I stared at the closed door for a minute, trying to make sense of what I'd just seen. Something was definitely wrong, and I was lost. I patted my pockets for my cellphone. Surely if I called Jason, he'd explain, but out of the corner of my eye, I saw Kyra standing in her doorway.
“Care to tell me what that was about?” I asked.
“I heard what you asked him.”
“What? When?”
“When you wanted to know if there's anything he'd change about your relationship.”
“Right. And?”
“Well, he's been doing a lot of thinking.”
“And?”
Her eyes looked very big and very lost right then. “We're friends, right? No matter what happens with Jason?”
“What exactly do you think is going to happen?”
“I just want to finish out the summer here. Things are going good.”
“Why wouldn't you?”
Her eyes stayed big and round. “Why don't you ever spend the night with him?”
“Um...”
“Is it because you don't love him?”
“No. I do love him, very much. Look, if you have some personal reason of your own to ask about my sex life, like something you're going through with Nate, I can talk about this, but if you're just being nosy, it's none of your business.”
She fell silent for a moment, then said, “I don't think you're gonna like his answer to your question. Promise me you won't get too mad about it?”
“Are you going to tell me what it is?”
“No way.”
“Okay, well, then I can't answer you. But we'll still be friends, okay?”
She nodded.
“I'm gonna get ready for bed, but you know where to find me.” I went to my room.
Kyra stared after me.
Once in my room, I sat down on my bed and rubbed my temples. I'd known what his answer to my question was going to be. Of course he wanted to sleep together after seven months of dating. A part of me wanted that too. But my other issues wouldn't leave me, and he and I both knew it.
I was twenty-two, way older than the average virgin. I was with my best friend who'd stayed devoted to me for seven months and never complained. A guy who could have any other woman on the planet, literally. Was I just being selfish? The thought of letting go of my chastity felt like breaking a solemn promise to myself. I wasn't where I wanted to be in life before I re-evaluated my feelings on that. I didn't feel ready. I wondered if there was something wrong with me.
***
The next day, Jason was working when I arrived on set. Right afterward, he had an interview with a reporter out in front of his trailer. I didn't get a chance to talk to him until after nine, after we'd gone back to his place, and he was in a foul mood. But I was confident we could talk things through anyhow. We communicated well. One good sit down and everything would be okay.
“Jas,” I said.
“Hmm?”
“Can we talk?”
He looked up. “Yeah, sure, of course.” He went to sit on the couch and pulled me down to sit next to him. “What is it?”
“I talked to Kyra last night.”
He tensed up at once. “What did she say?”
“That she heard me ask you if there's anything you'd change about our relationship. And that it made you think about a lot of things.”
“It did.”
“Do you have an answer for me yet? Because-”
“I'm still working on it.”
“Jas, be honest. Do you want me to spend the night? I won't be at all offended if you do. If you're getting frustrated with me, I want to know.”
“I'm not... just.. enough about that, okay?”
He'd never snapped at me before. I did my best to pretend like it didn't knock me off balance, though it did. “I love you,” I said, “and I want you to know that and I... I don't want to lose what we have, okay? So be honest with me.”
“Do you think sleeping together will prevent our relationship going in a direction you don't want?”
“Um... Well, yeah.”
"It wouldn't change anything, all right? Not with..."
"With what?"
"What else did Kyra tell you?”
“Nothing.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
“You look like you're dreading something.”
“Should I be?”
He didn't answer that.
Well, now I felt dread. “Jason, I really love you. Seriously. If there's something wrong and you're considering anything drastic-”
“Chlo, I'm under a lot of stress at the moment and this conversation is pushing all my buttons. I know it's probably not intentional, but I don't know how to respond right now. Let's just... just watch television or something, okay?”
I felt like I was being strangled, my throat was so tight. “Okay,” I whispered.
Jason turned on the TV, but didn't watch it. He put his arm over his eyes and lay back instead. I stroked his chest and he patted my hand, absently.
But my fear grew, like a yawning chasm in my heart. Our conversations used to solve our issues.
