Human kind cannot gain anything without giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. --Fullmetal Alchemist.
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Is it possible for something to feel gray?
Not the color. The feeling.
The morning after I left Raul and Brennen, I woke up in the piano room. It was no surprise--that was where I fell asleep. The surprise was the instant feeling of something being horribly wrong.
Like something that happened that couldn't be fixed. A sense of dread blanketed the castle, wrapping it up in something that felt like it couldn't be cut through with the sharpest sword.
My heart felt like it was going to burst. What happened? What's wrong?
Careful not to touch the keys on the piano, I got up and tiptoed from the room. My arm pounded. I looked down and saw the long scratch that traveled from my wrist to my elbow. The skin around the scratch was red and puffy.
I need to go clean this off.
Since my room was literally right next door, I went in there first. Everything was exactly how I left it from the morning before: messy.
Weird how yesterday feels like it happened last year.
I walked over to my dresser and pulled out the first thing I could grab, which was a dress. As much as I liked the pants and shirt I was wearing, they were in dire need of a cleaning. I rummaged through another of the drawers and pulled out a roll of bandages to wrap around my cut.
After I cleaned my arm and wrapped something around the gash, I went to change. The first thing I noticed as I was pulling the dress on my the pain at my abdomen. I inhaled sharply and looked down. Black and blue splotches covered the right side of my ribs.
I guess that came from when Bren--the creature that took over Brennen attacked me.
There was no way I was going to say the bruises came from Brennen. Especially considering the fact that he tried to stop the thing from coming out.
I pulled the dress over my head and slipped on a pair of soft shoes. Reaching back, I pulled the band from my hair (succeeding in taking half my hair with it) and quickly attempted to brush through the mess. It took me less than two seconds of consideration to decide to not pull it back and to just leave it long.
I nervously walked out of my room and stopped. Where should I go?
The gray feeling hadn't left me, which told me something was really wrong. The castle just felt off.
Downstairs.
I all-but-ran down the stairs and nervously pushed open the door to the room Raul and I put Brennen the night before. The pail of water that I summoned was still in the exact same spot. The rag Raul had been using was draped over it and speckled with blood. There were excess bandages littering the floor. The remnants of a fire were still in the fireplace.
But there were no people.
I closed the door quietly, resisting the urge to shout for someone. If I shouted for Raul, he would surely come, and if he was dealing with Brennen at that moment, then I might cause a problem. One the other hand, if I called for Brennen, I ran the risk of not meeting him, but the not-so-happy creature instead.
Best not to call anyone.
Now, if I was a--I'm not even going to finish that sentence. Where would they be?
In his room?
Up the stairs I go again.
I ran up the stairs (almost tripping on my dress while I was at it) and before I knew it, found myself in front of the deep brown wooden doors that opened up to Brennen's room. I moved my fist up to knock on the doors, but immediately decided against it and grasped the door handle instead. I turned it slowly and cracked the door open, giving myself just enough room that I could peek through the gap.
I smiled at what I saw and opened the door the rest of the way. Brennen didn't look up from his sitting position on the bed. He stared down at something in his hands.
"Hi." I suddenly felt cautious. I didn't know how he would be doing from the day before. The fact that he didn't move or look up was also a huge indicator that something was wrong.
I took a step forward. "How are you doing?"
His shoulders rose, then fell. He turned his back to me slightly. "I'm fine," he answered shortly.
What happened?
I walked farther into his room and sat down next to him slowly. The bedsprings screamed with the weight of another person on them.
Brennen turned around enough that it was just his back facing me. The black string that normally stood out against his yellow hair wasn't in its normal position.
I swallowed. "Are you holding your mask?"
He nodded.
"Do you want me to tie it on for you?"
Without a word, he passed back the mask. His hands shook like there was an earthquake.
I took the mask in one hand and grabbed onto his fingers with my other. "You're shaking."
He snatched his hand away. "Yeah."
I bit my lip and places that mask over his mouth. His fingers brushed mine as he reached up to hold it in place. Carefully, I tied the string in the back.
"Where's Raul?" I asked. "Isn't he the one who normally does this?"
Brennen's reaction was immediate. His shoulders tensed up--no--his whole body tensed up at the mention of Raul. It was like this electricity crackled off his every move.
My heart sank. "What's wrong? What happened to..."
