"Toska (n.) an ache of the soul; a sick pining; a spiritual anguish."
A week past and they didn't speak. Her and Bucky didn't share any words during meals, training, or when they passed one another in the hall.
"You need to keep working on his arm," Steve urged her one day during training.
She wouldn't be the first one to approach him. "If he wants his arm fixed, he knows where to find me." That was all she said before she walked out of training for the day. Steve didn't brought it up again.
Everyone else acted as if nothing had happened, but there was always tension in the air. Erin felt it and wanted to punch it apart like a brick wall.
"This is getting ridiculous," Wanda whispered to Erin after catching her look at Bucky for the 10th time that night during a team meeting.
Steve was going through possible people D.K. could be. He and Erin had strung together a list of doctors and scientists known to be associated with HYDRA during World War II.
Erin looked over at Wanda and whispered, "I'm not the one who lashed out like an 8 year old."
"Not talking isn't going to do anyone any good or bring us closer to figuring out who D.K. is." Wanda persisted.
"If he wants his arm fixed he can ask me." She replied stubbornly.
"Now who's acting like an 8 year old?"
"I don't know what you expect me to do," Erin said frustrated. She didn't need another person nagging at her to fix something she didn't break.
"I want you to think about what's best for the team. What happens if we go on a mission and Bucky's arm acts up? It could put us all in danger. Whatever this D.K. person wants with Bucky, it isn't going to be pretty."
"It's not like I have a magical way to fix his arm."
"Can't you just manipulate the wiring? You can still control electricity right?"
"It's not that simple." Erin whispered back, "Whoever put it together had a very specific way they wired his frames. Vibranium may be versatile, but once its bonded a certain way it's not so easily redone. I've made progress on how to replicate it with my father's research and my electric energy helps, but it's not like there's a recipe for it lying around anywhere."
"It would be nice if you could ask the scientist himself." Wanda said.
It suddenly occurred to Erin, "That's it." She whispered.
"What is?" Wanda asked.
"That's it!" Erin said louder, standing up from her seat. "Wanda you're a genius!" Steve stopped talked as everyone in the room looked over at her, even Bucky turned to her in surprise.
"Thank you?" Wanda said confused.
"You have something you want to add Erin?" Steve asked her from the front of the room.
"'I will finish what was started' that's what the note to T'Challa said right?"
"Yes?" Sam questioned.
"Then that means whoever this is, had a hand in constructing Bucky's arm, but his work was cut short."
"What makes you think that?" Steve asked, leaning against the table curiously.
"Whoever this person is also thinks of Bucky as a weapon, just like HYDRA. Bucky's arm contains several layers to it, vibranium isn't just the outer defense it's weaved throughout every aspect of it. There's a specific pattern. I think that D.K. had something to do with making that pattern but was never able to finish. The arm itself is made almost entirely of wires that are supposed to act as nerves. There is a bone line structure and then on top of that are all the wires that act as nerves. The first layer of vibranium acts as a cast to protect the wires like muscle. The second acts as the muscle itself. The outer layer acts as skin and muscle both moving and contorting to whatever form Bucky needs in the moment."
"A hybrid of metal and human," Steve said.
"Exactly," Erin nodded. "Bucky," She said turning to him, "Were you ever awake when they first worked on your arm?"
For the first time in a week, Bucky spoke to her. "I... I don't know. Maybe a few glimpses but I don't have a clear memory of anything... why?"
"If Wanda could tap into your subconscious memory, I could possibly see what HYDRA did to get your arm to work in the first place and maybe figure out who D.K. is."
Bucky's face went white.
"And how do you expect to do that?" Sam said.
"Wanda," Erin said, "Have you ever tried... projecting your psycho analytical energy onto another person? Like connecting two subconscious at once? Like Facetime or Skype?"
Wanda stared at her blankly, "Is... that even possible?"
"I think for me it might. The brain acts as one giant body of electric nerve waves. Your gift, it's like an outlet for mental plug ins, all we would have to figure out to make you a connecting hard drive instead of a plug in, you could stream Bucky's consciousness through your energy and into me. With my electrical energy I would be like the power generator. I could contort the electrical current of the brain and see if there's anything there that I could use to help fix his arm or... any other kind of information that might be helpful." She turned to Bucky, "That is, if you're okay with it."
"Can't Wanda just look for the memory you want and report back to you?" Scott asked.
Wanda stiffened beside her.
"Wanda won't know what to look for," Erin said answering Scott, "She might get lost trying to find what I try to describe to her. This way I will know exactly what I need without hearing second hand from Wanda. Also, I'll know exactly which memory I'm looking for without raking through his mind."
