It's an hour into the three hour train journey and Charlie still hasn't heard from Finn and he's starting to panic.
He doesn't know why Finn isn't returning his calls but he knows it can't be anything good. He doesn't know what it is, but he knows he hates it. The not knowing and the knowing are beginning to drive him a little bit crazy.
Charlie holds his phone in a vice like grip, ready to answer the phone as soon as it vibrates. There have already been several false alarms, Matt asking if he wanted to meet up for pizza sometime soon, Eliza wondering when Charlie was getting back so they could have a study session at the library together, his phone company sending through his bill for the month.
But still no word from Finn and Charlie's panic is increasing with every second that passes.
What if something has happened to Finn? What if there's been an accident or an incident and Finn is lying in a hospital bed – or even worse alone somewhere – unable to answer Charlie's calls.
Deep down Charlie knows that that's not the case.
Finn rejected his call, which means that Finn just doesn't want to talk to him. And the whens and the whys are driving Charlie up the wall. Because things were going so well, today was going to be the day when everything fell into place and now Charlie's waiting for Finn to call and wondering why it's taking so long.
Things between them were going so well, the goodbye on Friday night, the chance of a future that Charlie's actions this morning promised them. And now Finn doesn't want to talk and Charlie can't help but think that is probably all somehow his fault.
He just needs to hear Finn's voice, then he's sure everything will be okay.
He's probably just overreacting after all. He'll get back and go round to Finn's and nothing will have changed. They're going to have a future together, one where they can kiss and not have to worry about who else is around, One with study sessions and pizza dates and Finn's stupidly bright smile. Charlie knows he doesn't really deserve a future like that but he's going to make the most of the time he's allowed it.
His phone begins to vibrate in his hand and Charlie's breath is stuck in his throat as he glances at the screen.
"Finn?" Charlie manages to say as he picks up the phone.
He's not sure why he sounds so weak and so desperate but Charlie knows he does. And right now he almost feels like he's on the verge of tears and he realises how tired he is, how much fighting with his Father took out of him. Right now he just wants to tell Finn and celebrate their promise of a future with him.
"Hey," Finn sounds weary, and there's a tone to his voice that Charlie can't quite place.
But it only makes the panic in Charlie heighten and he's sat on the edge of his seat, hand gripping onto his phone as if it's a life raft and Charlie's out at sea.
"I need to talk to you so bad, I – ."
"When were you going to tell me?" Finn's voice is sharp.
Charlie can sense his anger over the phone and suddenly this great day feels like it's being turned on its head.
"When was I going to tell you what?"
"That you weren't really gay. That all of this was just some sort of elaborate joke to you."
Charlie is falling, and not in the good way. His heart is beating fast and his pulse is racing and he can't breathe. Finn should not know, Finn can't know. Suddenly every idea Charlie had about a future they might share together is shattered like glass and he's cutting himself on all of the shards as he tries to search for an explanation.
"What?" Charlie chokes out.
He knows exactly what. He knows what Finn's referring to, and he doesn't know how Finn knows but he knows that he does. But Charlie needs a moment to get his thoughts together because at the moment they're all going in a thousand different directions at a million miles a minute and he can feel his grip on reality slip just a little bit.
The train carriage around him is beginning to blur and his breaths are getting shallower and the train seems to be speeding up even though they're pulling into a station and he can't breathe.
"Some kid called Jonah came looking for you today," Finn spits out the words like poison in his mouth, "apparently had some business he needed to settle with you, apparently he was a friend of one of your friends from high school or something. So he went round to your dorm and was told if you weren't in you were probably at mine and this kid is knocking at my door with his boyfriend in tow and I tell him you're away for the weekend but I'm your boyfriend and so can I take a message? And the two of them just fucking laugh." Finn pauses to take a ragged breath, and even over the phone Charlie can feel how much he's hurting. "What the fuck Charlie?"
This isn't how any of this was supposed to go. Charlie isn't entirely sure how he planned on telling Finn, but it definitely involved a lot of explaining in minute detail and probably crying and he guesses that he always knew that this was going to be reason Finn left but he never expected it to be this soon. And now the whole conversation is going to have to happen over the phone and Charlie going to have to imagine the betrayal on Finn's face and Finn won't be able to see how sorry Charlie is.
He's not going to believe he's sorry. Hell, Charlie probably wouldn't believe it if he heard it from someone else.
