As the door closed behind him Marina collapsed against it panting with nervousness, fear and a strong surge of anger. Locking all the doors, she climbed the stairs, and headed to bed. But as predicted, sleep eluded her as her body and mind tried to comprehend what it meant to have him back again. She honestly thought she’d never see him again.
The next morning she could barely manage breakfast; she sipped a coffee and toyed with a bowl of cereal, but ate very little. Nausea sat like a huge lump in her throat, and she could barely swallow the coffee. She deliberated for an age in front of her wardrobe...what to wear! She ended up wearing skinny jeans and a roll neck black jumper that she knew flattered her figure and some chunky silver jewellery. Her hair was longer than when she’d last seen him, rather than a short boyish cut, it was feathered around her head in a pixie cut, but it was still jet black, and easy to style. She deliberately avoided make up, she didn’t want him to think she was trying too hard, that this mattered to her.
The cafe was a short stroll away, and so she grabbed her bag and umbrella and ventured out into the unpredictable winter morning. Braving the wind and the start of a rainstorm, she burst into the cafe with a crash. Looking up she saw an empty table then made her way to it, ordering a coffee as she went. There was a trashy tabloid paper on the table, so she browsed it as she waited. She felt the door open, and sensed him before she actually saw him, looking up her eyes met his immediately and she could see him release a breath; he was obviously relieved that was here, he’d doubted she would come. As he snaked his way through the tables he was glancing around the room, checking it out she realised. Looking for what? People who still wanted to hurt her? How had she missed this analytical and suspicious side of him in the months they spent together?
“I’m glad you came.” He sat opposite her and smiled.
“I am a person of my word Na..Adam, I can’t get used to your change in name.” She offered with a nervous laugh.
He rolled his eyes, “It’s just a name.”
Marina shook her head, “to say that...well it speaks volumes, to me my name was...IS everything. I’ve hated being Anne-Marie the last eighteen months.”
As a waiter approached with her coffee he ordered himself one along with some toast. There was an uncomfortable silence between them and Adam had to break it first.
“Look Marina, I came here because for the last eighteen months you’ve occupied my every thought, Ben kept you hidden, gloating every moment, but I kept on him. I wanted this chance to see you more than anything; I know that I’ve been a bastard, that I’ve done things wrong. But maybe that’s because I’ve worked alone for so long, I’m not used to having to consider anyone else.”
She nodded knowingly, “so ignorance is bliss? I understand your work commitments, I know you had a job to do...but the day after my father was arrested you could have come and told me everything. Explained it all. I’d have been upset, but I’d at least been informed. Instead what happened? You came and took me to bed, broke down my defences even further, so that when the shit hit the fan it ruined me. A lot of that could have been prevented, but you’d have missed out on a shag. Was the choice you made worth it?”
Spelt out like that it seemed so much worse than he remembered. When he set his eyes on her last night he’d felt like a man who’d found water in a desert after days of drought, she looked the same, yet so different, and whilst he approved of the change in her appearance, the increased curves, the mature way she was dressed, held herself, he saw the pain in her eyes and knew that she’d been forced to grow up, that all that had happened to her had had such a huge impact on her. That wicked glint in her eye was now replaced by suspicion, mistrust and anger. And who could blame her. He COULD have done things differently. He knew that now, but he also knew that he’d not known how.
He’d come to Britain hopeful and optimistic, he’d hoped she’d forgive him, that they could make this work...but he wasn’t so sure anymore. With a sigh he reached for her hand, noticing how small and petite it seemed against his.
Marina saw his hand move, then almost recoiled at the sensations that emanated from his touch. No one had touched her in affectionate way since their night together and suddenly the dormant woman in her was woken up.
Snatching her hand away she leaned back in her seat, Adam smiled suddenly seeing a positive sign, “See? You feel it too?”
