1 WEEK AFTER THE HYPNOSIS
I sat by the garden and looked around it. The birds were humming and the trees were singing. Everything in here was calm and cool. Genevieve was dancing with her nurse who was laughing her heart out. She's the friend I started to get close to when I began to talk to the other patients. It helped for me to get better. Having a friend in this place, at first thought, was hard. Considering everyone in here was the same as me. We're all sick. But Genevieve was different. She got to handle all her other personalities—she had five of them inside her. And so she understood very well what I was going through. Only, the difference was, her parents were still alive and still visiting her, checking on her. She didn't have any siblings so when I told her my story, she cringed upon hearing what my other personality did.
"Leigh!" Genevieve waved a hand to me.
I waved back at her and smiled. I started with my sketch and drew her as she danced with the birds. Sketching had been another form of my therapy on here. Every stroke of the pencil releases the tension I had inside. Seeing the final sketch on the paper gave me satisfaction and achievement.
"What's that?" I gasped and accidentally threw the pencil.
"What was what all about?" I retorted.
"Oops. Sorry." Thomas sat beside me and peeked through my sketch pad. I covered it with my hand. "No fair."
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"I brought you food. Dr. Jackson said you have a session with him later. Genevieve looks happy."
"She's always happy," I mentioned to him. My first impression on her was her smiling face. She liked smiling all the time and according to her, it's her therapy. Apparently, all her other personalities were frowners so her smile was her key for them not to get out.
"You know what, you'll look good with a smile on your face as well," Thomas said so low I almost didn't hear it.
"I'll try to. You can't rush things."
"Of course. Here's your sandwich." He handed me my food.
"How long have you been here, Thomas?"
He laughed a heartfelt laugh.
"What's so funny?"
"Well, you're question is like I'm a patient here."
"That's not funny if it's the way you interpreted it, isn't it?"
He cleared his throat. "Sorry. Well, I'm a psychology student actually, then I take nursing as my second course. I took my on-the-job training here with Dr. Jackson as my mentor and then when I graduated, they absorbed me. So, all in all, it's been like five years since I started working on here."
"That is quite a long time to be at some place like this." I turned to face him. "Doesn't it make you mad?"
"Mad is not the word I'd use. I actually like being here, helping people like you get better."
"What satisfaction do you get when you see people leaving because they got better? Doesn't it hurt you? After you take care of them, they just leave you and never hear a word from them again?"
He stared deep in my eyes. "It's that kind of attachment that's hard to deal. But I have to let them go and be happy for them. After all, they are only here to stay for the meantime and not forever. At least I get to be a part of their lives. That's what makes me happy."
I didn't say anything else.
"Why do you ask, by the way?"
"Because I'll miss you once I leave this place," I admitted. Even though he's nosy sometimes or I couldn't handle him as my nurse, I would still miss him. He made me feel at home at this place. I would never forget someone who made me feel just the same.
"That's nice of you to say."
I stood up. "I have to go. I'll see you around." I walked towards Genevieve who was now sitting and eating the food her nurse gave to her.
"Going inside now?" she asked.
"I have a session with Dr. Jackson. I'll see you at dinner?"
"Yes, you will and you will also see nurse Thomas." She winked at me.
"That's not it. He's my nurse and that's all there is."
"You sure?"
I wasn't able to answer her first. I didn't have anything in mind and I feared that maybe I was being an open book again.
"I have to go."
"Okay. I'll see you around."
As I walked back inside and my way to Dr. Jackson's office, I felt my heart pounding inside my chest. Genevieve's observation was a bit funny as I thought about it. Thomas was my nurse and... that's all, right? There was nothing else. But my heart was saying something. I didn't want to listen to it thought. It scared me to know that I may have had fallen to someone again. It would only mean I let my guard down once more. No, that couldn't happen. Falling for someone being vulnerable and being vulnerable means all those negative thoughts. I couldn't let any negative thoughts get into my head. For the last week after the hypnosis that Dr. Jackson did, I never hear from my other personalities again. If I let anything get into my head again, they might come back.
