Noel
She was there again in my dreams today, in the memories of the past. Her smile, her laugh filled my mind. Her face was the epitome of beauty for me. There she was again as my eyelids closed. No matter how hard I try, she was always going to be there. Every morning I woke up with her memories. She was always there with me, ruling my mind and soul. Every morning my eyes fluttered open it was her I saw. My bedroom became the shrine of our love that I wasn't ready to let go. Stills of her had covered the walls in my room. I have kept all of her memories alive. I have not given her up and never will. Day by day, I have added moments of her life in mine. Her life of past three years has marred the walls of our room. It hurt every moment to see her happy, laughing, smiling and content with her new life, a life without me and because of me. I was no more the man beside her or one on the receiving end of her love. It had all gone. Vanished in the puff of air. Every day has been a breathing reminder of the past, a past I couldn't let go.
Taking the glass of whisky from the table, I let it touch my lips. The amber liquid burned me and made me alive. It dulled the pain I had felt for last few years. Now it has become my companion, my friend and the only thing I saw as my well-wisher. As I drank and drank it brought me close to her, I saw her felt her. Her smell, her smile, the creaminess of her skin and everything else.
"Mr. Harding, your father is here to see you," Karen informed me through the phone. My thoughts were brought back to reality. My mental blocks went up in an instant. My emotional state was not an affair that I wanted to let the world now. Being the head of a company more than the worth of billion dollars didn't let me hold emotions anymore. Letting someone in your emotions, let see through them is a way of showing off who you are, telling them of what you feel. Emotions were used as weapons against one another when you have many rivals. The competition among the firms existed is cutthroat. One wants to eat another no one can be trusted and especially those who don't trust you.
"Show him in," I told her through the intercom. Picking the glass of whiskey I gulped the last of the drop inside of me. I made my green eyes devoid of emotions, letting them turn cold. An icy cold, that won't let them know about me that will only show what everyone is supposed to see. Karen knocked on the door. Telling her to come in, she let herself inside with my father just a few steps behind. His six feet frame once intimidated me but not anymore. I had earned the throne I sit on. How? I had bought him out, it was a friendly competition back then. I proved my worth. I had used my fund build company well enough to compete with my father's. I was better than him in business. I knew where and where to strike. In a year I stood as a competitor to my father's company and in two I bought him out. The only favor I got from him was that he let go of the company happily. Everyone outside the firm it had felt like that Father stepped down to let the son take over the throne but it wasn't. Karen left the room in minutes. I assessed my father. Same gray hairs, wrinkles, smile since I last saw him a year back. I didn't stand up from my seat neither I greeted him.
"What are you here for, Father?" I asked in a business tone. His eyes showed the flicker of disappointment and anger.
"Is that a way to greet your father? I really didn't know about this new way?" He joked. I neither smiled nor gave away any reply. He waited for a reply but he didn't get it
"Well, all that aside. I am here to see you. Your mother and I have been a little worried about you. Elena, your housekeeper informed us about that you haven't been home and after snooping around a bit, I have come to know that you have been sleeping in your office rather than at home. In past three years, you have turned into a workaholic son. You have got your mother all worked up over it. She had pestered me about coming but I know very well that you won't like the intrusion of hers into your office. So I came here to try to put some sense into you." Did his words matter to me a bit? No, they didn't. My father could babble all he would like but I really wasn't really interested in them intervening in the way I lived. Things changed and I changed. Some years back, I would have done everything to do away with their worries but now they just don't matter.
"Father, I really don't care about what you and Mom worry about. I am not a ten-year-old kid nor a 17-year teen, who needs to be shown the way. I am 28 years old, I know what is good for me and what isn't. So I ask you for a favour to not ponder in my life and how I live it. You can cut off the thing about that my mother wanted to come and see me. I know her very well, her very words that she didn't want to see my face ever again had imprinted in my mind so don't tell me she wanted to come here and see me. I don't even care if she had a change of heart or you did. Words once spoke and actions once made cannot be taken back. I learned it from you, Father. The first rule you taught me about being a man. How I live and what I do is up to me and no concern of yours. You can tell the same thing to my mother.The wounds that you both had inflicted three years back are still fresh and you showing this concern does nothing but scrapes them. If you don't have anything to say anymore the door to getting out is just behind you." I would have felt guilt and remorse for doing such a thing a few years back. My father sat there shocked. However, it doesn't matter anymore because I was what she named me a monster, a heartless man, a betrayer and everything worse she could have called me.
Everyone believed, my parents believed and that what hurt the most. They didn't talk to me, my mother didn't want to see even a glimpse of my shadow. My father turned my face away from me. A year spent in isolation and the only sympathy I got was from Christine. She stood up for me but lost everything. Even losing everything she never backed out of her statements. Gashes of the wounds inflicted over my heart never healed but they didn't grow anymore worse. I saw her every day. I sat in my car outside her house waiting just for a glimpse of her through the window.