***
Lori didn't answer her phone when I tried to call, and I tried six times. I had other friends, but no one who knew about Jason. I'd kept him secret. Well, except for one: Matthew. That was a crazy idea, and I was desperate.
“Howdy?” he answered.
I burst into tears.
“Something wrong, Chloe?”
“I really, really need a friend right now.”
“What happened?”
“I think the Talk broke us up.”
“Jason dumped you cuz you won't sleep with him?”
“Not yet, but soon, I guess. I shouldn't have called you.”
“Well... I dunno if I can help here. I'm just... you know. Just a religious hick. But did you hear about Lori? She's expecting?”
“Yeah, I already knew about that.”
“You're making the right decision. I know Lori's all happy and jolly, but sheesh.”
I ignored his judgment. “I thought we'd moved past the issue. We had the Talk months ago and he was fine with it, but then I asked him if he was really, truly, honestly happy with our relationship, and he won't answer me. He's gotten all quiet and-”
“Aw, why did you do that?”
“I thought it was only fair.”
“What are you, nuts?”
“Matthew!”
“Sorry. I'm just sayin', though, you don't ask that. You trying to torture the man?”
I sniffled. “How's Michelle?”
“Naw, we broke up.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“It's okay. I got me a teaching job in Houston and she doesn't wanna go there. Breakups happen. I'm good.”
I cried even harder.
“Look, you sit down with Jason and you tell him you love him and you just be you. If he dumps you, he's the world's biggest idiot. Which... maybe he is.”
“I always said he was someone else's fairytale. Maybe it's literally true.”
“Chloe...”
“He always planned ahead for us to see each other, in Vancouver, and Albuquerque, and New York, but he hasn't said word one about New Orleans.”
“Did you seriously ask him whether he was okay with your chastity?”
“Well, kind of.”
“You'll push a guy to crisis that way. Seriously. What did you think would happen?”
***
That Friday, I was alone in Jason's hotel room. Jason was on his way with Kyra. They had supposedly left the set forty minutes ago, but there was no sign of them. I'd seen one of the producers in the hotel lobby, and she never left while anything was going on, so I knew everyone was done for the day. Jason and I hadn't had a serious talk in almost a week. I was petrified that would prompt him to tell me that, as much as he loved me, it was time to move on. And who would blame him? If anyone in his circle knew that we weren't sleeping together-
And then I realized, everyone in his circle knew that. His assistant, his stylist, his security guys, they all knew his schedule, and they knew mine too. They knew where I was spending the night. He probably had half a dozen other men wondering why he was in a long term relationship with a nun. All he'd have to do was mention that he was having doubts, and it was obvious what they'd tell him. They'd point out that this was the twenty-first century, and what I wanted wasn't normal. If he broke up with me, he'd have an instant support network of people who wouldn't blame him one bit. They'd think he was noble for hanging around as long as he did.
No, I thought. Stop. He had Monday off. We'd talk Monday. I'd turn this around, somehow.
My phone rang. “Hello?” I answered it.
“Hey, Chloe?” said Jen.
“Yeah, hi.”
“I am really sorry about this. We've got a family crisis on our hands.”
“What's wrong?”
“It's Kyra. I need you to bring her home as soon as possible. I've got a flight booked for Sunday.”
“Is everything all right?” A wave of guilt went through me. Kyra was my responsibility, and here I was worrying about myself.
“No.” Jen sounded flustered. “We just need her home aaand, she and Kyle just had a really bad conversation. I hate to impose, but I'm begging you, can you fly back with her and make sure she gets home?"
"You think she'd run?"
"I think she'd stall. Miss her flight and hold out for a while. Things are worse than ever. We can fly you back the next day. I know it might screw up your work schedule and all that.”
“Actually, it won't. I already had Monday off, because Jason does.”
“And we'd make you miss that. I am so sorry. Really I am.” She sounded more desperate than I'd ever heard her sound though, which was saying something.
I couldn't turn her down. “No, that's fine. I just, I'm really sorry about Kyra. I thought things were getting better.”
“This is not your fault in any way. Your idea to have her in New York was brilliant.”
“And she's all excited about a career in film.”
