Blood on our hands
His head hurt. It was too tight. It was uncomfortable. He felt light. He could say that but all of those things would be lies. Well, part of that. Allen sighed for the umpteenth time that day as he stared at the long mirror in front of him. Everything had changed. It had been a few days sine he was told about the change to his position in the war and it was obvious that everything would have changed. He was scared. He was sure that he had just lost everything that was precious to him. In only a few weeks as well. Wasn't life just sweet. He sighed again staring at his left side which had left him feeling nauseous. He hadn't been allowed to leave the medical room for a check up, as well as have anyone visit him, which left him feeling like maybe no one actually cared. He would have to get used to that anyway.
No arm huh. That would take a while to get used to. It had already been five days and he still wasn't used to it. Although, he spent a whole day in a world that he couldn't escape from. He didn't even care anymore. ~Nothing made sense so nothing mattered. If he was to die today…so be it.
"You shouldn't have thoughts like that" Allen's eyes automatically narrowed. Like his life wasn't bad enough. Now he had to deal with this as well. He was basically tempted to beg the fourteenth…er…Neah, as he had been reminded, to just kill him already and end his misery. Once in a while he received snide comments that were not needed and one time he was suddenly pulled into that 'dream world', as he called it, because he refused to sleep. The only good thing was how…Neah…didn't exactly speak. He would just have to get used to the changes.
"Walker? Are you done?" Allen blinked. He sighed again then turned away from the mirror feeling the tale of his new beige coat flip behind him. He had forgotten that Link was still in the room. He nodded and bit his tongue as yet another painfully accurate smile formed on his face. How much he hated hat. How much he hated what Mana had done to him. Mana lied, everything was a damn lie. Now he was stained. Still, the smile remained on his face. He couldn't remove it. Mana's mask was sewn to his face.
It was sad. Even Link had to admit. Thing had really taken a drastic turn hadn't it. It was sad that he was still supervising the boy because without his innocence he could be more of a threat. He watched as the boy was released then given his finders coat to wear. That made it even more unfortunate. If an exorcist survived but lost their innocence, sure they would be dispatched but they would be given choices of returning home or remain working, but that was their choice. Him, he didn't have a choice. He was simply a pawn in the war.
Link gave a subtle yawn before dropping all the sheets of paper that he had been given to sign. With the swap he would have to work with the sudden switch from exorcist to finder he had to go over the work that finders were expected to do as that would be what he would be observing. That and that new Antonio kid. It was scary how much the boy was like Allen and not only with his appearance but surprisingly also with his personality. They both would put on a false faced but the difference that Link had noticed from his months of supervising was that Allen was hiding his pain while Antonio was just darker.
Nobody actually knew how bad Antonio really was and what his actual purpose for being there was. Not even Bookman.
It was both a blessing and curse that Levierrer trusted him.
Allen meekly smiled as he walked into the cafeteria silently attempting to ignore the way the it got dramatically quiet along with peoples stares. Still, him and no one said anything. He quietly made his way across the hall towards where one of his favourite people had always been. His smile didn't feel strong anymore as it felt like any more complications on his current state would make him shatter.
He had after all lost his left arm. The arm that had brought both misfortune and salvation into his life. Now he was left feeling unbalanced. The darkness in his life was overthrowing the light. There was no darker than black and no whiter than white. Everything was just…just…
Dull
Still. He was still alive (for now) and although everything had changed he would have to business. He was no more an exorcist and was currently 'handicapped' to put into better words. Truth be he didn't feel like he didn't fit in.
He knew it.
Still he would try. He had been alone for a long time, he wasn't going to give up now. Just because he had to be a finder didn't mean he still couldn't be useful. He wasn't going to let anyone put him down no matter how hard they tried. He could only be hurt if he allowed something to hurt him, right?
He was still going to be strong and fight.
As Allen walked up to the front where his favourite chef was he couldn't deny the way that something as simple as the thought of food, which should have been his favourite, was making him feel sick. Like an unseen weight was trying to crush him. When he reached the counter he couldn't help sighing in relief. Nothing attacked him and he managed to get there in one piece. It was too much to take.
