Three years prior.
* * *
"I cannot believe you, all you care about is yourself," Hayden screamed, throwing down her briefcase. "I ask you to do one thing, one thing, and you can't even deliver."
"Forgive me for not wanting to be your bitch," I yelled back.
Ever since Hayden got promoted, the dynamic in our household has greatly changed. She's working longer hours, and making more money. Her duties at work have increases, causing her duties at home to decrease. As pathetic as it seems, I feel like every day she's stealing a little more of my masculinity.
"I can't do it all, Chase, I can't. We're a team, we're supposed to help each other out," she shrieked. "You can't even help out around the house."
"Maybe I don't want to help out around the house," I rebutted. "Maybe, for once, I want to call the shots."
"When you start making money, then you can call the shots, but all you do is sit on your ass and write . . . newsflash, in this economy, that's not going to cut it. So I have carry the load for the both of us, because you refuse to get a job."
I slammed my fists down on the coffee table. "You know I want to, but unlike you, I didn't get a degree in something that opens a lot of doors."
"Well, who's fault is that?" She crossed her arms, and glared at me, her chocolate eyes filled with tears.
"How do you think I feel? Knowing that I can't provide for my wife, that I can't take care of you. How do you think I look at myself? I'm a failure, I'm a failure of a husband."
She burst into sobs. Obviously, I had grazed a soft spot.
"That's not true . . . that's not true."
"You damn well know it is, Hayden, I know you're thinking it."
She collapsed on the couch, and threw up her hands. "So, what if I am? What if I'm tired of being let down by you, time and time again. This isn't how I wanted us to be, this isn't how we should be."
I shook my head at her, and sighed. "So then, let's fix it."
"I don't know if we can . . ."
"Goddammit," I bellowed. "Don't say that. Don't give up on me again."
"How can I not? It never gets better. We keep trying, and we keep failing. What's the point anymore?"
"What's the point? How can you say that? Don't you love me? Isn't that enough?"
She bit down on her lip, and let the tears fall from her eyes. "Maybe not . . . maybe not anymore."
"You can't do this Hayden, you can't just put me on this roller coaster and act like it won't hurt me."
She rose up to her feet, and stared right at me. "Oh, so it's okay for you to hurt me, but not okay for me to hurt you," she cried. "Whatever, Chase, I see how it is. I'm done, with you, with this. I don't need this shit," she spat, before stomping to our bedroom and slamming the door.
"Fuck you," I screamed in response, as I grabbed my coat and headed out the door.
Once I was out on the street, I headed for the closest pay phone. I just needed somebody to listen.
Feeding the phone two quarters, I called up the only person I knew would be there for me.
"Hello?"
"Penelope, hey, it's Chase . . ." I sighed, and leaned against the glass wall. "Look, I really need you right now. Can I come over?"
I heard hear hold her breath, the sharply exhale. "You know where I live . . . I'll see you soon."
Hailing a taxi, I headed for Upper West Side. I tried to keep my composure, as I closed my eyes and took deep breaths. But I felt like my world was crashing down and my soul was cracking. How could Hayden do this to me? Just act like she didn't care anymore, didn't want to care . . . She was my everything, and I was her nothing. The many years we had spent together was nothing more than a spec of dust to her.
After forever and a day, I finally found myself standing outside on the sidewalk, in front of Penelope's apartment. She buzzed me in, and I made my way up to her apartment. Her door was unlocked, so I let myself in.
Her apartment was dark, dimly lit by only a few store bought candles. But Penelope was nowhere to be found.
"Penelope?"
"I'm in here," she called out from down the hall.
"Where?" I responded, taking a few staggering steps.
"Here," she replied, just follow my voice.
I followed it to a closed door next to her bedroom. I knocked twice.
"Just a second," she quickly answered. I heard water splashing around, then soaked feet slapping the floor. Penelope, covered in only a small bath towel, answered the. The tips of her shoulder length blonde bob were wet. "Hey."
"I'm sorry," I apologized, forcing my eyes to stay on her face. "Did I interrupt something? I could wait . . . "
She shook her damp hair, spritzing me with droplets. "No, no, no, never a better time," she replied modestly, pushing past me. "Come with me. You can tell me what happened while I get dressed."
I watched her strut towards her bedroom. A strange, unnerving feeling rested in the pit of my stomach. Something wasn't right . . .
Reluctantly, I followed her into the bedroom. Just like the rest of her apartment, the bedroom lacked illumination. When my eyes had adjusted to the darkness, they saw a small, well-kept room. I couldn't make out the details, just figures; the bed, the nightstand, the dresser.
"Make yourself comfortable," she called from her walk-in closet, where she must have been changing. I slowly lowered myself onto her bed, and kept my eyes on the floor. "So, what happened?"
"Hayden . . ." I muttered, afraid to go on. It hurt too much to think about, and quite frankly, I didn't want Penelope to see a grown man cry.
"What about her?"
"She's done . . . she said she's done," I trembled, trying to hold back.
Penelope poked her head out of the closet to look at me. "Are you sure? Chase, what happened? What are you talking about?"
"We had a fight . . ."
She came out of her closet, in nothing but a silk robe. "So? Couples fight all the time."
"No this was different . . . I don't know why, it just was. It felt different. She said some things, and she always says some things that hurt, but this time . . . I just had a feeling she meant it . . . every word," I mumbled, feeling my eyes well up
Penelope studied me long and hard. I knew she liked me, so she always looked at me with love in her eyes. But she showed more than just infatuation; she showed compassion, she showed cared.
"You really love her, don't you?"
I nodded. "More than anything."
"Sometimes, love really stinks," she concluded. "And sometimes, it really hurts, and most times, it's not worth it. This isn't the first time you guys have had issues. I'm known you guys only for a few years now, but I can say that with complete certainty. I've seen it from the outside, taken care of both of you. I think she's usually the one who's wrong. She's not good to you the way you are to her. If she's going treat you like shit, then she's not worth it."
"It's not that easy . . . I can't just forget her and feel nothing. But you're right . . ."
She shrugged. "I'm not saying it's going to happen over night, I mean of course it's going to take time, but if you want to, then you can make it happen."
"Sometimes, I really think the same way. Maybe my life would be easier without her in it."
Penelope smirked a little. "Exactly . . . see, now you're starting to get it. Nobody should make you feel like this, you're so much better than that. You deserve better."
I rested my hand on her thigh. "Thanks Penelope . . . for this. I don't know what I'd do without you."
"Aw, shucks, I'm just glad to help . . . I just hate to see you like this," she meekly smiled.
Her dark eyes glittered in the light from the moon that came through her window. She was stunning, she was kind, she was loyal . . . but she wasn't Hayden.
"You're going to make a guy really happy one day, you know that, right?"
She sighed. "I know . . . I just wish that guy was you."
"If Hayden wasn't in the picture, it'd be all you . . ."
A realization slowly hit me. The words that had just been spoken rang in my head. Hayden was done, so why shouldn't I be? Perhaps, it was time to stop beating a dead horse. I was exhausted by the nightly fights, and I was exhausted by the emotional misery she gave me.
Penelope looked so beautiful too. There was a reason she was here right now, there was a reason that some higher power from above had sent me here, in this very moment. The world, the universe wanted me to move on. Screw love, love doesn't last.
I took her chin in my hand, and pulled her mouth to mine. She embraced me tightly, and we slowly leaned back on her bed, removing one item of clothing at a time.
* * *
I still replay that night in my head. I still curse my impulses, my irrationality, my whim.
That night was the biggest regret of my life.