“I know. She's already starting on her essays to apply to UCLA, USC, and NYU. Aaand a whole bunch of fallbacks since she won't have the best GPA even if she aces her senior year. It's her new passion. We'll see if this one sticks. Or at least keeps her distracted for a few months.”
"And it sounded like she was getting tired of Nate."
Jen fell silent.
Oh no, I thought. I counted dates. Kyra might be over him now, but if she'd slipped up before we left New Mexico, she could be three months pregnant or more. Her comment about wanting to stay in New York and maybe not being able to took on a new context. Perhaps it had nothing to do with me and Jason. Perhaps these late nights “working” were him taking her to the doctor or something. “I am so sorry,” I said. “I'll mind my own business.”
Some sniffles let me know Jen was sobbing. "I'm really sorry-"
"I'll go book a ticket."
"No, no, I can. I'll email you. Just, yeah, I'll email you."
She hung up and my phone started to ring again. Jason.
“Hi,” I said.
“Where are you?”
“At the hotel-”
"Huh?"
"It's where you said you'd meet me tonight. Listen-"
“Oh... right. We're at the apartment.”
“Okay, I can come-”
“We'll come there. Stay put. We'll come there.”
“Smooth,” Kyra said in the background.
“Love you.” Jason hung up before I could reply.
***
Ten minutes later, a key slid into the lock and a grim faced Jason stepped in, followed by Kyra, who did look a little pinched and stressed. “I need to break a twenty,” she said, “so I can tip the doorman and get our laundry.” She saw me and caught herself.
“Why would the doorman have our laundry?” I asked.
She winced. “Oh, uh... I sent out our laundry. Hope you don't mind.”
Jason shook his head.
“You mean Jason sent out our laundry.”
“I just thought-” he began.
“Look, don't do that,” I said. “Don't do stuff like that. Please.”
“I'm sorry. I just thought it might free up some time for Monday.”
“Listen..." I looked at Kyra, whose expression was all innocence. "I won't be here Monday."
“Why?” He looked baffled.
Kyra rolled her eyes.
“What?” he snapped at her.
“You really shouldn't have sent out the laundry.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “You shouldn't have, but it's okay. The thing is-”
“All right, you know what?” he said. “I really, really don't want to fight with you right now. Just... I need a moment.” He went into the bedroom and shut the door.
Kyra stared up at the ceiling.
“Kyra, look-”
“Sec,” she said. She went over and banged on the bedroom door.
“What?” said Jason.
“Let me in.” The door opened and she disappeared inside. “This is stupid!” she yelled.
“You said that already.”
“I mean, come on, the laundry. You see how much she hates that?”
Huh? I was lost.
“You may not support me, but you can at least not try to undermine me!” Jason was angry. I'd never heard him yell like that before. “Is that too much to ask?”
“But you're messing it all up! Your relationship? Everything was fine until you got the wrong idea. I'm telling you-”
“This isn't a sudden thing, all right? Someday you'll grow up and understand that there are moments in life... you know what? I've had enough of you telling me what you think. You don't like it when people meddle in your love life.”
“This is different.”
“It is not. Okay, what's different is that maybe, just maybe, you're wrong!”
I went over and opened the door. The two of them were standing, shouting in each others faces. When I came in they looked over at me, then at the floor.
Then Kyra burst into tears. “I'm sorry,” she said.
Jason didn't look like he wanted to forgive her. He looked like he wanted to punch something. He sat down on the bed and shot her a baleful look.
“I am totally confused,” I said. “And I'm guessing this isn't about laundry.”
Kyra folded her arms and the tears kept flowing. “I'm sorry, okay.”
“Is this about whatever Jen called about?”
Jason flopped back on the bed.
But Kyra looked alarmed, and more than a little guilty.
“Kyra?” I asked. “Do you want to talk... about anything?”
“Um... what?” she said.
I glanced at Jason. “Attacking him isn't going to make whatever's wrong in your life go away. Your stepmom wants you home on Sunday, and she wants me to go with you."
