Fast forward a few days, and I still felt guilt weigh down on my shoulders from not responding to Nate.
Part of me was convinced that he hadn't even noticed, but another part of me wished that he would. That he would email me in a week or so and ask me "where've you been?" or "are you okay?"
Or, in my pettiest dreams, "I'm sorry for choosing Ian over you. It was the biggest mistake of my life. Come back."
I was pathetic.
Wishing for a guy I couldn't have as if he were the last one to exist.
Fuck that.
I twisted in bed, unable to sleep despite it being late well into the night.
Even Dan was all cuddled up and spooning his new girl, eyes screwed shut, arm slung over her waist.
I tore my gaze away from them.
It wouldn't even last long. I gave it twenty four hours at best.
I readjusted my pillow.
It would still be day time where Nate lived. In that apartment he shared with Ian. The dog probably yapping for attention somewhere while they ignored it, making out in the kitchen while Nate held a mug of steaming, hot tea between them.
Nate in fuzzy socks and a hoodie half-hanging over one shoulder. He was probably warm, especially if Ian had his tongue down his throat.
Warmer than the cold in my dorm room.
My phone buzzed from my bedside table, and I grabbed for it like the desperate man I was.
Scarlet.
Please tell me you have his number
Who's number?
Raphael
How the fuck did you know?
You're such an idiot. Text him
Now?
There's a reason you're awake
Gross. What are you insinuating?
Shut up
I'll text him but only if you promise to stay out of my business
No
For an hour
Ok
I turned on the lamp beside my bed and grabbed the paper I'd copied Raphael's number onto, and transferred it to my phone.
Then I stared at the 'message' button for what seemed like an hour.
Hey
Who's this?
Scarlet was right. I was an idiot.
Jake
Oh, hey. What are you doing up so late?
Could ask you the same question
Late shift
Ah
What's up?
Scarlet thought I should send you a text
And you do everything Scarlet thinks you should?
I flipped my pillow over.
Okay rude
I was genuinely curious
Right you were
So you've sent me a text. What next?
Did she leave any other instructions?
Funny
I'd like to think so
We should hang out again. Somewhere other than that tea shop
Agreed. I think you'll start associating me with garbage bins after this
Oops, I think it's too late for that
A minute went by while I fiddled with my thumbs, tapping them against the sides of my phone.
Can I call you?
I sat up as if he'd just walked into the room.
Right now?
If you're free
Yeah
I am
Lemme just leave the room. Dorm mate's asleep
Sure
I slowly got out of bed with the thought of his abrupt request.
"Hey," I spoke into my phone.
"I would've called you."
"Doesn't make a difference."
There was something about hearing someone's voice over the phone for the first time, adjusting to the difference in sound.
"Student loans?"
I gave a chuckle, mindlessly walking farther away from the dorms. "Good point. Where are you?"
"Behind you."
"Of course you are."
"Did you check?"
"No."
I did.
He snorted. "Right."
"So why'd you call?"
"Sort of have a job in mind for you."
"Yeah?" I leaned against a wall in the hall.
"Yeah. Meet me at the store tomorrow. I'll walk you there."
"Do I get a hint?"
"Nope."
"Nice."
"I'll see you tomorrow."
I glanced down at my phone after he ended the call.
You could have texted me that
No
Yes
He didn't leave a reply.
**
We took a trip up the mountains which is why I couldn't talk to you for a bit. Sorry about that. Nic enjoyed it, I think. He cried a little on the way up and I felt like doing the same, the bumps we had to drive over were infuriating. I think I banged my head against the window at least a billion times.
Anyway, Dad drove and Mom sat next to him on the passenger seat while Nic and I sat at the back with Ian. It was nice seeing my dad like that, doing things like normal parents would. Road trips. I wish it wasn't a few years late, though. I would have liked it a lot better when I was a kid. I used to dream about it. I would be sitting at the back with Devin and we would be jamming to whatever we listened to back then. Probably some Fall Out Boy.
Ian and my dad started on the tents right away. I tried to help but I got bored and stayed in the car with Mom as she fed Nic.
Then we tried cooking, which was a huge fail because someone forgot to get sausages and we were left with canned beens and corn.
But it was fun. You should go sometime with Raphael. Just star gaze or do something just as cheesy-romantic.
I have a few assignments to work on. School sucks, I wish it was just you and me in my apartment again, but I'm doing okay. I'm passing, at least. Ian says he never got the grades I'm getting in his first year, so I'll take that as a good sign.
