mostly just proud of myself.
I stood there, right beside Axl and Duff, just breathing and staring out at the crowd. And I smiled.
I made eye contact with a few of them, they seemed to be smiling right back at me, reaching for me. With my arms around Duff and Axl, we took a bow, waved to the crowd, and left the stage.
I was no longer just Callie, I had changed permanently and that was clear. I was vibrating, I was hyperventilating, my eyes were wide open.
I turned to them once we'd left the stage, not bothering to meet their eyes.
"Um... sorry about that," I said quietly. "Hopefully it'll never happen again, once you find Izzy."
"What, you're kidding right?" Stevie said after a few quiet moments, looking back and forth between me and the rest of the band. "You... were awesome! You were amazing! No one expected you to actually get into it you know, but you did... and you fit perfectly! Don't be all down on yourself, Callie. Be happy 'cause the crowd loved you."
I gave a small smile, just for his sake. "You're just saying that."
Duff was gulping down a bottle of water, but once he finished he nodded in agreement.
"He's right, Callie," Duff breathed, "we were electric tonight. We haven't had such an... energized performance in a long time."
Slash looked conflicted, swiping a hand across his forehead. "Yeah. They aren't lying, Callie. Who taught you to perform?"
"No one," I whispered, looking up at Axl tentatively.
He was watching me carefully, all traces of his stage persona had dissipated. He took Slash's waterbottle and sipped from it, still watching me all the while.
"You did... better than I thought you would," he concluded, and shoved Slash's waterbottle back into his hands. "I didn't expect you to be so... fluid. You're a natural at that, Calliope. We're lucky that you were around to help us tonight."
"Yeah!" Stevie cheered, throwing his drumsticks down onto the floor dramatically. "Now it's time for the best part! The partying!"
Adrenaline was still coursing through my system, I wasn't thinking straight. Anything but going home sounded great to me, and if that meant partying, I was all for it.
"Fuck yeah," Slash agreed, slapping hands with Stevie. "What club we gonna hit up tonight?"
Duff was smirking. "Izzy's gonna fucking miss out tonight, I saw we hit up The Dark Room."
I followed them down the hall, staring at my hands as they quivered before my face. I loved the feeling I was getting, though I couldn't tell what it was for a long while. It was so empowering, what I had just done- the opposite of my normal life. Instead of dainty, I was hard core. Instead of lady-like, I was butch. Instead of being scared, I was outgoing.
I was the Callie I had only ever dreamed of being when I was onstage.
I hardly felt Axl's arm around my shoulder as we penetrated the sea of people, all clapping for us, pointing, watching our every move.
"Do you think any cameras saw me here tonight?" I whispered joyfully.
"Probably."
I grinned.
****
I sat there wordlessly, trying not to stare too long at Stevie and Adriana. She was straddling him and they were practically swallowing each other's faces, all while balancing on a slender bar stool.
I wasn't watching them because I was perverted, I wasn't watching them because I was bored. I was watching their movements, the way they were intimate, because I wanted what they had. I wanted so desperately to be as carefree as Adriana in all of her blonde glory, I wanted to be confident enough to go all out in public, just like they were.
Most of all, I wanted that with the man that was sitting right beside me.
He was quiet, sipping on some whiskey, listening to the pulsing nightclub music.
Slash was sitting a few seats down with his newest conquest, a woman named Renee. She was pretty enough, and he seemed to truly enjoy her company- even if his hand was wedged up her dress.
Duff was nowhere to be found- I could only hope that he wasn't cheating on his wife.
I had a plain club soda, nothing alcoholic about it. I'd thought about ordering something for myself as a treat for doing so well, but Axl (not so kindly) reminded me about what had happened last time I ingested too much alcohol.
I remembered most of it fondly, but only because of the drunk, overly sexual dancing and intense make outs.
"He's having more fun than we are," I pointed out, nodding toward Steven.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Axl grunted, sipping more whiskey.
