"Appetence (n.) an eager desire; an instinctive inclination; an attraction or natural bond."
Erin had been working on Bucky's arm for a good portion of the morning trying figure out where her first serum had gone wrong. Even after she figured out what the problem was, she only had a theory on how to fix it.
A few days had passed since Bucky revealed what he knew about the symbol, but they weren't any closer to figuring out who D.K. was.
"Can I ask you something?" Bucky said out of the blue.
She glanced up from his metal arm, "No, I don't like cats."
"Darn," Bucky chuckled.
Erin laughed with him, "What is it?" She was curious. Bucky had never really initiated conversations during the times she worked on his arm. He must really be curious if he was now. Another small part of Erin however hoped it was something else.
Bucky hesitated for a moment, "Steve told me that you were one of S.H.I.E.L.D.'s top recruits. That guy with the eye patch, Nick Fury, he had high hopes for you. What happened?"
Erin stopped what she was doing for a moment and looked at him, surprised. He had never asked her such a direct question before. It took her a moment to figured out how to respond. "After... after everything that happened with HYDRA..." She swallowed, thinking of the memories.
Bucky looked down, "After we blew it to hell."
"That wasn't you." She said quickly. He glanced back at her, surprised. She quieted her voice, "Even I know that." His blue eyes stared at her. She looked back at his arm and continued working, "After that, I just didn't see the point anymore."
Another moment passed. "What made you want to be a part of S.H.I.E.L.D. in the first place?"
A ghost of a smile played on her lips, "I'm not sure you would believe me."
"Oh come on," He smiled at her and Erin's heart expanded in her chest. It was in this moment, he looked like Bucky Barnes. She was seeing him as her Bucky from that old picture. There was no trace of the Winter Soldier in his smile.
She dropped his stare, "It was you."
She looked back up to see more confusion flash across his face as he shifted in his seat turning his whole body more towards her. "I don't understand."
Erin bit the inside of her cheek. "My full name is Erin Margret McCall," She met his gaze. "My grandfather... his name was Matthew McCall. He was a sergeant during World War II," She paused, "He served with the 107th, was captured by HYDRA, experimented on, and rescued by Steve... all with you," She paused, "You were his friend."
Something fearful passed over Bucky's eyes. He looked away from her, into a window of some memory she knew she couldn't follow. She swallowed and continued, "After he was rescued, my grandfather worked closely alongside Mr. Stark and Agent Carter, helping develop the bio mechanics division of S.H.I.E.L.D." She said quietly. "And that only happened because of you."
He finally looked at her again, but if he recalled anything about her grandfather he didn't reveal it. Erin had been hesitant to bring up the subject with him. She held a small flicker of hope that he would remember, but she knew it had been foolish to hope. "He always told me the only reason Mr. Stark ever sought him out was because you recommended him before..." You died? You fell? "Well, only you know what happened to you." Her voice was no more than a whisper.
His gaze was distant again, like he was trying desperately to grab onto something, but was helpless as it floated away out of reach.
"It's okay if you don't-" She cut herself off. "When I was little, he gave me a picture. It was of the two of you with Steve. I took it with me everywhere. He... he told me all about you. He said you were a good friend and one of the best men he ever knew."
There was silence for a moment. "What happened to him?" He asked her, his voice hallow.
"He was killed before I graduated high school." She replied. He was quiet as she continued to work. Bucky didn't ask any other questions after that. He simply stared at the wall wearing an expression Erin couldn't decipher. "Alright," She said finishing up, "That's about all I can do today. I need to let the wires cool before I can reset the nerve frames. This is only a another temporary solution, I'm going to need to try and find a quantum magnifier-"
"Erin." He interrupted her. His human hand touched caught her forearm as she went to turn away. He looked at her, that blue gaze always holding her. She should be stronger than this, but right now she wasn't. "Thank you," He said, his voice was low, "For telling me."
Erin nodded her head, "I'll see at dinner."
