2 days off. 2 days off from work and everything should be stress free, right? Wrong. You don't get days off when there are bills to be paid, a child to be fed and errands to be ran. Occasional breaks? Maybe. But a full vacation? Never. Time is one of the many things you have to sacrifice when you're an adult. Sacrificing something that's bound to run out anyway.
The day starts off as usual, but instead of going to work after I drop Maleek off, I went on a job hunt. Sams was right. There has to be something better out there for me. But you can't sit around and wait for it, you have to find it. But I still can't help but feel like I'm starting at square one. I've done this before and ended up with the same outcome; nothing. It got to the point when I gave up and settled. I gave up on trying and the amount of guilt I feel is almost unbearable, because that means I gave up on my son. I can't say he was the only reason I was trying, because I wanted better for myself, but he was a major push for me to keep going. And I gave up.
Well it's time for me to hop back on the bike and if I fall, I guess I have no choice but to keep going. Turning around is no longer an option. Scrapes and bruises will heal but the weight of failing, is endless pain.
Only 2 years of college, majoring interior design and minoring industrial. So finding a job is not the easiest task. I wanted to make homes. Homes for other people because I never had one. My dream was to make homes beautiful from the décor to the appliances. Yes, my dreams were to advance other homes but most importantly, make one of my own.
Everywhere in downtown was a bust. I filled out 9 applications, and everywhere else help wasn't wanted. But I promised myself I wouldn't give up. Not until I find what I'm looking for.
Deciding it was enough for the day, I knew I still had to drop by the restaurant to pick up my check. Looking at my watch, it reads 1 o'clock. Just in time for the next bus. When the bus finally comes, I jump on and head to Food Heaven. Going to work on a day off upsets me. I know I should be happy that I'm getting paid but when ever I step a toe in that place, a dark cloud hovers over my head. I'm just waiting for the day it'll rain.
The bus ride ends and I walk the extra block to restaurant. Walking through the doors I take in the dull surroundings. If I could, I would fix this place up myself. The inside is just like the food; bland.
I walk towards the back of the restaurant to the manager's office. I suppose he's a good guy but you don't see him much. He really only comes on pay day and once all the staff gets their check, he packs his stuff and goes. Then you won't see his face for another two weeks or so.
I honestly don't think that he enjoys his job. His grand father and father started this place so I guess he had no choice but to keep it going. Failing miserably.
Knocking on the door, there was a muffled 'come in'. I turn the rusty door handle and walk in. The office was dark and empty. A simple wood desk, old filing cabinets, and vintage like lamps.
Mr. Dennis, sits behind his desk and glimpses at me, from his apple laptop.
“Hello, Tracy.” He said without even a second look.
Til this day, it still surprises me that he knows my name. I didn't think he even knew who I was, yet alone my title.
To be in his 40's I couldn't help but notice how old he looks. Not his physical features but his demeanor. He was very closed off and almost grumpy. His eyes were a dull dark brown, and his brown skin lacked the same shine.
“Good afternoon.” I said a little less then cheery.
He opened a drawer and stuck his hand inside. Taking his hand out, a flimsy piece of paper comes along with it. He rest the paper on the desk and pushes it towards the edge.
“Your check.” He simply states.
Walking towards the desk, I pick up the piece of paper. I couldn't help the dropping feeling in my stomach and the confusion swirling in my mind.
“What the fuck is this?” I asked. My voice mixed with anger and fear.
He sighs and lifts his head to meet my emotion filled eyes.
“Your check, Tracy.” He said rubbing his head.
No. Not my check. It can't be. I may not be the smartest but I know damn well when numbers aren't adding up. And these... these couple of measly dollars are not coming up to sum.
“I'm sorry sir, but this is not my check. How can this be less than before when you didn't even pay us that much from the start?”
He shook his head.
“I'm sorry, but times are getting rough. Business isn't the same and our income is decreasing more and more. I am paying you what I can afford.”
What? Either I lost my mind or he did. I'm figuring, it's the latter. My check was never the grandest, but this.. this is an all time low. I was barely getting ends to meet before and now I'm starting to think that struggle is just beginning.
