A/N: Hey loves :)
I've been meaning to publish this chapter since last weekend, but I have been so busy!
Vote! Comment! And most importantly, ENJOY!
---
Grace 🌸
I sat at the edge of the hospital bed, the plastic covering crinkled under my body. I looked at the ticking clock on the pristine white wall. It was 14:01 and I was just in time for my appointment with Dr Hector.
Dr Hector was my neurologist at Winchester Hospital. He had been monitoring my brain activity and my disorder ever since the car crash. At first I would see him every two weeks. As my mental health improved he would slowly prolong my visits and now I only see him every six months, just for a quick brain scan and mental health assessment.
Dr Hector, a middle aged man with greying hair and the brightest blue eyes I've ever seen hidden behind wire rimmed glasses, walked into the room with a bright smile. He held a clipboard in his left hand and stuck out his right hand for my mom, who was sitting on the visitor's chair, to shake.
We went through our usual cordial greetings. Dr Hector asked me how things were going, if there had been any mental improvements, if I had gotten my birthday gift from Winchester Hospital etc. Then he took me to the room in which they would do the brain scan. The first time I came to this room I was terrified, but now this room was as familiar as my bedroom.
I lay down on the cold bed and I was pulled into the machine. I closed my eyes and listened to the beep-beep-beep and all the other mechanical sounds the machine made. 15 minutes later the scan was completed and I was helped out of the machine and onto the floor. Dr Hector took me back to his office.
In the pale white-walled office, Dr Hector studied the notes of my brain scan. His eyes squinted at the results that lined the page and he stroked the coarse grey hairs on his chin while he scrutinized my mental report. As usual my mom and I waited patiently to hear the words he was bound to say any moment. "Everything is perfect. There has been no improvement. See you in six months time." Those were the words I had gotten so accustomed to hearing. It was neither good nor bad news.
When Dr Hector eventually looked up, his expression was unreadable. "Is something wrong, doctor?" my mom asked, her voice laced with concern.
"Yes, I've been conversing with other specialists in the lab and it appears your daughter has an... aneurysm."
"What?!" my mother asked and I could hear the fear building up in her voice.
"An aneurysm is a weak, bulging area in the wall of an artery that supplies blood. We have detected that Grace has an aneurysm on her brain. Most of the time a brain aneurysm has no symptoms and goes undetected until it ruptures. You are lucky that we discovered the aneurysm now before it was too late."
I tried to grasp the words Dr Hector was saying. His eyes were filled with pity directed at me and I didn't like being pitied. I didn't feel lucky at all.
"Is it fatal?" my mom asked.
"Ruptured aneurysms are fatal 40% of the time. 66% of the survivors suffer from a permanent neurological deficiency. 15% of patients with aneurysmal subarachnoid hemorrage die before reaching the hospital."
Dr Hector might have been speaking a different language for all I understood. He must have noticed my confused expression because he explained: "Picture a red balloon of blood attached to your brain. That is an aneurysm. Now picture the balloon bursting! That is what will happen once the aneurysm ruptures."
I cringed as I imagined what Dr Hector was explaining.
"If the brain aneurysm ruptures blood will be realised into the skull which will cause a stroke and, in many cases, death."
My mother let out a gasp.
"However that can be prevented," Dr Hector continued, "We would like to operate on Grace as soon as possible. I must warn you though, there is a chance this operation could fail, causing Grace to..."
He didn't need to complete his sentence. So my chances of dying before I became an adult were strong. I might die before Bella who died at 18. I was only 17.
---
An aneurysm.
A weak, bulging area in the wall of an artery that supplies blood.
As we drove home I wondered over who was the person who had discovered and named "aneurysm". Why was it called an aneurysm? Why was anything called what it were?
For example who discovered trivial things such as toilet paper, cupboards, paint and pillows? Why are those people not as famous as the person who created cars and the person who discovered the telephone?
I allowed those thoughts to wander around my mind so that I didn't focus on the pending operation. My mother was quiet during the entire car ride and for once I was glad for her silence. I watched the cars and buildings streak past my window as we drove by. All those normal people doing normal people things. But what exactly is normal? I had no idea. The only thing I was certain of was that my brain was one of the farthest things from normal. Why did it have to be so complicated? First hypersomnia and now an aneurysm? Next I'll probably have brain cancer - if I even live so long.
Dr Hector's words spinned around in my head, "I must warn you though, there is a chance this operation could fail. I must warn you though, there is a chance this operation could fail. I must warn you though, there is a chance this operation could fail." over and over as if I was going mad. A hard and dry laugh escaped my mouth and my mother looked at me with the strangest expression I had ever seen.
"What's so funny?"
"I am mad!"
"Don't speak such nonsense!"
"But it's true! Hypersomnia is a mental disorder, which means I'm mental. And now I have an aneurysm? Just another sign that my head is not normal and I am quite surprised that you and dad didn't book me into a mental institution yet because even before the accident I was far from normal..."
I was rambling on and on about how mad I truly was from the backseat of the car and I only stopped when I realised that my mom was not saying a word.
"Mom?"
Tears were streaming down her cheeks and it was a good thing we had just pulled into our driveway because with her blurry eyes my mother was in no state to drive.
"Mom, what's wrong?"
"I can't lose you too," she said, her voice muffled by her sobs.
I had only ever seen my mother like this once before and that was the day of Bella's funeral. Seeing her in this sodden state formed a lump in my throat.
