sat on the sofa in front of the window in the family room that I used to do my homework in.
The snow was falling around the Thorp landscape, making it feel like I was in a movie. There were only a couple houses on Freddie's street so there was basically nothing but woods around us. Each tree was slowly being blanketed in white. I used to like all of the powdered covered forests but now, those tall trees turned into the giant skyscrapers of Chicago in my mind.
I missed Justin. I missed the city. I missed everyone.
I was happy to be home, that was for sure, but I could only take Thorp for so long. This place was boring the hell out of me. Angie and Ben had gone on a trip with their families to California and Freddie suddenly had a rush of work over the holidays, so I basically only saw him on Christmas. Only Jimmy had been around, and I was avoiding him like the plague.
He was calling almost twice a day and even knocked on the door a couple of days ago. After that first initial meeting to tell him that whatever we had was ending, I stopped talking to him completely. He was one of those guys who could get kind of obsessive. I just never noticed it before. He was starting to give up, though, and I told him if we couldn't just be friends, then I was going to have to cut him off completely.
So, without my friends and my father and my Justin, I was sitting here on the couch. Thankfully, I had books, lots of books that I received for Christmas. They were entertaining me as well as the new laptop that I was beginning to fall in love with.
That being said, I was still bored. I was sitting here in this house like an old spinster. It was a wonder that I hadn't befriended a cat by now and claimed him as my child.
Yesterday was New Years, and it was my first one with an actual boyfriend that I loved. Where was my kiss? Hell, where was my iChat message? Justin hadn't called me all day. I was okay with that because I knew he was probably busy trying to conquer surfing again, but I would have hoped that he at least left me some kind of sign that he was thinking about me.
I called him on several occasions and his icon was illuminated on the computer, so I knew it was powered up. He just didn't answer. That slightly worried me, but I didn't let my strange feelings get into my head.
I sighed again as I looked out of the window at the falling snow and squinted into the distance at the car across the street. A small smile crept onto my face when I saw Benny sitting there bobbing his head to some music.
"Always watching out," I said to myself. I took a long gulp of the hot chocolate I was drinking, and then put it on the windowsill.
I quickly got up from my seat, letting my blanket fall to the floor and went into the kitchen. I pulled out a couple packets of hot chocolate and decided to make it the old fashioned way. I put a pot of water on the old stove and poured five packets of chocolate powder into five separate thermoses that we had in the cabinet. I had to stand on the counter to get the milk chocolate chips from the top shelf so that I could put a few in each cup as well.
When the water was boiling, I poured the appropriate amount into the thermoses, melting the powder and chips at the same time. I stirred them until they were all dissolved.
I smiled at the thought of Rebecca doing the same thing for me every Christmas break. Freddie even had his own version that consisted of scalding hot water and too much chocolate. God bless him.
I added some cream to the steaming concoctions and did a final stir before putting the five cups into a lunchbox. I stuffed my feet in some boots and threw on a jacket. I was almost out of the door before I remembered how Freddie took his hot chocolate and wondered if the bodyguards would like theirs the same way. I guessed yes.
I went out into the blistering cold and was thankful that there wasn't a blizzard as I stomped through the snow covered lawn. It wasn't that deep, so I made it easily over the car. Benny rolled down the window with a smile, and I noticed three other men stuffed in there with him.
"Hello, Miss Fell. Are you having a nice holiday?" Benny asked.
"Yes, thank you. I was wondering if you guys were cold." I unzipped the lunchbox and handed him the warm thermoses. He passed them around the car.
"Thank you," he replied enthusiastically.
I watched as the big men in the car opened the tops and sniffed at them. They kept their smiles up, but I could see the apprehension in their eyes.
I took out the small bottle of bourbon from my jacket and handed it to Benny. "Not too much. You're on the job," I laughed.
"Thank you," he sighed happily and poured a liberal amount into his cup before passing it on.
"It's freezing out here. You guys are crazy." I bundled up.
"We would be crazier to disobey orders." He sipped his hot chocolate.
"Well, have a good rest of the day. The sun's supposed to be out soon." I looked up to the dark, gray clouds.
"I don't think I've seen the sun since I've been in this town. What's up with that?" he asked.
"Welcome to Thorp." I held up my hands and walked backwards and waved. He closed the window tightly, and then went back to bobbing his head.
I shut and locked the door, waiting for the day to truly begin.
