"What?"
"Oh hey, you okay? You sound kind of, well, off. And I mean, I know you're usually oh-so delighted by my name on your Caller ID, but you seem especially unhappy today."
"Sorry, I just, ugh. I got in a fight."
"With the boyfriend?"
"With the boyfriend. He's just being a dick again. You know, the usual. Just a big bag of dicks. Exactly as Marie said. Which means that I can't even go talk to her about it because I know exactly what she'll say."
"To break up with the bag of ugly dicks?"
"Let me guess, you're going to say the exact same thing. I know- I know I'm being stupid. Okay? It's not like I'm blind to the fact that a lot of the time, he's like the king of douchebags. It's just, it sounds so stupid, you know, he's the first one and all. And like, sometimes, it's really great, you know? Or well, it used to be. I don't know lately, but you know, I keep thinking it'll be like that eventually?"
"You are talking to the guy who was cheated on for several months."
"So you're not going to tell me I'm being stupid? And that I just should just dump his ass?"
"Well, that depends, what'd he do this time?"
"I just- I bought these tickets for a comedy show on Friday night, and I know Friday night is like his boys night or whatever, like we're not a middle-aged fucking married couple boy's night is the stupidest shit, but whatever. I thought you know, one Friday night. Just one- since I bought these tickets. He'd give it up."
"He's not giving up his Friday night."
"Just one Friday. Seriously. That's all I wanted. Why does he act like I'm asking for his goddamn left kidney."
"Well, at least you're not gonna spend your Friday night like me. Trying to block out the awful sound of my brother and ex at pornographic levels."
"Why does everyone around us suck, Parker?"
"Because in a terrible word of suckers, Mina, we are the one true swallowers."
"Oh my God."
"Hey, you laughed a little there, right?"
"I plead the fifth."
"Just go and have an awesome comedy night without him, that'll show the asshole. I mean, uh, lovely boyfriend. I'm sure you can find someone to go with you."
"Yeah, I guess. So you're just going to be at home again? Lonely Parker on a Friday night?"
"I lied before, I actually do have plans, I was just trying to make you feel better. This girl from our high school is having a big thing, I'll try not to drunk dial you, but I make no promises. It's part of my charm at this point, I think."
"Oh, that's uh, cool. Yeah. I'm sure Marie will go with me to the comic thing. Anyways, thanks. I'll be going."
***
i double updated so you can't punch me in the face for what just happened.
SO CLOSE THO.