Jerry was there looking less eccentric towards him than usual but he ignored that. At least till Jerry spoke.
"Yes Antonio how may I…" The chef stopped when he noticed Allen but the damage was already done. Allen had just felt his head drop.
Right, Antonio, how could he forget about his doppelganger. That made it easier for him to lose his appetite.
"Hi jerry" He replied but with less effort as he felt exhausted. He didn't want to be mistaken for that 'twin'. He felt fake.
"I'm sorry Allen. Its been a while…How's my…?" Jerry cheered losing his voice at the end. Allen just smiled understanding what he wanted to say. He wasn't an exorcist anymore and being mixed up with the guy that was the reason for that was…well…not helpful with his mental state.
With the finders responsibility he would lose so much as it was like he was being downgraded. He had already gotten the basics on the use of the equipment and responsibilities that he would need while working. All in all in a game of chess he was downgraded to a mere pawn where he would die upfront in the war. But hey, this was war right.
"Komui didn't tell you anything right?" Allen chuckled feeling his cheeks stretch into a fake grin. How he could still smile was a miracle. Mana really did a number on him. Still he grinned as if nothing was wrong.
"It's fine. I'll just have some off…" He subconsciously rubbed his stomach feeling more aware of his missing arm again. He wouldn't be able to eat as usual. Wow did this suck. Allen sighed before shaking it off. He deserved a treat. "I'll just have some mitarashi please" He whispered. The look on Jerry's face obviously suggested that he wanted to say something else but was to sad to. It was helpful. He just smiled weakly before scuffling further into the kitchen. Jerry then later returned with a stack of at least 10 dango's smother in the sweet sauce that he loved so much, along with a delicious warm smell wafting up his nose. It had indeed been a while.
"Eat as much as you can Allen" The man wandered before turning to another customer. Allen remained there a while longer just staring at the dish in front of him. He had to eat but the gooey sauce wasn't adding to his appetite like usual. It was tempting to throw it away and just go on an empty stomach.
When was the last time that he ate properly?
It was before he lost his innocence. He had to eat, now. But then he faced another dilemma.
Sit alone. Sit with the finders. It felt weird to feel like this. Deciding against the latter he managed to drag his feet to the table he usually sat, anyone complains, then he would move. At the moment he just wanted to attempt to dig into the spongy treat and have something nice to eat. His stomach even tried to agree but somehow failed horribly.
The dango was soft and spongy. Just as usual. Delicious that he was sure he was crying in bliss. So long. It had really been so long. Allen took another bite and mentally imagined that he was surrounded, but that thought quickly disappeared.
Allen mentally stopped as he recognised some voices. His head snapped to the direction of one of the doors and his dango's where quickly forgotten. Wasn't that Lavi? He didn't know whether he was happy or slightly scared but either way he put on a smile. He froze through as she recognised something that shut him down. He knew his eyes were wide and he felt like betrayal had been taken to a new level and etched itself in his heart. Wasn't that…Crown Clown. His oxygen supply suddenly seemed to run out. Of course that was crown clown. Even though it wasn't with him it gave of the same feeling. The same almost ominous buzzing of the innocence thriving to life. It gave of the same weight of its power.
The only difference was that it wasn't warm. It was freezing instead. As if the innocence was mocking him. Mocking how it wore him despite the fact that it took the shape for a cloak. Mocking how it used him and discarded him like a useless doll only to move onto the next one. That was what he was wasn't it? A doll.
Mad Puppet
Someone was talking again. The Noah. Neah, but he didn't hear.
As his friends rushed in he was simply left speechless and just hopelessly staring. He felt like he was behind a glass mirror where all he could do was watch as his friends continued happily but without him. While he watched some impostor filling his shoes. An impostor had taken everything from him and he was lost trapped behind unbreakable glass only able to helplessly watch.
Powerlessly watch.
So this was his new life. He just grimaced at the image. He was fading and would soon just disappear.