I checked my laptop; still no call from Justin. I sat on the couch, turned on the TV for background music and dove into reading a copy of Dante's Inferno. I know, pretty morbid stuff for the holidays, but I couldn't help it. Plus, it was a first edition. It was so rare that I didn't even want to think about how much Justin paid for it.
I must have been reading for hours because by the time I looked up, it was darker outside. I looked around like I was in some alternate universe. My stomach wasn't growling, and I didn't feel sleepy. The sun in the sky was just kind of high, but I looked at the clock and saw that it already read five.
"Wow, that was interesting." I closed my book and stretched.
Freddie would be home in about an hour, so I decided to get up and make him something to eat. We still had leftovers from Christmas, but I knew he was getting tired of it. I started pulling things out to make Grandma Fell's famous beef stroganoff.
I had the pasta boiling, the onions and vegetables sautéing and got the beef diced up.
There was a knock on the door and I looked around again, trying to figure out who was coming over so late in the afternoon.
"Who is it?" I called and stood on my toes to see through the peep hole.
"Justin," a deep voice replied.
I could see his face, magnified from the mirror in the door and my mouth hit the floor. A massive smile appeared on my face when I opened the door.
Justin was standing there with his hands in his pockets and his head bowed. There was snow in his hair, and I almost died from how gorgeous he looked.
I shamelessly threw myself at him and wrapped my arms around his neck, almost knocking us both off of the porch.
"What are you doing here?" I buried my face in his neck and took a deep breath. It was pathetic, but I couldn't bring myself to care.
"I needed to see you." His strong arms wrapped around my waist tightly, almost to the point where I couldn't breathe. Something about his voice sounded cracked and dry.
"You're here," I said lamely, like it wasn't obvious.
"Yeah," he sighed. I felt his lips on the side of my head.
He set me back down, and I backed away with an enormous smile on my face that faded when I realized what situation we were truly in.
"Wait, did anyone see you? Why are you here?" I looked around nervously.
"I had to come." He ducked his head and kicked a plank on the porch.
"Well, I'm glad you did, but you really shouldn't have. You know we're going to get in a shit load of trouble." I pulled him inside quickly and did another survey outside. It was dead, but I did notice an impressive, black Lamborghini in the spot where Freddie normally parked his cruiser.
Only Justin.
I shut and locked the door before standing in front of Justin in the hallway.
"I missed you," I exhaled, "and I know that sounds clingy or whatever, but..."
He painfully smiled. "I missed you, too, Maddie. It's not clingy."
"Look at you, getting all emotional on me." I went up to him for a kiss.
Our lips touched, and I felt like I could breathe for the first time in a long time.
His hands went to my hips and mine went into his hair, pulling him closer. Our tongues didn't wait to be asked as they thrashed against each other, the evidence of our separation just pushing us that much further.
I was forced against the wall and felt his hand gravitate towards my thigh before he lifted it around his waist. The sounds of our kisses were fantastic, and the taste of him after two weeks was incredible. I didn't bother not moaning or breathing harshly, because I couldn't help it.
Justin's lips took my neck with a harshness that I hadn't felt in God knows how long, and I felt that familiar tingle in between my legs as he pushed himself up against my body and pressed into me.
"Justin..." I panted.
I couldn't say more because his lips were on mine again, devouring me with a pent up energy that I had been dying for. There was a feral vigor to his kiss, and I soaked up everything I could.
The sound of a crashing frame brought me out of my lustful bubble.
"Justin, we have to slow down," I gasped and pushed him back, letting my leg drop to the floor.
"Oh..." He ran a shaky hand through his hair. "I didn't even realize..."
I picked up the picture off of the floor that had shattered when it fell from the wall. It was a photograph of me when I was toothless and in pigtails. I thought it was appropriate that it be set aside while Justin was here.
"What are you doing here?" I asked again and took his hand, leading him into the kitchen. "You need to leave in about fifteen minutes, by the way."
"I just needed to come." He sighed and his cheeks puffed out when he let his air go. "This is... nice." He looked around the house.
"It's modest," I corrected him. "Freddie's a modest man."
"Yeah." He kept his head down.
That was when I noticed how tired he looked. His skin was sun kissed with a slight tan that I had never seen on him before. It was hot. He was dressed casually-for him-in dress pants and a regular button up. He took off his heavy pea coat and set it on the back of a chair.