“Oh...” She cried harder. “Right... No... No! I don't want to talk about that!” She kicked the side of Jason's bed, making him lift his feet to avoid her, then made a beeline out of the room.
I looked at Jason. “What's going on?”
“What did Jen tell you?”
“That it's personal.”
“Oh... we-ell... okay." He was dubious.
"I'm really sorry about Monday."
Sniffles behind me let me know Kyra had come back. I turned around and she just about knocked me over with a hug. Awkwardly, I hugged back. “You okay?” I said.
“Maybe you can stay here? I can go home by myself. Stay here."
Jason turned to look at her.
"You guys should have Monday together. I don't want to screw things up."
"Sure, now you don't," muttered Jason.
"All right, I can stay," I said.
But Jason shook his head. "Go with her."
"What?"
"Just... go with her." He gave Kyra a look of sheer disappointment and disgust.
I felt her wilt against me. She blinked and a couple of tears fell. "Yeah, what am I saying? Come with me. It'll be better this way."
"Jason."
He waved me away. "Just go, all right? Forget about Monday." His glare at Kyra had a little less venom this time. She still shrank from it, though, and left me to go curl up on the couch in the other room.
I didn't know whether to go comfort her, or try to talk to Jason. “Jas?”
He took one deep breath, then another. “Yeah?”
“Is everything okay?”
“Sure. Yeah.” He still wouldn't look at me.
I stepped inside, shut the door, went over to the bed, and sat down next to him. “You sure?” I said.
Rather than answer, he slipped an arm around me, but not for a hug. He lifted the back of my shirt and ran his fingers across my skin. When he encountered my scar, he stopped.
“Exit wound,” I said.
His fingers traced around it a couple of times, his expression unreadable, then he moved his hand around to my stomach, where his fingers located the other scar.
Gently, he folded my shirt to reveal it. He gazed down at it, his expression still unreadable.
I sat still, watching him. I felt like I'd just weathered an emotional earthquake, and all signs pointed to worse to come. I had no idea what to say to him.
“Jas?”
“Yeah?”
“Do you want to forget I ever asked what you'd change about our relationship? We can do that, you know.” For the second time with him, I wished I could put my life in rewind and take a different road.
Rather than answer me, he just stared at my scar. “You must think I'm ridiculous.”
“What?”
“What I do for a living? How do you stand it?”
“I said it was weird, not that I don't like it.”
“I put on fake blood and stand on duct taped markers and pull faces-”
“And do it very well. Really.”
“You're for real.”
“What do you mean?”
“You're a survivor and a hero-”
“There's nothing heroic about getting shot.”
“But overcoming it the way you did. All I do is pretend.”
I pressed his hand against my stomach. “That what's been eating you lately?”
“Partly.”
“Jason, I love you.”
“I don't feel equal to you.”
“You've got to be kidding. Please-”
“The mark I've left on the world, is playing a guy named 'sword' in an absurd, inaccurate-”
“I love those movies,” I confessed.
“No you don't.”
“I do, sorry. They aren't the only movies you've made that I love, but they are the most ridiculous. Somehow you make them work, I mean... you make me not care that they're inaccurate and formulaic and silly, and...”
Jason just stared at me. I wasn't saying this right, and right now, I had no room for error.
I shut my eyes and tried again. “Movies, good ones, with good leads, they give the audience something they need, okay? A release. An escape. Something that some of us are too broken to give ourselves. Maybe if I'd had a normal childhood, I'd be able to daydream and fantasize and all that on my own, but do you know how many of us can't? People need their dreams. There's a reason why society pays good money for them.”
He blinked a few times, absorbing that. When he looked at me again, his eyes were a little misty.
I put my hand over his. “Are things okay, with us?”
“Yeah.” He didn't look at me when he said it.
“Look, about my question-”
“It was a hard question, Chloe.”
“And-”
“Just give me a little more time.”
“Before you do anything drastic, talk to me?”
He lay back on the bed.
“Promise?”
“Can I just hold you? Please? No talking?”
I nodded. “Sure. Of course.” I stretched out next to him and he put his arms around me. It was as I rested my head on his chest that my tears started. I blinked them back so he wouldn't notice.