Diary of an intrepid African traveler.
Stoop: porch, patio, terrace
Braai: barbecue.
Lekker: nice, delicious.
Vorshond: sausage dog
Snoek,Bokom: types of fish
Franschhoek; Paarl; Wellington: places in S.A.
Day 1
Got up at 0900 h. Cold
weetabix for breakfast. We waited on the platform for around three quarters of an hour. I stared at the snack machine. It stared back. I had no change. Mum came with a nougat bar, and I dropped chocolate on the floor and didn't clean it up. Leaving
dad was...tender.The train ride took one and a half hours, and I listened to my custom playlist. At the airport, we were crammed
into a lift with about 20 other people. Put the luggage on a trolley 'cause the strap began to saw through my shoulder. At customs, we had to unpack everything. This was annoying. The stupid detector went off, which was unfathomable, for I had _no_ metallic objects, apart, of course, than my zippers.
We waited for 2 hours at the gate doing nothing. In the shops, I saw a copy of The Help. While boarding, a man in the first class line, which boards first, kept looking at our line, and at his watch. Does he want to be before us? Does he feel penistically challenged?
He was wearing a suit. Figures. Our plane was a little Boeing 737-300, and everyone speaks German.This is the smallest plane I've been on in my own memory. I'm sitting in an aisle seat, next to a man I don't know.He's german. The only thing to read was something called the Holland Herald. There's , obviously, a baby, in first class I think, that keeps crying. It's a sort of:
"Waaah-hi-hi- Waaah- hi- hi-hi"
and is very annoying. It becomes louder during taxi/takeoff,
where it starts to replicate my thoughts:
" Whhhyyyy. Whhhhyyy"Mh
The takeoff was especially loud and bumpy, and it took ages before the plane decides to defy gravity.
I seriously thought that we were going to run out of runway. I experienced positive G, and my ears blocked with pressure.
This plane doesn't have any TV (737). We just get a little plane and a map.
Stewardess is a bloke who gave me chocolate chip cookies and Coke.
I wanted 7-up. Got Coke. The overhead monitor says we are doing 5 km/s. Or something like that.
We're a bit further than halfway. This is a 45 m flight, after all. Soon, we will land in Amsterdam.
The landing started normally, with the pilot correcting only now his course at 90° to the runway. I felt a noticeable drop in power, and assumed we were starting to land. Indeed, the trailing end flaps descended and the ailerons remained still, but something was wrong. The ground was approaching alarmingly fast. We landed with a huge bang, and I said this was " The penultimate to a crash".
For God's sake.
In short, it was shite.
We taxied around for ages, looking for a place to park. I'm sure Amsterdam is beautiful, but it was night, and I saw nothing. Mum tells me the hotel is so old they haven't heard of the internet. Let's wait before jumping to conclusions. We bought food at a
Stop'n'plop'cause'yr'to'dropped't'shop shop.
Only to go round a corner and discover a mall like you've never seen before, restaurants and all.
We even saw KLM store where you can buy an authentic stewardess action-figure.
The hotel was fantastic. Free 24 hour everything.
And it looked great too. Except there were stickers everywhere telling you how to act like a human, and what to think ("citizenM says....."). Even the soap says:"Designed to turn even the longest-haul traveller into a sparklingly clean and nice-smelling human being again".
The room was weird. You enter through the bathroom, and proceed to the bedroom. The shower is right there, in the middle of the room. The toilet is right there, in plain view when you come through he front door. Everything is very modern, all white, smooth lines. And it's a tiny room, lacking things like a chair and a table. And privacy. A bit like living in a Toyota IQ.
I shall sleep.
Day 2
We woke up at 6something in the morning. This bed is huge. Showering is a difficult matter; first, you have to be able to turn it on ( this took 20 minutes), then you close the semi-transparent curtain, hide under the duvet and wait. Mum said it it was an unforgettable shower power experience.
Maybe because of the mood lighting, changeable via the TV remote. The room is a complete mess, with bags, packets and food substances everywhere.
I wonder how we're going to check out of here.
The iPod didn't charge last night and I'm typing while it's charging, with my head under the duvet.