"Are you hungry?" I asked and dumped the pasta into the pan, mixing it with the sauce that had been bubbling.
"Not really." He shrugged.
He sat at the table and let out more deep breaths. I knew this kind of Justin.
There was something on his mind that he didn't want to tell me. I was slightly scared of what he had to say. Justin Bieber never made a trip without a purpose, especially not all the way across the country from a beachside vacation in the Bahamas. I didn't care how much he missed me.
"Freddie will be home soon," I said as I finished making the meal, turning off the stove.
"Really? I thought I could miss him."
"How long do you plan on staying?"
"Not long." He looked at me and sadly smiled.
"Are you sure you're not hungry or thirsty? Nothing?" I took his hand again, this time pulling him into the family room.
"No, I'm fine." His eyes darted throughout the room. "I see you've been reading."
"Yeah, Dante's Inferno is deep stuff." I sat down on the sofa. "I should be scared that you're here, but I'm just too excited."
He nodded. "I know I didn't call yesterday. I was... dealing with some stuff."
"Is everything alright?" I asked hesitantly.
"Yeah, it's fine. I just wanted to see you."
"You're a terrible liar all of a sudden," I laughed.
"Why would you assume something's wrong?" Justin licked his lips.
"Come on, you didn't pack up and take a plane all the way here for nothing. Tell me what's going on. Is it all okay?"
"Not really," Justin said, more like a question, and his forehead scrunched in thought.
"What is it?" My voice was starting to crack.
"Uh..."
There was a loud pounding at the door that jolted me back to reality. My heart started beating really quickly, and I almost fell off of the couch.
I took a quick peak outside and exhaled in relief when I didn't see Freddie's car. Instead, I saw Jimmy's.
"Don't move." I pointed at Justin. "I mean it."
"Who is it?" He stood up.
"No one. Just sit there until I come back." I pushed him back down.
He grumbled but nodded and crossed his arms.
I went to the door and opened it cautiously to reveal Jimmy's bright face.
"Hey, Maddie." He smiled.
"What are you doing here?" I leaned against the door jamb, so he didn't think it was okay for him to come inside.
"I just thought it would be fun if you came out ice skating tonight. Everyone's going."
"Everyone?" I asked.
"Yeah, well, not Ben and Angie obviously, but a lot of kids from high school." He pointed behind him. "Whose Lambo is that? It's hot."
"No ones, and I can't go," I answered.
"Why not? You haven't been out of the house since you got here." He pouted playfully. "Come on, get your coat."
"No, Jimmy," I said more firmly. "I'm dealing with some things and I don't want to go tonight."
He sighed in a frustrated way. "I just don't get you, Maddie."
"Why? I'm the same me."
"No, you're not. You've changed so much since you left. We used to have so much fun."
"And I told you why we couldn't do that anymore. I have a boyfriend." I shrugged. "Sorry. I tried to be just friends, but you didn't like that very much."
"I was being friendly," he said innocently.
"We watched a movie last week, and you had your hand on my leg the whole time. No matter how much I pushed you away, you kept trying." I tried to shut the door.
He stopped me. "Okay, listen. I'm sorry. I just didn't think things were going to change this much. You said you were going to call and email, but I got nothing for our months."
"A phone and computer work both ways, Jimmy. I'm over explaining things to you. Goodbye."
"You turned into such a bitch," he said loudly. "I can't stand you anymore and everyone was saying that you were going to change, but I always defended you. I was convinced that the big city wasn't going to screw up my best friend."
"Jimmy, go home." I didn't even bother care to speak with him anymore.
He darkly laughed. "Such a bitch, just like everyone said."
"What did you just say?" I heard Justin's voice come from behind me. His tone was so furious, I started to shake.
I stepped outside and shut the door, suddenly over the whole "you're a bitch thing". Jimmy's safety was in danger.
"You need to leave." I started pushing him off of the porch.
"I'm not going anywhere. I want you to come out tonight," he pleaded.
"Go home, Jimmy. Now. I'm serious," I stressed, and I heard the door open behind me. "Get in your car and go."
"Who the fuck is that?" Jimmy asked.
I was now focusing my efforts on Justin because I didn't need a fight in my front yard.
"Go back inside," I told Justin.
"What the hell did you just say?" Justin bypassed me and stood on the stairs, two above Jimmy.
