Amorette didn't know why she felt so self-conscious in that moment, but she couldn't help it. For ages there was silence and she grew too hot with her shall around her. She slipped it off and threw it towards the end of the bed. She tossed and turned many times before she let out a frustrated sigh and lay on her back, staring at the canopy above her bed.
"Are you awake?" came Athos voice from the end of the bed.
She smiled wryly. "No. I feel asleep quite some time ago. It must have been your dry wit and sparking humour that helped me drift right off to sleep Athos dear."
"Athos dear?" he queried. "You haven't called me that in a long time."
"You haven't deserved it in a long time," she muttered. She pushed her pillow up behind her and sat up a little in bed, frustrated with her lack of sleep. From her half sitting position she could just see his face.
"Is your shoulder bothering you?" he asked.
"A little, but I suppose that's to be expected." She watched as Athos sat up a little on the couch and reached to the floor for something. Amorette watched as he fumbled with the pocket of his doublet before pulling free a little leather bound book.
"I almost forgot, D'artagnan asked me to return this to you." He placed the book at the foot of the bed and Amorette reached down to take it.
"Ah, I'll have to thank Monsieur Desrosiers for his help earlier. I don't think I'd have worked that riddle out at all if it hadn't been for him."
She saw Athos turn his head towards her. "The poet? Is he in Paris then?"
Amorette gave a light chuckle. "Yes. He arrived today with some friends. Claude is trying to marry off her niece to one off them, poor Georgitte." Amorette chuckled again as she recounted that day's events regarding Claude's mission.
Athos laughed along with her. "With what you tell me of your friend Mademoiselle, I'm surprised she isn't trying to find you a husband also."
Amorette felt the smile vanish from her face. "I think I'd only need to ask her and she would have men lined up outside the door. She means well, but I think she forgets that its people's feelings she puts on the line; both with the woman and the man. It's awkward enough as it is when it's something that happens naturally between two people, but when it's all arranged and put together by a third party it can feel like you have no control over your own feelings or situation."
"Are you talking about Franc la Belisle?" Athos asked, apprehension in his voice.
"Not really. I know my father had given Franc his blessing but he didn't push the matter too much. And don't worry, Claude told me about Franc. I know he's dead. I'd rather not know the details though." Amorette pulled at a fraying thread of the blanket that was spread over her absentmindedly.
Athos moved off the conversation of Franc altogether, whether on purpose or not, Amorette did not know. "So there have been other proposals made to you?"
Amorette felt herself squirm. It wasn't exactly a conversation that she wanted to have with Athos but she supposed that it was the most hospitable conversation they had entered into since her return to Paris. "Not as such. There was one or two, but I never really gave any of them any consideration."
Amorette felt the question in the air even before Athos asked it. "Who were they?"
"There was Henry Grey, the Earl of Kent. He's a good man, and they said that he treated his late wife very well. He and my father never saw eye to eye which would have been a bonus. It would have been a good match if he'd been a catholic. He was very understanding about the situation too."
"And the other?" Athos pressed.
Amorette hesitated, not sure how well her answer would go down. "You won't like it."
She watched as Athos sat upright on the couch and gazed at her questioningly. He stood and moved to lean against the post of the bed. "Tell me!"
"The Duke of Nemours, Louis of Savoy."
"What?" he exclaimed as he took a seat on the corner of the bed.
"I told you that you wouldn't like it. It was a match orchestrated by my father but my refusal didn't go down very well with Louis. For a while he was still sending these angry letters. He called me a witch." Amorette let out a chuckle and fell back against the pillows.
Athos didn't laugh. "How did it end? Does he still write to you?"
Amorette shook her head. "Oh no. As soon as I told Buckingham about the letters he stepped in. They stopped after that. I don't know what he did or said and I don't think I want to. I know it started another bitter quarrel between Buckingham and my father though."
Athos nodded, understanding crossing his face. "I think I am coming to an understanding of your friendship with Buckingham. He protects you from your father, doesn't he?"
Amorette nodded. "He really has been a great friend to me. I've repaid him quite poorly today in taking that key but I suppose it was for the best. If Buckingham had used that key I don't know what sort of trouble he'd have gotten himself into. I'll have to have a word with him about this vendetta the Queen has against him. I'll recommend that he travels abroad for a while until it all blows over."
"That may be for the best," mused Athos.
For a while longer they talked in close proximity; Amorette sinking lower and lower against the pillows as tiredness overtook her. She didn't remember falling asleep or how she came to be outside.