Kanda, Lenalee and Lavi had run to the short queue followed by his doppelganger as they each deactivated their innocence. It was funny how he didn't feel jealous in anyway. It was more like he wanted nothing but to get out of their. Like the fact of his existence was only going to make things worse. He felt like a bad omen from just existing.
Allen discreetly managed to stand up and stride to the corner of the hall where he could put his plate away. He was almost invisible.
Almost.
People still looked at him differently, warily. He wasn't welcome anymore.
He dropped his plate but kept the stick of dango that he had been trying to eat. He needed something to eat. Still his luck for the day hadn't gotten better. Someone had rushed passed him. The sudden human contact that he realised was also the first he had received ever since that time on the train a few months since he experienced the feeling of falling or being pulled very far and quickly. It was a familiar yet alien feeling.
He gasped at the air that was forced out of him yet again.
The space around him had suddenly felt heavy and cold. A putrid smell entering his nose as well. Like ash mixed in with blood. He was afraid to open his eyes.
When had he closed his eyes?
Hesitantly his eyes opened to slits but they widened almost immediately. This was the order and there was akuma and Noah's everywhere fighting exorcists. Another attack was taking place. Wasn't he just in the cafeteria. This was somewhere below ground. He felt sick and useless till he witnessed to things. His attention wasn't on the scientist whose contact had seemed to bring the guy to this place. Too this dream.
His eyes fixed one an image and he felt fear and worry completely paralyze him.
That was him. And Antonio. Crown Clown was activated but it was obvious that Antonio was unconscious and 'he' (the other him) was holding with his only arm while using his legs to support himself from falling with the 'exorcist' off of a ledge. He was trying to save the other look alike…
But he didn't need to…
Allen mind vaguely processed the information as it suddenly felt like everything was going in slow motion just to spite him.
Then he was falling… The other him was falling, and fast.
Everything seemed to go silent. He couldn't hear anything anymore except for himself muttering what was no doubt his final words. Then there was just a sickening thud.
A cold lifeless and unmerciful sound that just sent shudders throughout his body.
Even worse he could see his own face reflecting lifelessness towards him. His body directly in front of him like an lifeless corpse. And, now grey eyes cold, blank and reflecting a now soulless body.
He…just died?
There were many things Adam was contemplating. Many things that was on his mind. The title the earl surprisingly meant nothing to him. Not now anyway. He was, shockingly worried. Worried about his health when he of all beings did not need to worry about it.
Still, he was currently worrying. Those human feelings seemed to be trying to resurface and they only resurfaced when a Noah was awakening and they should have ended long ago. He had after all completed his collection. Just like prophesized each Noah had finally awakened.
Tryde, Joyd, Desires, Fiddler, Mercym, Road, Bondomu, Lustful and Mightra.
Each descendent had been revived but he would have to look for Wrath again.
Still, the emotions that he was suddenly suffering from was too strong and abnormal for it to be a link to another Noah. The emotions each Noah would have were different as if it was joyd he would be experiencing an unusual amount of pleasure from almost everything, even things that he hated.
And now, instead of feeling wrath for the other missing Noah, or other weak inner conflicts he was feeling a mass need for destruction. A painful surge of power that was in conflict with itself. He hadn't felt this feeling in a long time and he recognised it clearly. Recognised the fun yet he could feel the utter despair.
That only meant one thing. That his 'brother' must have somehow reawakened as well. And this time he wasn't going to let anything get in the way. Still, even the innocence seemed to have another idea but on similar lines.
He did steal a certain fragment of innocence that he kept and had not destroyed. It was just there next to his bed. Just sitting on his dresser. Just staring there at him. It was the only special shard of innocence that he couldn't bring himself to destroy. It wasn't the heart but it was like a memento for him with who had used it. White, not that green glow.
One of the few things that he would keep.
And he was the earl.
He stood staring at his reflection feeling his lips curling deathly evil. His eyes widen. This body. This appearance. He would use it again and again if he had to. For now…
He had planning to do.
Allen's eyes were wide open. He didn't know when he had 'returned' back to the order but he was frozen. He did. What were those things that he was seeing about himself,. Why was…What was those things that he was seeing. Was that the future. Last time that that happened to him he saw the future or something. Was that his future?