That annoyed her, “you are so presumptuous! I felt uncomfortable with you touching me, yet you see that as the fact that I still lust after you? That’s all it was Nathan...I mean bloody Adam! All you were was a teenage crush.” She stood and leaned over him, “I’m not a teenager anymore, I’ve grown up more than you’ll ever know and I’m not putting up with this bullshit!”
She walked out of the cafe with her head held high, then she marched down the high street to the library. She wanted to fly to her brother as soon as she could.
Logging onto one of the public terminals she first booked tickets to Lyon and a hire car at the airport. Then she reopened her email account and emailed Sara. She had literally hundreds of unopened emails, most with the subject heading “where are you?” She smiled to herself, that was the only positive thing about her enforced absence...she now had time to catch up with everyone. She’d do that once she’d hugged her brother for at least twenty minutes.
As she left the library she had a smile on her face and a bounce in her stride. She had a flight the following morning, she’d see her brother by midday, her heart surged. As much as the sight of Adam had roused long buried feelings in her, the thought of seeing her brother and Heidi just gave her the sense of family, of belonging, of the safety she couldn’t remember last having, and she couldn’t wait.
Adam was lounging outside the house when she returned, which was a brave move considering it was raining and cold.
“Na...Adam, please can’t you give me some space? I need to time to adjust.”
He shook his head, “adjust to what? I know you’ve had a rough time, but I want to help you through it...”
She almost laughed, “You caused most of it! Take a look at all that happened to me the last two years and tell me why I should trust anyone? Why I should take a risk? Why I shouldn’t spend time thinking about me and what I want? I’ll accept your apology, it’s not really compensation, but I understand that you can’t offer anything else. But now I really have to decide what I want to do. And at the moment, my priority is to reacquaint myself with the family and friends I’ve lost the last two years.” She smiled at him, “if I’m worth it you’ll wait to see if I change my mind.” It was a brave comment, and she had no idea that she was about to say it, but she realised it was the truth, she didn’t hate him anymore, she hated what he did and the fact that he still didn’t see how his actions had made things worse. But she needed time and space to work out exactly what she did want.
“I don’t want to wait anymore!”
She shrugged, “this isn’t about you though is it? I fly to France tomorrow, and from there I’ll be heading to Australia, that is if my friend is still there, if not I’ll go wherever she is. You may be happy putting your life on hold for large chunks of time, but I’m not. I want some 'me' time Nathan, shit...will I ever get used to calling you Adam?”
He tried to smile, though she could see the tiredness, the sadness in his eyes, “Call me Nathan...I love how it sounds with your voice. Will you at least spend the afternoon with me?”
She laughed, “If you want to help me pack then you can stay, I don’t mind that.” Really it felt too much, but she couldn’t let him know that she was so close to wavering.
“I’ll take whatever crumbs you toss to me!”
So half an hour later there were two huge suitcases laid out on the spare room bed and Nathan as he insisted she call him pulled various garments from the wardrobe. Marina was sat cross-legged between the bags and carefully folded every item she deemed appropriate for the snowy Alps to her left or the heat of Oz to her right.
Between them they filled the cases rather rapidly and the checklist that Marina had rushed together was ticked item by item. It was five o’clock in the evening she when sat back with a contented grin, she was ready to go.
“Thank you Nathan, let me at least order in some food to thank you.”
Nathan shrugged, “It was no challenge Marina, I love doing things with you.”
She gave him a warning glance, “don’t!”
He smiled, “I’m going to wear you down Marina Beaufort!”
Another half hour later and they’d returned from the shops with a case of beer and enough Chinese food to satisfy her huge appetite!
They ate in front of cheesy Saturday evening TV devouring the food like two ravenous animals, with lots of cold beer to wash it down. When Nathan disappeared to the bathroom, Marina took the plates and cartons to the kitchen and started to wash the dishes. As she was finishing she heard him enter the kitchen.
“I wondered where you’d gone for a moment!” he exclaimed, turning she smiled, he was leaning against the door frame watching her.