"So this other kid, his boyfriend, Daniel, steps forward and tells me the two of you were great friends back at school for a little while. And I'm here thinking, great, I've always wanted to meet the people who made Charlie the sweet person he is today. And I'm happy, but slightly confused because the two of them are both looking at me like they feel sorry for me and I have no idea why cause I have the best boyfriend in the world."
"Finn I-."
"No Charlie. Shut the fuck up. You don't get to talk anymore, you don't get to lie to me anymore. I believed it you know, everything you said, and I guess I'm just a fucking idiot then. I'm sure you know what Daniel told me don't you?"
Charlie says silent. He knows if he speaks it's going to be nothing more than wracking sobs.
Everything is falling apart in front of him.
"You don't?" Finn feigns surprise. "Let me fucking tell you then."
Finn sounds so angry and Charlie can't think of what to say. He wants to talk, explain everything to Finn right from the beginning of his relationship with Daniel but Finn doesn't seem like he's interested in listening.
"He tells me that you messaged him on facebook out of the blue and that he couldn't believe his luck, because it was Charlie Martin and you were following in your brother's footsteps up the popularity ladder. And he says the two of you started hanging out and became friends and you were totally fine with him being gay."
Finn pauses to take a ragged breath and even over the phone Charlie can feel his anger and his disappointment and beneath it, a small hope that this is all some nightmare he's going to wake up from tomorrow morning.
"And even at this point Charlie, I'm still thinking about how nice you, are how much I fucking lo-like you and I'm waiting for you to get back and I'm so damn happy. Then Daniel tells me that you admitted you thought you might be gay and I'm proud of you Charlie, fucking proud of you. And they can obviously see the smile on my face cause the two of them are both shooting me worried glances and sharing looks and I'm wondering what on earth could possibly be wrong. Do you know what's fucking wrong Charlie?"
"Finn - "
"What are you on about Charlie, I'm perfectly fucking fine."
"Finn, please, just listen to me," Charlie begs.
"No Charlie, I'm fucking sick of listening to you. So do you want to know what's wrong? It's learning that your boyfriend, the person you'd planned a future with, your boyfriend that was the first person you'd let yourself love since your fucking parents died. It was learning that that person wasn't who you thought he was. That he was someone that could flirt and kiss a boy before telling him that it was all just a game to him, something to fill his time."
"Finn it wasn't like that."
But Finn isn't listening to him and is carrying on speaking as if Charlie never said a word.
And Charlie can feel himself growing dizzy and the train carriage is falling out of focus and all he can hear is Finn's words and all he can think about is wondering how today went from the day the two of them had a chance at a future to the day the two of them fell apart. Charlie thought that things could be different this time, because he was older and stronger, strong enough to stand up to his Dad at least, he thought this time he'd done everything right. But you can't run away from your past, no matter how hard you might try, and this is what Charlie deserves, to have the boy he loves ripped away from him by the boy whose heart he broke in the most horrible of ways.
Charlie feels like he should have expected it to end like this really.
"And you know what, even when he told me all of this. That everything between the two of you had been nothing more than a joke to you I didn't really care. Like I'm not saying I wasn't kinda disgusted by it, but my brain was there telling me that in the end none of this was that important. Because I thought it was probably to do with your Dad that you'd had to break things off, and I figured that you weren't going to do anything like that to me because we'd been over this and you were going to tell your Dad to fuck off and we'd talked about a future. So I figured I was nothing like Daniel and I had nothing to worry about."
"Finn," Charlie breathes, because maybe this means he has a chance still.
"But then," Finn continues, "then, Daniel decided to mention the fact that you'd filmed the whole fucking thing, posted it everywhere, ruined his life. And my brain just couldn't compute the two ideas, the Charlie I know and the Charlie who could do such a thing. And now all I can think is if I even know you? Or if the boy I think I know, the boy I need, is nothing more than a lie? Do I even know the real you?"
"Of course you do."
"Of course? I'm not sure it's an of course anymore."
"Finn-."
"No Charlie, you know how hard it was for me after I came out, dealing with your Dad and people like him. And I thought you understood how much it hurt for people to judge me like that, but someone that understood wouldn't become one of them."
"Finn."
Charlie seems unable to say anything else, Finn's name is all he's got left to hold onto.
"The Charlie I know would never hurt anyone, never break someone's heart. He'd never fucking film the whole thing, or tell someone they were worthless or embarrass them in front of the whole school. But you did all that. So maybe the Charlie I know isn't the Charlie you are. How could you even do something like that?"
"I was – ."
"Young and stupid apparently, Daniel told me that was your excuse when you offered some half-assed apology."