“Bullshit!” I yell. “You do realize that this is less then minimum wage, right? What the fuck am I suppose to do with this? I have a child to take of and this measly check is not helping me the slightest.”
Something inside my body switched up and my anger turned into begging and pleads.
“Please. You can't do this. Not now.” I begged.
I've sunken. Never in my life have I begged somebody but now I'm shattered. I have never been so desperate and I never felt so pathetic. In the back of my mind, I know my words won't change anything but that doesn't stop me from basically groveling on my knees.
He steps from behind his desk and short strides towards me. He rest his hand on my shoulder and I flinch back. He pulls his hand away and shakes his head.
“I'm sorry.” He said.
If I was in my right mind, I'm pretty sure I would have screamed a 'fuck you'. But lost hope was lodged in my throat and bad fortune stuffed my mouth with cotton. A thousand words to say but no words dare try to escape out my mouth.
Mr. Dennis, gives me a look of pity as he shakes his head. He walks back around his desk and grabs his jacket from the back of the chair. All the while, my feet are glued the tiles of the floor. He comes back around and starts to walk towards the door. His feet stop beside me, and he looks at me one more time.
“I really am sorry.” He said.
He walks out the door and leaves me in the room alone. A room that reminds me of myself. Empty, dingy, pitiful and light never seems to shine through.
So here I am. Broken in the middle of a dusty floor left with pretty much nothing. You try picking up the broken pieces but they just fall again and shatter even more. Now I really am stuck and my hole only got deeper.
I try my best to come back to reality but it was a fail, just like everything else I do. Turning around, I walk out the office doors. My brain numb and body limp. I idly walk into the main part of the restaurant. Before I make my way towards the doors, I hear someone call my name. I'm not sure If I can bear one of Sams' speeches today. I love the old man but I'm just not up for it right now. Ignoring him, I walk out the doors.
I know if I talk to him then I will end up telling him everything and he'll end up with the 'you can do better' foolishness again. I don't know if I have an ounce of pride left, but if I do, then I would like to keep it.
I step out the doors and not even the fresh spring air can lighten my mood.
“Tracy!”
I heard from behind me. My pace and strides stayed the same. A light pull and my arm slowed me down and I ended up at a complete stop.
“Please, Sams. Please.” was all I could say. No more energy to fight. I couldn't say much else. I was just tired. Tired of everything.
He stares at me and I put my head down, not being able to meet his eyes. I knew he wanted answers so I simply went in my pocket and pulled out the thin strip of paper. I handed it to him and he grabbed it with confusion.
He opens the folded piece of paper and peered at it. His eyes widened then filled with sorrow as he looked at the very few numbers. I look away from him as my eyes start to blur.
I can't believe I haven't cried yet. A tear falls down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away.
“Please don't say anything.” I said to him. “I can't take it right now.” I said honestly.
He just shakes his head. Not out of disappointment like I thought, but out of worry.
He reaches out his pocket and pulls out a wallet. Opening it, he pulls out a black card.
I look at him in confusion. This whole time he hasn't said one word, and I'm thankful but surprised at the same time. Sams always says whats on his mind and him being silent is rare and out of the ordinary.
“Here.” He says reaching the card out to me.
I quickly shake my head and push his hand back. I don't want his money. I never liked taking or borrowing from people. I'm already in enough debt.
“Take it.” He said again.
I shake my head again.
“Sams, I don't want your money. I don't want to be a charity case.”
“You are not a charity case. You are my daughter and as my daughter, I am helping you.” he said. Honesty filled in his voice.
My heart jumped a little as more tears fell from my eyes. I have never really had a real parent figure and him saying those words really meant so much to me. More than it should.
“Here.” He said again. Use it. You can be back on your feet.” he said.
I quickly shake my head at him.
“I can't Sams. It's too much. ”
Sams sighs and shakes his head.
“So damn stubborn. Take this card. Think of it as a gift. If you don't want to spend it on yourself then spend it on Maleek.” He said with a slight smile.