The Quai des Augustins was entirely deserted. Amorette marched past the empty fishing boats and ships moored along the docks and thought it strange that not a soul was about. She could just see the first rays of sun on the horizon and by rights the fishermen should have been returning to the docks in their boats with crates of produce to take to market, but there was no one. Amorette marched on towards the Pont Neuf, feeling a little chilly in the morning air. Still she saw no one as she crossed the bridge and the Louvre Palace loomed over her. She wondered if anyone was looking out of their window from the palace at the lonely Mademoiselle on the bridge, dressed in only her night things. She looked down then as the realisation hit her that she wore no shoes or coat but only her simple muslin slip.
The air changed around her and suddenly she was falling. The air buffeted her nightdress and hair upwards, so that if felt as if her fall was almost slowed by the aggressive gust of wind. The water was still coming up to meet her though. She sucked in a breath, ready for the painful collision with the murky surface water but it never came. As soon as the water hit her a different type of explosion engulfed her. There was dust under her fingernails, in her hair and on her tongue. She tried to speak, to cry out but more dust only clogged her throat. She thrashed about in the gloom, feeling what may have been sand all around her. It was as if she was floating through the sand and she came to a stop when a wall or floor of some sort collided with her back. Something pressed down on top of her too but it was not sand any more. Large stones fell from the non-existent celling to slowly form some sort of blockage all around her. Stone after stone fell, and Amorette tried to push against them, to move them out of her way. They would not budge though and she felt her throat constricting even more as the sand or dirt wouldn't shift. She tried to cough, to cry out but it was no use. Suddenly, the largest stone yet came hurtling towards her out of nowhere and Amorette opened her mouth in a silent scream as it collided with her head.
Despite the coolness of the room Amorette woke drenched in sweat. The fire was just embers in the grate now and in the near darkness she could just make out Athos' sleeping form at the end of her bed. She felt tears prick her eyes as she recalled her dream. Not wanting to wake Athos, she threw off the blankets and padded barefoot into the parlour. She poured herself a small glass of wine in the hopes that it would help her sleep and settled into a couch for a while to drink it.
She sat for an age not really thinking of anything in particular before she realised she was cold. Suddenly, the slightest of movements behind her had her jumping. Athos was leaning against the door frame watching her intently. It was almost as if those blue eyes could see straight through to her soul in their shrewd intense gaze. "Sorry," she mumbled. "I didn't mean to wake you."
Something within Amorette knew that he had been watching her the whole time she had been sitting there sipping her glass of wine. "Trouble sleeping?" His question may have been nonchalant but Amorette sensed the inquisitiveness behind his words and knew if she lied he would bat away her excuse. Instead, she decided to remain silent. "What was your nightmare about?" he pressed again.
As Athos took a seat on the coffee table before her and fixed her with an expectant look this time she knew there was no other option but to answer him. "It started with a dream I've had before," Amorette said as she tried to skirt round the issue of the first part of the dream. It was something that she didn't quite understand herself and having someone else analysing the details would make it all seem more out of reach. "But it changed towards the end. I was trapped in the catacombs. Dust and stone fell on top of me and I couldn't breathe or see or shout. It just felt so real." Amorette glanced up towards him and found that the cobalt blue eyes were not as sharp and ferocious as they normally were. In fact they could have been described as gentle and almost warm. "I keep thinking about what might have happened if you hadn't followed me down there; or if the others had been a few moments later in finding us. We might all have died down there Athos! All because of a bloody necklace that was just bait!"
Athos gently placed his hand on top of hers and squeezed. He gave a long sigh before he spoke, "But we are still here. We are all alive and as well as can be expected. Why are you dwelling so heavily on what might have happened? It is as you said earlier; what is done is done and cannot be changed. The events of this afternoon are in the past and no one may go back and change them. Thus we live on as we did before." Amorette knew he was right and tried to let his words sink in but she still feared to close her eyes and bear witness to it all again. She nodded to show that she understood and gently tried to prise her hand away from his. He released her hand and stood up. "Your hands are freezing, go back to bed. It's still too cold for late night wanderings."
Amorette stood too and slipped past him back into her bed chamber, feeling the lightest touch of his hand upon her back as she moved. "What time do you suppose it is?" Amorette asked to the darkness.
"It will be light in an hour or two I think," Athos confirmed.
