My immune system was a fucked up little shit and I was lucky enough to contract something really nasty from the hospital while I was still recovering from my alcohol poisoning. Nothing about it was good or lucky, however I was at least lucky enough to have left the hospital before I came down with the symptoms of what the doctor believed was norovirus. That was a lie actually; to begin with the doctor thought it might have been traces of alcohol in my blood making my body panic. At first I just felt very ill, then I was vomiting, just continuous vomiting, there wasn't even anything in my stomach at all but I was still vomiting. That lasted for three fucking days, three days of constant vomiting, it made me so weak.
Honestly it was only a violent stomach virus but it was draining me in every possible way, my body just couldn't cope with me being ill and vomiting anymore. I was weak and dizzy and always felt faint, even if I did something as little as try to sit up. But that was just typical of my shitty immune system. What I was worried most about was missing classes, which sounded really nerdy, but I just wasn't clever at all and if there was one person in this school who needed class more than anyone else, that would be me. But I was just so lucky to have friends who so kindly kept me up to date with classes and brought me my homework. I couldn't concentrate very well at all but Gerard helped me, he was there and he just wouldn't leave.
Gerard not leaving me alone was actually not a bad thing, in fact it was very pleasant I spent three days in the school infirmary feeling worse than I ever remember having felt before and Gerard made it more bearable. I enjoyed Gerard's company, a lot. I really liked him coming to see me all the time he made me smile and laugh. I did however feel really bad that he was wasting all his free time on being with sick old me in the fucking infirmary, he had already spent a night and day with me in a hospital in London, he was so sweet to me. But I still loved his company, no matter how bad I felt. I liked to believe the feeling was mutual, he always seemed happy to talk to me or to see me and particularly to help me with my work – what a nerd – so I hoped he came to me happily by choice. I still couldn't seem to forgot that moment we had almost so nearly shared at the hospital. I also had to believe when he said he came here happily because he wanted to, I had asked him a few times and he just smiled and said 'I want to spend time with you Frank' or something similar, which always warmed me a little. Then sometimes he'd add a comment like 'At least I'm not out smoking.' Which would make me laugh, then miss the addiction I had to smoking.
Over all he was just such a great person. I had already said it, but still it seemed like everything he did or said and the longer I spent with him the more I liked him. The more I liked him as a person, as a friend and then the more I liked him in a way which was rather different than the way I had felt about any friend before or my sister for that matter. He was always so sweet and kind and it felt unnecessary like I didn't deserve it, it made me wonder why the hell he would be so nice to me? I was nothing special, sure I was nice and I never tried to start a fight and I was civil to a person even if I hated them – at least I tried to be, Mikey was hard to be civil towards no matter how hard I tried. It just made me feel like he cared and he was like it to everyone, he cared about everyone and everyone liked him, you couldn't dislike him, he was too nice and harmless.
Maybe what I liked the most however was his confidence, I hadn't seen him act shy or nervous, in the two classes he was in of mine, he didn't talk unless he needed to or felt like he wanted to, but when he did he was confident. And when he spoke to me or joked around with me, or anyone for that matter he seemed confidence and he had such a charm to him. He was flirty almost, well to me anyway, but he wasn't unsure, it was like he wasn't afraid that people would push him away or turn him down. But not flirty and confident in an arrogant way, he didn't think he was the best and just assume that everyone was totally into him, he was just subtle and strong so people weren't put off by it. That was hot. I wasn't even denying – to myself at least – that I was kind of really into him.
Because the charm and confidence and flirtation had me turned on. I liked it. But I was not as confident as him, I was certainly not flirty or strong, so I would just keep my feelings in check. It's not like it was my fault I liked him. He was just so nice it's not like I could help it really, he had been so good to me and he had hardly left my side since my birthday, that was so nice of him.
Lucky for me however Friday morning I was better, much better, no longer a white toned colour or dizzy every time I sat up, so they let me go. That also meant good things for Gerard, he no longer had to sit in the fucking hospital just to talk to me or help with my homework like he somehow seemed to enjoy. As strange as it sounded, to me more than anyone else I imagine, I was glad to be back in classes it was normal again, and I actually felt like I was doing something. I had spent the entire half term holiday smoking and talking pointlessly to Gerard, then I was in a fucking infirmary bed for the first week back, but finally I was out and it felt normal. It also gave me a little more confidence that just maybe I might start learning.
