† dallon's pov †
DAL: good morning
bebop: gmorning dal
DAL: so i kinda really miss you
bebop: we saw each other like,, ten hours ago?
DAL: hush
bebop: you could have told me to like shut the fuck up or something but no
bebop: you tell me to 'hush'
DAL: HUSH
bebop: you're so cute
DAL: shut up and hang out with me today
bebop: okay
bebop: where should we go?
DAL: we could get coffee and go xmas shopping
bebop: o shit i forgot about chrismas
DAL: you're such a dork
bebop: stfu and meet me at the Starbucks in an hour
†
brendon sat across the table from me. instead of coffee, like I'd ordered, he gotten hot cocoa. I watched him drink it with something like love in my eyes. brendon really liked hot cocoa, and it was ridiculously cute.
my hands were folded on the table, and he reaches aross and intertwined our fingers. a pain bloomed in my chest as I saw a part of the bandage around his wrist peak from under his sleeve slightly, but I smiled up at him and said nothing.
we'd been sitting in a comfortable silence, simply enjoying the other's presence, until brendon cleared his throat.
"so uhm," he said, still smiling back at me. "who all do you have to go shopping for?"
"elle, frank, my dad, and you," I responded, causing brendon's eyes to widened.
"you're buying a gift for me?" he asked, surprised. I cocked my head to the side, raising my eyebrows.
"of course, why wouldn't I?" I said. I loved him- yes, I hadn't said it yet but I figured he knew- so why wouldn't I buy him a gift? why would he think I wouldn't?
"because I-I..." brendon quickly looked down at the table, blatantly avoiding my eyes. "... I've never helped you. I've never done anything for you."
I squeezed the hand that was laced with mine, my heart breaking at his tone.
"brenny, you mean the world to me," I said softly. "you've done so much for me by just showing up to church that day. I-I," my words caught in my throat. I was going to say it, I was going to tell him I loved him but the words wouldn't come out. he looked up, hope, or excitement, or maybe both shining in his eyes. but all I could manage was, "I care about you."
brendon still held my hand, and still smiled at me, but I could see the disappointment. why couldn't I do this one thing? brendon had been through so much in the short time I'd known him, and I couldn't even tell him I loved him? I couldn't even give him that.
"I-I'm sorry," I whispered sadly to him, removing my hand from his and resting my head in my palms. he leaned over the table, moved my hands from my face, and kissed my cheek a bright blush quickly covered my features.
"it's okay, dal," he sat back down and held my hand again. "I understand, it's a hard thing to say. I know you love me, okay?"
"okay," I looked at our intertwined hands, hoping, he actually knew.
after we finished our drinks, we left the starbucks and began walking to the mall down the street. it was busy, as it should be this close to christmas, and brendon held my hand as we walked.
"what are you thinking about?" I asked him as we crossed the street.
"you," he answered. I smiled, and so did he.
"seriously?"
"yup," brendon said, pushing open the mall doors. "I think about you a lot."
I felt my ears and cheeks heat up, my smile grew wider, and I leaned into his side slightly.
"what about me?" I pushed. never did I think I was very self-absorbed but hey, if an extremely attractive boy said he thought about you a lot, you'd want to know, too.
"well," brendon started, pulling me into a music store. guitars and basses hung on the walls. amps of every size sat on the floor, most of them made by fender. brendon began looking at a hollow body electric-acoustic as he kept talking to me. "your hands, for one."
a mischievous smile crept on his face, yet I silently urged him to continue.
"the way your hands move while you draw. how they flitter and gesture around while you talk, like you don't even realize you're moving your hands." he moved from looking at the guitar to lean up to my ear, dropping his voice to a smooth, golden whisper. "and how they'd look balled in your sheets, late at night, while I held you and fuc-"
I couldn't help myself, I started blushing profusely, and shoved him away playfully. inside, though, I felt like I was chocking. I knew brendon wanted sex but fuck- talking about it, even thinking about it, made me panic. I didn't know what to do. do I have sex with brendon, or do I wait? wait until marriage or at least until brendon and I actually call ourselves a couple.
brendon smiled for a moment, then he must have seen the panic in my eyes, and he grabbed my hand.
"dal, I was joking," he said softly, pulling me closer. "dallon, it's okay. I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to, it's okay."
but I saw the same disappointment in his eyes when I couldn't say I loved him. that was all I did, I just disappointed him. I wrapped my arms around him and he moved us slightly into a corner, out of sight of the few people in the shop.
"I'm sorry," I said, avoiding his eyes.
"it's okay," he repeated. we stood there quietly, brendon holding me and helping me calm down. after a few minutes, my breaths had evened out, and I pulled away from him.
"so uhm," I looked back at the hollow body guitar brendon had found. "who's the guitar for?"
"ryan," brendon said, walking over to it. "hollow bodies are his favorite."
I nodded, and brendon lead us to the other end of the shop. there was an unresolved tension, electric and unstable, yet neither of us addressed it.
brendon checked out a few other things, then we left the small store. I felt uneasy still, and I wanted to hold his hand in hopes to calm myself, but I didn't. I didn't look at brendon, or talk again until we reached the food court.
"are you hungry?" I asked him softly, hesitantly. I was so... wary to speak, so afraid of saying the wrong thing and ending up in another compromising situation. "I'll pay."
"okay," he said, then, very softly, as if he was half-hoping I wouldn't hear, he asked "are you okay?"
I sighed lightly, and lead us over to a table to sit and talk. combing a hand through my hair, I searched for the words to explain how I felt.
all I came up with was, "I'm scared."
brendon was taken back. he bit his lip and drew his eyebrows together.
"why?" he asked simply.
"w-what if I mess up?" I asked, feeling my hands start shaking, so I moved them under the table and in my lap so brendon wouldn't see. "if we- y'know-"
"have sex?" brendon finished for me. I nodded.
"I mean, I can't say that I-I," love you. "care about you. what if I can't show it either? then...would you even still want me?"
tears gathered in my eyes. I couldn't look at him. I couldn't move. I felt trapped. a bomb could have went off and I would just stay rooted where I was, shaking like a leaf. how pathetic. brendon sighed, and then we returned to a painful silence.
finally, brendon spoke.
"nothing would make me not want you," he said, oh-so quietly, practically a whisper. "we promised each other, didn't we? I'm not leaving you."
"but-"
"no," brendon interrupted. "I promised I wasn't going to leave. I intend to keep that promise."
( gay gay gay gay g a y.
anywhores, mack will hopefully update soon, but if she doesn't that's fine.
thanks for reading, you're the greatest, comments and votes are always appreciated and ily!!
- Oli )