It's so bloody hot, and I'm really thirsty. I wonder if anyone will read this if it's posted on Wattpad.
Mum was right. The shower is fantastic.
Managed to sneak out of the hotel undetected.
Loitering. It's cold.
We're at the airport, and want to get hot chocolate.
There's a long line in front of Starbucks, but no worries; we found another Starbucks. We had the American version of a "small" hot chocolate and coffee (called a "tall") with our misspelled name on it. Next to the store, wanted posters. Right.
It was good.
I'm staring at a McDonnell Douglas MD-11 with a huge jet engine in the tailfin. It's awesome-looking, and you'd think it'd go really fast, but according to Holland Herald, it only does a rather average speed ( 700-800 km/h)
In a bookstore, I only saw 1 Jeremy Clarkson, and I already have it.
Wanted to get a mini speaker for my iPod.
Again, we had to unpack for security, and the man fondled me after going through the scanner.
This time, we would be on a Boeing 777-200, with 2 engines that are way to big for its wings.
In the waiting area, there cried a baby. The line through the tunnel-thing was very slow.
I got an aisle seat (yay) but in the middle row (crap).
The baby was in front of us,mand amazingly, it was the same baby from the 737.
There is a TV, but it's tiny and rubbish.
And the plane is exceptionally crowded.
The TV shows people ice skating in the road.
Matter at absolute zero enters a fourth state called Bose-Einstein condensate. I saw that in Holland Herald. There isn't much else to do. A stewardess with a high voice was talking to a baby in Dutch.
A few hours later...
I watched a movie. It was rubbish.
The baby is crying at an impossible pitch.
I'm watching Top Gear with Dutch subtitles.
There's some turbulence.
8 hours of flight to go...
I just noticed a bit of dirt on my iPod that won't come off.
My ears, eyes and legs hurt.
30 minutes to go.
I watched at least 4 movies, and they were all lame.
The iPod dirt seems to be coming from my pocket. I could really use a hot cloth right now, to clean the pod.
There has been a lot of turbulence. In 11 hours, I only went to the toilet once. Amazing!
We reached top speed (1001 km/h) and had an exterior temperature of -60°C.
Pilot says we're going to land soon. It's been a loonnggg flight.
We landed, much better than in the 737.
Time:22:20
Temperature:21°C
We met up with the uncles and my cuz.
We rode home with 4 people in the back of the Toyota.
Food. Drink. Sleep.
Day 3
I woke up at 9 am. We cooked breakfast; there as bacon, eggs, sausages and toast. I made the toast, and it was slightly underdone.
At the house, there are a lot of dogs. Blacky, Murdoch, Billicky, J-lo, Arumagum, Mini-J-lo and Mini-Billicky.
I met Zeta and Sebastian, who are really lightweight.
The stream is full of garbage, and the grass feels weird.
There's a little hole in the fence, so the dogs keeps getting through.
Auntie Jackie still has really short hair, and the uncles look exactly the same as last time.
I thought we were going to see guinea-fowl, but there aren't any.
I just noticed: they boarded up the bottom of the stairs, so small dogs and cats won't fall through.
Still, those steps are way to narrow.
Later...
At the mall, a Russian woman gave Rodrique a manicure and told us about magic. She then got mad when we didn't buy anything.
We went fish shopping. Snoek, but no Bokoms. Aaaarrgghh!!!
It's sort-of raining, and we have 2 options:
-1-Braai outside, in the wet air and wind.
-2-Braai indoors, no atmosphere.
We chose secret option 3:Use the porta-cue under a corrugated metal roof. (later changed to option 2.)
Good snoek.
Day 4
I got up at 10 o'clock, and had cereal, a shower, watched Disaster Movie, and had a chip bun with vinegar. Spent the rest of the morning watching South Park and eating trifle.
Brandon got his first job yesterday. He's a waiter, and we took him to the restaurant
I'm impressed by the sheer number of classic Microbuses and Golfs, some quite tricked-out.
We bought fish at a factory shop, a shop that stocks and sells large quantities.
Auntie Jackie took the car and the other car's keys aren't here.
I'm watching Disaster movie again.
Day 5
Up at 10:40.
