~Confessions~
Dan
I was mad. I was mad at myself. I was mad at Phil. I was mad at myself for being mad at Phil.
It didn't make much sense.
But I had to keep kissing Chris. I had to. I'm not sure if it was to convince myself that he was the one I was kissing, as much as I wanted to think otherwise. But kissing him was all I could do not to collapse.
It hurt. Kissing him. But it also seemed to numb the other pain in my head.
That night Chris gave me a ride home. I stared out the window into the soft rain falling. I wanted to sit in the rain. I wanted to sit in the rain and tell Phil all my problems. But I was still in the car.
I wanted to lie down on the grass staring up at the night sky with him at my side. I wanted to tell him what he meant to me.
But I was still in the car.
☾❀☽
The next day at school, I didn't see him. Phil, I mean. He wasn't there.
I wondered if he was okay. I still didn't have the strength to do anything. I hoped he was okay.
I should never have yelled at him like that. Phil was slightly afraid of me when I was talking, let alone shouting.
I could still see it so clearly. I could still envision his scared expression perfectly in my mind. I wanted to get it out of my head. I wanted to not feel bad anymore.
Since Phil was gone, I had to eat lunch with Chris. I wanted to make him happy. For some reason, more than anything, I wanted him to be happy. I wanted us to be happy. I wanted to pretend that everything was okay.
I needed to.
I knew that I might slip again if I thought about the things that hurt.
The school was oddly empty that day. The halls seemed abandoned, the classes somehow different without him there. Like all the colour was drained out of my life.
But that wasn't the worst part of my day. That happened last.
I cut fifth period early. It was boring there. I went to the outside of Phil's fifth period class, and pulled out my phone to text him. Maybe he would skip and we could go to the woods.
And then I remembered.
He wasn't here.
Suddenly, I was sitting next to Chris, in the passenger seat of his car.
I didn't know how I'd gotten there. I was afraid.
I blinked a few times, trying to rid my eyes of the tears that were there for some reason.
"Dan? Are you okay?"
I looked up at him. I forced a smiled.
"Fine! Sorry, I just spaced."
He nodded, but still looked concerned.
I leaned in and kissed him.
That seemed to ease his mind.
☾❀☽
The week continued like that. No Phil. Lunch with Chris. Home with Chris. Kissing. Repeat.
All week I could feel myself getting worse. My brain was going fuzzy like static on the television and I didn't know why. In the past few months I'd been getting better, remembering more. And I was so close to finding it again. Finding the lost memories.
And suddenly I was at square one and I didn't know why. I was losing track of thoughts again. Finding myself places and not knowing how I got there. It hurt. It was scary.
I would miss bits and pieces throughout my day, having nothing but memories with him to fill the empty slots.
☾❀☽
I spent the week trying to adjust to life without him. And then he came back.
I was walking through the hallway when when I noticed it. I saw a familiar slim form ahead of me. But it didn't feel good when I saw him.
He had his shoulders hunched, he was looking at his feet. He was avoiding everyone.
It was like when I first met him. He was weak again. He wasn't brave. And it was my fault.
I couldn't stop thinking about it. Was he mad at me? Afraid of me?
His injured face was burning in my brain whenever I blinked.
And I could only focus on how upset I had made him. It was my fault. I was so stupid. I valued Chris over my own best friend.
I wanted to tell Phil I was sorry. I really wanted to. I just didn't think that Phil would enjoy it very much. He might be even more afraid of me.
In art, I arrived early. I went to the popular table. I didn't want to make Phil look at me. I didn't want to make him feel worse than he already was.
I glanced over as subtly as I could when he came in. I could tell that he'd been crying recently. I'd made him cry. A week later he was still crying. I was so fucking stupid.
I tried to distract myself. I started talking to those girls. They liked it, I guess. I laughed, but nothing was funny. All I could feel was the weight of where Phil to be in my chest.
☾❀☽
I didn't stay for lunch that day. I'd seen Chris, but had never got around to sitting with him.
I caught his eye and waved, but when he looked at me he stopped watching where he was going.
And then he hit someone. He walked into Phil. He was on the ground. He looked up helplessly.
And then I couldn't watch anymore. I left. I turned around and left. I walked out the front doors. It was raining out. That was okay.
And then I didn't remember much again. I found myself sitting on the wet grass with tears in my eyes. I had been there a long time.
I didn't know what was happening anymore.
I was somehow lacking the strength to stand. I didn't move from the ground until Chris found me. He pulled me to my feet, and grabbed my hand for support.
"Dan."
"Mm?" I looked up at him, and was surprised by how scared he was.
"What's happening with you?" he questioned, the fear inside leaking out into his voice.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you're not you right now. I look into your eyes, and I'm not seeing any light in them. Your fire, your spark, it's gone. And I'm seriously worried about you."
"I just miss him."
"Who?"
"Phil," I admitted hesitantly.
And then I made up my mind. I had to stop fucking around with Chris's emotions. I needed to tell him.
"Chris. We need to talk about something."
He nodded, but didn't reply.
We sat down on the grass together.
"I think we both know that somethings up between us. There's an elephant in the room, but-"
He put a finger to my lips.
"I've been seeing PJ," he mumbled. "I thought I liked you, but this can't work and I'm so sorry."
And then the static filled my eyes. I couldn't see anymore, I couldn't hear anymore. It was just a blank screen before me.
Chris wasn't there for me.
I'm not sure how long it was until I became aware of my surroundings again, but it was defiantly dark out.
I looked around, but Chris was nowhere to be seen. He must've left.