She left the room as fast as she could.
*****
Erin didn't show up to dinner that night. Wanda knocked on her door a little after 9 and asked her if she was feeling alright.
Erin gave her a courageous gin and told her everything was fine and that she was just tired.
Once Wanda shut the door, Erin removed her box of treasures from its hiding place. Inside contained her entire world. There were letters her grandfather wrote to her grandmother during his time in the war. She didn't remember much of her grandmother, she died when Erin was just a baby, but the letters gave her a glimpse of the kind person she had been.
Her mother's purple heart sat in the box next to pictures of Erin and her brother throughout the years. There were other pictures as well, too many for her to reminisce on. In the bottom drawer laid a stack of folders and a flash drive that contained all of her grandfather and father's work. Some of it was published and some they had never shown anyone. She took it out carefully and spread the papers on her bed.
Erin spent hours mostly going over her father's paperwork. If anyone could help her figure out what the formulas from the other folder meant, it was him. The answer had to be somewhere in his work.
She was only half way through trying to string together her third theory when she heard a noise outside her room. She jerked her head up and looked at the clock, it was a little past midnight.
Erin stacked the papers into the different piles of information so she could keep track of what she discovered and put them back in the box. She got up from her bed and walked towards her door.
Erin opened to door to find Bucky sitting right outside. He looked up at her but didn't say a word, his eyes cautious with an unspoken question.
The locked eyes for a long moment. "Do you want to come in?" She asked quietly.
Slowly, he got up from his spot on the ground and crossed the threshold of the door to her room. Although it was one simple step, the action felt like it was unlocking another door that Erin hadn't opened in years.
*****
They sat on Erin's bed. She leaned against her backboard with her legs crossed and Bucky sat against the wall her bed was pushed against.
They talked for hours. Erin asked Bucky what he remembered of his childhood and what it was like growing up in Brooklyn in the early 20th century. He told what he could, little bits and pieces that still came back to him but he couldn't remember a lot.
He asked her all about her life growing up. What her favorite movies were, what her favorite things to do, things she hated, and weird foods she liked to eat.
"I grew up in D.C.," She said, "My grandpa's work was too important to go anywhere else, but my parents took me to New York with them a lot too." She paused, "Do you... do you remember him at all?"
Bucky's face fell and he shook his head. "I tried. I..."
Erin had an idea then. She reached under her bed quick and retrieved a picture of her grandpa. It was a picture of her grandmother and him at their wedding reception, all smile. "Does this help?" She handed Bucky the picture cautiously.
He took it and looked at him, studying every detail. "Matty..." He whispered quietly. A small half grin spread over his face, "I called him Matty." He looked up at her.
Erin couldn't suppress her smile.
"Ester," He whispered quietly. "That's her name right?" He looked up at her hopefully.
Erin nodded her head eagerly, suddenly overcome with emotion.
"I... I don't remember specific memories, places, but... Everyone loved him." A sly smile played on Bucky's face as he launched into the story of her grandfather.
Mathew McCall was a man of honor. He carried a picture of her grandmother with him everywhere. Above everything else he cared about his family. He was funny and nice to everyone he met. He always looked on the bright side of things. Bucky said he remembered her grandfather's spirit, but it was his kindness that won him so many friends. "I'm sorry I can't remember more-"
"No," Erin interrupted him, "That was..." She couldn't think of words to describe, "That means everything to me." She smiled at him. Instinctively she reached out her hand and grabbed his.
Bucky looked down at their fingers, as if he was debating on pulling away or not, but he simply took her hand and rubbed the top of her knuckled with his thumb. Something in Erin's heart expanded then, like a muscle she didn't know she had. "What was he like as a grandpa?" Bucky asked in return.
So she told him. She told him how her earliest memory of her grandpa was him reading her stories from an American history book and how her father brought her to work some days and she would sit in the lab, content watching the two of them work together. She told him everything he was and everything he had meant to her. Bucky asked about her family, her mother, brother, and her father.