My dad came out of the house all smiles. He hadn't heard the "brilliant" news about my aneurysm and upcoming operation yet. His face fell when his eyes landed on my mom who was attempting to dry her eyes but only managing to smudge her eyeliner and make her look worse than before. "Oh dear. What happened?" my dad asked, his face crestfallen.
Once we were inside and my mother had stopped crying I heard her talking to my father in hushed tones. They probably didn't want me to hear what they were talking about but their attempts were futile as I was crouched at the edge of the stairs and overheared their entire conversation.
They were talking about me. Obviously.
"What are we going to do?" I heard my mother's frantic voice.
"Send her for the operation of course!" I heard my father's voice, more sturdy than my mother's but there was a still slight wobble as if he was forcing himself to be strong.
"Our poor baby," I heard my mother say and she began crying again.
"At least she'll get to see Bella again," my father's brave voice tried to be reassuring.
"What did we do to deserve this? I know we weren't the best parents but we're better than most! I love my children, why do they keep getting taken them away from us?" My mother's pathetic weeping was frustrating. My parents were talking as if I was gone already! There was still a chance the operation would be a success so why were my parents being such pessimists. I could hear their voices laced with pity and suddenly I couldn't take it anymore. More pity.
I left my perch on the stairs and stormed out of the house, not even bothering to tell my parents where I was going. I slammed the door behind me. I was just so mad! If anyone should be crying it should be me! I was the one going for an operation and I was the one responsible for my sister's death.
In a way I was also relieved. The operation gave me two ultimatums - if it was a success I would most likely no longer have hypersomnia (Dr Hector said), if it was a failure I would die in the process - either way I would be free from the demons that possessed my mind, always drawing me towards sleep. This time it might draw me towards sleep forever.
I didn't bother taking a bus or a cab. I walked all the way to the woods. It was still quite cold and the icy breeze blew my hair into my face as I walked. I pushed my shivering fingers deep into the pockets of my jeans.
Once I reached the woods I let out a sigh of relief. My warm breath swirled out of my mouth like cigarette smoke. As I entered our "special place" I was not surprised to see him there.
"Hey," he said without bothering to look at me.
I didn't reply, I was too busy trying to catch my breath. For a normal fit person the walk I had done would not be that bad, but for someone who hadn't exercised in 2 years it was quite a marathon. I inhaled the cool air, refreshing my tired lungs.
"So you're not replying today?" he asked, finally turning towards me, his lips curled into a smile.
He didn't bother waiting for a reply and instead continued, "So how did your appointment with the neurologist go?"
Hearing him mention the appointment snapped me back into reality.
"Fine," I replied curtly.
Nathan raised his eyebrow, "So you're on your periods today?"
"No," I replied just as bluntly. What was up with boys always thinking the reason you're in a bad mood is because of your hormones? It was frustrating actually!
"Well what's wrong?" he asked, coming towards me with his arms outstretched.
All I wanted to do was run into his arms and be smothered in his embrace but instead I yelled, "EVERYTHING IS WRONG!" I startled not only Nathan and myself, but some poor unsuspecting birds who were perched on the branches above us, with my outburst.
"Jeez, Grace, no need to shout."
I didn't say anything. I just looked out at the river and the trees that made the forest what it was.
"Look, Grace, you should just chill out okay?"
Chill out? Chill out? How could I "chill out" when I was practically dying!
"You have no idea what's going on?" I said bitterly.
"Yeah? Well tell me what's going on, Grace!"
Once again I didn't reply. I couldn't reply, I didn't know what to say.
"I'm sick of all your moods, Grace. You're always going off on a tangent, wanting the world to pity you."
"I DO NOT want pity!" I said almost hysterical. Pity was the one thing I did not want.
"Whatever," he said.
We stood in silence until he said, "You know what? You're not the only one with problems. Everyone's fighting their own battles. Everyone has their own issues. But you seem to only care about yourself." He words cut through the icy tension like a knife.
"Not once have you ever asked about me. You never ask how I'm actually doing or how I developed my insomnia. I'm always listening to your rants about your parents, your hypersomnia, your dead sister-"
"Don't you dare bring Bella into this!"
"I'M JUST TRYING TO MAKE A DAMN POINT!"
I had never heard Nathan raise his voice before. It was actually quite scary.
"It seems like you're the one who wants sympathy," I said.
Nathan scoffed, "Whatever."
"How foolish of us to think that two broken souls could create a fixed whole. I guess a negative plus a negative only equals a positive in maths. And life is no maths problem." My voice was softer this time and I didn't dare look at Nathan for fear of being drawn in by those dark irises. I was mad at him and I was not going to be charmed by his foolish good looks.
"Yeah you're right. Life is not that easy. And we both have too many of our own issues to handle each others."
I remained quiet, not trusting my voice to say the right thing.
"I need to go, my shift at the sandwich shop starts soon."
And with a rustle of leaves and bushes, he was gone.
I remained beside the river. The wind blew my hair in all directions. I was no longer feeling the cold, instead I was feeling hot with anger. Anger towards my parents, anger towards Nathan, anger towards Dr Hector and even anger towards Bella, for leaving me alone in this rechard world. But most importantly I felt insurmountable anger towards myself. Because the more I thought about it, the more I realised - Nathan was right.
---
First couple fight!
Let me know what you think ;)
Also aneurysmal subarachnoid hemorrage is a real thing and it's so sad that Grace has it :(
Thank you to all my amazing readers who have supported this book since the beginning!
You all bring me happiness 💖
~ Aqeelah (@cosmic-thoughts)