Was he going to die? Like that?
No
No
That couldn't be right? He couldn't die like that. He was meant to keep walking.
Before he knew it he felt tears rushing out of his eyes and his body shuddering in fear and terror. In absolute fear.
He was going to die.
Allen didn't know how long he had been standing there or how long he had been shivering but he didn't notice and bother to notice the people around him. The thing on his mind was now only about him. Forget his 'selfishness'. It was the one thing he feared. He feared witnessing that feeling again of just cold reaching out for him. He hated the feeling of just ceasing to exist. He still wanted to live.
You will live a long life Allen
"Allen- kun?" The voice was louder now but this time his brain functioned fast enough for him to hear it. His head snapped in the direction the voice came in and he immediately froze unsure of how to react. How could he react now anyway? He was feeling to much inner conflict. He was now basically fighting against himself unsure of what to do. Fighting because of confusion.
"Allen-kun" T he eagerness that he had heard previously in Lenalee's voice had been shattered. And why, because he had lost his innocence. Because he was handicapped. Because he was Wearing the finder uniform? Because he was crying. Because he was dying? Or because…they had replaced him and now to the world that he fought for,
Allen Walker would no longer exist.
He ignored he worried or shocked look. He ignored the way the hall seemed to get quieter. And he ignored the definite stares in his direction. It didn't even matter of how broken and fragile he look. It didn't matter that his faced had completely shattered. What mattered anyway.
He was going to die.
He gulped, turned and ran tears freely streaming from his eyes. He didn't want to be there didn't want to deal with all the 'fake' love. Didn't want to have to deal with anymore pain and he didn't want to be in the order since that was the place he would die. He just wanted to get out as fast as he could and escape with his life. Call him a coward, whatever. Fighting was easier but if he couldn't do that he felt expendable.
He needed a mission.
Lenalee was shocked but to say the least. Nobody knew what had just happened and nobody knew how to register it. Allen had…Allen had woken up. Why hadn't she been told anything. Why hadn't she been informed right away. Allen had woken up in the infirmary by himself. It didn't matter how long he was in a coma, she wanted to be there for when he woke up. Welcome him back. To be there despite all that he had suddenly lost. But no…
They weren't there for him. He was all alone.
She felt like she had betrayed him. Abandoned him. Abandoned his for the schizophrenic bastard that was his look alike.
They were nothing alike.
They were assigned to train him by Levierrier himself and out of fear for the man she complied but she felt disgusted by just being around him. He was off. Sick even. Most likely bipolar. He kept having side lapses, with which he obviously thought no one notice, where he would show a cruel nature to people he seemed just hate. Lavi, Kanda and even bookman noticed to. It also felt like Komui was hiding more than necessary information than her. She was honestly scared.
Everything was changing. She hated change. It never felt good. It always felt like more pain was just entering her life through change. More suffering.
But still. That face. Those tears. She had never seen Allen looking so vulnerable before. So…scared. It made her feel like she had replaced him, forgotten about him.
She felt like she had just willing broken a large piece of her own world and forced another one there.
The halls were unusually soothing and quiet and it helped. It really helped calm him down. That and the unusual singing in his head. It was almost voiceless but was warm and light as a whisper. Allen didn't know what to think of it at first but it was helpful. Relaxing. The fourteenth was singing. Neah was helping. For some reason the distant whisper in his voice was relieving him of all his worries and all his fears.
Tsunaida te wo kisu
He actually couldn't decipher what the words meant. Even though he could speak and understand many languages this was a distant one for him. A foreign one.
Allen stopped at the door he had reached and felt a warm dizzying wave pass throughout him and before he knew it he was wide awake…and calm. Like nothing was wrong.
'Thanks'
He breathed out before knocking.
Why wasn't he scared? And since when was he comfortable with having this…being existing within him?
"Yes come in"
Allen breathed a sigh. It didn't actual matter now for some reason. He should just get his new and first mission assignment.
