Sorry about any mistakes.
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Five more weeks until school starts.
Two more weeks until I go to Miami for the music video.
And a few more seconds until I have to tell Austin about Shawn. But according to my dream he already knows. If austin actually does know then I'm in some deeeeeeeep shit.
"Hello?" Woah. Since when was his voice deep.
"...Austin?" he made a sound of affirmation.
"Natalie? How have you been? How's Sheen?" He spoke quickly so it took me about thirty seconds to piece together what he said. Sheen?
"It's Shawn. And were perfectly fine thank you." I knew it was true. I knew that he knew, but soon enough I'm going to find out how. It was probably Alex; he's not the best with secrets.
"Really?" He laughed out. a mocking laugh, like the one he constantly directed towards me in eighth grade.
"Yeah whatever. How are you Austin?" I needed to change the subject because it sounded like he had to tell me something that would ruin my mood.
"Well actually I'm great..." I scoffed on accident. Yeah on accident. I was supposed to direct it towards James because he had just done a backflip in the living room.
Then I caught what Austin said after that. 'And leaving...'
"Leaving? What do you mean leaving?" leaving where? His condo? The studio? He's probably just talking while he's doing things. He's prone to do that at times.
"Uhm I'm leaving the.... The studio. I am leaving the studio, that's right!" he rambled. He's lying.
Before I could accuse him of lying he told me he had to go. Coward....
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"James? can you come help me with my mic?" I didn't really need his help; I just want him to hear my new cover.
"Sure! is it the custom one?" I nodded as he walked in. A while back I designed a microphone from BūmBox and have been anticipating this day forever. My initials are carved into it along with the word 'brave'. Brave is the name of a song by the band Action Item. That song holds a lot of meaning not only to the band, but to me. The saying 'be brave' is a lot more motivational then 'stay strong' to me.
Without looking, I moved my mouse to the file that I'd been playing all day. Instead of my guitar being played a scream came from my speakers.
I thought I deleted this.
" I'm Natalie Taylor and this is my final video." No.
"Wow. I just want to tell whoever is watching this that I'm sorry." My hair was so dark back then. And my style was different.
"I'm sorry that I'm giving up. But when you cry every morning because you are dreading school and not just because it's well school and it's because you're scared.... You've gotta do something. Something that will make people remember you no matter what it is."
"Natalie turn it off." I shook my head at his command and felt a tear fly off my cheek. Shit.
"I honestly never thought I would be saying goodbye for real. Never in a million years. It's just gotten so bad. So so bad. I've tried - I really have - to make it better. The music isn't doing shit. Thank God nobody had found out about it." This is when my voice gets really shaky and my breathing falters.
"Natalie Taylor. Turn it off now." I ignored my brother yet again.
I watched myself fish something out of my drawer. My inhaler. No one was supposed to find out about that. Only my dad knows.
"What- is that a-" he stopped his sentence and kept watching with me.
"Ok. Now I'll start with Austin. I'm really sorry for ignoring you and pushing you away. I- i... when I pass you in- in the hall ways I get this feeling inside of me. Like maybe just maybe you'll talk to me or say hi. Or ask about Basketball or lacrosse. You haven't. And you probably won't. I know I should've forgiven you right away. Because it's fucking killing me everyday. I have almost every class with you and... Nothing. Absolutely nothing." I took a deep breath just as the old me in the computer did.
"I'm sorry to all of you. I'm sorry that I can't thank you...because I can't stay here any longer. It's not working for me." That's when I covered my hand over the camera and meant to turn it off. It never went off. What? I haven't seen this video before but I sure as hell remember this day.
The old me screamed and screamed and screamed. No one heard me. I stood up and pushed my chair away, going to get some thing. It was either the rope or pills I still don't quite remember.
"James turn it off. turn it off! please!" my voice came out raspy and screechy like. I fell out of my chair and scooted my self to the corner. I felt safer over there. James tried to get closer but I'd swat his hand away. Then he left the room.
I swayed side to side until I tilted over and fell again. I curled myself up into a ball, trying to feel safe. Everything around me began to look twisted and moving.
Breathe, Natalie. Breathe.
"Breathe, Natalie. Breathe." A voice told me. Correction Alex's voice told me. Immediately I was sitting up and watching him crouch down beside me.
"Come here Nat." I moved into his open arms still bawling my eyes out not knowing why I would think to do what I did in the video. Now I remember. Austin. Everything revolves around him, no matter what the situation is.
Everything.
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"Joey come on!" I yelled to him from his room. "How long does it take to make popcorn?" He came through the door way with a giant blue bowl overflowing with popcorn. We settled down on the floor, facing each other.
"So when are you going down to Miami?" He asked throwing up a piece of popcorn to me.
"What in like three days maybe? I think it's three."
Joey mumbled, "But what if I don't want you to go?" He briefly directed his eyes to mine and I noticed that they were glassy. I already haven't seen him in a while and to leave for a week or so isn't going to make him feel better.
"Joe.... Have you been feeling ok? I know that ever since Max-"
"I am fine."
"Please?" I pushed on. We both know that saying 'I'm fine.' will make things that much worse.
"I've just been lonely." He smiled and laughed at himself. I tried as hard as I could not to laugh, but I had to. He threw popcorn at me, which I caught. Joey and I always know how to make each other feel better.
A silence settled in the air causing us to laugh again.
"Oh! I almost forgot. How's Shawn?" he waggled his brows and smirked. I pulled his beanie down over his face to shut him up. I wasn't in the mood to talk about Shawn. He's been distant.
"Fine, fine. How bout Austin? Have you talked to him?" I told Joey about my last encounter with Austin over the phone. Austin seems to know everything with out even being here. But, of course, he won't tell me.
Thinking of Austin reminded me of the crew and how we have to go shopping before Miami.
'Say somethin if your feelin' the vibe! say somethin baby don't be so shy!' Joey sang along to my ringtone.
Austin.
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Dayum. I think Wrong Turns will be updated later today.