As tears prick my eyes. I nod my head and look at the ground. He knew if he brought Maleek in it, then he would win. Sometimes I wish Sams didn't know me so well, but that doesn't change how thankful I am for him.
I take the card and engulf him in my arms. His mint and tobacco scent always has a way to calm me.
“I love you much Sams. The father I never had.” I said with my tears soaking his collared shirt.
He lightly chuckles and wraps his arms around my shoulders, giving me a fatherly hug. Pulling back, he kisses my forehead.
“I know you have a son to pick up.” He says.
I lightly smile and nod my head.
“Yea. We are suppose to go to the park and ice-cream tomorrow. We both need a little fun time.”
He nodded his head in agreement. He looks at his watch.
“Next bus comes in ten minutes. I suggest you get the movin'.” he said.
I hug him again and bid my goodbyes. The bus comes and I get on. I get to pick Maleek up early today since I didn't have to work. Then I have to go grocery shopping.
The bus rides quickly ends and I walk the rest of the way to Maleek's school. He didn't know that I was going to be coming so early so I bet he's still inside with Ms. Walker, his teacher. Walking inside the school doors, I head down the hallway to Ms. Walker's classroom. I arrive at the room door and knock on it. You can hear the kids laughing and playing through the brightly decorated wood. The door opens and a light-skinned lady stands in front of me. I always envied Ms. Walker. She was every mans dream. Beautiful silky hair, a perfect coke bottle figure, and flawless milky skin. She seemed more of a model then an elementary school teacher.
I've always had self esteem issues but they weren't that great, but standing beside her makes me second guess myself.
She smiles brightly at me and my confidence sinks lower as her perfectly white teeth peeks through her naturally pink lips. Although my mood has sunken even more because of her beauty, I couldn't help but smile back. Her personality was very kind hearted and almost contagious,
“Hi. Ms. Renolds.” she said. “Maleek is right over there.” She stepped aside and pointed to a little boy who was conversing with a pretty brown skinned girl. I smiled at the sight. Him and Natalie were in the play kitchen. She was 'cooking' on the stove and he was running all over the kitchen fetching all of the 'ingredients'. Him and Natalie were 2 peas in a pod. Me and Sadona, Natalie's mom, have set so many play dates. They would play for hours and never get tired of each other. I love seeing the smile on his face when she's around. It makes me think if there is a such thing as young love.
“Mommy!” A voice yelled before I could even step foot in the classroom. A pair of arms wrap around my waist. I bend down to his level and squeeze him to my body.
“Hey, gremlin.” I said pulling away.
Looking into his light brown eyes, which he inherited from his father, they were filled with glee and happiness. A feeling I only had when I was around him. With the way everything has been going lately, he is the only ounce of happiness I have left.
“You came early.” He said.
I smiled at him.
“I know.” I said. “Okay, go get your backpack and say good-bye to Natalie.”
He nodded his head and skipped away. After he said bye to Natalie he came back by my side. We both say bye to Ms. Walker and we head out of the school.
“Mommy. Where we going?” He asked as he noticed we weren't taking our usual route.
“We are going food shopping.” I said.
A big grin spreads on his face. I know he was tired of grits, I was too, but it was all we had the moment. Splurging a little bit on food, wouldn't hurt. Not with those check numbers. I couldn't help but bite my lip at the thought. Less than minimum wage. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm way too proud to use food stamps. I do not like not working for whats mine. My stubbornness is going to kill me one day.
If you don't want to spend it on yourself then spend it on Maleek.
Biting my cheek, I remember the card Sams gave me. Technically, I would be buying it for Maleek. Food is a major necessity. Sometimes you have to put your pride aside, and do what's right.
“Yes!” He yells. “Can we get Oreos?” He asked almost begging.
I laugh and shake my head at him. It's not often that he gets to enjoy junk food. I usually just buy the main necessities and if there is a little left from the budget, then I'll let him settle his sweet tooth.
“Yea. Why not.” I said with a shrug.
“Yes!” he yelled.