"Hold on," Steve said, "You're talking about prying Bucky's brain-"
"Do I have to be thinking of the memories?" Bucky asked quietly interrupting Steve. "Will I have to remember?"
"No," Erin said confidently, "You could just go under and Wanda will work her magic. Remembering things is like pulling a file from a hundred different cabinets and bringing it to the main table, what I plan on doing is just taking a peak at the file as it's in the drawer. It shouldn't affect you at all."
Bucky was quiet.
"Although I would understand if you said no," She said quietly, realizing what she was really asking of Bucky, of the things she was asking him to relive. "You've spent half your life having your brain poked and messed around with. I wouldn't say yes."
There was a beat a silence before Bucky said, "I'll do it... But you may not like what you find."
*****
It only took an hour for Erin to figure out how Wanda could connect Erin and Bucky. Wanda would put Bucky in a sort of sleeping trance. He would go under while Erin remained awake. Once Wanda got a hold of Bucky's mind, she would tap into Erin's own consciousness and stream it into Bucky's so Erin could find the memory she is looking for.
They were in the lab. Bucky laid on the cot while Erin sat in a chair next to him. Steve stood in front of them, nervously pasing.
"You're sure this will work?" Steve asked.
"You know I can't give you 100% yes," Erin said quietly. Steve looked at her grimly.
"Are you ready?" Wanda asked Bucky.
Bucky nodded his head at her and then turned to Erin, "I hope you find what you need." He offered her a small smile.
She smiled weakly back.
Red sparks shot from Wanda's hand and Bucky laid his head back fast asleep.
"Alright," Wanda said, "I've got him."
Erin nodded her head, "Ready."
"You can do this," Steve said putting a hand on her shoulder.
"Be careful Erin," Wanda said, "A person's mind... it's a fragile thing. Be careful of seeing something you might not want to."
Erin nodded. That last thing she saw was Wanda's hand move over her head as she fell into darkness.
*****
The first thing she felt was the cold. It was so cold everywhere. She couldn't move or think. She should have been dead.
But she wasn't.
She faded in and out, blackness and a blur. She felt someone dragging her from the cold ground. The ground was white except for the pool of red at her side. Was that her blood? There were faces all around her, yelling in a language she didn't understand. They were dragging her somewhere. She couldn't find her voice to ask where they were going before everything faded to black once again.
The next thing she knew was a different kind of cold. This cold belonged to metal table. Something didn't feel right.
There was pain in her left shoulder, unbelievable pain. She blinked slowly but her eyes wouldn't focus. There were faces all around her. She didn't recognize any of them. Confusion blinded her as anger took over her mind. She lifted her hands from the table and her left arm felt significantly heavier.
It was made of metal. She blinked.
"Sergeant Barnes." She heard someone whisper.
Erin had entered Bucky's mind. She knew these were the memories she had been looking for, but everything that was happening to Bucky felt like it was happening to her. She tried to pull away, but she had no control.
She didn't feel a thing as she lifted the arm, Bucky's arm, and grabbed onto the nearest person. She watched the life go out of his eyes as she crushed his windpipe.
"You will be the new fist of HYDRA," The same voice said again.
The next thing she knew, she was in some sort of chamber. The next thing she saw was some kind of toxin that put her in a frozen sleep.
The memory shifted. Some part of Erin knew this wasn't real. She was aware she had entered Bucky's mind and was seeing his memories as he had lived them. But they felt real. She tried to summon her electricity to control the current of the memories but she was stuck, suspended in an uncontrollable current.
She was colder than the first time she woke up, completely unaware of her surroundings. She was tired... so tired.
Erin felt Bucky's body roughly grabbed and dragged through a series of hallways. A door opened and she was forced down into a chair. Men strapped her so she couldn't move. She tried to fight, but it was no use. She looked up to see something slowly coming down towards her face. It looked like a black headband. It split into two pieces as it made contact with her head and suddenly pain exploded in her brain. She yelled out as agony struck her skull again and again. There was nothing at all except for the pain, indescribable pain. It was the kind of pain that made Erin forget her own name. She forgot her mission, who she was, everything.
Finally, relief came. The black band lifted from her brow and her mind was blank. She couldn't remember anything. She couldn't remember who she was or where she came from. The only thing that consumed her mind was this: obedience. She was waiting for orders.
"Soldat?"
Her voice didn't sound like her own, "Ya gotov otvechat'."
*****
This wasn't right. She was supposed to be looking for a way to fix Bucky's arm. She had to find who fixed his arm... She had to.
