Taeyeon put the paper bag on the table and pulled out the content. When she woke up this morning, her usual breakfast wasn't set on the table. She wanted to knock Tiffany's door to ask her to get breakfast out but she thought that Tiffany probably was still fast asleep and tired to get out.
So she walked through the chilly wind to the nearest coffee shop to bought them food and coffee. Macchiato with extra caramel for Tiffany- that's how Tiffany liked her coffee. She chuckled at herself, remembering that one morning when the both of them was late and decided to take brunch at the same coffee shop. Tiffany had to back and forth several times to the counter asking for more caramel.
"I'm a sucker for caramel," she said that morning.
Taeyeon set the things she bought on the plate. It wasn't a pretty presentation but at least it was neat. It was actually felt nice to prepare breakfast for Tiffany. It was her first time, but Taeyeon wouldn't mind to do this again in the future.
"Okay, all set. Now lets practice our apology speech," she said to herself, "Fany-ah, I'm sorry for last night. That was rude and unnecessary and I'm sorry. I wont do that again and I'll make it up to you. Look! Breakfast!" She played act like Tiffany was there. "Okay, that is so lame." She scratched her head. "Let's try again." She cleared her throat. "Wait, you know what. I'm not going to do it again." She still spoke to herself.
When she was about to drag Tiffany out of bed, she heard the sound of opening door. She smiled to herself, hoping Tiffany would like what she did to her.
"Hey! Look I... Are you going somewhere?" Her wide smile changed into confused one at the time she saw Tiffany was fully clothed in Sunday morning.
"I don't deserve this." Tiffany started with already higher octave.
"What's with the yell? Of course you deserve this. I mean for everything that you have done to me."
"Yeah, you right. After what I've done to you, I done nothing but being nice to you. For God sake! Hell, Taeyeon, I don't deserve your behavior towards me!"
"Tiffany, it's just breakfast."
"What?"
"I brought us breakfast. I bought Macchiato with extra caramel for you. See? Your favorite? It is just breakfast, of course you deserve it." She said softly.
"I'm not talking about breakfast! God damn it, Taeyeon!" She yelled in high-pitched making Taeyeon flinched. "I'm done with you being bipolar! I don't deserve your behavior last night! I don't deserve to be your object to yell at or to get cold treatment by you anytime you pleased. All this time I've held it inside but it will not happen any longer. You say sorry then you do it again. I'm done with whatever this is!" Tiffany panted- ran out of her breath. She could heard the beats of her neck pulse, she could felt the palpitation in her chest.
Taeyeon stood there with mouth agape- speechless.
She wanted to say sorry. But she heard it herself, she said sorry then did it again. She realized that it was right, what Tiffany said was right.
She admitted that she rejected Tiffany so many times, she attempted to push her away and convinced herself she better off stay alone. But that didn't mean she didn't try. She tried, she tried really hard to be better- she thought she was getting better. Well, the fact was; she wasn't. Old habit die hard, they said.
She'd been with herself for years; she never let anyone in into her life as deep as Tiffany did. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough. Her effort wasn't enough.
And now, sorry won't make the situation different.
"I take it you wont eat with me, then?" She maintained her voice strong- nonchalantly.
"I can't believe you," the latter whispered bitterly. "You are unbelievable, Kim Taeyeon!" She screamed and stomped out of the room, slammed the front door with a bang.
Taeyeon sustained her body by the kitchen counter motionless. She bit her lower lips hard, stopping herself from doing something stupid.
She stood up straight, took the plate and the coffee with her. She trampled the trash bin and threw the food harshly.
*****
"You're awesome, Yul. Did you see her face?" Sunny said excitingly. "We're so on- on this."
"I rather not." Yuri mumbled. "What if it goes wrong, Sunny-ah?"
"Count me out. Taeyeon is scary you guys. She's literally going to kill you if she finds out." HyoYeon slurped her coffee.
"She won't. Besides, if she doesn't like her, not even a tiny bit, she wont be bother by it." The plastic surgeon reasoned.
"It doesn't make it any less scary."