"I didn't expect such a behaviour from you, Noel." I could see the pain in his eyes. I hurt him but it wasn't anything compared to what I felt every time I remembered that day. The way they looked at me, the way their eyes couldn't even bear to look at me and the way their faces turned away just from mere sight. It hurt me so deep knowing that even they didn't believe and it was something I could never forget. Their actions and behaviour broke away all the love I had for my parents in a moment.
"Your mother though has been worried. We had come to know that you go near her house many days. You sit out there waiting for her. Richard saw you the other day rather than taking action he told me. He had warned me to take care of you or he won't mind calling the police. Your mother doesn't want any more of this nuisance to go on. You are stalking her, Noel. It has been three years. I bet your mother and I can arrange for some good girls for you to date and spend time with it. You are a fucking 28-year-old billionaire and good looking women line up for you just so you would look at them for once. But you, you are stuck in the past. A girl who left you three years back and never fucking believed you!" His words hit me home. Anger flushed in my blood, my mind only seeing red.
"And you did?!" I roared at him. My voice loud enough to let him know how mad I was. "Did you fucking believe in me, Father? Or Mother did? You stand here telling me that she didn't believe me but did you?" I seethed in anger.
"You think from the fear of police, I won't go there. Then you are fucking wrong, Father. I would go there every day and no one can fucking stop me. I don't fucking care that she isn't my wife anymore, the fact that we are divorced doesn't make me step back even a bit. For me, she is still my wife and always will be. You and no one else has any fucking right to intervene in my life and tell me what I do or not. She is my wife and she always will be. I don't fucking care about what she said and called me. She will be the only woman I love." I spat at his face. No one can take me away from her.
"And for other woman and girls. I don't have any fucking time for them neither now and nor will in the future, so you can set this in your and Mother's minds that I am never going to see any other woman as I saw Cheryl. No one can take her place ever. Now the door is there so please step out of here before I choose to forget that you are my father." I was boiling inside with thin anger. She was mine and only mine. My Cheryl and my everything. My father stood there with wide eyes. Guilt and pity shone brightly in his glistening eyes. I should have felt regret after making my own father feel like that but It didn't hurt. My heart beat twice and for others I was ice cold. Their emotions didn't affect me. Taking deep breaths I tried to calm myself.
"I am sorry son. You are .....right. We.... shouldn't interfere with your life. Forgive me...... for worrying about...... you. " His voice weak and trembling. "All..I want ..is to see you happy .. I really hope that ...one day you find someone else. It.. has been... three years and... all I..... want to ...have ...is my ...own son back." I didn't interrupt him only looked at him with void emotions.
"I... hope. You would just .. move on ...and we could bring... some peace between us..." He said with his head down. He turned around and walked towards the door. I don't know what urge me to ask me but his words and pain in his eyes forced me to ask.
"Do you believe in me, Dad? Did you believed in my innocence and words?" My voice didn't come out so called as I expected it too. My heart asked with last of some hope left in me. He turned around and looked me in the eyes. I stood there waiting in anticipation. Did he really want to bring peace? Or was this one of his ways to draw me away from Cheryl? Minutes passed but for me time stood frozen. His eyes wide with the question I asked. I could see the uncertainty in them. I wanted him to answer. Rather than saying a word he turned away and didn't look back at me. Three years and nothing had changed. How did he believe me to make peace with him when he himself didn't have any trust in me? He stood there with his head down and away from me. Not a single word to say. The intercom buzzed and my hand pressed the button to answer.
"Sir, your 4 o'clock appointment has arrived." Karen's voice lifted the uncomfortable silence in the room.
"I am coming." I gave a curt reply. Picking up my phone, I brushed past my father without a second glance. We could never be the same.
"I will always try to help you move on." I heard his words on my way out but I didn't stop to answer him back a taunting reply. He isn't worth my time. My own father isn't worth it. What a pathetic life I have.
I busied myself in back to back meetings for rest of the day. Whatever happened with my father had left my mind far easily. Why? Because as I said they didn't deserve to occupy space in my mind. It was an idiot of me to ask that question. What was it worth? Nothing and it always will be. I worked until I could be with my best friend alcohol beside me all alone in the office. Everyone had left by now and I welcomed the silence.
I closed my eyes taking in the calm silence. Cheryl, I just wanted to drown in her memories. Her round face flashed in front of my eyes. She was smiling and talking. Maybe it was about her friend or something relating to her college assignment. I was smiling at her while she babbled on about something. Her beautiful brown eyes were so lively and filled with happiness. Suddenly she angered face with hatred for me flashed in front of me and before I knew a painful memory take over me. There she was, there was that memory again.
"How could you do this to us? To her?" she shouted.
"Cheryl, hear me out!" I tried to have her listen to me but it was all in vain. She wasn't ready to hear me out.
"Hear you?!" She screeched. "Didn't what I see is enough, Noel?! God, you played me like a fool! I trusted you. Goddamn it! I argued with Richard for you. I debased him, even dare slap my own best friend for you. This is what I got. This is what you did for a small fight with me over him. God, this is such a monstrous thing to do! I can't even bear to look at you!" She spat at my face with angry tears in her eyes. Her every word slashing my heart.