We get on the bus and head to the store. Once we get there, I makes sure to get the center items first and then I let Maleek pick out 5 snacks that he wanted. I was trying to be different not crazy, so he had to settle for the store brand. I don't think he cared much for it though. As long as he got his chocolate, cream filled cookies, he would be okay. Once everything was in the buggy, I thought that it was enough. As we walked out the market, Maleek had such a big grin on his face. It saddens me that something so simple can make him so happy.
Hands full of bags, we get on another bus. At last we finally make it home, and I tell him to wash up while I make dinner. Tacos is what he wanted so I decided I would make some. I'm surprised he picked a meal that was in my budget.
As soon as the meat finished cooking, Maleek came out of his room. Fully dressed in his Pjs. We sat down, ate and by the time we were finished, it was only 7 o'clock.
“You can go watch some tv.” I said as I cleaned the kitchen table. He nodded his head and marched towards the couch. Basic cable was what we had. Basic indeed. There was only 50 channels and I'm glad that cartoon network was one of them. I finish cleaning the kitchen and I join him on the couch. He was so into this show. He doesn't even watch TV like most kids because by the time we get home and do our nightly duties, it's time for bed.
The clock hits 9pm and I know it's the weekend but if he doesn't get to sleep soon then his whole slumber schedule is going to fall off course. I already let him stay up late enough.
“Okay, gremlin. Bedtime.” I said standing up and cutting the television off.
He doesn't argue. He just stands up and walks in his room. Is it sad that I wish he would yell and fuss? I feel like he is growing too fast and one wrong move, he will slip away.
I follow him in his room and he is already kneeling over the bed for prayer. I get down with him and he prays as usual. Once we say our 'amens', I tuck him into bed.
“I can't wait for tomorrow.” He said excitedly. “I'm gonna get chocolate, vanilla, mint, rainbow.” He said said naming all the different ice-creams he was gonna get.
“Boy, if you don't calm down.” I said lightly chuckling at him.
This day has just been an emotional roller coaster and quite frankly, I am not amused by this park. This little 5 year old boy is the only reason I'm still here. If it wasn't for him, I would have gave up a long time ago. He's the reason I push for better and reach reach for greater. I will admit that he was an unexpected child but if I had the chance to turn back the hands of time and change it, I wouldn't. Because moments like these fill me with the warmest joy and the greatest blessing. Maleek.
“Mommy, look!” Maleek said pointing to the construction sight in front of us.
I smiled and rolled my eyes at his excitement. He has been peppy all morning. All he wanted to do was play and eat ice-cream. I couldn't help but absorb his cheeriness. If he's happy, I'm happy.
As we stand in front of the park gates, he dazes at the building going under construction across the street.
Cement trucks ooze wet concrete, workers in hard yellow hats hammer away, and bright yellow caution tape is plastered all around the work area. Maleek is in heaven. Buildings, trucks and ice-cream in the same day. Wow, best day ever.
“Yes. I see.” I said staring at the sight too.
I notice the glow in his eyes as he is entranced at this view.
“Come on, gremlin.” I said. “The park is waiting.” I said pointing to the park gates, that we were standing in front of. With one last glimpse at the busy building across the street, he nods and we walk through the gates.
The park was beautiful. Spring was definitely in the air. The flower buds were starting to blossom and the freshly cut grass was a rich green. People walking their dogs, mothers pushing strollers, bikers biking, and joggers jogging. A park couldn't get anymore park-ier than this.
We walk through the park and head to the playground section. Before I know it, Maleek is already sprinting towards the slides.
“Look at me!” he yelled once he got to the top of the slide.
“I'm looking!” I yelled back.
He slid down the slide with a happy grin on his face. He came running towards me.
“Did you see me? Did you see me?” he rushed.
I laughed.
“Yes, gremlin. I saw you.”
“Good. Now Imma do it again.”
I crack up laughing at him. He runs away and back up the slide.
“Be careful, Maleek!” I yell at him.
“I will mommy!” He said with a roll of the eyes.
I stand there and watch him play. He's just so happy without a care in the world. What I would do to be young again. No stress. No problems. No worry.