"I don't know who you are, but you better get out of my face."
"Did you just call her a bitch?" he snarled.
"So what if I did? Who are you?"
"It doesn't matter who I am, but you need to think very about what you say next. I won't put up with you speaking to her that way."
"Maddie, who the fuck is this?" Jimmy asked again.
"Just go home." I stood in between them. "Please, Freddie's going to be here soon and I don't want him to arrest you both if something happens."
"Come out with us." Jimmy started pulling me off of the porch, but I was snatched back so quickly that I almost slipped on the ice.
Justin had Jimmy by the collar of his jacket and had a massive gun pointed right under his chin.
"Justin, stop it." I tried to pull him off. "Don't do anything stupid."
Jimmy was shivering, and I was pretty damn sure it wasn't from the cold.
"You need to leave right now." Justin's eyes were so fierce and deadly, I was seriously scared for everyone's safety. I looked across the street, but Benny's car wasn't there anymore.
"Dude, what the hell?" Jimmy tried to back away, but Justin had a firm hold on him.
"If I ever see you put your hands on her again, I will kill you. If you so much as breathe within two feet of her, I will kill you. If you even think of looking at her, I will kill you. If you see her on the same side of the street, I want you to cross it so that you won't be tempted to speak. Do I make myself clear?" Justin demanded.
Jimmy nodded solemnly, and Justin pushed him away.
"I don't want to see you again." he put his gun back in his belt and stomped back up the stairs.
"What the hell?" Jimmy stumbled backwards. "Is that the kind of trash you're dating?"
"Jimmy, just go home and I'm sorry about all of this." I tried to smooth things over.
"I was right. You have turned into a real bitch." He wiped his lip that had split, and his shaking hands pulled out his keys. He dropped them a couple of times.
I went back inside, not wanting to see him pathetically try to gain his bearings.
Had I really changed that much? Had I become the bitch that everyone claimed I was?
I stayed in the hall and calmed my breathing. I didn't hear his car starting, but I wasn't really paying attention.
I ran a hand through my hair and sighed heavily before going back into the family room.
"Justin?" I looked around. He wasn't there.
There was a cold breeze that flowed around me, and I saw that the window on the other side of the room was opened.
"Shit," I hissed when I saw Justin pumping Jimmy with his fists outside.
I ran and yanked the door opened but couldn't speak as I saw the splattering of blood over the pristine white snow on the yard.
I didn't really know what to do as I watched Justin manhandle my former best friend like he was a ragdoll. They were rolling around on the ground, but it was nothing like the last fight I had seen Justin in. This was purely his win. I just gaped at the blood that was pouring from Jimmy's face.
"Justin, get off of him." I rushed towards them and grabbed a hold of Justin's shirt.
He came up easier than I thought, and I backed him up. "What is wrong with you?" I was tempted to slap some sense into him.
"I warned him." Justin breathed heavily, his face red from the cold and adrenalin. "I fucking warned him."
"You're insane, man." Jimmy was nursing his busted up face that looked like a piece of meat. "What the hell kind of shit do you hang out with, Maddie?"
"I'm sorry, Jimmy." I was holding Justin back, but if he wanted to get away from me, he could.
"Don't apologize to him," Justin growled. "He deserves to be dead."
"Justin, stop it."
"I'm calling the police." Jimmy whimpered.
"Go ahead. I've never been afraid of the cops. Besides, do you really think Freddie would arrest me?" Justin got out of my hold and kicked Jimmy in the ribs. I heard a crack, and my body flinched from thinking about it.
This time, Jimmy decided to get ballsy and grabbed Justin's leg, pulling him to the ground to lay a fist into his jaw.
"Stop it." I tried to break them up, but they were rolling away from me in the snow. I was surprised that no one had come outside yet.
"Justin, go inside." I yanked him up and pushed him hard. "Stop it," I said again and held his face in my hands. "Listen to me; don't do anything crazy. Go back inside."
The heat from Justin's harsh breaths blew fog into my face, and he calmed down after a couple of seconds. His skin had minimal scars, and it looked like he might have had a small fall from a bike. He nodded and then fixed his shirt, going back up the porch steps. I heard the door slam. I was so caught up in everything that I could barely think straight.
I got on the ground, the snow melting into my jeans. Jimmy was trying to get up but wasn't doing a very good job. His face was bloodied to the point that I couldn't even look at him. He was swollen, beaten, bruised, cut up, and bleeding profusely.
