How unbecoming to be placing your happiness in the hands of another. Giving yourself over to them, to hold, to cherish. The plasticity of human emotions, blinking hints no longer; now rolling over you like waves, any ray of sadness inclined by multitudes. We give our flesh to the ones we love, hoping they do not crush it between their fingers. All buckled knees and wavering hearts. Love is nothing but an experience, a mass of life lessons. I urge you – don't be fooled into believing it will be forever.
His life had been nothing but a number, a malicious reminder of what was to come. Pity written onto the faces of many who saw the number above his head wind down. Yoongi calculated that he would be exactly 23 years when he perished. He only had 4 months left.
And that's how Yoongi found himself surrounded by sweaty bodies and a deep bass rattling through the club, the flame in his throat rising as he downed his seventh shot of vodka in the last hour. His mind was hazy and his vision was clouded as he swayed to the music. He liked it here.
He liked not having eyes follow his every move, observing the numbers as they ticked down. He liked not having to worry about his death that seemed to be just around the corner. He liked the lack of emotional connection that people had while they danced, not caring about the countdown that hovered above each other's heads. They just wanted a good night.
And who was Yoongi to deny them of that?
So, just like every other night for the last 3 weeks, Yoongi left the club with a person in tow, taking them back to his flat. His neighbour often complained about the shrill whimpers and the bang of the headboard against the thin wall.
Yoongi had drowned himself in his own sorrow, letting the overwhelming reality of his departure pull him into the darkness of depression. His only remedy being the burn of alcohol against his throat and the smell of sex in the air. 4 months until he died, but only a week until his life turned around.
The counter of the bar across the road from his apartment had become home to him. Scotch had been his choice for the night, peanuts the only solid he had eaten that day. It had become habit for him, now. An obsession. The only way to forget.
"I can't believe it."
Yoongi rubbed his eyes and groaned before turning around and eyeing the man in the tattered suit, "Please, wish me my condolences now. Get it over with."
It wasn't like what the romance novels tell you. There was no fluttering heart and his legs did not cave beneath him. It could be the scotch swirling through his veins but, Yoongi felt nothing at all as he looked over him.
But then his eyes drifted to the numbers that ticked above his head. Such a small number. He would pass so soon. It seemed so oddly familiar. "4 months."
The man smiled and sat beside Yoongi, "Seems as if Death believes in love."
How could he utter that word? How could he say thatword without hesitation? "Well then, Death and I have a few things to chat about."
"Looks like you will soon enough," He laughed, his eyes bright and face flushed in a rosy tint that looked so charming on him.
"Looks like we both will in 4 months."
And it took that sentence for Yoongi to realise just how vital this man might be on his life. As much as he didn't believe in happy endings and the word beginning with 'L', he couldn't deny the fact that their death count was just seconds apart. "I'm Min Yoongi."
He didn't know what came over him, but as he started to notice the way his eyes sparkled and his easy smile, he felt himself being drawn to the man in a way he had never felt before. "I'm Hoseok."
"Do you ever get weird looks as you walk down the street? Like they feel sorry for you?"
Yoongi groaned, "All the time. They avoid me, too. Like death is contagious."
Hoseok took a sip from his coffee and tapped against the glass window, pointing out at the busy mass of people crossing the road. Quietly, "You think that they pity you because they feel bad about you dying so early in your life, or they pity the people that are left over? The people that have to deal with the mess of it all? The family and friends that carry the weight of your death?"
He thought this over, weighing his options. "I don't think that they care. They give you their best wishes and then your name and face has vanished from their mind. We're nobodies, just because our counter is closer than others doesn't make us special."
"I think you're wrong." The ends of his mouth tilted in a frown, "They will pity you for weeks to come, wondering if you had finally passed over. They will pray. They will not forget the young that die early. Humans aren't designed that way."
Yoongi hated the crease between Hoseok's brow, so he kissed it away. He enjoyed the widened eyes and the shaky hand that raised the cup to his lip. "If that's what you think, I'm not going to deny you of your opinion."
"But you don't believe it."
He shook his head.
Hoseok bit his lip and rested his chin against the palm of his hand, staring out the window. "The world isn't as brooding as you think, Min Yoongi. Once you realise that, death won't matter as much anymore."