"You saw her face that night, Soonkyu- ya. I'm sure she wanted to punch Yuri right that second. We're playing with fire here. Why wont you just leave her alone and let her decide what's best for her."
"We let her decide for herself too long, HyoYeon-ah. Look where it leads her? It's time for us to help her. She needs help. We can't use physical violence to knock some sense into her cause it's obvious she'll won and we'd be beaten up."
"Your plan will get us beaten up, too." Yuri sighed.
"Our," she stated sternly. "Our plan will work. I promise. Besides, I don't ask you to like Tiffany for real. Just show your affection towards her, flirting a little, make Taeyeon jealous of you. And if our hypothesis is right, you wouldn't have so much work to do. Taeyeon is the type of person who is easily provoked if it's involve something she cares about."
"Then why don't you do it?" Yuri was irritated by Sunny.
"Hyomin would kill me faster than Taeyeon would."
"What? Are you dating her now?" Hyoyeon choked her sandwich.
"Exclusively." Sunny grinned proudly.
"Wow that's fast," Yuri commented. "You just know about that a few days ago."
"I'm not young anymore, Yul. Hyoyeon is going to get married next year. I want to settle down, too. She's been there for as long as I could remember. So I thought, why should I wait much longer?"
"So I'm the only one left single, then?"
"YoonA doesn't have a boyfriend or a girlfriend too." Hyoyeon patted her shoulder.
"Are you suggesting me to date my own sister? Eww, that is so wrong." Yuri pretended to gag.
"No, you idiot! I'm saying you're not alone." She smacked the back of the tan doctor's head. "By the way, when will YoonA come back?"
"Her fellowship is already over. She's taking care of paperwork right now then she'll be here. Probably a month or less."
"Yeah well, YoonA doesn't have a partner in Florida. Once she's back, she's going to have one." Sunny laughed.
"What are you talking about?" The anesthesiologist asked.
"I suggest you to quit your crossword and listen to gossip when you're in surgery," Sunny tidied up her scrubs. "She's approaching SeoHyun."
"Really?"
"Yep."
"Ah!" Yuri slapped her own forehead. "My problem list with Taeyeon will only get longer." She grimaced at the thought.
"Let her go, Yul. There are three of you in General Department. Taeyeon would be all alone once Doctor Park retires. WonBin is great, you can take him."
"Fine! The things I sacrifice for my so-called best friend. If she end up kill me, I'll kill her back."
The three of friends walked out of attending lounge.
*****
"Mr. Song, 56 y.o., diagnosed with giant coronary artery aneurysms. We're going to perform Resection of coronary artery aneurysm with CABG." The nurse read the patient's chart. "Attending surgeon?"
"Kim Taeyeon," she answered.
"Resident surgeon?"
"Seo JuHyun."
"Im Suhoo."
"Jung SeoYoon."
"Anesthesiologist?"
"Park Junhyoon."
"Is there any special preparation for this patient?"
"Patient with ASA II due to hypertension, we prepare four bag of WBC."
"Okay, you can start the surgery, doctor."
"Thank you. Scalpel, please." Taeyeon asked the instrument. He gave her the blade. She was ready to cut when she remembered Tiffany's word. Give her chance to be brave.
"Dr. Seo," she offered the scalpel.
"Excuse me?"
"I plan not to touch a single drop of blood today, can you do the favor for me?"
"Are you saying?" She asked confusedly. "Dr. Kim, it's really last minutes," she said unsurely.
"Are you not prepared?"
"No, I'm just saying- I mean, really?"
"What if there's bleeding?"
"I'll find the bleeding sources and ligated it."
"What about the fistula."
"I'll close them up."
"Do it."
"Dr. Kim, I-"
"It's now or never, your choice."
SeoHyun sighed inwardly. "I'll do it."
*****
Tiffany cleaned her desk from the documents. She divided the most important and the less important into different boxes and the one that had no business with her anymore- went to the trashcan. She actually didn't have to do that but she needed to keep her mind busy. She didn't want unnecessary thing cross her brain.
Like Taeyeon for example.
The knocked on her door caused her to looked up.
"Come in," she shouted.
The door cracked open revealed SooYoung as she walked in with a donut in her hand.