"I'm so sorry." I touched his shoulder, and he flinched dramatically.
"I'm fine." His voice quivered. "I'm going home." He stood up painfully, and I followed him to his car.
I didn't really know what to say, so I just stood there and watched as he clumsily drove off down the street.
I shuffled my feet through the sludgy snow and stomped onto the porch.
Justin was standing in the hallway, leaning against the wall with a hard look on his face.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" I didn't bother hiding my anger.
Justin shrugged. "He called you a bitch."
"So you attacked him? You can't do that, Justin."
"Yes, I can. I won't allow him talking to you that way."
"You won't allow him?" I repeated his words. "This is why you should have never come. I knew something like this was going to happen."
"I'm not sorry," he replied nonchalantly.
"Do you even feel bad?" I threw my hands up.
"Do I ever?"
"No, you don't," I sighed and knew that there was no changing him.
"He can't talk to you that way."
"Let me see your hands," I said, "and thank you for defending me. That was sweet in a twisted way."
Justin gave them to me. They were bloody and raw, but nothing too serious.
"You shouldn't have come if you were going to beat everyone up. This is a small town, Justin. This is going to be news before dinner."
"I don't care."
"But I do. This is my home. I've known these people since I was little. You can't go pounding my friends."
"He wasn't your friend."
"Maybe not, but you can't beat up everyone who calls me a bitch."
"That's why I'm here." His lip twitched.
"Come into the kitchen." I went to get the salt and plugged up the sink, just as I had done with Jaxon a couple months back.
He stuck his hands under the hot water and winced from the temperature, but didn't say anything. There wasn't a stray string from his clothes, and his hair was only slightly more wild than normal.
I dumped the salt in and started to run my fingers lightly over Justin's knuckles. I didn't say anything as I massaged his hands with mine, and I felt his breath close to the skin of my face.
"Thank you," he muttered.
"I'm glad you came, but you shouldn't have. We're going to be in a lot of trouble."
"I don't care. I had to see you."
"I'm going to back in Chicago in four days. You couldn't wait that long?"
"No," he sighed, "I have something to tell you."
"I figured." I continued to rub the saltwater over his hands. "Did someone die?" I questioned, not really wanting to hear the answer.
"No."
I nodded. "Is it bad?"
"Yes."
"Okay, tell me." I didn't look at him.
Justin stayed silent for a long time, barely breathing. It must have been a full minute before he said something again.
"I did something bad." His voice was low and stressed.
My heart beat sped up, just imagining what he could be talking about. There were only a couple of things that I could come up with, but I didn't want to believe them.
"You have to promise me that you'll let me talk before you fly off the handle," he begged.
"Just tell me, Justin." My small fingers wrapped around his under the cloudy water.
"I kissed someone." He spoke firmly, but it still managed to be so quiet that I almost didn't hear it.
My hands shook and my breathing came harsher. "Kissed... someone?"
"Yes. A woman... while I was in the Bahamas."
"Oh, was she nice?" I asked stupidly, not wanting to hear the story.
"No, she wasn't nice. I... I know this isn't an excuse, but I was hopped up on pain pills and had a couple of shots. She was just there, in the bar, and I walked away."
"Really?" I took my hands out of the water and dried them off.
"Yes, you have to believe me. I walked away... at first and I went back to the house, but I guess she followed me. I was trying to ignore her, and then she... just kissed me."
I always knew in the back of my mind that there was the chance that this would happen. How long did I think he could pretend with me?
"What happened after that?" I turned to him, still seemingly unaffected because I didn't know the whole story. Underneath the surface, though, I was fuming.
"I let her kiss me." Justin hung his head. "I let her take it that far and I... liked it. My mind was so messed up, and I got confused."
"That's a weak excuse, Justin," I snarled, throwing the dishtowel at him. "How far did it go?"
"There was... some heavy touching." He raised his eyes to meet mine; they held a deep level of sadness that I had never seen before.
"Heavy touching? Did she have nice boobs?"
He didn't reply.
"Did you enjoy her hands on you?"
Once again, he stayed silent.
"Get out of my house." I walked away from him, out of the kitchen and wanted to make my way to my room.
He followed me. "Maddie, I'm sorry. You have to understand that she meant nothing."
