I'm not in love with Nick.
I'm not.
Do I like Nick? Of course! He's Sam's boyfriend. Why wouldn't I like my best friend's boyfriend?
Do I like him in an inappropriate way? Ugh. No! Stop. That would make me a horrible friend.
Oh god. That would make me a horrible friend.
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I wish we could control our feelings. Some people say we can, but I don't believe that. I can't believe that. Sam and I were watching a movie the other day, and one of the characters said we choose who we fall in love with. That's bullshit. No one chooses who they fall in love with. That's why it's called falling in love. You're just walking along, minding your own business, when all of a sudden- BAM. You free fall. There's supposed to be pavement below your feet, but there's not. You're off balance with no idea which way is up. You're hanging in the air, hoping that you don't hurt yourself when you eventually collide with the ground.
As you're suspended in the air, you suddenly start noticing how beautiful he looks when he smiles. There's a genuine quality that just lights up his whole damn face, which is suddenly more attractive, more filled out. And in studying his face, you start noticing the crinkles in the corner of his eyes. And his eyes. It's like you blinked and could swear that they'd changed. Like he captured a few stars and trapped them in the blue and green seas he holds in his eyes.
And then to make things worse, you start imagining him naked. You see his shirt and jeans but all you can think is what's underneath there? Where are his tan lines? Does he have hair on his chest, or is it smooth? Is it soft? Or maybe it's hard, full of muscles from weight lifting every Tuesday and Thursday? The very thought of it makes you hot and uncomfortable, so you try to block it out of your mind. But then you think about his hands, and how rough they look. Like he's spent his whole life using them to build. Like he's made magic with his hands. He's created things out of thin air with those hands. Those hands could hold you. One could cradle your face while the other runs down the curve of your back, going lower, lower, until they reach-
Then your best friend turns to you and laughs at the dumb movie you're both watching, and you remember that you're fantasizing about her boyfriend, and you feel like the biggest piece of shit on the planet.
So, no. I don't believe we choose who we fall in love with. Because then why the hell would I choose to fall in love with Nick?