"Hey, Tiff. What are you doing?" Sooyoung gazed at the boxes curiously. "You're not quit, aren't you?"
"Where do you even get that idea, SooYoung-ah? I just... you know spruced up a bit. It's been a long time since I did it."
"Oh, okay. I actually came here to talk to you." She said solemnly. She sat at the couch- biting her last piece of donut. "How've you been?"
"I'm good, why?" Tiffany was confused.
"You look... I don't know diverted recently, so a penny for your thoughts?"
"My thoughts worth millions of dollar, Sooyoung-ah." She chuckled but completely avoiding eye contact with the shikshin.
"I'm serious."
Tiffany stared at her hands contemplating whether she'd talk to her about it. But then she realized, was there even thing to talked about? If there was, how she conveyed to her without mistaken what she meant? Her head hurt just to think about that.
"Tiff, Jess is not here. It's okay if you want to talk." Knowing her best friend very much, Sooyoung could see the hesitation. Jessica was her best friend too, but she often communicated her opinion in this case with too much fiery she sometimes made Tiffany uneasy.
"What do you-"
"Now... now, how long been I know the both of you?"
"It just feels like I-"
"You don't. Sometimes your best friend seems like they don't get you when all they trying to do is to protect you. Jessica loves you, Tiff. She doesn't get it because she believes you deserve better, I do too. The difference is I'm willing to hear you out without sighing or yelling or something like that to knock some sense into you. Jessica and I have different way to speak our point of view. Now talk to me, please?" She said softly.
"I don't know what to talk about. And I'm telling you the truth," Tiffany picked up a box and put it inside the large closet at the corner of the room.
"Well, how the progress between you and Taeyeon?"
"I don't get her, like literally don't get her." She shrugged. "I don't get her why she act like she's okay one minute then do the complete opposite of it the next after. I don't get it why one second it seems like she care then makes me feel like I don't even exist though I stand right in front of her. She's crazy, I'm telling you." Tiffany snorted irritated.
"So... is it safe to say that she's the one whom occupied your mind lately?" Sooyoung said cautiously.
"What? No! What are you talking about? Why would I think about her when she clearly doesn't even bother to think about me!"
"Who knows what she thinks?"
"Well I do. She doesn't call when I don't call, she doesn't text when I don't, she do nothing when I ignore her. I can't believe such that person live." By the time passed by, Tiffany more and more revealed what disturbed her.
"Then why do you stay with her?"
"You understand why, Sooyoung-ah."
"No, I don't. I know why but I don't understand."
"Sooyoung-ah, not you too." She sighed tiredly.
"Look, Tiff, I'm not going to nag you about this, okay? I know the reason. You don't want to disappoint your parents because you love them but what about you? Do you think about you other than you scared that people may leave you once they know?"
Tiffany stopped what she was doing for a moment; she shook her head then continued again.
"You are beautiful, Tiff. Everyone is willing to stand in line for you. All you have to do-"
"Yeah, they're willing when they know nothing." Her voice cracked- tears finally falling to her cheek.
"Tiff..." Sooyoung stood up and walked towards her. She took the box from the latter hands and pulled her into tight hug. The girl looked so vulnerable in her arms.
I swear to God if that shorty hurt you in anyway, I'll crush her to the bone!
*****
It's been a few days since they saw each other. Tiffany gone before Taeyeon awake and she slept before the other came home- or she wasn't sleep but didn't go outside of her room either. There was no text messages, no phone call, none.
Taeyeon hated it that she must ate alone, she hated it she had to go to work without saying goodbye to her, she hated come home without Tiffany waiting for her.
She hated not having Tiffany around. At the same time she hated it she wasn't able to apologize and made it up to her.
She had a lot in her mind and the issue with Tiffany made it all worse.
Often she wanted to knock on her door or call or text her but she just cant do that. What if se re-do what she did? She wasn't sure about herself- or what Tiffany to her for that matter.
"Okay, drop it Taeyeon. What the heck happen?"
"Nothing."
"I dont buy bull."
"...."
"You've been moping around for weeks now and you think I don't see the board schedule? Four- five surgeries for a day, are you insane? We hardly see you recently. What is it?" Sunny pressed again.