All morning the rest of my classmates were taking mock exams in the hall, whilst I was lucky enough to be given an extra week before I had to do mine. I was nervous that was for sure, but it was nice to have one to ones all morning with all my teachers. After missing a week of school, my four Friday morning lessons seemed to have actually caught me up completely. In fact from those lessons I had decided that I officially preferred lessons with just me. I got to just sit down and tell my teachers exactly what I didn't understand or wasn't sure about and I actually came out confidently knowing something specific I hadn't before. What surprised me most was that I came out of my maths classroom and after three years of not understanding, I finally fucking understood linear equations, like what the fuck was going on?
"Frank!" Dan exclaimed happily when I walked towards our usual table in the cafeteria with a tray in my hands. I couldn't claim I had completely got my appetite back, I hadn't I wasn't very hungry at all, but I had decided that eating is good and a plate of plain pasta wouldn't harm me.
"Hi." I smiled actually glad to be back into my social group at least there were only a few of us. Gerard smiled wider than everyone else, moving into the empty chair on his right so I could sit next to him. I smiled back at him before round at everyone then I looked down at my plate in disgust I just wasn't feeling it.
"You little fucker getting out of exams." Oli laughed rolling his eyes at me, getting a laugh from pretty much everyone in response. I just shrugged, it wasn't like it was my fault, I didn't chose to get ill, hell I fucking hated being ill but if it got me out of exams, well what could I do?
"You okay?" Gerard asked resting his hand on mine under the table for a moment before moving it when I blushed a little and he clearly realised we were surrounded by friends. I smiled at him trying to hide my blush and just nodded at him, I was okay, I mean I really wasn't hungry and the thought of eating did in fact make my stomach churn, because last time I ate it all came back up again very nastily. "You're not hungry?" He chuckled looking at me as I just stared down at my food in absolute disgust whilst everyone else was happily eating away and conversing about shit I wasn't paying attention to.
"Last time I ate it made me sick." I mused looking at him with an uncomfortable smirk, which seemed like a decent reason not to eat to me, I mean if it was going to make me vomit I would certainly refrain from eating.
"Fair enough." He shrugged, "However you have to eat at some point, just a bite?" He asked nudging me gently as he picked up a chip from his own plate biting it in front of me and smiling hopefully while I just looked at my plate and then him again in disgust. "Please!" He begged. "For me?" He smiled hopefully at me, as I just looked back down at the plate.
I took my fork and a deep breath picking up a few pieces of pasta and just shoving them into my mouth and trying to ignore the horrible feeling in my stomach as I chewed. "Yay." Gerard exclaimed smiling widely at me and squeezing my hand again before letting go. "I'm proud of you." He smiled at me as I turned back to him swallowing and screwing my face up in discontent, that did not feel good.
"Can we go have a smoke now?" I asked giving him really pleading eyes and a hopeful smile, he smiled very widely back at me like he was really relieved.
"Shit yeah!" He nodded grabbing his tray and standing up, following me as I did the same. I hadn't had a cigarette for absolutely days and I really was missing it by that point, which admittedly was really bad, but I was done pretending to be a model person or just not smoking, I was more than ready for that shit. We carried our trays to the bin, Gerard finishing his last chip before ditching his rubbish and putting his tray on the stand, whilst I just binned my virtually full bowl of pasta then putting my tray on the stand too.
So far I had been good I hadn't vomited and I didn't feel like I was going to, but I still had another chance today to eat something so I would see how I felt then, I wasn't feeling like eating then. It wasn't like I was going to die if I didn't, it took weeks for someone to get ill from eating nothing and I was pretty positive I would be eating a day or two later, it wasn't like I was just going to quit eating. Not to mention I had a slight hunch Gerard would never in hell let me get away with not eating, I got the impression he cared too much. He had done it when I had been avoiding him and had gone only two meals without food, he was up in my room forcing me to eat, and he wasn't going to let me quit eating.
Not to mention, I'm not that kind of guy, I liked food, I couldn't quit eating, fuck no. Plus I wasn't fat or over weight, I was perfectly normal, I mean I was in no way confident in my body, but I wasn't in desperate need to be smaller and I didn't feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that I felt like not eating. It sounded crazy because I hated exercise and I wasn't particularly into sport lessons, but I did work out and I wasn't going to deny it. I did push ups once a day and sometimes – when I could be bothered – I would go for a run, because working out and running moved toxins around in your body, and it genuinely made me feel good. Not only that, but doing exercise made me feel better about how much crap food I ate. Although I wouldn't say 'Yes I have a great body', my friends did used to tell me that I had a good body, which was nice to think whether I agreed or not.
