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When I jolted awake, it was still dark. I lay silent for a moment, forgetting where I was. Posters on the walls, messy floor, wood paneling – Nash’s room, I remembered. I could hear my own breathing, and I heard a faster paced breathing coming from next to me. Nash was awake, that much was obvious, from the way he was hunched over and his head was between his knees. I didn’t want him to know I was seeing him while he was vulnerable so I didn’t make a sound, other than trying to make my breathing seem deep and even as it would if I was asleep. He was panting, his hands clapped over his ears as if he had thoughts running through his head that he couldn’t take.
I longed to reach out to him, and tell him it’d be okay. I wanted to hold him and never let go. This made me scared. I didn’t want to be attached to anyone; it was easier being all alone. No one could hurt you, no feelings would get hurt. This is why I pushed any thoughts of me comforting Nash to the back of my head.
He uncovered his ears, and I caught a glimpse of his face. His lips were pressed together, his eyes squeezed shut. When I thought he was going to glance over at me, I shut my eyes, focusing on keeping my face calm and blank so it would look like I was sleeping. I could feel his eyes burning holes through me, and it made butterflies fill my stomach at the thought of him staring at me. I didn’t stop and think why this made me so giddy, instead, I focused on the fact that he was getting up from the bed.
He jostled me a bit, and paused, holding his breath. It seemed like he was worried I’d wake up. I made a big scene of moving my head to the side as if I was trying to get more comfortable in my sleep. Once he was satisfied that I wasn’t waking up, he closed his door behind him.
He left. He just left me in his room, all alone. I snapped open my eyes and looked at the clock. It was three in the morning. How did he even function in school with so little sleep?
My thoughts snapped back to the time in the field, when he told me he didn’t sleep. Is this what he meant? That he had night terrors, and finally, he had to drive around for hours… that had to be horrible; never fully sleeping, never fully awake, always trying to keep the thoughts away.
I still wasn’t fully over the fact that he could just so calmly leave me here alone, not even a note! Although, he probably was going to come back before I woke up.
I closed my eyes, snuggling deeper into his comforters, breathing in his smell. Nash smelled different than other guys. He didn’t smell like cologne, he smelt like trees and nature. I breathed in deeper, falling back asleep.
Hours later, I opened my eyes again to see early sunlight streaming through his small windows. It was early, that much I knew. His alarm clock flickered, and it showed that the time was five in the morning.
I groaned, I barely got any sleep. I rolled out of bed, noting that Nash was still not back, and it was indeed school this morning, and I had no way to get home to change, without Nash. Why did I come here last night? It was stupid. It was stupid of me to cry all over Nash, and let him hold me. It was going to bite me in the ass, eventually.
I tried to make myself look less sleep deprived by pulling my hair into a pony tail, and rubbing my puffy eyes a few times – but it didn’t work. I still looked like I had no sleep, and I didn’t know how Nash always looked so handsome, if he barely ever got sleep. I guessed his body was just used to having barely any sleep, and still functioning.
I felt weird walking around Nash’s house without him here, but what choice did I have, anyways? He wasn’t here, and it didn’t seem like he was returning anytime soon, so I might as well snoop a bit.
I felt guilty for some reason as I skimmed my eyes over pictures on the walls. It was like I was seeing a bit more into his life than he’d like me to. I bit my lip, looking down at the floor. I didn’t want to invade his privacy.
“Um,” a feminine voice interrupted my thoughts, their voice confused. I nearly jumped, but I saved myself the last minute, trying to gather my wits before turning to face whoever it was. I composed my face into a calm mask, and turned toward the middle aged woman with a polite expression on my face.
“Hello,” I murmured, feeling awkward. How weird it must be for this woman to wake up with a stranger in your hallway, “I’m Aria…Nash’s friend.”
“Oh,” she said with a strange coldness in her voice, her warm eyes turning icy. They were the same blue as Nash’s.
“Do you…maybe know where he is?” I asked hopefully, wanting to get out as soon as possible. I was assuming this woman was his mother, and I was not trying to meet the parents just yet. She pursed her lips, and I took that as a no.
“No,” she said with a tone that I detected as bitter, “I never know where that boy is.” She seemed like she was talking to herself rather than me.
“Oh…okay,” I said awkwardly, wanting to escape. Now.
I took this time to study Nash’s mother. She was a pretty woman, in her late forties, I assumed. She had Nash’s eyes, flawless pale skin, his dark brown hair, and eyelashes that touched her eyebrows. She seemed to be assessing me, by the way she was looking me up and down. I could tell my casual, even ragged clothes, didn’t meet her standards by the way she raised her eyebrows at my sweatpants.