What have you been up to lately? You should go out more, make more friends. I've made a few new ones, but I still go to Tom more than anyone else. He knows too much to get away.
I know you're with Raphael but maybe find someone else for when you two aren't together.
Gotta go, Ian is kissing my neck and it's really distracting.
-Nate
I stared at my screen for a long time before I could close the app.
Kissing his neck.
I could remembered how that felt. His soft skin against my lips, how he'd stretched his neck for me, how he wouldn't let me leave any marks on him no matter how much I tried to convince him with my tongue. I remembered how he used to bite his lip and moan involuntarily. I did that. I managed to make him feel good at some point.
Now it was Ian. I could imagine them, Nate's fingers in Ian's hair, breathing loudly and-
I pulled out a blank page and began typing out a response.
Hey,
I'm glad to hear that everyone's well. I miss everyone back home, I think I will have to drop by soon.
I paused, taking a shaky breath.
I miss you.
I stared at the words I'd just typed out. The cursor blinking, waiting for me to continue.
Holding my breath, I continued.
I miss being with you.
I lied to you. I haven't moved on. I still want you. I still think of kissing you, holding you, just like I used to.
There is no Raphael, I made him up. I lied. Not intentionally, it just happened. You were going on about Ian, moving on, and I just blurted it out.
I don't know what I was thinking. It was so stupid of me. I've never lied to anyone like that before, especially not to you and I hate to start now. Not after everything that went on. I don't think either of us deserve that.
I found a tea shop. It reminds me of you so much that I've been there three times in a week already. I miss the way you brewed your own tea. The taste of it on your lips. The café you'd always go to. The different flavors of tea you'd order, ones that I only knew existed because of you.
I miss the look of concentration on your face whenever I taught you a new concept. You were so invested in everything I said.
I'm sorry, because I let this happen. It's my fault. I should have just told you that I wasn't over you. You wanted this and I liked you too much not to let you go. You're happier now.
But I'm not. I wish there was another you. Someone exactly like you, just...for me. It's selfish, I know.
I don't know what I'm doing. I just miss you. Being with other people only temporarily numbs my feelings of need towards you. I need you. I need to pass by your apartment, pet your dog, sit on your couch watching cartoons until you pass out, watch your eyes grow heavy with sleep, run my fingers through your hair...kiss you.
Yours truly,
Jake
I shuddered and exited the page without sending it, automatically saving the message as a draft.
**
Waking up the next morning was all right.
For five seconds, before I remembered my email to Nate and instantly wished I could burry my head back in my pillow.
I tried forgetting about it by rubbing my face and glancing at Dan's side of the room.
He was still asleep, but the girl was gone.
Less than twenty four hours?
I sighed.
I got ready to leave in under ten minutes, glancing at Dan before I left.
I thought of waking him up, but his sleeping face didn't have that smug expression it did when he was awake, so I let him be.
Raphael was smoking a cigarette and waiting for me outside the store, leaning against a lamp post.
He dropped the stick on the ground and twisted his foot against it. "You look like shite."
I snorted. "Thanks. Someone kept me up."
He raised his eyebrows. "I have a feeling you're not referring to our texts."
I ran my fingers through my hair. "Nate emailed."
"Did he break up with you again?"
"Ha. Ha. No, he thought it was cool to include the fact that his boyfriend was kissing his neck."
"Harsh. What could you possibly see in him?"
"Shut up."
He smirked. "C'mon. Ben's waiting...Well, not really. I haven't told him about you yet."
"Great," I said drily. "So how do you know this guy?"
"We met at the shop about a year ago," he said, and I wondered how long he'd been working there. "The idiot tried selling us some really old tea cups."
"Then what?"
Raphael scoffed. "We obviously turned him away, but him and I started talking to the side and he continued to swing by whenever he could. He still does."
"I see."
He raised his eyebrows. "Lick your wounds and get over it. Ben doesn't do self-pity and broken hearts."
I sucked in a deep breath and nodded.
"I still don't understand how you can be this hung over someone."
I shrugged. "It's just this feeling of need. When you miss someone, it's like...It's hard to explain without it sounding like a complete sob story."
"It already sounds like a sob story."
"Thanks."
"It just," he gestured with his hands. "This doesn't seem worth it. Letting yourself down over one person."
"What? You've never been in a relationship before?" I asked.
He shook his head. "Nothing real. I've been with several people, but I never felt loss after they left."
"Were they all women?"
He laughed. "I wish I could say yes. That would make more sense, yeah?"
"It would definitely make things easier."