The door opened warily but instead of meeting the normal tired feeling of the office he was met with more of a wary aura. And why?
Because sitting in this office wasn't only Komui but the infamous Levierrier.
Allen gulped. Of course his day wanted to Play and lose a bet against fate causing him more bad luck.
"Allen walker. We was just about to send Link over to collect you"
That akuma had to die. It had to be destroyed. It just kept coming back when things were getting interesting.
That was why 'his' innocence was acting up wasn't it. Because that Akuma had infected it with its virus. It was obvious. There was a large black star on the back of the white cape whenever it was activated. And his left arm would often feel itchy.
Unlike the demons arm when his innocence was being forced into use it wasn't black. Antonio's arm was normal but had a small cross on the back. He was stronger. And on top of that he still had his collection of antique items (weapons) that he could keep to fight. He would protect everyone, including his new 'family'. This time he would protect what he held dear from any akuma even if the appeared human to 'family'
Akuma were after all just demons in human skin.
"Wasn't I supposed to be charged with heresy?" Allen murmured. It was surprising yet both scary how calm the boy was. Komui gulped. He had tried everything. EVERYTHING. And still nothing. He just sat at his desk regretfully looking down at random sheets in front of him though his focus was on the conversation at hand.
He had already heard the reports but he couldn't do anything. He was outnumbered. They all were.
The way the corners of Levierrier's face tugged with a smirk made his blood boil.
"Yes walker, you were supposed to be trailed with heresy but due to the recent events we and the pope have reasons to believe that you are no longer in control. He himself issued an imperial order" The man snarked. Allen almost seemed lifeless with his response. Komui wanted to beg the younger boy to stop talking. To stop prolonging everything but it was hopeless.
"And what makes you think that?"
"From Links inspection and reports we have of course noticed you lack of energy and weakness that has slowly been overwhelming you. Along with the fact that you RE NOW practically deemed you useless you have no innocence to help you fight your Noah genes. You are practically a destructive time bomb just waiting to detonate."
At this Allen chuckle.
"Weren't you the ones that caused all this to happen?"
"We were simply doing what's best for the our side of this war. Pardon me for my curiosity but you don't seemed the least bit bothered by this news. I even baked a cake to calm you down as I expected you to be angry or emotional."
Komui finally looked up from his desk finding his eyes widen at Allen's expression. The boy that he had come to know over the past year. The boy that had come to be like his little brother looked like broken glass. So straight yet broken and damaged.
Allen looked dead. Like the living dead. A face that did not suit him. There was no expression at all. The boy didn't look helpless, sad or angry. He didn't look like he cared.
Was this really Allen?
"Allen-kun…"The man began but was cut off.
"Sorry that I'm to tired to entertain you but I don't feel like wasting my time anymore" The white haired teen said ignoring all the shocking occupants of the room.
"I would like to go on this last mission like you have said before my execution" He muttered before standing up. To say Levierrier was disappointed would have been a understatement but he hid it well. To say that Komui was in guilt wouldn't have been a lie. But both men didn't say a word. Komui albeit reluctantly handed the cursed boy a magnolia folder before slumping in his seat wallowing in a thick sea of guilt.
Allen walked out quietly followed by Link as usual then a few minutes later Levierrier seemed to have had enough and had left. Leaving the scientist in his now silent office.
Was it bad that he was crying instead of Allen? It felt weird.
15 Years. Only 15 years of age. He wouldn't even be allowed to enjoy his 16 birthday. He would die so young and not even be known as the hero who fought for others but as the enemy that was weak. No honour.
And Allen didn't even seem to care. Like he didn't have the energy to fight back. As if the strong valiant teen that never abandoned hope and always fought to the end, had given up.
Horrible.
With a sigh Komui hastily wiped his tears staring at Timcampy which almost had the same sadness in it.
Allen Walker.
Due to the situation the pope will be issuing an imperial order. As Allen Walker is no more an Exorcist and Valuable tool to our side of the war he shall be classified as a Noah.
And executed on Sunday the 18th of December
Killed just one week before his birthday.
And his blood would be on all their hands.