I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling self-conscious. Okay, so I don’t dress in designer clothes like this lady, with her perfect nails and high heels, but what right does she have to judge me? No right at all.
“Well, goodbye, ma’am,” I said in a tone that could almost pass as rude. I didn’t like how her eyes turned cold at the mention of Nash’s name. I didn’t like that one bit.
She didn’t answer me as I walked down her staircase, trying to keep up the confident façade. It could only last so long, and I wasn’t going to let her see me crumble under her gaze.
When I walked into the kitchen, prepared to make an exit through their back door, it opened, almost hitting me right in the face. I jumped back just in time to see Nash slip in, his hair mussed and eyes baggy. I didn’t know why, but I liked seeing him look imperfect. It made him real, vulnerable. Not cold and indifferent like he sometimes could be. I hated that side of Nash.
Once I took a look at his cold blue eyes, I knew I’d lost whatever Nash was here last night. That thought was hard to swallow, but I managed to smile at him. He didn’t smile back.
“Do you need a ride home?” he asked in a calm voice. No, I need you to tell me what the hell makes you flip so quickly, I wanted to say, but I bit my tongue.
“Sure,” I answered him in a cool voice, which must’ve surprised him because he raised his eyebrows. I almost rolled my eyes. He’s not the only one who can play it cool and act like nothing happened.
Nash cleared his throat while we were driving, and I glanced over at him.
“So, I think we should, you know,” he seemed to have trouble picking which words to say, because he furrowed his eyebrows, “You know, keep this…casual.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked him. Keep what casual? Did we even have anything? I don’t know if I was ready to hear the answer to that, so I didn’t ask him.
He winced, “I don’t know. You make me nervous, Aria. There’s something about you that makes me want to tell you things I don’t tell other people,” he winced again as he said this, probably hating that he had just told me that. I almost smiled in satisfaction. I make him nervous?
“Well, okay…” I said slightly confused. So, he wants to keep it casual, this friendship/kissing each other occasionally relationship we have going on. That means no feelings. That means he doesn’t want anything other than a fling. I don’t know if I can keep him out of my heart. I pray I can, because I’m not sure how much more hurt my heart can take, and by one glance, anyone could tell that Nash is a heartbreaker.
“Alright, good,” he nodded. Like it was that simple. Just confirming that we weren’t going to make this a big deal, this whole game and talking and holding each other while we sleep, doesn’t mean any feelings will be squashed. I can’t deny the fact that when I think of Nash my heart races just a little faster.
He dropped me off, avoiding my eyes as he murmured a half-hearted goodbye. I felt my stomach twist that he could just forget about last night like it was nothing to him – and you know what? It probably was nothing to him, but to me, it meant a lot, and I couldn’t deny that.
* * * *
I walked down the hallways next to Anna, my brain feeling like mush after a night with barely any sleep. I could feel myself getting wearier each minute that passed.
“So what’s going on with you and Nash?” Anna murmured in a hushed voice, too quiet for anyone else to hear.
“Nothing,” I said to her. That was the truth. It had to be, because that’s how Nash wanted it.
“I’m your best friend Aria,” she said as if I didn’t already know this, “Tell me the truth.”
“Fine, truth is, he pisses me off most of the time, and I don’t really know what we are, and he doesn’t want anything between us,” I said to her, hiding my face by looking in my locker for books. The bell rang, signaling it was time for lunch. Anna waited by my side, fingering the bottom of her t-shirt. It reminded me of Nash. I cursed myself silently for thinking of him. Stop it! I wanted to scream, stop thinking about someone who’s not thinking about you!
“I think he’s full of shit,” Anna said, flipping her red hair over her shoulder, “You know that weird little game you guys play isn’t just a game,” she told me. I was beginning to think my best friend was a lot more observant than I gave her credit for.
I followed her to lunch, and we took our normal spots, and my eyes trailed over to the table that was considered the ‘popular’ table. I never paid much attention to it, unless I was waving Scott over, but now that I focused on it, I saw Nash sitting in the middle. He still had bags under his eyes. I wondered how I never noticed them before, until I saw that he didn’t sleep through most of the night. He looked uninterested in whatever people were saying, picking at his food. His mind seemed to be elsewhere, and I saw a girl I didn’t know sit next to him.
Jealously immediately flared up in me, and I didn’t want to know why. I didn’t like him. I haven’t known him that long. It’s not like he’s such a nice guy. Most of the time, he’s a cold asshole and I think he knows it. I gritted my teeth watching as he talked with her, smiling. So he could smile with other girls, and not be some crazy bipolar prick with them, but with me, it doesn’t matter!? No, I guess it doesn’t.