"No," he shook his head. "The last time I was with a woman was when I was still in the closet. I couldn't go further than making out."
"Then what's the problem?"
He shrugged. "I think I just haven't found someone whom I click with very well. Sex is sex, you know? It feels good with anyone, but the other stuff just doesn't do it for me."
"Sex feels different when you do it with someone you really like," I said.
"Does it, really? Did you try it with Nate?"
I shook my head. "We didn't get that far."
"Then how do you know?"
"It just makes sense. You're already connected to them mentally and emotionally. Add physically? I can just imagine," I said, meeting his eyes.
He looked away.
I continued. "It's the same with kissing someone you like versus a drunken kiss at a party. Or even a sober one. With Nate it felt stronger, like I wasn't kissing his lips, I was kissing him. Everything that I liked about him."
"Wow," he said. "It sounds like you don't just like him. You're practically in love with him."
"I don't think so."
He rolled his eyes. "What's your theory now?"
"If you love someone you can't stop thinking about them. You can't be with anyone else. You can't live across the globe from them."
"You're barely doing any of those things," he said. "So what if you're in love with him?"
"I'm not."
"What's wrong with admitting it?"
"Nothing, it's just not true."
His jaw ticked. "Whatever."
I was grateful when we got to the store only a minute or two later.
The display windows showed nothing but a dim room filled to the brim with all sorts of trinkets. From behind the door, I could see a tiny coffee table, an extravagant megaphone, a broken piano, and paintings all over the walls. Some even overlapping others.
Raphael walked past me and pushed the door open, a tinkling sound following his entrance.
I trailed after him, letting the door fall shut behind me.
My eyes scanned the tight room. The cluster of furniture was almost comforting, warm even.
Another examination of the area and I spotted shelves running down the length of the shop, so full of items that it was hard to see they sat upon anything at all.
There was a counter to the right of the store. An old, wooden desk with almost all its paint scratched off and a leather seat in equal condition perched behind it.
Raphael reached over the desk and his hand fell against a golden bell which he repeatedly rang until a muffled voice sounded from a door behind the counter.
Raphael glanced at me, giving me a once over. "It's a lot to take in at first glance. You should tuck your shirt in."
I did as he said, then played with my hair. A nervous habit ever since I grew out.
"Your hair looks fine," he said, stretching a hand towards my head and running his finger through my hair.
I followed his movements as his eyes focused on my hair, catching a glimpse of a quick sketch inked onto his wrist.
He pulled back and turned towards the counter again.
"Ben?" he called.
Raphael had smelt like tea, his face inches from mine, it was hard to ignore the scent.
"One second!" someone called back.
And a few seconds later, a man who looked to be in his mid forties appeared through the doorway.
"Ah, Raphael, I thought you were busy today. I would have popped in at the tea shop myself if I'd known."
Raphael waved him off with a hand like he usually did. "It's fine. You know we barely get any customers there during the week, anyway. I came to ask for a favor."
The man finally acknowledged my presence. "Hello."
I nodded. "Hi."
His eyes swept over my body roughly, and when he deemed me worthy enough of his presence, Ben moved behind the counter to shake my hand.
"Who's this?" he asked Raphael.
"A friend of mine, Jake. I was hoping you could help him actually. You see, he's been looking for a job and I remembered how much you complained about having to do all this on your own."
Ben frowned. "I'm perfectly capable of doing my job."
"There's dust on the counter."
Ben swiveled around, a blurry motion, as he examined the countertop.
He turned to face us again slowly. "I forgot to dust."
Raphael nodded like that was a perfectly normal thing to forget to do. "That's why I think you should hire Jake."
Ben glanced my way again. "I could just remind myself next time."
"Yes, but what about the cash register? I know you've struggled with counting money-"
"I only asked you for help because I needed a second set of eyes." He sniffed.
"See? So you do need Jake," Raphael stated surely.
Ben's shoulders sagged visibly. "All right, all right."
Raphael grinned. "Thanks, Ben."
Ben grunted, turning to me. "We should discuss your timetable. Full time or part time?"
"Part time," I said.
He nodded. "I'll be back with the papers."
He walked behind the counter and into the backroom.
"He doesn't like me much, does he?" I asked Raphael.
"He'll warm up to you eventually. He holds his store in high priority, it's like his own child."
I turned to him fully, making sure his eyes met mine. "Thank you. I appreciate your help."
A corner of his lips pulled upwards. "Don't worry about it."
My sister is Skyping with her boyfriend and she's chanting "stop breathing, stop, stop, stop."
Relationship goals.
Thanks for reading lol