Amorette climbed back into bed but stayed in a sitting position, sure now that sleep would evade her completely and if she was completely honest that was not so frightening a prospect. "Perhaps I'll just get dressed then. There's not much point trying to sleep now." In reality, Amorette would have welcomed sleep if she knew that she could rest soundly. She felt dejected and exhausted but would rather stay awake than experience that dream again. She regretted how sad her eyes must have looked when she caught Athos staring at her. Without a word he got up from the couch and walked around the side of the bed towards her. As he lay down on the other side Amorette stared at him incredulously. "What on earth do you think you are doing?"
She almost thought she saw the slightest of smirks tug at the ends of his mouth before his stoic expression returned. "You can hardly expect to sleep sitting like that can you? Come here." With an arm outstretched he gestured for her to lie down beside him but she stayed sitting. She was sure she looked enough of a mess without embarrassing herself further and attempted to pull away slightly. He gently grasped her arm and tugged her towards him. "Don't look so worried. You know me Amorette, and you know I mean no harm. I only wish to help you get some sleep."
"I know you mean no harm!" Amorette blurted. "But this...is this really a good idea?" Surely Athos couldn't think that this would in any way help Amorette try to dispel the feelings she had for him.
"If it helps you sleep, then yes!" With that, he gave one final tug and Amorette conceded to let herself be pulled down onto the bed. She almost gasped when he pulled her so close to him that her head had to rest on his chest. With an arm clamped firmly around her waist Amorette had no way of escaping and she waited for the tell-tale signs of perspiration on her forehead and an erratic heart beat to give her away. Instead though she felt inconceivably calm. After a few seconds she let herself relax against him as she breathed in his smell and let her hand uncurl to lie flat against the plains of his chest. He reached up and gently gripped the wrist of that hand, holding it in place. Just like that Amorette drifted off to sleep.
Sleep did not come so readily for Athos though. He had known she would have given some sort of reluctant reaction to his suggestion to lie in that way but ultimately he knew that she would have given in, not able to forgo the chance to lie in his arms. His sole motive had been to ensure that she felt safe and therefore slept well enough to ward off any more dreams. Now that he was there though in the moment, with her soft warm breaths on the base of his neck, her tiny hand pressed against his chest and her hair fanning out on the pillow and his shoulder, some other strange emotion began to take him over. He gazed at her in the near darkness, wishing and hoping that he would see once again the face of the five year old child that he had met so long ago but that Mademoiselle was no longer there. That was when he realised his mistake. He had always seen her as that little child, but a single days occurrences had been more than enough to prove to him that she had in fact been a grown woman for a very long time; Perhaps even since the day her mother had died. How on earth had he not seen it?
Now that he was beginning to see her in her true light, other things became apparent. Athos was nothing if not a gentleman but he was also a red blooded male and here he lay with a beautiful woman that he had known all his life, one of her breasts pressing into his armpit through his shirt and her nightdress and the other to his chest as she slept. In fact, with his arm around her as it was, she was pressed so closely to him that he felt he could feel every curve of her body against his. That single second was when the wall came crashing down inside his head. This was what he had not seen or perhaps even ignored for such a long time. He had always tried to care for her as an older brother would. As a lively and vibrant child she had been so happy for his friendship but as she had grown into a teenager things shifted focus. She no longer saw him simply as her cousin's friend any more but as someone that she highly esteemed and trusted. Amorette had found a place for him in her heart so very swiftly that Athos had been lost for what to do about it. He had watched her grow up and had thus disconnected from the innocent advances she had made towards him. He could see his mistake very clearly now but with that sickeningly hopeful revelation came another. The very moment Athos realised that he could perhaps have feelings for Amorette that were not just friendship, he also came to the conclusion that they could never be anything more than friends.
Athos had married Amorette's sister and thus had prevented any future feelings from blossoming. Their previous encounters before Paris had been fraught with angst and confusion because perhaps Amorette had known deep down that the one thing she wanted most in the world was something that she couldn't have. Athos had always known how deep her feelings for him ran but now that he shared them he had an inkling of just how lonely and soul destroying it had been for her to love him despite every obstacle in her way. They could never have anything more than close friendship now because Athos knew in his heart that what they wanted went against everything that Amorette believed in. She also deserved far more than a man who had taken twenty years to really see her for what she was.