We blocked the dog-hole ( hole in the fence through which dogs may pass), and went to the park, but the blockage wasn't full-proof, as the dogs arrived with us at the park. Bro got upside down, and Doki went into someone else's garden. I re-blocked the dog-hole, then un-blocked it. We're going to a cheese and wine tasting farm thing.
I only had some mozzarella, and it wasn't great. But the wine, very nice, a sweet and spicy strong dark red, then a rooibos non-alcoholic, and finally a light, dry white. Mmm, I'm becoming a wineist.
Day 6
The days are starting to blur together. In my breakfast, there was a majority of white flakes over brown ones.
It's midday, and the sun hovers overhead, shining it's burning rays into the corrugated metal roof a above me. All around me, the sound of wildlife: the tweet of birds, the chitter of insects, the wind through the trees, and the rustling of the tablecloth.
It's a magical sound.
Gabby says hi. I can see uncle John from here.
Less things are happening. Most of the time, I'm either sleeping, lounging or writing, things that aren't worth recording in this diary. It will get longer in the last 2 or 3 days. Remember, I'm on holiday.
SOS is on the radio. It's a rubbish song. In the room where I'm sitting, there's a piece of elastic dangling from the roof. I wonder what it's there for.
In the park, a strange insect noise, and a distant car alarm. Bro found a right angle pipe.
Many Golfs come by; some old, some new, all modified.
I'm in the park, waiting for Bro and Gabby to come back with money. A man in a Golf asked me, in Afrikaans, if I had any ice.
Weird.
Had a JC (small plastic pouch of frozen fruit juice,R1), came home and had some Stoney (Stoney ginger beer, drink of the gods.)
A loud car went by, and I wondered who's so dumb as to try and tune a Hyundai Atos.
It's so hot, like 20° C in the shade.
The car heat wasn't so bad, 'cause it was in the shade (thank God). We're going to the Spur (steak and rib house).
The entire population of Paarl (191000) seemed to be concentrated in that restaurant.
Gabby got a sticky ball-thing.
At a camping shop, there was a R1000 hunting knife, magnesium fire starters and a mirror telescope.
We bought some more Stoney and some koeksisters.
It's Friday night n*****s!!! And we're going to Tyger Valley (look it up!!).
I saw the Taal Monument, which looks very Halo/Covenant. It's 20:00.
The sun is setting behind the mountains.
We're passing the vineyards of Fairview. It's all effing beautiful.
Ahead, the legendary Table Mountain. I took a photo from the car. There's some pylons in the way.
While filling up, I learnt that it's always done by someone else.
In the end, we spent 20 m walking around looking at empty shops. Bought some wet dry meat.
Pizza for supper.
Day 7
10 am.
Nothing's happening.
Way later...
Pool. Nice. Cold.
Even later...
Braai. Everyone's here. Feast of sausages. Welcome to South Africa, biotch.
Day8
Sunday. 7:30. Pretty early, right?
Couldn't sleep. Impossible. Too hot.
I put my cereal in the microwave for so long that the rice crispies and milk fused into a sort of goop.
At church, a woman sang spectacularly loud.
The district elder came to our house and we talked for ages.
Day 9
Slept badly, and my back is killing me. More South Park. Garlic bread.
Went to Canal Walk, and saw Immortals. It was awesome.
Had a giant cookie.
We lost the car: our reference point was a glass building, but upon exiting the mall, we discovered that there were in fact 7 glass buildings. Leaving the parking lot was very slow also. On the way home, saw a tricked out Beetle.
Day 10
8:45
For breakfast, a cheese sandwich, but flattened to the thickness of 1 slice. Mm. Went to buy chicken liver.
Didn't get liver.
While waiting in the car, at least 20 VW Polos went by.
We went to Taal monument, which is very cool. We were perched precariously upon a rock at the edge of the mountain. View was awesome.
Really tired.
Sleep.
Day 11
Toast with peanut butter. Mmm.
Visit to uncle Clarence, who has a big dog called Blacky. Ate ice cream, fruit salad, and frozen jelly.
Spur: milkshake, rib platter.
Uncle Granville came in while we waited.
Nothing.
Day 12
Early rising.