"If she didn't mean anything then you wouldn't have done anything with her."
"Look, I'm being the man here and I'm telling you what I did. I'm trying to not let secrets eat us up and I think I deserve..."
"I don't give a shit." I spun around. "I trusted you; I've always trusted you, and I'm actually surprised that this hasn't happened before. Or has it?"
"No, this is the first time and I didn't know what was happening." He scrambled for an excuse.
"I don't even know what to say," I replied truthfully. "I should be mad as hell. I am mad as hell, but on some level, I knew that this would happen. I knew you would do something like this. How could you not? Nothing in your past gave me the slightest inkling that you would stay faithful."
"It was just a kiss, and I was drugged." he muttered as I started up the stairs.
"Just a kiss? Is that what you just said?"
"Comparatively, it could have been worse."
"You're unbelievable. You shove a gun down someone's throat if they even look at me wrong and you expect me to be forgiving after you hooked up with some beach bunny?"
"I never meant for this to happen. It was just a kiss."
"What if I just had a kiss with Jimmy or... James or someone?"
"I won't let you." His eyes bore into mine.
"You won't let me?" I shouted. "Unbelievable."
"I know I messed up. I just need you to tell me what to do," he sighed.
"You don't even know what to say, do you?" I was slightly shocked. "You've never cared about anyone like you have me. I can see it and with anyone else, you could just do whatever you want and get away with it. I'm not one of your whores. You remember when you told me that? You can't do what you want with me. I trusted you." My blood was boiling. I was so mad that I wanted to start a revolution or something insane like that. I couldn't even see straight.
"But you have to admit that I've been trying. This is all new to me..."
I cut him off, "That's bullshit. You're an adult. You know the difference between right and wrong. You lasted a grand total five months."
"I came here to tell you. I could have kept this to myself for the rest of my life and never said one word."
"Then why did you?" I felt the tears sting my eyes, but I wasn't going to let them fall in front of him.
"Why did I what?"
"Why did you tell me?"
He looked at me, stunned for second. "I... I don't know."
"You're still the same old Justin."
"Look, Maddie, I had some medication in my system. It wasn't entirely my fault."
"So...you're not going to take blame for anything."
"Well, yes, but I wasn't in my right mind."
I nodded, "I know and that's what makes me feel weary, because you're always drinking or smoking something. When is your mind ever right? You're an adult. You should have known not to mix drinks and fucking medication. That was your fault."
"I know you're upset but I stopped things when I realized what I was doing."
"I trusted you Justin and I love you. I still do and I realize that you made a mistake, but I just need some time to think so could you please leave?" I closed my eyes to stop the tears.
"We need to talk about this." Justin stopped me from going up the stairs.
"I don't want to talk to you." I ripped my hand from his.
"Why? Every time I want to talk, you just shut down. We need to scream this out or nothing is going to get solved. I said I'm sorry. What more do you want?" he shouted.
"Leave me alone. Get out of my house!"
"I'm trying to be the better person here. Please just sit and listen to what I have to say."
"I have and I don't want you hear anymore. You're an arrogant, conceited, egotistical man whore and I don't want to ever see you again."
Justin was about to say something else, but a baritone throat cleared itself in the doorway. Justin and I both turned to see Freddie standing there with a confused look.
"Maddie." He greeted normally but was looking at Justin. "Who's your friend?"
"No one. He was just leaving." I crossed my arms.
"No, I wasn't." Justin argued and my eyes bugged out when he walked up to Freddie. "Chief Fell, it's nice to meet you. I'm Justin Mallette, Maddie's boyfriend." The name thing was a lie, but I wasn't even thinking correctly to notice that the Police Chief was meeting the Mafia Prince.
"He's not my boyfriend," I snapped.
Freddie looked between us and then shook Justin's hand. "It's nice to meet the man I've heard nothing about."
"He's a jackass." I was starting to get very annoyed and my immature, eighteen year-old self just wanted to cry my eyes out. I didn't want to leave those two alone though. Who knew what would happen?
"Son, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Freddie spoke to Justin. "It's obvious that my daughter doesn't want you here and I'm sorry, but she comes first."
Freddie's lips meshed into a hard line, but he nodded. He turned back to me and was going to say something.
"I don't want to hear it, Justin," I interrupted him.
"Are we breaking up?"
