I couldn’t sleep, especially after my bitch freak-out moment on Lucian. What was I thinking? Damn…
I didn’t care for anything or anyone else except myself, so why should I care now? It doesn’t make any sense. And for once, I realized that I actually felt bad for something I had done to somebody else, unlike all of the other times where I probably should have worried over instead of this.
Another memory…
”Where the fuck did you put them?!” Fisher Viola looked fucking pissed as hell, and all I could do was laugh in her face as she had to tilt her dread covered head all the way back just to look up at me. Her little pout reminded me so much of the doll, but fuck, there’s a reason behind every nickname.
“You fucking bitch.” She sneered. “If I ever catch you with them, cunt, I’m going to shove my fucking shoe up your ass.”
Her stance only made me laugh harder at the sad bitch. Her shoes? She was like a Barbie doll.
The memory only made me sigh, especially when I finally closed my eyes and saw the scene where she was curled up in a ball, screaming ‘Hypocrite! Hypocrite!’ with her hands cupped around her neck as if trying to strangle herself. I laughed, because I thought she was being dramatic…but I was an idiot. She really did get sick after I served her that coffee… Fuck, regret. There isn’t anything I can do about that now, though. You can’t take time back, you can’t change things. And her words, her accusations that I was what I hate…I never understood why she stated it… But now I do.
She was fucking right… I became her, only to take it a step further with these damn dresses and up-to-perfection hairstyles. I hated it. I sold myself out to a man I barely knew for two weeks. I threw my entire mentality, speech, habits, my life for a man, and I don’t think that Lucian was the first one.
Did I give myself away to Alex? Did I give myself away before Rick got to me?
…God, I was a sick excuse for a young woman. I am a sick excuse for a living being. But what could I do? I was trapped in this superficial perspective, where everyone was the enemy and I was the tool that screwed into their brain washed, dazed heads…and now? Hell, I am one of them…and neither one is what I’d like to be. Neither one. My head bursted in a trivial pursuit of regrets and headaches. Both of which caused my eyes to remain shut with an inaudible groan as the night time closed out on me.
What the hell am I thinking again? It’s all in the past. I have to forget and move on, that’s the only thing I can do. That’s the only thing I have to do.