I'm reading Dean Koontz's Velocity. In 2 hours, i've done 300 pages. Cool.
Everyone is either asleep, out or Anne, the maid.
Breakfast, reading, then another breakfast.
Day 13
We went to the beach marketplace. I wanted to buy a t-shirt with a wolf on it, and a pendant to match. Jaaaag for sale: 1300 €. Might get it for B-man's matric. I found a new thing: wildlife photography. Got a seagull.
On the way home, I thought of something:
"When veiled, shiny things sometimes shine brighter."
Brandon does not acknowledge the peck- flicking abilities of Vin Diesel.
I mastered a shake-your-head-take-of-your-glasses-and-wiggle-your-eyebrows kinda thing.
Went to a friend of B-man. He's got a turbo on his shelf and five buckets of muscle powder.
We push-started a Beetle.
Watched Johnny English reborn.
Awesome.
It's been a good day.
Day 14
Bugger. Already 2 weeks.
I woke up at 6:30, went back to sleep and re-awoke at 10 o'clock.
It's another hot day, the burning African sun heating the corrugated metal roof to temperatures to compete with the afore mentioned sun.
We went to the pool, where there was an awesome diving board, like 10 m high.
It's Christmas eve, and I'm eating cheesy pizza.
Day 15
Brandon woke me up at 6:25. I was greeted by the Crazy Frog Christmas album.
It's christmas. Woo.
Got a load of stuff. Lekker.
At church, it was really hot, and it's quite hard to sing "O come, all ye faithful" when it's 20° in the shade.
Uncle Granville did the service, and was smiling throughout. He said "peace" like a dozen times.
Visited people with dogs.
Everyone speeds in S.A. We're doing 100 in an 80 zone and no one's going any slower.
We're heading to Caledon, which is on the other side of the mountains.
The mountains are of an indescribable beauty, of which I have many photos.
Actually, I don't have that many, but I can say that some bits look like Wales.
At Alex's house, we ate loads of trifle, ice cream and cheesecake.
I'm getting rather good at baton. The sky is covered by a thin film of cloud-matter, and the mountains look even better this time around.
Day 16
A new day, a new pair of underwear. Specifically, the size S pants I got for Christmas.
We went to Ratanga Junction, a big amusement park near Century City. There were many rides, but the ultimate was the Cobra, a ride where your feet dangle in space, that moves faster than a speeding Ford, and from which you can see the ocean. Not all the time, though, because you're mostly upside-down, with your face in your crotch. Seriously, I'll sue them because, now, I won't be able to have children. Oh, and two guys poured 3 buckets of water over my head before I went on a ride. Had myself a choc 99.
I wanted a tattoo, but didn't get one.
We barbecued some spicy pepper steaks. These were hot. And delicious.
This has been a Good Day.
Day 17
We're at the V&A Waterfront.
It smells of fried fish.
In front of us, the sea, behind us, the mountains. We're walking aimlessly down the street, and I'm bringing up the rear, typing as I go. Saw a Nissan GTR.
I'm on a topless tour bus, and we're going through Cape Town, seeing many monuments, including District 6. I think this is where they got the name for that movie.
I can witness a beautiful phenomenon: the clouds are literally rolling off Table Mountain. It's awesome.
We're passing Camps Bay, the most beautiful place I've ever seen. In the distance, a gas transport ship passes slowly.
Here must live the rich and famous. It's like south African Beverly Hills. According to the bus, you can do celeb-spotting.
There's a miriad of Minis, a few Porches (not proper ones though) and even a Lamborghini Murcielago.
We walked through the crafts market, and nothing has changed since last time.
We went to the gym, to see what Brandon does for most of his time. It seems half the time he works out, and the rest he toys with his Blackberry.
We then had some drinks, got pizzas, and sped home. My uncle is a fast driver. Sometimes, I want to yell "for God's sake man your wife's a cop!!"
Anyway, we got home in few enough pieces to eat triple decker pizza.
Have you ever eaten a triple decker pizza?
No?
Well you should. You're missing out on something.
Day 18
Up early, then off to the gym.
Doing bench presses is harder than I thought it would be, and 7 km/h is faster than one thinks.
