The sky hasn't looked the same in a while. Being here feels so empty. So many people gone. I almost feel gone. We lost Lori, and that still hasn't completely sunk in with everyone in the group. It's a concept we cannot even grab, our minds do not accept it or comprehend it.
Grey, the cell walls were grey and cold, hard, solid, no place for a baby to grow up. "Little Ass kicker" as Daryl would call her. She is so strong to be a week old. She is so loud too. Screams started in the middle of the night giving me no fair warning and sending me into a panic. I shot up out of my bunk nearly slamming my skull into the bunk bed above me. I look over to the mail crate that had been converted into her bed. Her "bed" was shaking as she moved around, screaming and crying. I was shocked that she hadn't shook it enough to turn it over.
"I'm coming, I'm coming, shhh. Please honey, be quiet, everyone is trying to sleep." She didn't seem to care for my pleads and begging whispers.
My body was finally carried by my weak legs so I could swiftly lift the small infant from her uncomfortable "bed."
As soon as I was standing up with her in my arms she calmed and the screams that were once ringing throughout the cells were silent, only heavy breathing and tear stained cheeks. I carried her out of the dark condemning cell down the stairs and towards the place we ate our "Meals." I say it that way because there wasn't exactly enough food for us to have meals. I sat down on the cafeteria styled bench. I swayed with her in my arms to the tempo of a soft lullaby that I hummed, knowing it would help somewhat. She finally calmed her self back into a sleep.
"Anabelle, you can go back to sleep, I will take her upstairs when she is calm."
Carl. He hadn't spoken to me since Lori died. I think he blamed me. I didn't run fast enough. I didn't get Rick in time. From what Maggie tells me, Lori would have died in labor with or without daddy. Carl didn't see it that way. He still had hope that if my father had been there, his mother would have made it. Sadly that wasn't the case.
We locked eyes and the key was thrown away. I wanted to tear my gaze away, yet the look he gave me begged me to keep the eye contact.
"I'm fine," I told him, "She fell asleep, I can just take her back upstairs. "
I stood from my seat and moved towards the cell door separating the cafeteria from the cells. I brushed past him and felt comfort in the mere seconds his shoulder connected with mine. I felt comforted. As soon as it was there, it was gone.
"I'm sorry-" Was muttered behind me.
"Me too," I whispered back before making my way back to my cell, he didn't follow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When the pinks and oranges began to form in the sky, she woke up again. She wasn't as loud as before now that I had a few hours of sleep. I lifted her up in my arms and carried her down the stairs seeing Maggie in the "cafeteria.
"Geez ana, you sure know how to take care of her." Maggie gave me a toothy gin.
I feigned smile, "Now that were here, I suppose daddy won't let me out too much, might as well make myself useful in another way."
She frowned momentarily, then smiled as if she didn't want me to see it, "Yeah, I think he will try and keep you in here, away from all of that. "
"That's ridiculous ya' know? I lived out there for an entire winter with everyone. I know what I'm-"
Maggie cut me off, "We need you in here with her. You know that. You and beth."
"I may know that, but it doesn't mean I understand or want it to happen." By this time I had finished the baby's bottle and began to feet it to her. We weren't exactly stocked up for a baby, being on the road all winter, we didn't even have food for ourselves.
"Go sparingly, we still have to find somewhere to get more baby formula," Maggie told me with a frown.
I nodded in agreement and gave her a smile. We thought Lori would be here to give the baby milk. We were wrong.
"I think I'm going to make her a shirt out of one of my flannels," I watched her eat while speaking mindlessly to Maggie.
"I'm sure you could, and it would keep her comfortable," Maggie smiled and seemed happy I showed interest in something I did dos much when we still lived at the farm.
"Maggie," Carl was standing right where he stood last night looking at me more than he was looking at Maggie, "your dad needs you outside soon."
"Well, thank you Carl, why don't you help Ana take care of your sister for a little bit," she suggested and stood up. She left quickly after that, knowing it was never a good idea to leave our father waiting.
If looks could kill, Maggie would have dropped dead. Carl walked from the doorway to where I was sitting and sat next to me. He took his hat off and sat it on the table, "Anabelle, please talk to me. I'm sorry. I'm not in my right mind. My whole world has been turned upside down again!"
I tried not to laugh at him, I truly tried. I couldn't help it. He spoke so selfishly and this wasn't the little cowboy I had met that got shot. He was acting different, strange. "Carl, everyone's world was flipped upside down again. We are in a prison, with a new born baby, we all lost your mother," I wasn't talking loud for fear of waking up the calm baby in my arms.
The baby was done with her bottle and spit it out. I changed position and laid her over my shoulder with a rag under her face so she didn't spit up on my shirt, "And honestly, Carl, I know it's difficult." I stood in front of him to bounce the baby while talking to him, "We have to move on, we have to."
"I know." He watched me and looked at the baby in my arms, "I'm sorry for not talking to you, I'm just having a hard time with,-"
I shook my head and felt my tears well up, "Carl. You have to stop doing this to me, I didn't do anything wrong, I tried my best. I couldn't get to them fast enough. It's not my fault. At least I tried!"
The look he gave me was strange, like he wanted to apologize, but he couldn't allow himself to. His eyes were darker, "Anabelle, I-"
"No Carl, you're going to come up with another excuse. You're my best friend, but you need to accept what you did was wrong."
"I have apologized Anabelle,"
I shook my head, "Half assed with no purpose but to get me to forgive you easily."
The baby began to move around in my arms and Beth had come inside, "Anabelle, your shift with her is over, It's my turn."
Beth always came in at the right time to save the day.
"Great, we can spend some time together, " Carl said with a smile on his face.
Of course we had fence duty together. My brain told me to ask for something else, my heart told me that maybe us being near each other could fix our friendship.
I handed the baby over to Beth reluctantly. She smiled and looked at us, "You two better hurry up, daddy told me to get you out there quick."
"I'll be out there as soon as I get dressed." I muttered after the realization I had just woken up and hadn't yet changed out of the t-shirt and shorts I slept in.
Carl nodded and sauntered out of the room.
Hold your ground Anabelle, don't let him win. What he did was wrong. He needs to know that. Tell him.
Great, now my conscience was getting in on this.
The walk up to my cell was me fighting myself every step of the way. I'm not crazy, I think.
I grabbed my hair brush and began pulling it through the knots littering my hair. I changed into a loose thin shirt that made the blistering Georgia heat bearable and walked down to the main part of the cell block again. I see Glen and Maggie talking with each other and my father.
When they see me Maggie walks up to me and hugs me, "I'm going with Glen to get food for the baby, we will be back by night. "
I wanted to interject and stop her or something to make it so she didn't leave, but I didn't see that working so I was silent.
"Judith needs us, I need you to stay and take care of her."
Nodding was the most she was going to get out of me. This wasn't a good idea.