That didn't mean I was healthy though it would seem, I liked to pretend I was super fit and healthy but there was no denying, I wasn't, maybe fit, but not healthy. In fact at that exact point I was walking up to my room with Gerard to retrieve my cigarettes so I could go and sit and smoke, if that wasn't a really unhealthy addiction I don't know what is. But everyone has flaws, at least I didn't spend my evenings snorting coke or injecting myself with other shit. However supposedly it would be a little better for me if I smoked weed over tobacco, but I couldn't claim the truth in that, or that I had ever tested it, I hadn't. Sometimes I thought about it, but I didn't even know where the fuck to get it from so that was already a dead end.
When we reached the dorms Gerard pushed open his door and walked in as I turned to mine, looking around to see nothing had changed at all, not that I was surprised at all. Just to make it worse there was still a pale lanky boy sat on the bed reading his stupid fucking book, ignoring me completely. I was very glad that he did at least ignore me rather than make a snide comment or be a dick to me, because honestly he literally needed to stop being a twat already, it was getting so boring. I was so impressed Gerard stayed so calm around him sometimes, because he was a real asswipe to me, but I had witnessed conversations where he had been just as bad to Gerard. Gerard had lived with the twat for sixteen years of his life; god knows how he managed not to freak out. I mean all siblings had fights and arguments – Jamia and I had sure had our far share – but Mikey was on a whole other level, he was literally batshit crazy. Like everything would be calm and chill, then at the drop of a hat, Mikey would flip the fuck out and he was literally attacking Gerard and muttering shit which honestly was crazier than a politician telling the truth. There were moments when Mikey genuinely scared me.
Completely ignoring Mikey happy that he just continued to ignore me, I pulled my fat bible out of my nightstand drawer, opening it smiling to see my cigarettes and lighter still neatly in the cut out I had made. I slipped them into my blazer pocket with my back to Mikey before closing the book and sliding it back into the back of the nightstand. I ran a hand through my hair, before I stood up just as Gerard walked into the room; he smiled at me then walked towards Mikey, who actually put his book down for a change.
"Hey Mikes." He smiled at Mikey who just repositioned himself and stared at Gerard for several seconds before glancing over at me in complete disgust, in the same way I had looked at my pasta.
"You're not here for him are you?" He asked giving Gerard a disgusting glare as if he would disown him if he nodded or made any sort of suggestion that actually yes, he was. Mikey spat the word him out like poison on his tongue, it wasn't even my name and he still couldn't say it nicely.
"Seriously?" I scoffed making both Mikey and Gerard look up at me both a little surprised that I had actually spoken. "I'm right here, and I have a fucking name."
"I know, I just chose not to waste my time saying it." Mikey rolled his eyes looking back at Gerard with a look which suggested that I was a complete idiot and I was just pathetic and stupid for expecting to have a shred of respect for me. Was he serious, I did everything around his say so just so he didn't fuck my life up anymore and he still couldn't even be civil enough to treat me like a human being?
"Like stop being a dick already goddamn!" I exclaimed flipping him off which seemed to make him just laugh as if my middle finger was funny or maybe I was just immature, but he deserved it really. Gerard just rested his head in his hands as if he was embarrassed, whether that was of me, Mikey or both of us I wasn't really sure, but I'm pretty sure he was bored of Mikey's behaviour too, I was and it had only been two months.
"So Brother Dearest." He turned back to Gerard ignoring me and paying his attention back to Gerard, who looked up and smiled as if he wasn't fazed at all. "You're not actually friends with him are you?" He asked staring at Gerard as if to say 'you're a fucking idiot if you are, and I will end him if you are.' With that I got up and walked towards the door, standing outside out of view as I waited for Gerard.
"Uh." Gerard mumbled turning towards the door but then back at Mikey just as I was leaving, he didn't say anything for a few seconds, maybe assuming I was out of earshot. "No he's a twat." He chuckled at Mikey. "Honestly I hate him, like he is annoying and he always bitches about you."
"Shut up Gerard you always bitch about me." Mikey laughed.
"Yeah 'cause you're my brother and you're a little bitch, I still love you though." He chuckled, "Frank's just whiny and irritating." Well then that was always a good thing to hear from someone you thought was really amazing person.
After hearing that I decided I would leave them alone to continue their conversation, I shoved my hands into my pockets, pushed off the wall and walked away. I was going to tell myself that for some reason Gerard was lying, but when I thought about it, I did complain about Mikey once and maybe I was a little annoying. I couldn't think of anything I was particularly whiny about or what I did which I personally found irritating, but I guess everyone is annoying somehow. I didn't let it bother me much, I mean sure I had a bit of a crush on Gerard, but if he actually thought I was a pain in the ass, it was better to know then than later on. I wasn't going to hate him or be angry at him for not liking me, that wasn't his fault, if I was annoying that was my doing not his.