It felt so alien to him, to lie in the darkness with all of those thoughts in his head and not feel regret or pain. To feel for Ann had caused him immense pain and shame. How he loved a scheming murderer was beyond him but his feelings were not weak enough to be washed away with the years that had passed since his marriage. This was something different entirely. What he was discovering in his heart almost gave him pride that he had chosen to feel for someone so good and kind. Then he stopped himself. He supposed that it was Amorette who must feel pride for her perseverance and steadfastness. After all that she had been through her resolve and strength had not wavered and the reality was startlingly obvious. Athos was lucky to have always had such a friend in his corner and now he would have to be the one to wait. He could think no more of these thoughts without Amorette being privy to them so he would have to speak to her. He had no right to presume that anything could develop from here when she did not know how his feelings had changed. Was it foolish of him to hope that Amorette might just give in to the love she had harboured for twenty years and accept his new-found feelings?
When Athos awoke to a room flooded with light the next morning, he found that he and Amorette were in much the same position they had been in the night before. She still lay pressed against him with her head on his chest but in his sleep he had released his hold on her wrist and had wrapped both arms around her. Despite the dust and chaos of the catacombs the day before he thought he could still recognise the faintest smell of lavender hair oils and immediately to save himself he began to move. Rolling Amorette gently away from him so as not to jostle her shoulder, Athos tore from the bed and pulled on his boots. There was noise from the corridor and he decided to cross into the parlour to open the door. Maids bustled by and Athos noted that it must have been mid-morning. When the hallway emptied he opened the door wider and watched the commotion down in the courtyard below from the window. He really should have left to return to his own lodgings by now. He risked a great deal for both him and Amorette by staying any longer, but something within him would not let him leave until she was awake. A low chuckle had him starting, but when he turned he found only Porthos coming through a set of double doors.
"It's lucky for some isn't it, getting to sleep to all hours of the day!" Porthos exclaimed with a laugh. After a few seconds though his smile waned a little and he jerked his head in the direction of Amorette's rooms. "How is she?"
"More scared than she will ever tell anyone, I think." Athos muttered.
"We covered for you with Treville, although I think he saw right through our excuses straight away. In the end Aramis thought we should tell him the truth in case he thought you were sleeping off a heavy night in the tavern or something."
"Thank you," said Athos as he clapped his friend on the shoulder. "It's much appreciated."
Amorette woke to a prettily sun dappled room. The thick winter drapes had been removed in favour of light lace summer drapes whilst she had been in Scotland and the lace patterns cast pretty shadow effects on the wooden floor. Amorette patted the space behind her, found it empty and frowned. Had Athos not been with her the previous night? She remembered that he had draped his doublet over the arm of the couch and decided to check if it was still there. She began to roll over onto her other side and she let out an ear splitting yelp. In her sleepy haze she had forgotten all about her injured shoulder and pain seared through it as she had moved to place weight on it. Amorette pulled herself back to lie flat on her back as tears pricked her eyes. Athos tore back through the door with a worried expression on his face.
"I'm alright, don't fuss!" Amorette cried before he reached her. Athos gently pulled the shoulder of her nightgown away to reveal her now loose bandage hanging limply from her shoulder. "It must have loosened in my sleep." Amorette hadn't realised how much support the tightly wound bandage had given her shoulder.
"Do you want me to fetch someone? A doctor?" called Porthos from beyond the door.
Athos' hand was still upon her shoulder and he was attempting to lift her bandage to ensure that Aramis' needlework was still intact. The touch of his hand against her bare skin was enough to make Amorette feel self-conscious again. "Could you fetch Constance for me please?" she cried out. Constance would not cast judgement, but Amorette knew that she would have to deal with hearing about this again and again from her friend for quite some time.
A little while later Constance rushed into the room and when she caught sight of Athos she frowned. "Come on, out! You've caused enough trouble as it is, go on!" She swatted him away from the bed and waited until he had retreated into the parlour before helping Amorette replace her bandages.
When Constance slipped back into the parlour again she found Athos still pacing the floor before the fireplace. She shook her head and turned to walk away but Athos sensed there was something that she had to say. She turned to him again and he knew she was going to berate him. "I don't know what your purpose was in staying here last night you know! You know how she feels about you so why didn't you fetch me to stay with her? I'm sure you only meant well but did you think of her feelings at all?"
"The Cometess didn't object," Athos lied.
"Even so," Constance sighed and let her shoulders sag as her anger dissipated. "You should have considered how she would feel this morning. The last thing Amorette needs is to have her feelings toyed with. Just be careful Athos." He knew the warning was meant in a friendly way more than anything else and so gave a curt nod in response. "She'll be out in a moment."
Constance turned to leave and Athos gaped at her. "What?"
"Don't blame me Athos, I tried. I told her she should rest but she wouldn't hear of it. I helped her dress so she's fixing her hair and then she'll be out I expect."