It was harder than she anticipated, but she started to gain control. She was able to shift through his memories, like files in a cabinet.
"Dr. Krav," A voice said. Erin stopped the flow of memories. This was it, the one she had been looking for. "His arm please."
Erin sat in another chair staring at the man who had been addressed as "Dr. Krav" as he worked on fixing the arm of the Winter Soldier.
Erin observed him and everything he was doing, soaking in every detail, every move, so she could remember and replicate it. He reached for a bottle of...
Palladium? She thought. That was the secret? Erin kept watching Dr. Krav construct the arm. When he was done she hoped it would be enough to fix Bucky now.
"Well done Dr. Krav, we look forward to working with you." Another voice said.
That was it. She was done. She had all the information she needed. She tried to pull away from Bucky's mind, but another memory took over.
No. She thought.
A man stood before her. He spoke to her in Russian, but she still knew what he was saying. "Two hits. Peter and Mila Hitzig. I want a report in 13 hours."
She heard Bucky reply, "Understood."
No! She tried desperately to pull away, to bring herself back to reality, but like a river current, the memories swept her away pulling her down, down, down, until she was nowhere near the surface.
*****
It was cold again. Up on a rooftop of an unfamiliar building the wind beat hard against her back.
Erin crouched down and looked through the gun scope on her Barrett M82A1M. Through a window of their home, she saw two people sitting at a table sharing a bottle of wine. Slowly, she moved her finger, feeling the tip of the trigger.
No. She thought. This is wrong.
A wave of pain struck through her head, reminding her that this was a mission, nothing else mattered but completing the mission.
She waited for the man to stand in front of his wife. No need to waste bullets.
The man finally stood up, lining his head right next to the woman's. She pulled the trigger and the man and woman dropped to the floor. Two birds with one stone.
Then Erin realized what was happening. She had just felt his first kill.
*****
One by one, memories of death appeared in her eyes, each kill more brutal than the last. The years played out in her head. Mission. Report. Cryo sleep. Mission. Report. Cryo sleep. It was a never-ending cycle. Each time she woke up, she had a hard time remembering who she was and what she was doing.
Again and again she tried to pull away, to go back to the lab room in Wakanda, but the kills kept playing in her mind like a movie, a horrible, terrifying movie.
*****
She was on a bridge, fighting with another man. He was good, quickly dodging all of her moves. He had a shield, the only thing that was saving his life. She dodged an attacked and rolled over, the mask on her face falling off in the process.
"Bucky?" The man on the bridge questioned.
She replied back, "Who the hell is Bucky?"
****
She sat in another unknown room, staring into nothing. Memories flashed before her eyes. A train. A table. A foreign metal arm. A sleep chamber. The memories made her angry. Who was he?
A man in the room tried to touch her arm, but Bucky's metal arm shoved him away, slamming him into the nearest wall.
She heard a voice from the hallway, "Sir, he's unstable."
A man walked into the room and appeared before her. Erin recognized him. He was the head of S.H.I.E.L.D. Mr. Alexander Pierce. "Mission report." He said. She said nothing back, only continued to stare off into nothing. "Mission report, now." He said again.
Once again she didn't reply.
Suddenly, a hand connected to her cheek, pain shot through her face almost knocking her out of the chair.
"Mission report." Pierce said again.
"That man on the bridge," She said, though it was Bucky's voice who she heard, "Who was he?"
Pierce paused pursing his lips, "You met him earlier this week, on another assignment."
Another memory flashing into her mind. "I knew him." She heard Bucky say looking up at the man who had struck him.
Pierce pulled up a stool and sat in front of Bucky, "Your work has been a gift to mankind. You shaped the century and I need you to do it one more time. Society is at a tipping point between order and chaos. Tomorrow morning we're going to give it a push..."
Erin starred at the floor through Bucky's eyes and didn't listen to the rest of what Pierce had to say. When he heard his voice stop, Bucky said quietly, "But I knew him."
Pierce pursed his lips and stood up from the stool. "Prep him," He said to a man in a lab coat.
"But, sir, he's been out of cryo freeze too long-" The man in the coat said.
"Then wipe him and start over."
The man is the coat hesitated for a moment but obeyed. He nodded at two men on either side of Bucky. Erin felt them shove Bucky's shoulder down back into the chair.
She felt her mouth open, willingly accepting the mouthpiece so that she wouldn't bite her tongue off from the pain she knew was coming. The black band slowly came down and separated into two pieces, each one wrapping around her face. Erin yelled out, the pain threatening to tear her apart.
"The darkest place I've ever seen was inside me
and nothing scared me more."
-Unknown