Actually I didn't care that much, I mean I cared but I wasn't going to go cry about it, I still wanted my smoke so I would go and smoke, then maybe I'd even reflect upon things that made me annoying, I mean self improvement was a good thing. With my hands still tucked into my pockets I wandered down the field towards the tree where I would go and sit to smoke, maybe I'd stick the bench rather than the actual tree however. I was just wondering however why he was so happy to spend so much time with me in the hospital and infirmary and why he seemed to care so much about whether I ate or not. It just didn't quite add up.
I had always found Gerard just a little different and more interesting but I didn't quite understand how he could be so happy and confident around me, so flirtatious and kind yet actually think I was a twat. Of course there was always the possibility I had been dreaming or hallucinating whilst ill in hospital, maybe we hadn't almost kissed and he hadn't even been with me, but still things didn't make complete sense. When I had been avoiding him for a day he was so determined to make me eat and earlier at lunch he was so happy when I ate a mouthful of fucking pasta, that seemed weird to be happy about with someone you didn't even like. If Mikey was ill I don't think I'd really give a fuck, if he ate or not was none of my concern and if he had been ill I certainly wouldn't hold his hand to ask him if he was okay – I definitely hadn't dreamt that. It didn't make sense.
Flicking the thoughts away I just pulled a cigarette out from my pocket, flicking my lighter a few times before finally lifting the flame to the end of my cigarette, shoving the lighter away before I took a puff. Having only been sat for a minute or two and only just started my cigarette a figure walking towards me caught my eye I took another puff before realising that unless that was one of my friends, I was kind of fucked. Panicking a little because I couldn't really afford to be kicked out, I stubbed the cigarette out on the bench, putting my cigarette subtly between two of the bench slats letting it go like I had never had one. I crossed my legs beneath me and stared down at my legs not looking at who it was.
"You okay Frankie?" Said person asked laughing to themselves in their cute literal American accent – Gerard, of course it was.
"You just cost me a cigarette." I sighed looking up at him blankly as he looked at me a little confused before sitting next to me on the bench.
"Sorry." He chuckled smiling hopefully at me pulling his little rollup tin from his pocket, "I can roll you one?" He suggested, I just shook my head, I couldn't be bothered with that faff, I just wanted my fag. He began to sort one out for himself as I just pulled another straight from my pocket, lighting it again, puffing away before he had even rolled his. "You had left me before I could come with you." He smiled over at me, once he had rolled his up and lit it. I didn't want to be an ass but the one thing that really did piss me off more than most things was somebody who didn't like someone but pretended they didn't.
I wasn't trying to sound like a twat or make snide comments, but I didn't know how else to approach it, "I thought you'd rather not smoke with an annoying whiny twat like me." I shrugged, I wasn't pissed at him or that he'd said that, although I would have preferred if he had said it to my face, I just didn't like that he was acting like he still liked me.
"Oh god Frank!" He bit his lip looking so guilty as he ran a hand through his hair turning to look at me. "I don't mean that I swear to you!" He looked at me really hopefully actually looking really sad and worried, "I just said that to keep him happy."
"I'm not bothered Gee, just don't lie." I smiled actually finding it rather amusing how apologetic he was.
"No I swear to you Frank! Please, th-this is real." He whispered looking up from where he was staring into my lap, looking into my eyes sadly. "I actually like you, a lot." He said like he was making a confession, I just laughed and as he looked at me hopefully and fearfully before blowing smoke at him.
"Okay fucker." I giggled, finding it funnier how he coughed and frowned at me when I blew at him, I'm pretty sure he was trying to be emotional, but I had ruined that for sure.
"Mikey's a little bit crazy, if he doesn't want us to be friends, he'll do anything to stop it." He shrugged.
"Oh I know, I've witnessed the crazy at work." I joked although he just sighed and nodded in agreement, not seeming even slightly bothered that I had said that.
"He'd make your life a lot worse if he knew we were friends." He said taking a long puff of his cigarette then blowing the smoke upwards.
"I know." I laughed sighing heavily at the same time, he already made my life hell I didn't want him being more derogatory and unnecessarily unpleasant to me, "I'll just continue to be your favourite 'annoying whiny twat' of a friend." I smirked tapping my cheek and blowing rings of smoke at him.
"You're the best." He smirked sticking his finger into the rings of smoke, "You still need to teach me to do that." He giggled attempting it but failing, just making a fool of himself, making us both giggle.