"Nothing, mind your own business." She snapped.
"Something bothering you?"
"Wow, you really are stupid." She said sarcastically. "I said nothing."
"And you're a jerk who happen to be jerkier when you had something bugged you." Sunny spoke, unaffectionate.
Taeyeon threw herself on the couch and took a sip form her cup. She gulped the water and let the cold slipped down to her throat.
"In a few days, it'll be three years since he's gone." She said quietly.
"Oh... you're right. So you've been thinking about that?" Taeyeon nodded. "I miss him too, you know. We all do."
Taeyeon kept silent.
"It's gonna be alright, Taeyeon-ah. You have to let him go. He's happy now."
"Well yeah, easy for you to say. You're not the one who witness it." Taeyeon spoke absentmindedly.
"I'm sorry. But it'll be okay, Taeyeon. It'll be okay." Sunny patted her back understandingly.
*****
Taeyeon came home that night greeted by the stillness like the other night recently. She went straight to her office without removing her shoes.
She opened a blue carton box and drew out a certain frame photo. It was taken few years back; the photo of them and Kim Heecul together in front of their University monument. It was their graduation day. She was grinning proudly towards the camera. It was the day the world acknowledged her as a doctor, all her hard work paid off. YoonA wasn't graduate yet, she was at her last year meanwhile and Kim Heecul skipped his work at hospital to come to the event.
They were all close.
The key was- were. Because there was no more Kim Heecul. She missed the brother she never had. She stopped herself from crying then put the frame back to its place.
The sadness overflowing her.
"Damn you," she whispered broken-heartedly.
*****
*Flashback*
"If you're ever going to back home, what would you do?"
"We. We're going back together."
"Kay, what will you do?"
"I don't know. You?"
"First off, I'll resign. Then maybe I'd go somewhere."
"What about me? Don't you want me to go too?"
"Fine, you can come."
xxx
"Hey, you sleep?"
"No."
"What are you doing?"
"Thinking."
"About?"
"Things."
"You think they'll find us?"
"I don't know."
"You're so gloomy. Lighten up!"
"You're so noisy"
"Will you promise me something?"
"Name it."
"Please be happy."
xxx
"I'm still starving."
"Here, eat mine."
"No, you need that."
"I'm okay. Come on take it. I have some more, I took it from our neighbor yesterday."
"How?"
"Don't ask, just eat."
"Thanks."
xxx
"Tell me something."
"About what?"
"I don't know."
"You're delusional."
"It is a possibility. Maybe when I wake up, this is all just a dream."
"This is reality."
"Don't burst up my bubble, oppa."
xxx
"What time is it?"
"I can't even see the sun light. No clue if it's day or night."
"...."
"What is it that taking them so long?"
"Maybe they're not looking for us."
"No! They'll going to find us. I'm sure of it."
"When?"
"I don't know but we need to keep the hope alive."
"Don't wanna anymore."
xxx
"Taeyeon, wake up!"
"Hmm... why?"
"They took our neighbor out."
"What? Why?"
"I don't know. He's not here when I wake up."
"Did they kill him?"
"...."
"Heecul oppa?"
"Please promise me one thing."
"You worried me."
"Please?"
"Fine."
"Whatever happen, I'll protect you. You understand?"
"Okay."
"If you have to leave without me, you do it. Understand?"
"No!"
"You promise!"
"You can't make me do that! I'd rather die with you!"
"We can't surrender to them, Taeyeon-ah. You know that. You have great life ahead of you. I will not let you hurt. I will protect you so let me. Promise me."
"...."
"Taeyeon..."
"You can't make me do this."
"Please. Promise me. Let me feel good about myself once. Let me save you."
"...."
"If you really love me then do it. Live for me. Be happy for me. Please. I wouldn't take no as an answer."
"Fine."
"Swear it on your grandma's grave."
"Why does my grandma have anything to do with this?"
"You love her you wouldn't dare to break it."
"I hate you."