" It is no....t like. what ...you see. Please believe me." I pleaded her while taking a step towards her for which she took many back. The distaste in her eyes piercing me from the inside. An unbearable pain sliced over my body.
"Don't you dare come near me!" she outraged. "Believe you, fucking believe in you?! There is blood on your hands, Noel. Blood! Goddamn it, did you see the fucking bruises and scratches?! I saw them with my own fucking eyes, clear as a glass and you want to say it isn't what it fucking looks like. You are a monster, Noel, a fucking monster!" Her eyes full of hatred for me. She loathed me. Everything was tearing me apart, her angry tears, her loathsome eyes, and broken voice. They were all my undoing. I stood there in front of her with my own pleading tears, pleading for her to believe me. Just believe me! I wanted to yell.
"Please, believe me!" I begged her getting down on my knees. With my hands joined, I begged like a fucking beggar. I didn't care how pathetic and weak I looked. All I cared was for her to believe me.
"You are a fucking rascal, a monster whom I married. I wish for your death, Noel. The death of a monster like you. I loathe your existence, Noel. You are dead to me." She said with venom in her voice. Without a second glance, she turned around running out and left me. I was being ruined with every step she got away from me.
" Che...ryl" I bawled. "Cher..yl" I choked on my words. An unbearable pain wrapping around all over my heart. My tears felt like acid, they were burning me hurting me. I got on my legs and was running after her but she was long gone. I bawled out my eyes like a weakling for her but she wasn't there and I was left alone. With a tag of monster over me. A monster, a rascal. The worse part was that neither I blamed her nor did I hated her after all she said. She loved me. She was just believing in the wrong.
My phone buzzed with the alarm of 8 p.m drawing me out from the painful memory. My senses weren't buzzed enough by alcohol but the painful memory tearing me apart every time like it just happened right now. Not wanting to dwell on it, I turned off the alarm. That alarm put a smile on my lips even after such a painful memory. It wasn't her fault. It wasn't my fault. It was no one's fault but yet I suffered, many suffered. I can't blame anyone, I can't blame her and I never will. Reaching for my car keys, I felt something inside me, emotions took over my body and none of them were from sadness or negativity. I looked forward to this time every single day. This was what my heart beat for, I breathed and lived for past three years. I rushed to the elevator. Every second felt like minutes while waiting for the elevator. My hurried steps once I get down took me towards my black car. I bought it especially in dark black so that it could hide in the darkness of the night.
I drove over the street as carefully as fast and carefully I could. Every distance I covered to her house, I could feel more and more of emotions I keep locked up. Love, one of the thing that hovered is my mind with priority. I lived for these small moments now. As I reached the street with bungalows on one side of it and park on the other I slowed down the car, my heart beating fast and smile on my lips. Stealthily, I parked the car in my regular spot, right across her house. Cutting down the engine I waited for her to come. I had a clear view of her kitchen and living room from my spot. The lights told me she was there. She had a habit of turning on lights of all of the house. The kitchen was her paradise. Her home was her kingdom. She was a woman who would grow happier through words and flowers rather than expensive dinners and jewellery. She is the one for me, the perfect for me. I saw a flicker of movement through the window of the living room. My eyes fixed on it and then I saw her. Her blonde head came into the view. I shifted in my seat so I could see her fully.
"Just a little forward, my love," I spoke with excitement buzzing around and inside of me. She shifted but completely vanished from my view. My heart dropped into my stomach. My eyes eagerly waiting for her to come. With every second my worry grew. One look that's all I wanted. My mouth became dry. Just one look, coloredGod. I prayed.
Swiftly, she came in my view. Her rounded face, slightly lighter than ivory with coloured tint to her cheeks took my breath away every time. It made me fell in love with her again and again. Her small brown eyes that were lively, warm, sparkled with bliss as she smiled while talking to someone on her phone. Her smooth blonde hair with soft curls fell just past her dimpled chin. Her pink, slight, a buttoned nose that was just above her delicate lips that always had a faint smile shone brightly. I drank in her beauty as much as I could. She was a painting of a goddess brought to life. Her gentle smile made me feel alive. I felt content seeing her like this, a wave of happiness, calmness and relief washed over me. She was happy. My hand reached for the dashboard. I opened it and took out the professional camera I always had there. I took pictures after pictures of her.
The peach dress of hers made her look like and angel with those soft blonde curls of hers. She moved while talking giving me enough opportunities to capture every part of her. I took close shots of her smile, her eyes crisp like toffee drizzled in melted chocolate and framed with darling lashes filled with happiness, her lilac soft full lips, her buttoned nose and her goddess face. My phone buzzed with another alarm of 9 pm. It was time for me to go. Taking one last look at her smiling face, I imprinted it in my mind.
As I drove through the streets of Seattle, a happy content smile hovered over my lips. Every time my eyes closed, I saw her smiling face. She was my only love, the first and the last. She can hate me as much she wants but she will be always my only one, my only love. Cheryl, my ex-wife but in my heart, always my wife.
I drove as a happy man, as a man alive and living just for her.
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Hope you all liked it !!
Fingers Crossed and Eyes closed .
Love you all !!