"Nothing. Just that he's having more fun than we are."
He paused for a little while, saying nothing at the bartender refilled his glass generously.
"This isn't how it usually is after a show. The partying is usually a lot more intense, and it ain't always at a nightclub. Sometimes other bands throw the parties, there's a lot more chicks. It's way better."
I nodded. "Nice."
He drained his glass again, turning in his seat to face me. "I'm sure your Jon misses you."
"He's not 'my Jon'," I said quickly. "We've just been spending time together."
His eyes narrowed a little bit. "What's the difference?"
"There's a big difference. It's not a serious thing."
He scoffed, shaking his head.
"With Jon? Of course it's serious. The guy is like Romeo reincarnated or some shit."
"He is pretty thoughtful," I sighed, running a hand through my hair.
"Whatever." Axl snapped.
"Where's your wife?" I retorted, slightly irritated.
"I don't fucking know."
I sighed. I was getting fed up with him, and he was getting fed up with me. I could feel it, but somehow I still didn't want to leave. It was long past midnight, so I knew I had to, but something was preventing me from moving.
"Do you have a... a problem with me and Jon, Axl?"
His gaze was intensely accusatory.
"No! Why the fuck would I care about who you waste your time on now, Calliope? I've moved on! I've got my own wife, and my own life. Fuck whoever you wanna fuck, I don't give a shit and I never did."
That burned.
I just looked at him, at a loss for words. I wanted to tell him that he used to be my world, and in a way he still was, but I couldn't bring myself to. I just stared into those hateful eyes of his and wished I hadn't said anything.
I could feel my eyes start to tingle, and I knew I had leave before he could see me cry.
I slid off of my bar stool, leaving a few dollar bills for the bartender.
"I haven't had sex with anyone," I whispered, turning my back. "Nobody but you."
I knew that was a lie, but it came so easy to me. I never regarded sex with Cap as a pleasant experience, in fact in my mind it was much closer to rape than it was anything pleasurable. I left him sitting there and pushed myself into the crowd of clubgoers. I like to think I heard him come after me, but of course he didn't.
****
"I miss you, Cal."
I craddled the phone with my shoulder, watcing as fat snowflakes lazily descended from the sky. It was Christmas Eve, and everyone seemed to be in good spirits- apart from me. Cap and Jess were even in the kitchen, 'helping' the maids prepare dinner. I still hadn't talked to Cap much, and I wasn't planning on it.
I was hiding in the sitting room with the telephone, hoping to God that no one would find me.
"I miss you more, Jonny."
I assumed he was in Jersey already, I hadn't seen him in days. I hadn't really seen anyone. After I'd gotten home from the concert, I didn't go out. I didn't wanna risk running into Axl again in any alleyways.
"You having a good Christmas, Callie?"
I shrugged. "It would be better if you were here."
He chuckled softly. "Whatcha been up too?"
He'd been in Jersey, and he didn't know about the concert. That was a relief, because ever since the media caught wind of the show, the paparazzi outside had been relentless. I was just lucky that the White House was a ghost town over the holidays, and Jess had no reason to go outside.
"Nothing much, just hanging out I guess."
"That's good. Oh-- Steven told me to tell you that they're having a Christmas thing tomorrow night at um... Axl's place, so... if you wanted to head over there. He seemed to really want you to come."
I sighed. "Uh... I don't know, I mean... I spent a whole bunch of Christmases without my dad. I think I'm gonna give this one to him."
Jon seemed relieved. "That's sweet of you. You're an angel, you know?"
"You kidding?" I scoffed.
"Nope. Not at all, you're prettier than one too."
"Jonny, stop it." I was flushing like a flustered schoolgirl.
"Callie? Where are you! We're pouring wine!" Someone called from the kitchen.
"Damn it," I sighed. We'd been on the phone for a while and the conversation was pretty much dead anyways, but I was doing everything I could to avoid Cap.
"You gotta go?"
"Yeah. Call me later, okay?"
"Okay, angel."