“Well I want to leave the place tidy; I’d hate to come back to a mess.”
Nodding knowingly he walked towards her, “you’re definitely coming back here then?”
“Ben talked about me going back to the States....”
“Ha!” he interrupted, “we all know why that was!” His hatred of the agent was palpable.
She held up a hand, “don’t spoil this evening with petty jealousy, I’m almost back to tolerating you, the last thing it needs is a step back!”
Chuckling he stopped in front of her, and Marina gulped awkwardly, not used to having him in such close proximity. She’d managed to keep distance between them all day, now he was here, too close.
“Don’t!” she breathed when he reached for her, pulled her into his arms.
His lips took the words away. She wanted to fight, but the lonely unloved part of her zinged to life at the feeling of his lips on hers. She’d missed contact, craved attention, and even thought a large part of her brain screamed ‘NO’ that this was the wrong thing, she couldn’t stop this. The fact that he wanted her so badly was both an aphrodisiac and a confidence booster, it gave her the chance to do what until that moment she’d only ever dreamed of, and that was kiss him back, touch him....take control.
Nathan’s hands were all over her, he was groaning against her lips. Marina loved the feel of his hands on her, her body literally pushed into his touch at every opportunity. Within seconds she was half naked, his mouth investigating her breasts, her belly button, then she was tearing at his sweater, pulling it over her head, taking her turn to bite his flat but so obviously sensitive nipples. Her nails raked her back, and she was rewarded with an almost uncontrollable moaning that erupted from his lips. Swinging her up into his arms, he turned and carried her upstairs kicking open the bedroom door and throwing her down onto the bed.
Absence had definitely made the lust stronger and it was a night she would never forget for the rest of her life. Once in the bedroom Nathan had his confidence back, he swept her away, and she loved every moment. Back in LA she’d been naive, immature, overwhelmed by her first experience. Here, despite not repeating the act since being with him, she had desires, needs, and she knew exactly what she wanted from him. After the first desperate coupling, she threw him back on the bed and sought out her own investigations, watching how his body responded to her touch, how he tasted. Taking him in her mouth was something that had repulsed her as a thought until the moment she did it. He was propped on his elbows watching her, unable to believe that this was happening to him, and when she glanced up and met his eyes, the look of pure pleasure took her breath away.
He reciprocated and more, and in a few hours they collapsed against the bed, Nathan tugging a duvet over them. Both silenced by the ferocity, the intensity of their love.
Marina was woken by her alarm at five am; she had a taxi booked for half past. So she showered quickly, dressed and was just collecting her bags when Nathan opened his eyes. She leaned over and kissed him on the lips.
“I had a....wonderful night. Thank you so much.”
“You’re leaving?” he asked sleepily wrestling between the shock of her fully dressed and about to leave, and the fact that she’d got to that point without him waking. Normally he slept so lightly, he was amazed he hadn’t sat bolt upright at her first movement. He’d probably just had the best four hours sleep he’d had in years, and now she was running away from him.
She nodded, “I HAVE to go. There’s so much to do! But thank you SO much! For everything.”
“I don’t want your thanks!” He tried to sit up, but he was struggling to shake off the sensation of sleep. “I want you...this.”
She laughed since waking up she felt empowered, the night had been amazing, but snatches of time like this weren’t enough for her, she wanted life, her life, and Nathan was always going to be separate to that , “What me to come back to the States with you, sit at home for months on end whilst you go undercover, work away from home, then snatch the odd day with you when we can? Or put myself at risk just by being with you?” Marina shook her head, “I deserve my life back Nathan and no one is worth more than that. No one! All I ask is that you shut the door behind you. My neighbour is going to keep an eye on things whilst I’m away.”
She thought she’d feel sad leaving him, but she had SO much to look forward to, so with a grin and blowing a kiss she left the room. By the time he got downstairs the taxi was pulling away, Marina loaded into it with all her bags.