As much as I wanted to say "no", I couldn't. But I couldn't bring myself to say "yes", either. My whole mind was a grumbled mess, and I couldn't even think straight. Instead of answering him, I flew up the stairs and didn't look back.
From my window, five minutes later, I saw Justin get into his black sports car and speed off down the snow covered roads.
That night, I shed my first tears over a boy since my freshman year in high school. Unlike that time, when the next morning came, I wasn't better, and I wasn't over it.
Justin had cheated on me.
I know that to some people I might seem overly dramatic and make mountains out of molehills, but I felt cheated on. I felt betrayed and lied to. He had taken what faith I had in him and crushed it underneath his fine, Italian loafers. Now what was I supposed to do? Forgive him?
The thing that made me so mad was that I had already forgiven him. The minute he told me, my body just automatically started making excuses and justifications for his actions like I always did. This time, he was in the wrong and even though it was just a kiss with another woman, it was still a crack in what we had. The kiss was forgivable, the reasoning behind it wasn't. Maybe that doesn't make any sense, but in my mind I was trying to work things out. I wasn't going to just roll over this time and cuddle Justin because he made a mistake.
All throughout that night and the next morning, I was crying over a love that I knew would never last. Even from the start of this, I figured that Justin would be the one to flake first. He wasn't made for this. Could I blame him for trying?
Hell yes, I could.
I wasn't that girl who just got into a relationship because the guy looked nice. I was an all-in type of girl. I wore my heart on my sleeve and this hurt. Justin hurt me; that was all there was to it. I hated that it affected me so horribly. I loved him; I still did, even with all his mistakes and screw ups. If I got past all of those, could I just let him slip by again?
I wanted to, I really did, but I was literally sick to my stomach. How could he do this to me? I thought he loved me.
Justin said something about alcohol and pain pills, but that wasn't an excuse. He had to stop making excuses. He did this; not his drinking. And if I forgave him now, what would happen if he did the same thing again? He was a creature of habit, and it was only a matter of time before he did something like this. We'd lasted a total of five months.
I didn't know what was going to happen, and I think I was still too pissed to think of the future. I just needed to breathe and take things slow in my head. This wasn't some high school crush. I was in love with Justin, deeply in love. That was probably why this hurt so badly. I didn't think I was going to break up with him. I loved him too much to do that, but I certainly needed some space and lots of it.
Thankfully, Freddie left me alone all night. That was the good thing about my father; he never pried. I didn't think I could explain things to him right now.
When I couldn't think anymore, I decided that it was time to get up. The clock on my nightstand read noon.
My mouth was dry, my throat was aching from crying, my eyes were throbbing, and my pulse was slow and loud in my ears.
I sat up and looked around my room. How could it be that just twenty-four hours ago, I was happily thinking about being reunited with Justin and now, all I could think about was getting as far away from him as possible? I was tempted to even stay here next semester. Who needs Chicago?
I stood in the bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was a mess and there were deep bags under my eyes that made me look ten years older.
After I brushed my teeth and threw some water over my pale face, I decided that it was time to make myself known to the world.
I took several deep breathes in the hallway and was hit in the nose by what smelled like perfume. I actually had to cough a couple of times.
I started downstairs and when I reached the bottom step, my mouth hung open. It seemed like it was always hanging open these days.
The whole house-the kitchen, the hallways, the family room-every free space was filled with purple flowers in vases. They were massive bushels of small shaped plants and there must have been hundreds.
Freddie was running around the family room, grumbling to himself, but then noticed me. "Oh, good. You're up. Now you can explain to me why there's been a delivery man at door every half hour since four, bringing you flowers."
"These are all for me?" I asked lamely and stepped into the room.
"Yes, Maddie. My house is filled with plants. I can't even walk." Freddie tripped over a vase and then kicked it. The lines of his face were more defined and it was turning an off shade of red.
"Did Justin send these?" I almost shouted.
He thought he could buy me off with flowers like he always did?
"I don't know. There's no name, but there are all these damn cards." He threw some pieces of paper in the air. "They're all in Italian. I can't stand this. I can't even breathe correctly."
"Tell the deliveryman to stop sending them." I went to the first vase I saw and pulled out the card. Just like Freddie said, the line of scripture was in Italian, so I couldn't understand it.
"I can't. He was paid to keep sending them for the next twenty four hours, every half hour. There's no more room."
I looked around and didn't know what to grab first.