I watched as he played. Some more kids came along and just like that, they had a big play group. The way he interacted with other people amazes me. It seems that anyone he runs into is instantly attached to him.
The kids end up playing tag, hide and seek, and other child like games. I could tell that Maleek was having a blast. His cheeks have to be hurting, because he hasn't stopped smiling yet.
As I keep an eye out for Maleek, I realize that I should have kept an eye on my surroundings as well. A very hard nudge on my arm forces me to stumble from my standing position. I lose my footing and my feet become tangled. Unable to keep my balance, I fall. At leas I think I do. I waited for the impact of the ground but it never came.
Instead there was a tight grip on my upper arms, steadying me. My eyes were squeezed shut because I was still waiting for the hard fall. I finally came to realization that if I haven't fallen yet then then I doubt I would fall at all. I blink my eyes open and meet a pair of dark but oddly familiar ones.
“I'm sorry.” he said. “I wasn't paying any attention.”
What? I was barely able to comprehend what he was saying because of the swirls in my head. His muscular arms wrapped around me, and the scent of his after shave sends me in a frenzy. He held me so close, I can feel his toned body through his shirt. The intense gaze in his eyes sets fire through my veins and the warmth of his body ignites tingles on my skin. What is happening to me? Mr. Handsome is what happened.
“I-I”
I have to mentally curse myself. I can't even speak. I bet he probably thinks I'm a fool, but that's the problem. I am a fool. A fool that is foolish enough to have a crush on a stranger, knowing that there would never be a slightest chance. Yes, I am a fool.
“It's alright.” I finally spoke, blushing deeply.
I finally realize that he was still holding me in a dip position. How is he still holding me? Are his arms not tired? I definitely know that I'm not the lightest weight, and he's been holding me up for about a minute now. I bet he can't even feel his arms anymore.
I have to frown at my thoughts.
“Oh. I'm sorry.” He said “I didn't mean to hurt you.”
I quickly shook my head.
“Oh, no you're alright.” I said still blushing.
Realizing that I was still in the same position in his arms, I clear my throat. As much as I wanted him to hold me forever, I knew that we would look odd to others.
“Oh, sorry.” he said again, helping me to my original standing position.
There was a silence between us, and I let my gaze fall everywhere but on him. Looking into his eyes would cause my knees to go weak and I think I've had enough accidents today.
“T-Tracy, right?” He said pointing to me.
“Uuh yeah?” I said a little too high pitched for my liking.
What the hell? A grown woman sounding like a yearning teen aged girl. Why does he do this to me? Why can't I stop it? He's a blessing and a curse.
“So the park huh?” he asked
“Yeah. Me and my son.”
If my weight wasn't something to turn from then I bet a child would have him running. The very few men I met were all the same. As soon as child, kid, or son slips away from my lips, they quickly turn away and are never heard from again. I wouldn't blame them though. A child is a big responsibility and no man honestly wants to be tied down.
His eyes widened, but mine did too when these next words escaped from his lips.
“Really? I bet you're an amazing mother." he complimented.
I had to raise an eyebrow and try not choke. He is definitely not like other men. Not running for the hills or rushing for an escape. He actually said I bet you're an amazing mother. What kind of man does that? He obviously must not be from planet Earth.
"Which one is he?” He said gesturing to the park with the playing kids.
I pointed to the little brown skinned boy in the blue collared shirt and cargo shorts.
“That one.” I said with a proud smile.
“By the look in your eyes, I can tell you really adore him.”
Oh he has no idea.
I nod my head and smile cheesily.
“Yes. That boy is my life, my joy and the only reason I wake up every morning.”
Just thinking of Maleek, makes me happy.
He stares at me and there was something hidden in his eyes. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but it was there. I know that I really don't know him but he doesn't have to be such a damn puzzle.
“I can tell.” he said.
Another silence came and I averted my eyes to the playing kids. I wonder why he's still here? Doesn't he have other things to do? Business to handle. I'm pretty sure a working man like him would have more important things to do than talk to big-boned mothers in a park.