"Did your father inspire you to join S.H.I.E.L.D. too?"
"He was a part of it, but it was my grandfather that really inspired me to want to follow in his footsteps and be a part of it all." She said quietly, "And then my brother joined so of course I had to do exactly what he did." She said lightheartedly. "He was named after you, you know."
"Your brother?"
Erin nodded her head, "James Matthew McCall."
"Wow... I had no idea I had such an impact on Matty." Bucky said with a half grin.
"He was going to ask you to be my father's godfather too, before-" Erin shut her mouth, cursing herself. "Trust me, you were just as important to him as he was to you."
Pain flashed through Bucky's eyes and Erin regretted saying anything about it. "Who were you named after?" He asked trying to change the subject.
"My mom's grandfather and Peggy Carter," She half smirked.
"Your mom? You don't talk about her much."
Erin was quiet, "My mother was a veteran. She served four tours, two in Iraq and two in Afghanistan." Erin swallowed, "She was part of an elite team, people assigned the worst jobs you could think of. She saw things... things that changed her when she came home. She applied for discharge when I was thirteen and I think after that she didn't quite know what to do. I mean, my dad basically raised me and James. Don't get me wrong she was an amazing mother and she served our country bravely, but she was never really... entirely there. I think a part of her was left on the other side of the world..." Erin licked her lips, "When my father and brother... She didn't handle it well. I knew because for the first time since she came home, she was sharp and focused. Thinking back on it, there was something in her eyes... it was like she was back in the Middle East again. It was terrifying. She suggested that I take a semester and study abroad, clear my head, somehow... forget what had happened to our family. What I didn't know was that she didn't want me to know what she was up to." Erin's voice turned to a whisper.
"I didn't go to Oxford for education, I went because I was selfish. I was angry with my mom for shutting me out. All I could think of before I left was 'I don't care. Let her be with her self-pity.' I didn't call or send her emails as often as I should have. I was awful."
Bucky didn't disagree or try to comfort her. Erin appreciated that, "What happened to her?" he asked.
"The last thing she told me was that she had weeded out the men who had worked for my father under HYDRA. She was in New York for the final phase of her plan, but she couldn't..." Erin's voice fell. "They found her body in the Hudson. After her funeral, I went back to Oxford but my first day back in classes I just... I couldn't do it. So I walked out of my first lecture hall and never looked back."
"I know a thing or two about running," Bucky said quietly.
Erin thought about asking him what happened in the two years on his own, but she decided she didn't need to know. Not tonight. "I think everyone does it their own way," She said quietly. Bucky studied her again and it made Erin feel naked, like whenever he looked at her she was stripped of everything she had and there was nothing she could hide from him.
To distract herself, Erin looked over at the clock. It was 4 in the morning, "Well maybe we can exchange travel stories another time." She teased.
Bucky looked at the clock and his eyebrows shot up, "I guess you wanted to sleep huh?"
"You're not tired?" She asked.
He looked down at her bed spread, "I was frozen in sleep for 60 years," He looked back up at her, "It doesn't come as easy as it used to."
The words left her mouth before she could think, "Do you want to stay here?"
Bucky took a sharp breath, like the question pained him. He must have seen the look in her eyes because he quickly nodded his head.
They laid down on her bed. He tucked his human hand behind his head and looked at her and she looked back.
"Can I tell you something?" He whispered. She nodded her head, "I want to remember more. I remember bits and pieces, but... I want to remember my family, my home, Matt, I want my memories back, more than anything."
"I'll help, in anyway I can." She whispered back.
"Thank you, Erin not just for all the work you've done on my arm but... everything you've done trying to make me whole again."
She didn't say anything. She wasn't sure what to reply. "You're welcome" didn't sum up what she was feeling. So she leaned closer into him, his body a pleasant warmth she hadn't realized she needed until now.
"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."
-Thomas Merton