But I wasn't near the school anymore. I was in the woods. I was in our field.
I felt my face, and discovered that I'd been crying.
It was pitch black and pouring rain.
I didn't know what to do. Or what to think.
How had I gotten there?
I had nobody.
When I was with Chris, I was allowed to pretend that everything was fine.
Now that he was gone, the mask fell from my eyes, and I could see it more clearly.
I needed Phil.
I was nothing without him. Just an empty shell of a person.
I got up, and pulled my wings out. I started off at a sprint, and leapt into the air.
I had to get home. I had to get there quickly.
But I was struggling to fly. I got up, but I had to keep circling. For some reason, my wings felt as heavy as lead. My head was aching as was my heart.
The rain was pounding my wings, increasing the difficulty even more.
The static bit into the edge of my vision. I could hardly focus on beating my wings. This couldn't be happening. I had to get down. I started to lower myself, and then I lost consciousness.
☾❀☽
I woke up to the feel of water on my face. It was still raining.
And then I felt the pain. I was hurt. My wing, my ribs, my legs, my head. It hurt.
I wasn't worried, as quick healing was another one of my 'talents' but the pain was almost unbearable.
I also didn't know how I'd get home. I didn't have the strength to fly, let alone walk.
With shaking hands, I grabbed my phone and called him.
"Phil, please," I whispered into my phone.
"D-Dan?"
"Phil, forest. In the field. Please."
And then I hung up.
I didn't think Phil would come.
Honestly, I found it very improbable that he would venture out into a dark forest to comfort a person who had been nothing but cruel to him recently.
I would stay here alone. I would always be alone. I would have no one.
I laid back on the ground, but when I looked to the sky there were only clouds, no stars.
I focused the last of my energy into closing up the cuts and tucking my wings away.
Everything felt warm and sticky. It was blood, I knew the feeling. I hoped that the rain would wash it away.
☾❀☽
"Dan?"
I heard his voice. It was distant, but defiantly his. I called to him weakly. "Phil!"
I heard the sound of footsteps. A few seconds later, he came into view.
He was soaked, his hair messy. He was heaving for breath, and looked terrified.
And he was absolutely beautiful.
"Dan," he called. "Dan."
"Hey, l-little one," I whispered feebly.
Within moments he was lying next to me on the ground, hugging me tightly.
"Dan, Dan are you okay?!"
I nodded a little.
"What happened?"
I only shook my head.
He was quiet for a long time, squeezing me tightly.
I felt stronger when he was by my side. I knew I would be okay.
"Chris and I are done," I admitted. "He's together with someone else now."
"I'm sorry."
"Sometimes, sometimes I just want to be with someone who cares about me, you know? Sometimes I really want to be in love with a good person," I mumbled.
I sat up and pulled him up next to me.
"Someone like you."
Then I grabbed his face and kissed him. It was a hundred times better than with Chris. I breathed in his smell, and I smiled into the moment I'd been waiting for since I first saw the light in his eyes.
But then I noticed.
He didn't kiss me back.
I pulled away quickly and looked at his face. He was upset. Or afraid, or maybe confused.
"I'm sorry. I won't do that again," I muttered, hugging him.
He pushed his face into my chest.
"I'm sorry that I can't kiss you, Dan.
I-It just hurts."
"Don't worry. It's my fault. Don't you dare feel bad. We aren't doing that again."
He nodded, but he was crying.
"Phil, I need to talk to you, okay?"
Phil nodded, and then he crawled into my lap. I started speaking. I started saying things that I've always wanted to say. Because right then, I had nothing to lose anymore.
"Phil, whenever I look at you, I see everything at once. I see the first time we met, the first time we laughed, and the fleeting feeling of one thousand fireflies lighting up my heart. I see when your voice was a safe place, your simple words able to distract me from every injustice. I would forget every person killed, every tree cut down, even my own insecurities. I see every laugh we enjoyed, and no matter how bad I was feeling I could always fake a smile for you. And when I see you they all mesh together, and I see the end when you would laugh with tears running down your face, a smile brighter than the stars in the sky." I broke off. I wiped the tears from my cheeks and held Phil tighter in my arms.
"And I tried to love you. Although you couldn't even love yourself. And I know why they call it a broken heart. You actually feel it split, like a crack in dry wood, right down the middle. It burns upwards, stealing the words from your lips. And my heart breaks every day I see you sad. Every day you feel afraid of upset, the cracks widened. And whenever I see you, I can see the brilliance, the compassion, and the endless possibilities in you. But somethings been going on in that mind of yours, and now I'm only seeing closed doors. And it hurts. God, I wish you could just love yourself as much as I love you. And I knew that there was something going on in your complicated head, but I was still stupid enough to try and kiss you. So please don't feel bad. It's my fault."
When I stopped speaking, I noticed that Phil was crying harder than before.
I just held him. I held him so tight.
Because then I knew. As much as I loved him, and as much as he cared about me, and needed me, he could never have it in him to love me back. Not until he figured out what was happening is his mind.
"Thank you," he whispered. "And I'm sorry."
Phil and I stayed outside for a long time.
When I fell asleep that night, I dreamt that I was flying. And then I lost my wings and fell to the earth.
☾❀☽ ☾❀☽ ☾❀☽
A/n:
I'm sorry that this chapters kinda shit, but I wanted to get something out to you guys since it's been two weeks. I'll probably rewrite/edit it later idk
I think I should get an 'A for At least I tried'
Anyways I'm still sorting some things out in my life right now, but I'll be updating more regularly once I'm done.
Thanks for putting up with me.
-Jenny