Dr. Jackson mentioned that it took hours for the old man to think all positive. His story was worse. I never thought I would create a monster. He said he killed to live, and thinking positive wouldn't give him the satisfaction of killing someone. He had to be the old, angry man so it would be easy and done with his job. With Chris, she took a while as well. She had an abusive story. She was way too scared to think positive as she said that nothing ever gets better when she's happy and optimistic. And lastly, with Grace, she was quiet for an hour. Dr. Jackson just let her stayed quiet for an hour. And then she spoke slowly and started narrating our story after our parents died. She said she never had the reason to be positive now that she didn't know where she'd get food in our table. It took her months before finally landing a stable job and friends she could call. But when she started mentioning my name, Dr. Jackson said, she smiled and said all those happy memories with me. I wondered how I got to create those three people in my head, narrate their own stories and me without knowing a single thing about it.
I knocked on Dr. Jackson's door before opening it. He was sitting on his chair and writing something when he saw me.
"You're early," he noted.
"I just want to get this done."
"Before anything else though, I got something for you." He handed me an envelope. I turned it to the other side and saw my name on it. With Grace's handwriting.
"How..."
"Officer Ryans found that in your room, under your pillow, the night you went missing. The first night. It'd been with me since then. But I didn't give it to you yet because I don't think you're ready to listen what she had to say," he explained.
"Did you read it?"
"Some parts of it. You can read it in your room now and come back after."
I got up and went for the door.
░ ▒ ░
Dear Leigh,
I wonder where you are. Where are you? Where did you go? I said that we are going to figure things out with the two of us, right? Why did you run away? Do you think it'll solve whatever you have in mind? But whatever you have in mind, I want you to come back to me and we'll fix everything. If we have to transfer to a new place and start over again, then that's what we're going to do.
I have things to tell you so I want you to come back. I have to admit, I made a mistake and I want to make it right by starting with you. I'm sorry. That's all I can say for now. If you get mad at me, I hope it won't take long so we can figure out where to go from there. I love you, Leigh and I don't want hurt you.
But in case, you get to read this and I'm not around, maybe I'm living somewhere else or I'm too ashamed to face you so I might lock myself in my room, I'm telling you one of the major things I feel sorry for doing.
I kissed Percy. I like him and I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have but after knowing his characters, I just couldn't get myself off of him. I want to get away from him as far as possible but everytime I saw him with you, my mind would say I have to do something to take him. You know how I am. I want everything you have. I wish I can control myself for that one but it's hard. If you want to know when did I kiss him, it's on the day of his birthday. We snuck outside and just talked. But then things got heated up and I pulled him to the wall and told him to kiss me. I even told him to kiss me because I looked just like you and you wouldn't feel any betrayed. It was like kissing you only with a different hair and eyes.
I'm sorry for stealing him and making him mine for only hours. It's just on that day and it never happened again. He was mad at me for doing that but he was also mad at himself for kissing me back. We are both sorry so I hope you get to forgive us.
Another thing I'm sorry for is the life I'm giving to you. This is not what I want for both of us but it's hard and you know it. Finding a job is not easy especially if you're just new to the place. But I'm still thankful I found one. At least we get to eat three times a day.
Another is for keeping you behind my shadow and not letting you explore the world. I know you are craving for it but you just can't go out like that. You are not safe outside, I tell you. There are so many judgmental people out there and even material things were hard to get. Now that I knew what was wrong with you, I can't just let you go. I can't fathom seeing you being bullied or doing something out of your own will.
Our parents death was really a depressing one. The doctor said that you've occurred a disorder called multiple personality disorder. It means having more than one person inside you. That's what I see in you for the last time you started became cold to me. You don't open up anymore and you've changed a lot of things. I hope I get to see my sister again.
This is it. Once you're done with this, just knock on my door and shout to me or ask me questions or just hug me. All were acceptable as long as it didn't involve any crimes.
I love you, Leigh and I want to make things right between us. The change starts within us.
Let me make it a brand new life for us.
Grace.
My tears were never ending. I was wiping them away but they kept on coming down. If I went home and tucked myself in my bed, I would've find this letter and things would've been different. I wouldn't even be here in the first place if I didn't let my anger win over my heart. I threw the paper away. I wiped away everything on the table, I turned the table down. I scattered everything on my bed. I destroyed everything I could destroy in my room. I could no longer take back everything I did. I was a monster for killing my own sister.
"Leigh, stop it." I felt Thomas arms on my waist. "Stop it. Calm down." I breathed, still sobbing. "Calm down."
