"Hi, this is Sophie Clément. I'm currently really busy swanning around Paris Fashion Week and trying to avoid being seen at the same fashion event as vacuous celebrities whose surname begins with 'kar' and ends with 'dashian.' If you leave me a message I shall get back to you once I am done being completely fabulous. Wait, no... I'm always completely fabulous so you'll most likely die before I ever return your call. I'll call you back when Fashion Week is over. Thanks!"
"Let us just be clear, if you wait until the end of Fashion Week to call me back there will be severe consequences. Like, that hideous green and yellow vase you have sitting on your coffee table net to that monstrosity you call a couch... yeah, I will smash it into smithereens if you wait a week before calling me back. I bet you're wondering how I know about that hipster vase if I haven't moved into your place yet.
"Well, see, here's the thing- Jasmine summoned me to your house and began to lecture me about what items of yours I could box up and place into storage. I wasn't allowed to touch the remainder of your clothes that are in the spare bedroom, and I certainly wasn't allowed to touch that vase, although I firmly believe that the world would be a greater place without its presence in my life.
"Anyway, Jasmine gave me a long list- and I mean it ran onto several pages!- of what items of yours I could replace with mine. Needless to say, my belongings are confined to the bathroom, where I now have a brand new toothbrush placed next to your brand new toothbrush.
"My main question, then, is this- how come I'm only allowed to have a toothbrush at your house?
"Also, why the hell would you want to move to Paris?
"Nola says 'hello.' Call me before next week, Soph. I miss you like crazy. I love you."