“I couldn't help but notice you weren't at work yesterday.” He said almost in a blurt.
I quickly snapped my head towards him. I think my eyes may have been tricking me because I thought a saw a flash of disappointment in his. I doubt it. It's not like he would care. He's probably just trying to make conversation, which I don't understand. This man is so confusing.
“Uh. Yea. I have two days off.” I said lightly smiling.
He nodded his head.
My mind was buzzing in question. Curiosity was at the tip of my head and spirit of inquiry on the edge of my tongue. I didn't want to seem intrusive but my mind was wondering. Because in my head, it didn't make sense. I just had to know.
“Why do you eat there anyway?” I asked. “You seem more....elite.” I noted with a raise of the eyebrows.
He threw his head back laughing. His perfect white teeth flash between his full pink lips. This man is almost god-like.
“Elite, huh?” he asked.
I blush nodding my head.
Can this man make me blush even more? I might as well paint myself red when ever he's around. It's not like it would make a difference.
“Well.” he finally said. “Me and my father use to eat there when I was younger.” he smiled. “We moved from Liberia and let's just say we didn't have the best start. We ate there almost everyday. It was affordable and I guess the food was decent.”
Now that he says something, I do notice a slight accent. If possible, it made him even more attractive. How he could become even more enticing ponders me. It was almost unthinkable.
“Oh.” I said. “Then what made you come back?” I asked even more curious.
He stuffed his hands inside his trouser pockets and shrugged his broad shoulders.
“Relive memories. See how far I came, and I guess find something new.” he said.
When he said that last part, flickers happened in his eyes. His eyes always hold some type of emotion and I can never figure out what it is. I'm always on edge and he's such a mystery.
“Did you find it?” I asked.
His face lifted and a slight smirk appeared.
“I think so.” he replied with a shrug.
Emotion danced in his eyes that I, once again, couldn't read. I bet if he was a book, he would be the best seller. A mystery filled fantasy novel. The only problem is, you can't open it. That's the mystery aspect.
Before I could get another question out he spoke in a rush.
“I'm sorry, but I have to go. It was nice meeting you Tracy. See you soon.”
A slight shiver ran down my spine as my name rolled off his tongue. His newly discovered accent wasn't helping much with the chill either. And the fact that his words, didn't sound like a simple farewell but more of a promise, may have only put me deeper in the freezer.
“Right. Bye.”
I knew that a busy man like him couldn't chat for long, but it still doesn't stop the dropping of my chest. I actually held a conversation with him, and it felt so....natural. It may have only been for a few minutes but it felt like an eternity. It seemed that I could talk to him forever and never run out of words. He was sweet and cunning but very enigmatic. At least to me he was.
He gave me a dazzling smile and walked away. I couldn't help but think about, how we had a whole conversation but I never got his name. Got Dammit,Tracy! I was so into just talking to him, I never even got to first name bases. What a fool.
“Mommy!” I heard. A pair of arms wrapped around my waist and I lifted Maleek up. He was so heavy, but I didn't care. This was my baby.
“I missed him! I missed him!” he whined.
“Missed who, gremlin?” I asked looking at him in question. I was slightly amused by his rush but he seemed quite serious.
He turned his head and started waving.
“Good-bye Mr. Sanyo!” He yelled
Confusion sunk in. Mr. Sanyo? Isn't that the owner of the construction company? He was here? I didn't see him. Well actually, I've never seen him before. I could have had a face to face conversation with him and not have a clue who he was. I have to laugh at the thought. Like that would happen.
I followed Maleek's gaze as he waved.
Mr. Handsome stopped in his tracks and turned his head back. His eyes sparkle and a grin is plastered on his face. With a wink of the eye he turns back around and keeps moving with his hands stuffed in his pockets. My heart drops as I stare at him. He gets lost in the crowd until he eventually disappears.
Mr. Sanyo?
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And the story begins.
If you don't know who Mr. Sanyo is, then you might need to go back to chapter one.
Hopefully one day you will look back at his chapter and catch the clue I dropped......