I laughed and set the phone down quietly, just in time. Cap rounded the corner and came into the room, staring at me suspiciously.
"What are you doing in here?"
"Nothing," I said, a little too quickly.
"Alright, well... come." He held out his hand, which I took and got to my feet.
He caught me off guard and wrapped his arms around my waist, hugging me close.
"I'm sorry, Callie."
I didn't hug him back, I just stood there with my arms at my sides.
"I know, Cap."
I kissed his cheek, and joined Jess in the kitchen.
****
"More perfumes, and... more clothes. Thank you guys, I really do appreciate everything you got for me," I smiled at both Cap and Jess. I was seated, cross-legged beneath our sweet-smelling Christmas Tree.
Of course, I would've loved to take everything back and exchange it for music, but I couldn't do that.
"Ah, it's not over yet," Jess winked, and handed me another small package.
Inside was a checkbook, as well as a debit card. Confused, I stared up at Jess.
"What is this?"
"I told you I had an account in your name, didn't I?"
I just blinked at him.
"Listen, darling. I feel... I feel just terrible about what you've had to go through in my absence, and I've seen what it's done to you. You used to be such an outgoing child, but now... it seems that you haven't gotten to experience much of what life has to offer. I want you to take that money, and I want you to be happy. There will always be plenty in the account, you don't have to worry."
I was grinning at him, it stung my cheeks.
"Jess, you're amazing."
"And... I'm not done," he smiled.
He handed me one last package, which was rectangular and flat. I tore it open eagerly, squealing with delight when I saw what was inside.
"Oh my GOD! 1984, Van Halen?"
It was an album I had head to acquire, though I'd been yearning for it for the longest time.
"How did you know?"
"Read the bottom."
My jaw dropped. Someone had written in sharpie all over the back of the album.
"Signed? Eddie Van Halen touched this album?" I squeaked, and threw my arms around him.
"Oh my god, you're the best!"
I thought I might cry, but instead I just hugged him until he told me that he couldn't breathe.
Cap looked indifferent.
I jumped to my feet, album in one hand and checkbook in the other. "I don't mean to be ungrateful, or cut this short... but there are some people who need to see this." I pointed to the album.
"Go, have fun." Jess smiled, nodding toward the door.
"God, I love you." I took the time to smile at him before I sprinted into my bedroom. I retouched my makeup a little bit and slid into my converse, whisking Jon's coat over my shoulders.
I left the apartment in a rush. I caught a cab to Axl's new place, clutching the album to my chest. I was buzzing with excitement, mostly because I wanted to show Stevie Eddie Van Halen's signature. I wasn't real into seeing Axl again, but he said he didn't care so I decided I wouldn't either.
I walked right up to Axl's front door and knocked with confidence.
The door opened virtually a second later, which caught me off guard.
Axl was dressed in black from head-to-toe, and his hair was uncombed.
"Callie!" Stevie called from somewhere inside. "You came!"
Axl just stared at me, saying nothing.
"Where's your wife?" I said drily, staring right back at him.
"With family," he grumbled. It was peculiar to me that I hadn't yet seen them together, I began to wonder if she existed in the first place, or if he just used to her make me jealous.
"Okay then, well... Merry Christmas!" I yipped cheerfully.
He blinked. "Merry fucking Christmas."
He moved aside and let me into the condo. It wasn't decorated, they didn't even have a Christmas tree. The band was gathered in Axl's living room, exchanging poorly wrapped presents over cans of lukewarm beer.
"Slash, drumsticks that say 'Fuck you fucker'? You're the best fucking friend ever!"
Slash rolled his eyes. "Whatever man. They were five bucks at the music store."
"Guys, look what my dad got me!"
I rushed into the living room and held the album out. Everyone, including Duff, leaned forward to see what it was. "1984?"
"Yup, special edition and signed by Eddie Van Halen."
"No fucking way!" Stevie growled, pointing at Slash. "And all he got me was some fucking drumsticks! I was totally exaggerating to be nice."