Constance slipped out of the door and her heeled slippers created an echo as she walked away. A matter of seconds later Amorette stepped out of her bed chamber, stopping in the doorway when she spotted Athos. "I didn't know you were still here."
"I wanted to be sure you were alright," said Athos from his spot by the fireplace.
"Well as you can see I'm absolutely fine so...You didn't have to stay last night you know. I appreciate you doing so but you didn't need to." Amorette's silk skirts floated towards him across the room until she stood next to him. "But thank you."
"I thought it was the right thing to do," Athos said in clipped tones.
Amorette could tell that Athos knew he had said the wrong thing. She glared at him as he tried to think of a better way to remain neutral. "The right thing to do? That's your answer for everything nowadays isn't it? I mean, you slept in my bed with me last night! For heaven's sake why do you never show any feelings or emotions? You pretend to be some sort of aloof unfeeling soldier with a heart of stone and I know that's not you! I know you Athos and-"
Amorette didn't get the chance to say any more for at that exact moment Athos leaned forward to grab fistfuls of her skirts and yank her towards him. Amorette only had the time to let out a small gasp as she saw something change deep in Athos' eyes before his lips crashed into hers. He spun her around and backed her against the wall, kissing her with fervent abandon. He clutched her waist tightly and pushed her deeper into the wall as his kiss became more ferocious. For the first ten seconds Amorette lost all trail of thought and was unable to do anything. Slowly though she felt her thoughts return to her and she placed two firm hands flat against his chest and pushed him away from her with all her might.
When he sensed her reluctance, he jumped away sharply to stare at her in confusion. "What the hell do you think you're doing Athos?" she snarled. "You can't just...just..." Amorette gesticulated wildly as she tried to find the right words to phrase her sentence.
"Show feeling and emotion?" Athos finished for her. "I thought that was what you wanted!"
"How could you possibly know what I want?" Amorette screeched. "You are not inside my head Athos! You think that this is what I want do you? For you to throw me against the wall and kiss me because you can think of nothing better to do?" Amorette wiped away her tears with the sleeve of her dress and sniffed. In a small voice she continued, "I do not want your pity Athos and I never did. That is what this is. You feel sorry for me so you are attempting to make me feel better but that's not right. You are taking advantage. You feel bad for me and that's partly because of the way you have treated me these last few months so you are trying to make yourself feel better by in turn making me feel better. That's not fair Athos."
"Amorette that's not what this is." Athos reached out to touch her arm but she pulled away swiftly.
"Then what is it; because from where I'm standing it cannot be anything else? Do you really think that's what I want? You are my sister's husband and you still love her! You know, I used to think that I wouldn't care if you loved me back or not and that if you offered yourself to me I'd take you and not think on it. But that's the thing that has changed within me. I need someone to love me in return Athos. I don't think you can give me that whilst you still care for my sister! You cannot love two people. I know that this may sound odd, considering how I've felt about you all these years but I cannot settle for that anymore. I've been alone all my life and it's all I've known and let's face it, if we were to form some kind of relationship I'd still be alone. Did you wish I was her when you kissed me? Would you always think on her when you were with me? I'd spend the rest of my life wondering that! You see Ann still makes you so angry and frustrated and you would become that around me. I don't think it's fair on either of us to lie to ourselves and say that it could possibly work. I want you to kiss me just because you want to!"
"You and your sister are different people, I know that now Mademoiselle," Athos said quietly.
Amorette nodded stiffly. "Yes I think you do. But in those moments of passion when you kiss me or hold me close will you be able to keep the distinction in place? I might have been able to deal with it when I was younger because I was just a child and I was so infatuated that I would have taken any affection you had bestowed upon me with relish, but I'm older and wiser now. My feelings are not a foolish crush. I love you Athos, but I cannot love on my own. I need my feelings to be reciprocated because otherwise what is the point? In the end I will only end up hurt. So will you I expect. For both of us I think it is best if we remain friends and nothing more." Amorette brushed past him to walk towards the door. "I think it's best Athos, if we keep our distance from one another for a time."
With that, she ventured out into the hallway with tears still flowing down her cheeks. Perhaps Athos should have been taking on board all of what she had said. He knew she was hurting now more than ever because she had thrown away the thing she wanted most in the world and he should have been coming to terms with the fact that she had spoken her mind fully to him. What she had said was important he knew; but he couldn't process those thoughts. The only thing that reverberated around his brain was that he had wanted her to kiss him back.