"This is the day", I said this morning.
I actually thought I can do it for the 8 times of the 10 months of being in a rough, unhappy relationship. It wasn't easy, that's what I know for sure. Although about what I feel, i don't really know. I thought I was able to break up with my boyfriend for the 8 times, because before then, all through the 7 times of trying... I couldn't because I knew he'd be hurt so much. I let all his flaws slip by. I thought for the 7th time he said, he'll change, I really thought he would. And i keep falling for his words that never come true. I didn't care too much if it hurt me, all I was crazy about was his happiness. And I let that control me over anything.
I woke up today, the same place, the same pillow and stuffies he bought me that I didn't ask for. But the same thing I do everyday. I just stare at the ceiling wondering what I'll be off to for today. Got on my phone, hoping I got a good morning text from the most important person in my life. But again, he sleeps in and that's my routine. He wants me to call every morning, and when I do, there's nobody speaking because he's sleeping. Although, when I don't call, I'm in very big trouble. Alright so, I called this morning and no one answered, so I decided to tell him how i felt. I clearly texted,
"I hate doing this, everything we have is honestly a mess. I'm not happy what we are. I hate being controlled by you, I hate how your acting like my dad, how your full of questions of who I'll be hanging out with, if its a guy or a girl. And whenever I have a time with my best friend which is a girl, you try to take that time no matter when. She'll be moving to a different country in a couple months, I can't go follow her. And I can't believe you can't see how I try and give her most of my time. I hate how I have to say this to you. I've put up with so much shit that you've given me. And I'm honestly so tired of it. You barely even trust me, you ask if I'm talking to someone when I'm texting you and I'm always not. And, you always ask what my password for every social stuff I have. Also, you constantly check my messages. No girl would honestly send you a sentence like this for the 8th time. So most of the time I feel so dumb cause I can't do it. I'll say to you, I wanna break up, and then after, Ill forgive you and we're back. And that's another cycle I'm living up to. So i hope you understand and let me be."
Although, just like what I thought... A couple of hours later, he wakes up and sees my text and then here we go again. He's chasing until he gets what he wants. He's not gonna stop. He'll ask the same question for the entire day until he gets the answer he wanted not what I wanted. He only cares about his happiness. Just like me, the only happiness I care about is his. I don't want to be happy with him cause I've tried it for the past 10 months. It didn't work like how people say it would. Although I'm still stuck in the same place, watching myself get beaten up by my own words and actions.
Half of the entire day, it was just him and I arguing again about not giving up on each other. That he promised, he tried everything and he's still trying. But, it seemed like no one understood that I am not happy with our relationship, that I don't want to keep doing this. I texted him that if he needed anything I'll be here. Cause I can never leave anyone that has already been in my life story.
But again he says, no! PLEASE! DONT! I don't want to break up. I'M GONNA KILL MYSELF OMG
It's me, I can't help myself feel worried. Because I don't love him but I care so much. So deeply that no one can never explain. But, I try to be stronger and stay true my words. Although, I can't believe it, it is so hard. I told him that if he doesn't stop, I'll block him because he's just making it a lot harder for himself and I. I felt such a deep deep heart drop when he asked, "may I please stop by and ask for a hug." And again and again, I fall for it. And said, "sure but that's all." But that really wasn't it.
A couple of hours later, I told him that I was just going to hang with my best friend. At first he wasn't gonna let me go, he didn't want me to go until I change my mind. But, he did. He said,"ok maybe I should just let you be for a bit. But, think about this again... I can't lose you. Your all I have left."
I left trying not reply because I constantly reply right after even though I don't want to. I can't just not.
I feel awful if I leave him. "I can't but I have to." I repeatedly said. His parents are divorce, his mom cheated on his dad so he's living with his dad; you think that's a good thing... His dad abuses because he goes through depression almost everyday and his mom doesn't know. His friends don't like him because of his fucked up attitude. But how? How did I put up with all of this?
But I also can't stop thinking about what his life is going to be after I make mine happy. I don't want him to be upset just because he lost the most important person in his life. Well, obviously he will, but what's he going to have after?
Few moments later, my best friend was calling from the phone that connects from the elevator and door. I answered,"hey..."
"Yo, let me in L.O.L" she demanded.
I pressed the 6 which makes the door unlocked from downstairs since I live in an apartment around Sorty Street, it's nearby a supermarket and Starbucks. I ran to the door and unlocked the door and rushed in back in my room and clean it because I rlly just schemed it making sure there isn't much mess.
She comes in and we immediately left and went to a tall hill an