Still fresh on her mind how those villains ruthlessly took Heecul away from her. She pleaded, begging them to release him. She received hard slap on her face for it but she was numb. She didn't care as long as they give him back to her. She struggled to get loose from the iron fence as she reached for the brunette guy who scrounged at her to shut up. Heecul shook his head hardly at her. He was scared- he begged her to stay safe, to let him go otherwise he wouldn't be able to forgive himself by failed her.
She infringed her promise, and she got a lot of reward from the insult that came out through her mouth.
*end of flashback*
Taeyeon increased her respiratory system to catch all the oxygen that had been sucked out from her lungs. She snapped open her eyes as the dark welcoming her pupil to dilate. She was panting really hard; it felt like no matter how much air she inhaled, it couldn't fill her alveolus effectively. Her whole body was shaking; she could sensed her bed jolting smoothly at the motion. Her sweat glands worked overactive; it caused her sheet swamp by her sweats, her pajamas was moistened. Her hand shuddered she find it hard to clasped some of the sheet to hold on to.
*****
She stared sternly at the gravestone.
"I dream about it again last night. That's why I come here. Is that your way to tell me you're missing me? You should've came with another scene. That one makes me lose my mind. Damn you, punk." She said bitterly. Big knot obstructed her throat as she tried to swallow them.
She missed him so bad and she was still struggling to let him go.
She didn't cry. She just leaned by the stone as she playing the white roses she brought for him.
"You promised me a lot of things, remember?" The wind swirled over her like it tried to conveyed her that he was listening. "I told you not to make any if you could never fulfill," she continued. "Who's going to take me to that Mount Everest?" She shook her head. "You said you're going to take me to Africa and feed the Lions." she scoffed.
"You know why I brought you this very same white roses every time I visit? Because you said you wanted a white wedding with white rosses," she retracted one by one of its thorn careless about the little bleeding on her fingertips, "I tell you this cause I know you couldn't hear me, your ears are probably eaten by worms or something." She sighed. "You'll look really good in your wedding, Oppa. I'm sorry I used called you ugly, but really, you're pretty handsome." She chuckled. "Talk about wedding," she cleared her throat. "Mom and dad matched me with this girl. Her name is Tiffany. The term is not really good right now- we fight, because of me." She whispered the last part. "I don't know what to do, Oppa. What should I do? Sigh... you probably as clueless as me. We're both suck on love field, aren't we?" She laughed by herself.
"She's beautiful, Oppa. She's so beautiful, she's flawless." Taeyeon nodded to herself. "I'm sure you'll like her. You know what? I freak out the first time I realize it. I take years to build my wall, Oppa and she breaks it within months. Can you believe it? I'm kind of afraid she'd leave me and find someone better, Oppa. But at the same time I'm scared to take a chance with her. Why am I weird like that? I'm stupid and a jerk and arrogant and- and I'm a coward. What should I do to make things right?" She asked. "You don't know too, don't you?" She mocked him.
"Whatever. I'll think of something. I should go back to hospital, Oppa. Thank you for listening. I'm sorry I couldn't stop the worm from eating you. I'll take Tiffany here someday- if I able to. Bye, Oppa."
*****
Taeyeon opened the conference room slowly and adjusted her lab coat as she sat beside Sunny.
"Where's Yul?" She muttered lowly. The journal presentation was still on going and it wasn't respectful to chatter loudly.
"Out. I don't know where," Sunny replied. "Where were you?"
"Visiting oppa," she said nonchalantly.
"You okay?"
"Why wouldn't I be?"
"Lets talk later." Sunny finished the conversation and the both of them concentrate to the event.
It was past lunch time when the presentation done. Taeyeon wasn't hungry anymore. She ate too much snack prepared by the department. She checked her phone a bit hoping there was a message from the person she was longing for.
Of course there was none.
"Sunny-ah, what are you doing?" She raised her brow at her.
"This bread is really good. I'm saving it." She said like it wasn't a big deal.
"You're embarrassing, you know that?" She snorted to her friend.
"Whatever. Don't come to me and ask some later." Sunny dismissed her.
The two surgeons walked side by side at the Surgical Department aisle to the attending lounge. One of them occupied with the bread she stole earlier and the other engaged with her own mind.
"I thought we'd visit him together this weekend?" Sunny walked pass through Taeyeon- who was the one opened the door.