You might be right, he thought. But when you let down your barrier, your heart will be broken. Everything will change.
But who said that was a bad thing?
"Yoongi, have you ever taken a risk?"
He puffed out his chest and muttered, "Yeah, of course."
Hoseok laughed. "Then you don't mind this at all?"
"No. I do this stuff all the time," He lied as if he hadn't laid in bed the whole week, tears staining his cheeks.
One hand was on the steering wheel and the other interconnected with his. Yoongi liked watching him drive, wind ruffling his hair, bits standing up at odd ends. "Can you tell me where we're going now?"
He shook his head and grinned at him through the rear view mirror, "You have to wait and see."
Before long, they emerged from the narrow woodland path and Yoongi gasped as he saw what was in front of him. A lagoon with clear water, flower bushes growing from the bank. Small fish of all different colours swam beneath it and the view was utterly breathtaking. "How did you find this?"
"Google."
Yoongi rolled his eyes and slammed the car door shut behind him, sighing as he breathed in the light air. Birds sung around him and he had never felt so free in his life. He had no idea just how much stress the overbearing number that loomed over him and the thick air had on him.
Hoseok wrapped his arms around Yoongi's waist and breathed in his scent, "You like it?"
"Yes," He breathed out. "I love it."
He giggled against his back and walked up to the bank, pulling his shirt over his head. "Wait, what are you doing?"
Hoseok's head whipped around to eye him, smirking. "Going in. Live a little, Yoongi. You know that we aren't going to be here forever."
And Yoongi didn't know whether it was the sight of his half naked body or the fact that Hoseok was right, but he tore off his clothes and dived into the lagoon with him.
He came back to the surface and saw his wet hair sticking to the sides of his flushed cheeks, feeling the overwhelming urge to just kiss him. So, that's what he did. He grabbed him by his hips and smashed Hoseok against the dirt embankment, smoothing the hair from his face "God, you make me crazy."
He bit his lip, "Feelings mutual."
And that's all he needed to know because he slammed his lips against his and relished in the taste of Hoseok against him.
Like before, it wasn't like what romance novelists tell you. We didn't mould together like a piece of a puzzle. It wasn't a perfect kiss that resulted in fireworks. Love isn't what they tell you. But the kiss was still fucking great, anyway.
"You know your forehead is really nice."
He cocked his head, "That's an odd compliment."
Hoseok looked up from his position next to him, head laid across Yoongi's chest. "I like you in hats."
"You're so weird," Yoongi sighed.
"Your eyebrows, too."
"Stop."
"Eyes are pretty, as well. Like a coffee stain."
"That's not a compliment."
"Coffee is nice."
Yoongi bent his head to stop Hoseok's next compliment from falling from his lips. "Enough."
Hoseok pouted, "I'm just being a good boyfriend. You should know that you're pretty great."
Yoongi smiled.
They had been dating for 3 months now, leaving them both with the weight of just 1 month across their shoulders. But, if Yoongi was being honest, these months with his boyfriend by his side, have been the best moments of his life. They have made countless endeavours, using their small amount of time together to the fullest.
At first, Hoseok had dragged Yoongi to the car, telling him that 'you only live once', but now, he was the one searching for new activities to try. The two had just realised that they had tried just about everything now.
So now most of their days consisted of stargazing and sex. They have tried just about everything for the latter. Yoongi discovered a new kink – overstimulation, how had he been without it for so long – and Hoseok had realised that he wasn't as submissive as he had one thought – again, Yoongi was more than alright with this fact.
They lived in harmony, trying to forget about the sliver of time the two had left. Hoseok had told him just last week that he was in love with him, Yoongi told him there was no such thing. Hoseok tried to conceal the sadness of unrequited love, but every time he looked at Yoongi, he couldn't help but think he was the most beautiful man he had ever seen.
Yet every time Yoongi looked at Hoseok, he couldn't help but confirm his former thoughts.
"Yoongs?"
The empty home echoed his sad tone and he cringed at the neediness laced in it. Hoseok placed the groceries onto the kitchen counter and paced through the living room, trying to forget about the myths that he had been taught as a kid.