"Grace, she... she was going to apologize to me. She was going to start a new life with me. If I didn't kill her, she would've made her sorry to my face. Let me go! I want to die!"
His grip on me tightened. Another nurse came in in my room then followed by Dr. Jackson. Some of the other patients were watching but I never cared any of them. What I cared about now was killing myself so I could say my sorry to Grace to the other side.
"You don't want to die, Leigh. You don't." I felt them inject me with medicine. My eyes became heavier by the second. My body was giving up to me. Everything was starting to become a blur and then there were none.
░ ▒ ░
"Hi, Leigh," Genevieve said when my eyes opened. "How are you?"
I sat up, resting my back on the headboard. "What happened?"
"Uh, you started destroying everything in your room so now, you're in this..." she gestured her hand in the air, "this room?"
"This is an ugly room."
She chuckled. "I know. But you'll return to your room once it's cleaned up. What happened to you? You started screaming you want to die. You can't just die, Leigh. Having this kind of disorder, it's hard. But getting the chance to live, you shouldn't waste that."
"I killed my sister. What part of it didn't you understand? I think it's okay for me to die. No one would even cry for me. Not even her wherever she is on the other side."
"You always use your sister as your excuse to die. Do you really want to die? On your own reasons, I mean. Because if your only reason was because you killed your sister, then that's not enough. You take hers so you can live, you didn't take hers to die as well, right? So I'm asking you again, what's your own reason?"
"I don't have anyone with me anymore." I wiped a stray tear. "There's no one who would stay by my side and endure the kind of person I am right now. There's no one. There's no one. That's enough reason for me to take my life away. I don't deserve this."
"But I'm your friend now. I will stay by your side. I know the hard work of this disorder and I understand you very well. You don't have to be afraid of people going away."
"It's not easy, Gen. People who go away, they don't come back. Once they turn their backs on you, that's that. It's goodbye forever."
She shook her head, her smile still on her face. "No. They won't come back if you don't let them come back."
"I want to be alone."
"And then what? You want to kill yourself still?" She shoved a blade in my direction. "Here. Kill yourself. Let's see what kind of satisfaction you'll get. Say hello to your sister for me." She stood up and walked out of the room.
I stared at the blade in my hand. This was it. I was given the tool to kill myself. I should do it now when no one was watching. But then when I looked around and saw this huge mirror in the far right, I knew this wasn't a good idea. They were watching me. I was in an observatory room.
I threw the blade in the direction of the mirror and glared at it. I took the needle in my hand and walked over to it. I punched it. It didn't get any crack but my hand was bleeding.
"You're watching me? You're watching me kill myself? You think I'm that stupid? Think again. If I kill myself, I'll make sure no one of you will see it. You'll see only my bloody cold body." I spun around and got out of the room.
As I walked to my original room, I could see in my peripheral vision that everyone was watching me. I couldn't care less. The second I got in here, I knew I would be on watch. None of them had killed a relative of theirs. Some may have had killed someone but it's not related to them. I heard someone said they couldn't bear killing someone their own blood. Well, I didn't care.
Thomas just got out of my room when I got there and he was surprised to see me.
"Oh my god your hand is bleeding."
"It's nothing." I walked past him.
"Nothing? Give me." When I didn't reach my hand to him, he took it carefully. He dabbed it with wet clothe before covering it with gauze. "Why did you leave the observatory room?"
"They were watching me."
"That's what observatory room is all about."
"That's what it's all about? Watching me kill myself?"
"What?"
"You heard me. Genevieve was there when I woke up. I told her I want to die and she gave me a blade. Then I saw this mirror. That's a two-way mirror, Thomas. I know they're on the other side, watching me slowly kill myself. But I didn't give them the satisfaction of it. I told them I'd kill myself and they won't see it. They'd only see my body, cold and bloody," I exclaimed, tears streaming down my face.
He winced. "I'm sorry." Then he pulled me in a hug. "That's not exactly what their there for. But I'm really sorry."
"I'll never live a normal life. After knowing what my sister would do after I go home? I could never get this guilt out of me. I'd always be sorry for myself I should just die."
"No." He cupped my cheeks. "Leigh,you're strong. You're a strong girl. I see that every day. You fight to live.You want to live. You don't want to die. Now I want you to know that I'll always be here, okay?" I nodded. He hugged me back and I hid in the safety of his arms.