But all is well in my world. Yours?
Visit to Franschhoek, in wine country. There's a lot French over there, and the views are stunning.
I had a sophisticated pancake, one with apple and cinnamon. Bro had a banoffee one.
Franschhoek is like, half central France, half California, with a sprinkling of Africa.
You've got the French names, the the West Coast wine and mountains, and the little African craft shops. I saw a yellow furry handbag, and a intricately styled leather gun case.
Later, I ate some batter-fried fish intestines.
At an uncle's house, we feasted on fish, ribs and sausages. We then played Tekken 5 for an hour.
To get in the house, B-man climbed on the roof and through the window. Again.
It seems that Blacky has been renamed Max.
I am realising that updating my diary has grown into an obsession, a need that must be fulfilled before I am content.
Whatever.
Day 19
All the cats are on the stoop. 4 of them.
A man is watering the concrete.
I had a light breakfast of a bowl of cereal with an egg on top.
I'm back at Camps Bay, where there are Hummers, Minis, Porches, Beemers, a Lambo, a Mustang and a Mazzer.
We're listening to the World's Most Annoying CD. It's not even music, just a hash a bits from other songs. Where's the musical talent in that??
This city is in a mountainous bowl, with the sea on one side. They'd be buggered in the case of a tsunami. But this is South Africa. So they won't be.
It's called Bay Harbour, which are both the same thing.
Traffic...More traffic...
I never knew M3s looked so good.
We're going on a glass bottomed boat (photos promised) to seal island, where seals live.
It turns out, it not "glass bottomed" per se, more of "has windows below the water line", out of which the view is an opaque greenness. The boat itself is quite nice, with a bar.
My cousin's girlfriend is actually called Faith! Get that. I've only seen that name in a video game. Awesome.
Up top, the there are seas of green,
And skies of blue.
Mountains are cool.
No seals in view.
In our party, there's Brandon, Granville, Gian, Gabs, Bro, Florence, Gustave, Faith, Jaqueline and me, Connor.
Jacky's hydrophobic.
Apparently, seal pups are as big as house cats. I seriously doubt this, but whatever.
There's a lot of what look like periscopes.
Barbecues are attached to the back of the ship.
The wind's sole purpose is to lift up my t-shirt and show the world how fat I am.
It's getting choppy, and Jackie looks like she's going to hurl.
I look around. I see people with scars on their arms. I fit in; I have burn mark from a barbecue accident.
Seal island is exactly what you'd think it is: an island made entirely of seal meat.
Not really. It's actually a rock covered with seals. They like to pose for the cameras.
I was nearly chucked off the boat, so choppy is the sea.
Sorry, no photos from below deck.
I'm at the Table mountain cableway, where the lavatories really set an example. However, the line is longer than that at the Cobra.
Now, up!
I've been in a cable car before, but this one is faster, bigger, better. It's also circular, and the floor rotates. And, unlike the last one, you can see outside. This is good, because th views are stunning.
Although I took a lot of photos, no amount of pixels or words can truly show the unparalleled beauty of Table Mountain. Every rock, every flower, hole, ridge, detail must be seen. It is the most beautiful place I have ever been.
You have to go there. You have to see it. It is one of the Things to do Before you Die. It is truly awe-inspiring.
And I happened to go at sunset, when the sun gave the World an orange tint, rendering everything a thousand times more impressive.
The sight of it will stay with me forever.
Day 20
I got up so late.
Everyone's gone. It's just me, bro and Gabby.
Gabby's shouting "white people" out the door. I don't know why.
Lots of visiting people. I got my Xbox fix. There was a dog with fur like an accordion.
I come home, everyone's lying around, the fan is on the shutters are down.
At uncle Edgar's house, we swam and feasted like kings, and I learnt the true meaning of dominoes, a game where the prize is eternal glory, and the stakes are your pride as a man. A million stars shine in the sky, and the moon hangs low in the sky, a few millimetres above the horizon, sometimes disappearing behind the mountains.
We partied into the night...
Day 21
I had ice cream for breakfast, and more ice cream at Wimpy's. I'm so full of ice cream right now.