I plopped down beside Slash, grinning proudly and hugging the record. "He so totally gets me."
"I called Jon." Stevie giggled.
Axl came into the living room, glaring at Stevie. "Why the hell would you do that?"
"Jon's our friend, why wouldn't he?" Duff said slowly, narrowing his eyes at Axl slowly.
"Jon's in New Jersey anyway," I sighed.
"This is my fucking house," Axl grumbled, dropping down onto the floor. "Lemme see that album." He snatched it from my hands before I could even respond.
"Okay, I fucked the shit out of Adriana the other day, I swear it was so fucking fantastic I've gotta tell you guys." Stevie was grinning from ear to ear.
Just then, the door swung open and in came Jon.
He was wearing another trench coat. His clothes seemed perfect and unwrinkled, even though the wind was blowing something fierce outside. The only evidence he'd actually been exposed to the cold weather were the snowflakes dotting his flawlessy blown out hair.
"Jonny?"
"Merry Christmas, Cal." He was grinning at me.
I jumped up from the couch, running to meet him.
I threw my arms around him for a tight hug, even though his coat was freezing cold and just damp enough to be uncomfortable.
"Jonny, what are you doing here? I thought you were in Jersey!"
"I came back a day early, I missed you."
I smiled, brushing some of the snow out of his hair. "I'm glad you did."
"Gag," Axl muttered from the couch.
Jon ignored him, placing his hand against my cheek. "It's good to see you, Cal. I brought you a gift," he said with bright eyes and an even brighter smile.
"Jonny, you shouldn't have done that-"
I stopped cold once I saw what he'd brought. He had been holding it behind his back, wrapped up in a guitar-shaped box. I took a step back so he could set it down, peering at him quizically.
"Jonny... what did you do?"
He was trying to tone down his smile, I could tell. "Open it."
I kneeled down and tore at the festive paper (it was wrapped neatly, unlike Slash's gifts), revealing a shiny black guitar case on the inside. I opened it up and nearly had a heart attach, staring up at Jon like Jesus himself had just popped out of that box.
"Oh... my... fuck." Slash peered over my shoulder into the guitar case.
"No. You didn't. You did not do this," I squealed. I didn't know whether to cry or to scold him.
"I did, for you."
"A custom B.C Rich Mockingbird? How did you... what... how did you even know I play? We've been talking on the phone for days, neither of us has mentioned it even once!"
"You kidding? You're a sensation on MTV." Jon winked at me.
I jumped to my feet again and threw myself into his arms. "You're too good for me, I swear it."
"Nah, it was just a little something I thought you might like."
I kissed him, and I didn't care that Axl was watching. Okay, a part of me totally did care, but I was so happy I ignored it for a few moments.
I withdrew from him and looked back down at the guitar. "Wow," I marveled. Even Slash looked jealous.
I went back to the couch and grabbed the record. I really liked it, but I felt horrible having not gotten Jon a single thing. I took it back to him, and handed it over.
"I want you to have that. There's no way I can let you give me that guitar and not get anything in return."
"Aw! I want it!" Stevie groaned.
"This... is a really cool record," Jon nodded and handed it back to me. "I can't take it though."
"But Jonny-"
"No, really. I wanted to get you this guitar, because... I saw what kinda talent you have Callie, and not many people are blessed with that natural ability to shine. I wish you would've told me how good you were earlier, or even mentioned the fact that you play..."
"Yeah, maybe I should've."
"Anyway, Merry Christmas. I hope it really suits you."
"Um... guys." Duff was standing at the coffee table with a piece of paper in his hands, looking like he'd just seen a ghost.
"What, are those your STD test results?" Slash taunted him.
"No, you fucking idiot. It's Izzy's resignation letter."
Everyone turned and stared at Axl. His face was whiter than the snow falling from the sky, and it seemed to me that this was the first time I'd ever seen him look scared.
"Fuck."
~fin~