I trailed off, knowing and dreading what the answer would be. I hadn't seen Raul the whole morning. The dirty rags that lay on the floor, the bucket of water that had yet to be emptied, the mask that wasn't tied on--all of them pointed to his absence.
Brennen's voice destroyed every flicker of hope I had that the worst was false.
"Raul is dead."
His voice caught at the end of his sentence.
I felt the color drain from my face. Oh no.
"How..." I trailed off, not knowing what to say. I wanted so badly to know how he died, but I was afraid to delve too deeply into the subject.
Brennen answered my unspoken question. "Last night, after you left the room, he--he healed me somehow. It wasn't physical injuries that he healed, it was more along the lines of him pushing the--creature--beast--it--back. When he did that, magic claimed its price."
He turned to me. "I told you, 'equivalent exchange' was how that worked. Because I was dying--at least my mind was--his spell took his life."
Oh, God.
I thought it like a prayer, although I had no idea what I was praying for. Wherever Raul's soul went, it was already there.
Gently, I reached up and placed my palm on Brennen's shoulder, curling my fingers underneath my hand to grip him.
He pushed me off. "Don't," he whispered.
I gulped down air to try and keep my tears in. This is my fault.
"Brennen--" I started.
He turned around and glared at me. "Lizaveta, no. Not now. Just... just leave."
The tears I kept locked away finally spilled over. "I'm sorry," I sobbed. "It's my fault. If I hadn't brought you outside then--"
His bitter laugh interrupted me. "Your fault? I can't keep a part of myself controlled. It's my fault he's--he's dead."
We fell silent.
"There's not even a body that I can bury!" Brennen yelled. He smashed his fist into the side of the bed and sprung to his feet.
I jumped and sat still, watching him helplessly.
A cry of frustration tore out of his mouth. "I can't fix this! One thing that I want to be fixed, and I can't do a thing about it!" Again, his arm hit the wall with a bam.
His breathing caught and his hands went up to his face, covering it. Slowly, his slid down the very wall he had hit a few seconds before.
Without consciously knowing what I was doing, I was next to him. I took his head in my hands and held it up so our eyes could meet. His red eyes screamed in torment, yet he did not cry.
I wonder if he even can.
Slowly, I wrapped my arms around his head and pulled him close to me. There was no point in apologizing. Its already been said. What happened had happened and there was no fixing it.
It just was.
We stayed like that for a while. Eventually, Brennen's breathing slowed down to a normal speed.
He broke free of our embrace first. There was no 'thank you,' there was no acknowledgment whatsoever.
There didn't need to be.
I wrapped my fingers around his hand. "Can you stand?"
Brennen nodded and cautiously stood. I joined him.
"Come with me," I said, gently pulling at him. He followed behind loyally.
When I reached my destination, he paused. "What are you doing, Lizaveta?"
I pushed open the door to outside and began to walk. "You'll see."
His hand slipped out of mine. I twirled around. Brennen gripped the door tightly, holding on to steady himself. His face paled to a sickly green. Beads of perspiration shone off his forehead.
"Still... still... yesterday is..." Brennen didn't finish his sentence.
Yesterday took its toll.
I walked back and wrapped his arm around my shoulder. It wasn't hard, considering the two-foot height difference.
"Lean on me," I mumbled.
Almost immediately, some of his weight felt like it dropped on my shoulders. I bit back the "oompf" that wanted to come out of my mouth.
I led us outside and to the center of the maze. At the top of the stone fountain was a baby angel, with his hands covering his eyes.
I walked out from under Brennen's arm and went straight up to the gray rock. Carefully, so I wouldn't fall, I placed my feet on the edge of the fountain. Snow fell off the sides of the thing in big clumps.
Please don't let there be any hidden ice. That would be embarrassing.
Once I reached a height that I could touch the angel, I reached out and grabbed its head. The smooth stone was cold beneath my fingers, making them tingle.
I closed my eyes and concentrated. "Allagí," I whispered.
The stone beneath my skin bubbled and rounded. It thinned out and got larger, into more of an arch shape.
Once it stopped moving, I pulled my hand away and hopped down from the fountain. I heard Brennen's small gasp as if it was a big wind.
Where the angel was, I had left an oval-like surface. It gleamed just a small bit in the non-existent sunlight. One both sides, the front and back, the surface was smooth except for a few letters neatly carved into the rock.
For Raul
The man who never left.
The father when one was not there.
The friend when needed the most.
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