So... I gotta.. uh... think...
Chris pondered.
Think WHAT exactly??
He walked around. It felt as if he was inside a huge cloud.
That woman.... She leaves me hanging... All the fucking time...
He walked and walked and walked. The nothingness had no end, it seemed.
Great.... Just great...
He stopped.
Bring me inside my head, show me a few memories, and then just abandon me so, I can get lost and never find my way out... ever again...
Grey.
Everything was grey. Just grey. And the silence. Chris could almost hear his blood flowing. Or maybe it was just his tinnitus acting up. He started walking again, hoping that this time it would be different.
That woman....
Suddenly a thought hit him and he stopped in his tracks.
Hey... It's my mind... I should be able to control everything that happens here...
He looked around again and focused.
Mists... Clear up... Mists... Clear... MISTS... C--L--E--A--R....
Nothing happened.
Oh for God's sake, JUST FUCKING CLEAR UP....
Still nothing.
UGH....
Chris gave up. He tended to become frustrated when something didn't happen the way he planned it. His thoughts shifted towards Jonny. He began thinking of the good times they shared. Little things about Jonny, like his overwhelming obsession with neatness, his calm and cool voice, his guitar playing... All of this made Chris smile, even on the harshest day...
Chris blushed.
One such little thing, was Jonny's obsession with hats. Chris found it very annoying. Why would a man as handsome as Jonny need to wear hats to cover himself? He said that it was because of his thinning hair. Chris just couldn't see it. His hair wasn't thinning. Not at all. It was still as messy and as Jonny-like as it was in his twenties. Chris thought that Jonny felt insecure about himself. He didn't need to. He just had to be Jonny. Nobody else. He didn't have to be so introvert. Although his shyness was definitely his cutest trait, no doubt. But he didn't have to worry about his appearance so much. Chris often wondered how he ended up with a friend who was so opposed to him in nature. Almost as if they were the two opposite poles of a magnet. It had to be a universal mystery that brought them together. He never thought he would friends with someone of this sort, let alone fall in love. He blushed again, as he remembered Jonny's beautiful green eyes and their loving gaze. But in a moment, his stomach was in turns as he realised that he would never see Jonny again.
The mists started to clear.
What? What?? WHAT?? How?
Chris felt awkward.
Did thinking about Jonny clear the mists?
Chris didn't pay much attention to the surroundings.
Wow... My mind... Is awesome...
"Daddy...", a faint voice from far away shook Chris back to reality. He thought that it must have been his tinnitus, but the voice called out for a second time.
"Daddy..."
This time a chill ran down Chris' spine. He knew who it was.
No... they are not here... No...
"Daddy... where are you?", the voice called out for a third time.
Chris couldn't stand still anymore. He ran in the direction of the voice.
Why? Just why?
The mists cleared to reveal a dark landscape. It was night. The sky was cloudless and thousands of stars shone, brightly. It was beautiful. But Chris couldn't focus on it. His mind was trying to make sense of the voice he heard.
He realised that he was running through a forest. The darkness made it almost impossible to see. But somehow Chris made it without hitting anything.
"Daddy... please...", the voice felt closer.
"I am coming honey... I won't let anything happen to you...", Chris whispered to himself.
He came out of the forest to a glade. There were two children sitting on a river bank, playing with each. It took Chris no time, to recognise who they were.
Apple... Moses...
He couldn't move. He felt as if all the gravity in the whole universe was holding him down.
My children...
The kids looked beautiful playing in the calm, night landscape, with only the moonlight shining upon their faces, making their eyes shine brighter. Chris could stay there all his life, just watching his little ones play. It gave him more peace than he could ever imagine. Soon, the older one saw him standing near the trees.
"DADDY... DADDY, YOU ARE HERE...", She screamed, "COME YOU BONEHEAD, DADDY'S HERE"
She was obviously referring to her little brother. Chris laughed at his daughter's choice of language.
"DADDY... ", the little one screamed.
They both ran towards Chris at jet speed.
"Daddy, we missed you", said the girl, while holding on to Chris' legs giving him a kid hug. Chris bent down to give her a full fledged hug, while the boy jumped around them.
"Aw... I missed you princess ... Aw... I missed you both so terribly...", Chris managed to speak at last.
The girl let go.
"Don't ever leave us like that Daddy, and certainly not on Christmas eve...", the girl pouted.
"Daddy... ME, DADDY MEEE...", the boy screamed.
Chris laughed and hugged him as well.
"I missed you too, my little man... God you've grown handsome..."
He gave the cutest smile, that Chris could ever imagine.
"Daddy, where were you all this time...", he asked.
Chris winced.
"I was just... It doesn't matter... What matters is that I am here now...", Chris said.
"YAY", the girl screamed.
The little boy caught hold of Chris' right hand and dragged him towards the river bank.
"Daddy, you have to see this... Apple and I made a sandcastle...", he dragged Chris enthusiastically.
"Oh did you...", Chris laughed.