The doorbell rang, and I stopped in my tracks.
"There goes another one." Freddie pulled out the shotgun he stashed in the closet and cocked it with one hand. "This is getting ridiculous."
I chased after him towards the door, and he ripped it open.
"What?" He growled at the scared looking deliveryman.
"Look, dude. I told you the first time that I can't just not deliver them. It's my job."
"I don't want any more. Leave them outside."
"No, I was told to bring them inside."
"I'll have you arrested." Freddie spoke with an authoritative tone and showed off the impressive gun he was wielding.
"Call my manger, but until he tells me to stop, you'll be getting flowers." He handed the next batch to Freddie who took them with a snarl and slammed the door.
I raced outside so that I could catch the deliveryman. "Excuse me." I covered myself up. "Can you just send these flowers somewhere else? They're all for me."
"And where do you think they should go?" The man shivered from the cold.
"Uh... the retirement home down the street. Take them over there. I think my dad might shoot up this whole town if he gets another bushel."
"I think I can do that since they are for you." He rolled his eyes. "Peace."
"Wait." I stopped him. "What kind of flowers are they?"
"Hyacinth." He answered. "Someone must have fucked up."
"Why do you say that?"
"Purple hyacinth means 'I'm sorry'."
"Oh, well, thank you."
"No problem."
I ran back inside where Freddie was still grumbling.
"Maddie, I think we need to have a talk. Who is this boy?"
"A friend." I went into the kitchen where more flowers were sitting, and I actually had to step over a couple vases on the floor.
"A friend? I'm not stupid Maddie. He said he was your boyfriend."
"He was lying. I don't have a boyfriend."
"Well whoever this guy is, he must be very sorry because all of this is a little much, don't you think?"
"No, I don't think." I spun around. "He hurt me!"
"Whoa." Freddie held his hands up. "Calm down. What did he do?"
I took a deep breath to calm myself before I spoke again. "It doesn't matter."
"This is very awkward for me. I don't really know what to say, but I don't like this guy."
"You don't know him."
"I don't have to know him. How old is he?"
"Twenty-one," I lied.
Freddie's forehead wrinkled as his eyebrows shot up. "I don't like that. You can't see him," he said finally.
"Wasn't planning on seeing him for a while." I pulled some orange juice from the fridge.
"Well... good." He began to walk out of the kitchen. "Oh, this came with the first batch of flowers." He handed me a small envelope. "If I get more plants, I'm burning them."
"Please do," I shouted as he turned on the TV in the other room.
I held the note in my hands, knowing it was from Justin, but not wanting to read it.
All that was going through my head were his words from yesterday.
"I let her kiss me. I let her take it that far and I... liked it. My mind was so messed up and I got confused."
Images of tight, beach blondes flew through my head as they groped at Justin's body, and he groped back. It made me sick to think of him with someone else. How was I supposed to just forgive and forget that?
With shaking hands, I opened the letter and read it over three times.
Dear Maddie,
Like you wanted, I shall leave you alone. I've gone back to Chicago, and I understand why you're so upset.
I've never treated you with the respect you deserve. I don't expect you to forgive me because frankly, I wouldn't forgive myself. I truly am sorry and you know I don't say that lightly. I did kiss that woman on the beach. I don't remember her name and she doesn't mean anything to me. I touched her breasts, and I let her touch me. I can't hide that.
Yesterday you asked me why I told you, and I realized that it was because I love you enough to tell you. I know that doesn't make any sense and even as I'm writing this, I have no idea how to apologize to you. I tried to warn you all those months ago. I'm not a good man for you, Maddie. I'm usually not this soft when it comes to things of this emotional nature, but I'm trying to be a responsible man about everything.
I won't tell anyone about this. You can choose to tell whomever, but they won't hear about our separation from me. I hope that you can forgive me, and I don't know what it will take for you to understand that I'm trying to change. I never wanted it to be this hard on you. Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe we need this. The problem is: I can't let you go. But I'll be here if you want to talk; when you're ready to talk.
I won't bother you. All your stuff will be put back in your dorm and ready for the start of the next semester. Because of who you've been with these past couple of months, the bodyguards won't go away, but they are just there to protect you.
Goodbye, Maddie.
I messed up so don't feel like you have to take the burden for any of this.
Love,
Justin
After the third reading, my eyes were so filled with tears that I couldn't see anymore.