"That's not what - ."
Charlie wants to tell Finn all about his Father and the threats and how this seemed like the safest option for the two of them. Unlike Daniel, Finn might actually understand. But Finn carries on talking over him, clearly not all that interested in hearing what Charlie has to say.
"That's such a terrible excuse. And you know what, it's a cowards excuse Charlie, because you're weak, -" Charlie wishes he was stronger, wishes he'd stood up to his Dad sooner. "- and spineless and not the boy I fell in love with."
And Charlie has known that this has been coming, the rejection, the heartbreak but he never imagined it'd feel like this.
Of course he imagined pain; bones break when you hurt them so why wouldn't an organ.
But this unimaginable hurt. It starts as a dull ache, before Finn's words sink in, and then the pain is ripping through his entire body, not just his shattering heart. It's like the fire that Finn sent through him has stopped being pleasant and started to burn, it's like poison is running through his veins. It's like Finn giving up on him is causing every cell in his body to do the same.
His brain is shifting to self destruct.
Every breath is a chore, his lungs feel like they're on fire and his throat feels raw and he can't remember ever feeling like he was in this much pain before.
Finn carries on, unaware of Charlie's personal torture.
"I don't feel like I know you anymore Charlie. Because when people say your name my instinct is to think of you as the boy I love. And I can't stop thinking of that kiss back when you were fifteen and I still can't compute that this was ever a joke. And maybe it's not, maybe it never was, but you still lied to me, were you ever going to tell me?"
"Yes," Charlie gasps.
"Really? Or were you always going to find a reason to put it off. Because you've lied to me, this entire time. I always knew you had the capability to break my heart Charlie, I was almost waiting for you to do it, but I never thought it would be like this."
Finn's heart is breaking? Then what does he think is happening to Charlie? How can he do this?
How can he sound so calm if he's falling apart?
People on the train are starting to give Charlie strange looks and he can feel hot tears on his cheeks now. But he doesn't care, not anymore, because nothing really matters when his heart is breaking and Finn has lost faith.
Finn was all Charlie needed, all Charlie wanted, everything Charlie didn't deserve.
Charlie still gave everything up for him though.
And now he's lost it all.
His childhood, his family, Finn. None of them are his anymore. And now Charlie's just left with a lot of happy memories that are starting to taint and shards of a once beating heart.
Charlie can't be a real boy anymore. Real boys can't survive without a heart. He must be a contraption of bones and muscle and poisoned blood, designed to destroy everything he loves. Designed to find a way to ruin everything with simple words.
"Finn, please, don't do this."
"You honestly think things can work out between us now?" Finn asks. "After everything I've just found out."
"I love you," Charlie pleads, and he knows he sounds desperate but he doesn't care, Finn can't give up on him, he's already lost enough, "I need you."
"I needed you," Finn replies, sounding chillingly calm, "and you let me down."
"Finn, please, no, I can be better."
"You can try."
"Finn. No."
The line falls silent.
Suddenly Charlie can feel every forming bruise as if the hits have just registered and he finally begins to notice the metallic taste in his mouth from a split lip. And the dull ache that he felt before has begun to amplify and Charlie can feel exactly how much damage his father managed to do, is surprised that he managed to walk out of the house let alone all the way here.
He wanted to get back to Finn. That's how he did it.
And now everything has gone wrong and everything seems to be spiralling out of control. And the pain that his body is in is nothing compared to the feeling whenever he thinks about the fact that Finn doesn't want to be a part of his life anymore.
Everything was falling into place and now it's falling apart.
Their ending almost seemed inevitable. Charlie knew that Finn would have to find out about Daniel eventually but he had hoped that it would be different to this. Charlie at least wanted to be the one to tell him, wanted an opportunity to attempt to explain himself. Not to offer excuses, but to show that he was sorry, that he was weak and at a loss for what else to do.
Now he's not going to get that chance.
He's lost Finn and he's lost his heart and right now it feels like he might be losing his mind as well.
And panic rises up in him and his hands are shaking and his vision is becoming blurred as he stares down at the train table top and he wonders if this is the end, hopes that this might be the end.
Charlie wasn't lying when he said he needed Finn, without Finn he's not sure who he is, he's nothing more than a lost boy.
And he knows that sounds desperate and needy and clingy but it's true. Finn unlocked a part of Charlie that he didn't even know existed. Finn showed him how to be comfortable within himself, taught him how to laugh and love and live. Finn opened Charlie's eyes and challenged everything he believed in. He made Charlie someone new.