They told him that your counter can change if you play your life out wrong. Could it be true?
It couldn't be, right? And if it was, he would have known by now. The cashier would have cast him a sorrowful look, their neighbour would have had his hand in front of her mouth as she gossiped to the young mother down the road. He would have known by now.
And just as he was about to make for the door in search of his boyfriend, a crash sounded as Yoongi stumbled through the front door and onto his knees in the hallway. "Yoongi!"
Hoseok ran to him, lifting him into a seated position against the wall. The smell of whiskey was all too familiar, overwhelming his senses. "What are you doing out this late? Why were you back at that bar?"
Yoongi smirked and his voice stuttered as he spoke, "I'm sorry, I forgot that you owned me. Was the bar out of bounds on your dating rule book?"
He huffed, "Stop being an asshole. You smell of weed and alcohol, what is wrong with you?"
"What is wrong with me?" He got up and folded himself over Hoseok, his stance all too dominating, leaving Hoseok cowering against the wall. "You seem to know a lot. Don't you have a list on your phone or something? You seem like the type."
"Stop."
Yoongi pushed past him and grabbed for the glass and bottle of rum in the cupboard, "'Yoongi, we need to live a little.' 'Yoongi, what's the point of living if we don't try new things?' You want to know the answer, huh? There is no point of living. We all die, anyway. What is the point?"
"You know the point," Hoseok hissed. "To experience love and loss and the rush of adrenaline and lust. Tofeel."
"You're wrong!" He slammed the bottle over the marble counter, glass flying through the air. His breath was heavy as he held the jagged top, staring down at the mess on the floor. "There is no point to living. We are not here for a reason. We are just here. What God is there that would make us suffer so immensely?"
Hoseok was silent.
Yoongi rested his forehead against the bitter cold of the counter, "I can't do this anymore
"So you're going to leave me?"
He nodded, "Yes."
"Okay."
So Yoongi walked through the hallway, gathered his clothes into a small backpack and dropped the keys onto the counter. "You can stay here. I won't need it."
And then he was gone.
The timer above Yoongi's head read 23 minutes and 12 seconds.
23 minutes until he died.
23 minutes until Hoseok died, too.
And he hadn't spoken to him since their fight.
What was he to do now? Was he supposed to say goodbye to him? Should he call Hoseok, tell him that he will see him soon enough, like Hoseok had said they always would? Would he want to see Yoongi at all?
It didn't matter. He had broken his heart, so if that meant wasting his last moments saying goodbye to him, so be it. He had nowhere to go anyway.
So, Yoongi took his time getting changed into the warmest outfit he could find in the chilling Winter night and put Hoseok's favourite white cap on. He ignored the snow that blanketed the streets and walked to the florist on the corner of his street, the man with the bright smile wore a sombre expression today. "I'm sorry, the carnations have all died suddenly."
Yoongi brought the lilies instead.
He played his favourite album aloud in the car, tapping his finger against the wheel to the beat. A buzz sounded from his left.
Hoseok: I miss you.
He typed out a message, Yoongi: Me too.
Vibration. Hoseok: Seems as if Death doesn't really believe in love after all.
He smiled. Yoongi: Well then, I think the two of us have a few things to talk about.
Hoseok: Looks like we'll know soon enough, right?
And then Yoongi chuckled.
Yoongi: Looks like it.
00:00:03
But he took his eyes off of the road for too long, not looking up soon enough. Because a car was swerving toward him. He didn't know that until he looked up just in time to see it collide with the driver's side of his car. Yoongi's car folded in on itself, crushing Yoongi against the steering wheel. Hoseok head had been struck on impact, killing him almost instantly.
00:00:00
How beautiful it is to be placing your happiness in the hands of another. Giving yourself over to them, to hold, to cherish. The plasticity of human emotions, blinking hints no longer; now rolling over you like waves, any ray of happiness inclined by multitudes. We give our flesh to the ones we love, trusting they would not crush it beneath their fingers. All buckled knees and wavering hearts. Love is nothing but an experience, a mass of life lessons. I urge you – love will not be forever, but isn't it fucking great while it lasts?