“I can practically see the smoke coming out of your ears, Aria, stop being so obvious,” Anna teased me, smiling at my jealousy. How could she see that so easily, but she could see Scott’s obvious love for her? I sighed. She was oblivious at the worst of times. I got up from my seat with a loud screech, wincing at the noise. When I looked up again, I saw Nash’s eyes on me. Pink filled my cheeks and I looked down. When I glanced back up, he had a small smirk on his face, like he knew something I didn’t. I hated that smirk, because it made me feel out of control and helpless.
I stared back at him, trying to figure out what game he was playing at. He pushed up his seat as well. As I walked out of the lunchroom, and he followed, I honestly can say I didn’t expect it. I didn’t expect that right as we got out in the empty hall, that he’d kiss me.
It confused me so much. Why was he messing with me like this? One minute he’s cold and turned off, and the other he’s warm and alive and he’s making my heart skitter in my chest. It wasn’t fair to me. He was making me think that I was the only girl he looked at, kissed, wanted… my thoughts got fuzzy as he kissed me.
Kissing Nash was definitely nice. He knew how to be soft and sweet, yet angry and passionate. Passionate kisses were the best. They meant the most. My stomach twisted. I hated those words ‘meant the most’ because I knew this couldn’t mean anything. It’s all a part of the game, right?
Anna’s words flashed through my mind, ‘that little game you guys play isn’t just a game’. I felt frustrated as we both pulled away for air. His lips were a breath away from mine. He was breathing raggedly.
“You can’t keep doing this to me,” I whispered.
He ignored me, kissing my lips again, and rubbing circles on my back, making me forget what I even said.
“Nash,” I tried again.
“Mmm,” he murmured, trying to distract me by toying with the hair at the nape of my neck, making me shiver. I held both his hands so he couldn’t make me helpless.
“Why do you kiss me and then act like you never did?” I asked him. His face was a mask, and I knew I’d hit a nerve.
“Because I like kissing you,” he said before kissing me again, and pulling me into his arms even closer.
“Not good enough,” I told him. I wanted a real answer. He groaned.
“Why do you have to make this difficult?” he said in a voice that sounded frustrated.
“Why do you have to make it sound so simple?” I argued.
“Because everything is easier when it’s simple,” he told me. He leaned down and I knew he was going to kiss me again by the way his hands cupped my face, so I held his face in my hands too and made him stay where he was.
“I can’t,” I told him softly.
His eyes snapped open. They looked hurt for a moment before it vanished. By the way the muscle in his jaw twitched angrily, I knew I hadn’t imagined the hurt in his eyes.
“Fine, then go.”
“Maybe you’re just scared,” I fired at him. I wanted him to know what it felt like to be yelled at.
“Scared?” he scoffed, “Not of you.”
“You’re terrified of me,” I challenged, “Because I make you admit things. I know more about you then you’d like me to know, and that scares you to death.”
He clenched his jaw. Maybe I’d said too much, but I was way passed caring. He couldn’t just kiss me, and then blow up at me. He was playing games with me, and he knew it.
“You don’t know a damn thing about me,” was his slow and angry reply before he stormed off in the other direction. I hurried to catch up to him, and I grabbed his wrist. He shook me off.
“You don’t let me in!” I yelled at him, “Why are you so afraid to let me in?” I asked him softly, my voice barely above a whisper.
“You don’t want to get involved with someone like me,” he said, whispering too.
“Friends. That’s all I’m asking for.” I said to him, being completely honest. I didn’t know why I was so drawn to him. I just knew I needed this broken boy in my life.
“Fine,” was his answer; his voice was cold, but I knew he was just trying to push me away.
“Okay,” I said. He still shoved his hands in his pocket and walked away from me, but not before brushing his fingers with mine and sending tingles down my spine. Did he do that on purpose? What was he playing at, exactly? I watched his back as he walked back into the lunchroom, his shoulders tense.
As I walked back into the lunchroom too, I saw him give me a secret smile that made my toes curl. It was the smile I knew he had just for me, which made me slightly giddy and slightly confused. I hated that he did these things, that seemed to un-friendlike, more like he wanted something more. But no, he didn't. Nash didn't want anything to do with me emotionally, and I didn't really blame him. I was a mess.
But, there was one thing I was sure of. He was going to trust me, one way or another, I was going to break down his walls. I knew the way to do it. The game. Never Have I Ever was the only way to get past the thick walls that Nash had built up inside him. That drinking game was my only hope in ever finding out what happened to make him so guarded, and I planned to find out.
So, I sent him my own secret smile, full of the promise that he was going to let me in, and soon. He stumbled on his words as he spoke to his friends, and I smiled to myself. That kiss meant something. I'd bet my life on it.