"I dream of him last night, so..."
"You okay?"
"I'm okay, I don't have a reason to not to be okay."
Who are you kidding? You have a valid reason to not to be okay, you moron. Her brain mocked her.
"What are you doing with him?" Sunny poured some coke to her glass. "Want some?" She offered the latter.
Taeyeon shook her head. "Just water please."
Sunny gave her the order and settled at the chair in front of Taeyeon.
"So?"
"We're just talking," she gulped the liquid. "Well, I talk- he's dead."
"Are you dream of-"
"Yeah, that one." She finished the water earning a worried gaze from Sunny. "I'm okay, shorty. Look at me, I'm not drunk, I'm not being a human wreck. I'm right here, still trying but I guess I'm getting better. It's time to let it go." She smiled, attempted to look tough.
"You changed a lot, for the better." Sunny nodded approvingly. "I'm proud of you, Taeyeon-ah."
"Thanks," she laughed.
"What about Tiffany?"
"What about her?"
"How is it going?" Sunny rolled her eyes.
"I'm working on it."
"On what? On making it work or on working to not work it out?"
"I honestly don't know, Soonkyu-ya. What do you think about her?"
"She's perfect for you. Much better than the one you almost proposed." She said cold-heartedly.
Taeyeon groaned loudly. "Must you really bring her up?"
"You ask for my opinion," she shrugged. "It's just my opinion but... go for it, Taeyeon-ah. It doesn't matter if in the end you don't end up with each other. Because at least you try, you're not going to sit around and wonder about what-ifs."
"You right," she sighed. "Maybe I should try. I will try."
"Hey folks!" Yuri shouted happily as she abruptly entered the room with a box of famous pastry shop printed on it, she used too much perfume that spread through the room.
"Were you on date or what?" Taeyeon laughed as she stood up to fill the water again.
"What are you talking about? I wasn't on date." Yuri putted the box in the fridge. "I was having lunch with Tiffany."
Taeyeon burst out all the water that was just getting into her mouth. She coughed severely. Sunny who was the closest to her helped her to pat her back.
"You okay, Taeyeon-ah?" Yuri asked in concern.
"You had lunch with her?" Sunny put Taeyeon's glass on the table.
"Yeah, couple times."
"Just the two of you?"
"Today just the two of us, the others can't join."
Taeyeon raised her hand to the tan girl prevent her from getting closer.
"You what?" Anger starting to rise up in her chest.
"What?" Yuri asked innocently.
"You meet her behind my back?!" Taeyeon shouted.
"She didn't tell you?" Yuri asked bewildered.
"I can't believe you did this to me!" She was still shouting.
"Guys, can we talk like normal people do?" Sunny was starting to panic.
"Can you stop acting like accusing me doing something completely wrong to you?" Yuri increased her voice too. "It was just lunch between two friends."
"I know you have some hidden agenda." Taeyeon scoff sarcastically.
"Are you being serious right now?!"
"Yeah! And to think you're my best friend-"
"You're going to stop right there, Kim Taeyeon." Yuri said sternly. "Do you even hear yourself? Are you lost your mind?!"
"You tell me. I never feel so betrayed in my entire life!"
"Wow, you really are a jerk. I can't believe Tiffany is willing to deal with you."
"You're her fans now?!"
"What if I am? She's a good woman, Taeyeon. She's beautiful, she's kind, she has all a person could ever ask. You know what? Maybe you do better off alone. No sane person would ever stick with you!"
"Yul!" Sunny shouted with shock.
The furious expression on Taeyeon's face slowly changed into empty one.
"Taeyeon-ah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I-"
Only god knew how long the room was fill with quietness until Taeyeon slowly dragged her numb feet out of the room. She literally pushed Sunny when she tried to stop her.
"What the hell, Yul? That was totally uncalled for!" Sunny yelled at her friend as she caressed her head.
"I said I'm sorry! Why is everyone on my case!" Yuri shouted back. She was done to be the one who got all the blame.
"She said she wanted to try, Yul. She said she'd work on it." Sunny sighed, regretting all that happened.
She said she'll try.