Everyone's at church, and me and bro are at home, thinking chemistry.
B-man's at a party, and Gabs' at an uncle's house.
Church was 45 m long, but there's another one tomorrow.
It's the last day of the year, but I'm not doing the whole count-down thing. I'm way to tired, so I went to bed half an hour before the end of the world. Hopefully, I'll see you tomorrow.
Day 22
Happy new year people!!
And we didn't all burn in a sea of molten dinosaurs. This is very good, because it means I can keep writing, and you can keep reading.
Outside, it's the best possible weather, a blue sky, lightly drizzled with cloud, and a sun that illuminates but doesn't cook you where you stand. Arumagum is doing stretches on the stoop, working his doggy legs and yawning a doggy yawn. For church, I'm dressed in my whole polo-chino outfit, complete with jewellery and assorted bracelets.
I'm recalling a half-tree half-cactus I saw yesterday. A true oddity, a freak of nature.
We're going to have a Braai party. I sprayed the dogs with the hose. For the first time in 2 years, I tasted bokom, a fish akin to mackerel. You eat the skin, the flesh, the guts. I even ate a few bones. Yum yum.
Lots of people came, and they're just sitting in the sun.
After many futile attempts at locking them up, the dogs are roaming free. Except Max, who, sadly, had to go to his new owners, Seb and Zeta.
I was beat in dominoes by my 5 year old niece. Get that. I'm 13 and I have a niece.
I feel somewhat protective over her, my niece.
We returned to the pool-party house, to use their pool. We ate chocolate cake.
My stay here is coming to an end. Bugger.
Day 23
Up at 8 o'clock, because I have a hairdresser's appointment real early.
It's 9 o'clock and still no hairdresser's. I'm now very good at the baton.
My hair looks nice now.
Sometimes I wonder how I would look with blue or orange hair.
It's my aunt Florence's birthday, and we all knocked back a sherry for luck.
I then ate some raw fish guts, and now my insides hurt.
We met up with Alex and co. and went to wonderland.
We then checked up on Max at Zeta's, and I met a big dog called Venus, who licked my face off and crushed my balls with her paws.
I'm back at auntie Florence's, and there's sherry, sherry trifle and chocolate cake, without sherry.
Day 24
This is the last day of my stay. We're leaving this afternoon. But still, we can make the most of this day. Let's see how it turns out.
We're out of milk. Funny; 3 weeks and we run out of milk only right at the end.
I'm dreaming of the 30 cm blade I saw in saw in Canal Walk. Only 20something euros.
Brunch. Eggs fry. Bacon sizzles. Bread toasts. It's a beautiful thing.
We ate a full English breakfast.
Ate the mall, we bought another Clarkson book and a bumper pack of biltong.
I've lost my one ring, my precious. Don't laugh. I'm quite sad. It might be in a pocket somewhere.
I'm at the airport.
We waited for half an hour while G-man parked the car in a better spot than "30 minute limit".
Traveling's nice but flying's a pain in the arse.
" Da air is warm and da soda is cool ma arse hurts from travel but cream soda helps with dat
Waitin 4 pizza waitin is long bored out of my mind but cream soda helps with dat
Applying to da Olympics I might win need a boost cream soda helps with dat"
We all had ice cold milkshakes.
We were very late for our flight. We had to..well not run, more of jog to keep up with the big guy carrying our bags.
We're on a 777 with only 2 engines and worryingly short wings.
Due to either a massive problem, or more likely to the fact that we're flying with Dad's airmiles, we landed in business class. BOOYAHH.
The seats are epic. The TVs are enormous. The footwell is cavernous.
There's a baby. Again.
We're taking off. The sun is setting behind the mountains, and is filling the cabin with a golden glow.
Good bye South Africa. Goodbye mountains and wine lands. Goodbye Paarl, Frannschhoek, Caledon, and Cape Town. Good bye Cream soda, Stoney ginger beer and biltong. Goodbye family, friends. We will miss you. Goodbye, but not forever, because we will be back. You can't keep us away for to long. We will return!
I can see the sea. It's beautiful. We didn't even go swimming.
"The world is mine oyster. With my sword I shall open." Shakespeare.