They finally reached the bank. There it was, the cutest sandcastle anyone could ever imagine. Sure, it had a broken window, sure, one side was slouching over, but to Chris... It was the most perfect thing he could ever imagine.
"Oh my God... Did you build this?", Chris asked in amusement.
The little boy nodded his head vigorously.
"Well, I refuse to believe it young man... Only a true architect could have built such a castle...", Chris said, playfully.
"Hey... I BUILT IT ALRIGHT...", the boy acted angry.
"Hey, Hey, I believe you now... When did you become so good in castle making?"
"Since you left us on Christmas eve, dad...", he said, sulking a little.
Chris got lost in his thoughts. He saw, how sad his son was. He felt as if he had forced his burden on his kids. He shouldn't have. He felt like the worst dad ever.
A few tears came down.
"HEY... I HELPED HIM BUILD IT DADDY", the girl screamed.
Chris quickly wiped the tears off.
"Aww, really... I know sweetheart... This castle is an expression of teamwork between you two kids...", he smiled.
The kids laughed too, before the boy took notice of his tears.
"Why are you crying, daddy?", he asked with true concern.
"I.. Uh...", Chris stammered.
The girl tried to shush the boy, but before she could, he spoke up again.
"Is it because you said you are gonna leave us forever, daddy?", he asked, while his eyes filled up.
His little one's words made a chill run through his whole body. Chris instinctively, hugged him and caressed his son's back.
"Why would you think that, honey... Why? How can I ever leave you both? You mean the world to me"
"A green eyed woman told us... That you were planning to leave us, forever.", the girl spoke. Now it was her turn to break down in tears.
Chris pulled her close. But a pang shot through his chest, when he realised that none of it was real. He didn't wanna believe it. He couldn't. But the rational part of his mind began nagging as to how he got hurt by believing his own imagination. He was reminded of the diner incident. His conscious rational self pushed him to believe that these two kids weren't his own. Just a shadowy equivalent of reality.
But it felt so real.
"Don't ever leave us, Daddy", the boy said between sobs.
"Yeah, dad... What will we ever do without you?", his daughter joined.
Chris' stomach was in turns. His heart felt heavier.
They are not real Chris... Don't do this to yourself... Don't do this to yourself again...
"I won't... I swear.... I won't", he finally spoke up.
Chris hugged them closer. They felt so real,
No I can't... I can't get hurt again...
Chris slowly pulled away.
"I will never leave you...", he said in a calm and reassuring tone.
A lump formed in his throat.
I am the worst father... ever...
He had tried to kill himself, knowing that he had responsibilities, not only for himself, but for his family, his friends, his band and certainly, his kids. He wasn't that same old confused bloke from the Amsterdam era. He had people to take care of. People who loved him and solely depended on him. He had ignored the two beautiful little blessings in his life. It was out of pure luck that Max didn't let him slit his wrists.
How could I ever....
No pain was greater than the pain of two amazing kids, who would never get to see their father ever again. Even if their father was a total pansy. They had done nothing wrong. Chris couldn't just punish his kids, because of an emotional breakdown. He needed to be strong.
But he couldn't punish himself as well.
"Well daddy... Since you aren't going anywhere... the green eyed woman asked us to take you to a certain place...", his daughter jumped.
"Oh really?", Chris smiled.
"Yeah dad... come on...", the boy started running, followed by the girl.
Chris laughed, and ran after them.
Well... It seems that the prodigal green eyed daughter didn't abandon me...
The three of exited the glade to enter a different section of the forest. Chris felt ecstatic, even though he had accepted that it was all his imagination. His son's little blue eyes gleamed in the moonlight, like two shining spheres of sapphire.
Oh yeah... He definitely got those from me... Not his mom...
"Here...", his daughter screamed and ran towards a cave.
"YEEEAAAAAAAH", the boy followed.
A cave? Not again...
"Kids... Oh God... Stop...", Chris tried his best to keep up with the two bundles of energy.
Both of the kids had already walked inside. Chris followed.
Dark... Again... UGH...
Chris slowed his pace. He could hear the kids giggle.
"UGH.... APPLE... MOSES...", Chris yelled.
"Here, daddy...", his son's voice whispered.
Chris ran further, to see a door. A door that was left ajar. Bright sunlight came in through the opening.
Moment of truth...
Chris pulled the door open and walked through.
The scenery changed.
The night landscape transformed into a busy daytime city. Judging by the number of people walking by, Chris guessed that it must have been rush hour. There were tall, huge skyscrapers, all around. Cars zoomed past. Chris looked at the big clock on top of a skyscraper.
It was 12:00 noon.
He looked around for a while in amusement, but in a second, recognition hit him.
Could it be that...
He gasped.
"Daddy, are you surprised?", his daughter asked.
Chris stood still.
"Well, don't be... Daddy... We welcome you to...", the little boy began.
"Tokyo, Japan...", Chris ended his sentence.
"OH YEAH...", his son screamed.
Chris stood unmoved.
Again... Maybe it's the hundredth time I am saying this... But my mind NEVER ceases to surprise me...