And now Finn's gone and Charlie doesn't know how to be that person anymore, but he can't go back to who he used to be either.
He's stuck in this in between, lost somewhere between who he used to be and who he wants to be. And Charlie knows he can – needs to – reinvent himself, become the person he wants to be all on his own. But it's difficult to imagine being that person without Finn around, Finn was the reason Charlie was trying to becoming a new, better person and now he needs to find something new that's worth changing for.
Charlie thinks that he himself is probably worth changing for. That maybe this is an opportunity for self discovery and self love.
Or maybe it's just a reminder that he's never going to outrun his past no matter what he's done. That the mistakes past Charlie committed are going to haunt him forever.
Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. There seems to be an awful lot of maybes in Charlie's life and nowhere near enough definitelys. Charlie hates it, hates second guessing and being unable to make decisions because of the maybes. He'd just like to know, it'd make making decisions a hell of a lot easier.
But nothing is ever quite how Charlie wants it to be, and there's no point in him worrying about the maybes right now, not when his brain can barely compute what's just happened and his pulse is racing.
Charlie needs to move, he doesn't know why but he knows he needs it like he needs oxygen in his lungs. And so he stumbles along the aisle of the carriage, slowly moving his way along the train. And he can feel his lungs begging for air and his knees begging to give in but he carries on moving.
It's almost subconsciously that Charlie finds himself hunched over the train toilet, dry heaving up the food he hasn't eaten today. He was too nervous to eat, and then too eager to get back.
And there are tears in his eyes and a pounding in his chest and everything around him is falling apart.
Knocking on the toilet door wakes Charlie out of his heartbroken stupor slightly.
"Are you okay in there?"
"Fine," Charlie manages to croak.
"You sure? You didn't look good."
"Just ate some dodgy food that's all."
A brief moment of silence and Charlie presumes the person on the other side of the door has taken the hint and left.
Then:
"Whoever they are, I promise you they're not worth it."
But Finn is worth it, undeniably so. He's worth every punch and kick and hit that Charlie has taken. He's worth this breathlessness and this hurt and this heartache. He's worth everything that Charlie could attempt to offer him.
Finn deserves more than a broken, lost boy. He deserves stars and planets, his own solar system, fuck, his own universe. Not this disfigured constellation they've pityingly bestowed a name upon.
And Charlie realises now that he had hoped that Finn could maybe fix him, and maybe Finn had thought the same thing too. They had thought that he could reawaken Charlie's heart, stitch up every emotional scar and repair what Peter Martin had undeniably broken. And he did, just a little bit, for a while Charlie felt a little more human.
But he can feel it unravelling now, all those changes. And he thinks he might be even more broken when they started and he should have known this would happen. But he tempted himself with the illusion of something better and brighter, something he might actually be allowed to deserve. He should have known it was too good to be true, and that all good things leave you broken.
"You still there?"
He doesn't know where they've expected him to go, they're stood outside the only exit but they appear to be concerned none the less.
"Yeah." A pause. "You don't have to stay there, I'm fine."
"I, uhm, overheard your conversation before, I know what being broken up with sounds like. I also, uh, know what it feels like, so I wanted to make sure you were okay, you kinda looked upset."
Charlie can only imagine what he looked like, something out of a horror movie probably, but he can't find it within himself to care.
"Well thanks, but seriously, I don't need your help."
"I never said you did, I just didn't want to go home and regret not checking you were okay, I'd feel horrible."
This is what a nice person sounds like, Charlie decides. And, Charlie knows, he is a horrible person. Maybe this is how the devil feels when he talks to the angels.
"Thank you."
He presses the button which allows the door to open and offers a half-hearted smile to the stranger standing in front of him.
A hand is offered, expecting to be shaked.
"Liam," the stranger says, "nice to meet you."
"Charlie."
"Seriously. He's not worth it, not if he doesn't feel bad about making you feel like this."
"And if I've done something horrible?"
"Then you're clearly sorry about it, else you wouldn't be crying about it or throwing up on the train."
"You don't know that."
"I can guess."
"Well thanks."
"No problem." A beat of silence. "You look like you need a coffee. I'm buying."
"Y-you don't have to do that."
"I know. That's what makes me so nice."
"Did you just quote Wicked!?" Charlie asks.
"Did you just recognise a Wicked! quote?" Liam counters.
"Touche."
"There's nothing wrong with musical theatre Charlie, unless it's Phantom of the Opera, in which case I can write you a five thousand word essay on what's wrong with musical theatre."
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