I needed to get my own apartment soon.
Dan's latest girlfriend was giggling beneath his bed covers and I heard him laugh back, voice low as he spoke back seductively.
I pressed on the volume button, willing the music to boom louder in my ears but I soon realized it wasn't the volume of my music that I should be worried about it. It was the kind of music I was listening to. Alex Turner's deep, soft drawls did nothing to conceal any exterior sounds.
Frustrated, I flung my earphones aside, grabbed my coat and shoes, and left the dorm room without a second glance.
I walked down the hall with only one purpose: to get as far away from my room as possible.
It didn't take long for me to remember that I had no where to go, and my footsteps faltered accordingly.
I didn't make many friends when I moved away. I was the tall, loner guy who never attended any parties, kept to himself, and always seemed to be elsewhere.
Except I wasn't. I was just there like the rest of them, aware of their curious glances, the way their eyes never seemed to bore from my wallowing figure.
In my head it felt like everything around me was from a movie. I was seeing myself move around, seeing myself study, watching as I swiftly avoided any kind of friendly conversation.
My footsteps slowed and I contemplated turning around, but just the image of Dan's cocky grin as a girl straddled him put me off instantly.
I glanced at my surroundings. A dark hallway with barely any source of light.
The library was an option, but I wasn't sure what time it closed, if it ever did. Besides, I never found the seats comfortable enough.
I wasn't tired, I just needed an escape.
I walked to the university's exit and began walking.
I lived in a small town, isolated from the city, where everyone knew everyone.
It was a lot different from where I lived months ago.
Everything was different.
I breathed in the fresh night air, something I was starting to get used to.
Sometimes I walked around the block a few times, memorizing the steps I took as I thought of home.
That night, I felt a little adventurous.
I walked away from the college building instead of around it like I usually did.
I walked past the local bakery, lights long turned off. I walked past the bookstore, the grocery store, the tiny vintage bar by the corner. Past the coffee shop that I couldn't look at without feeling a twinge in my heartstrings.
Before I knew it, I was leaving the small town behind me, and walking right past an invisible borderline that separated it from the city.
Lights.
They were everywhere.
It brought back so much memories that it hurt. My chest felt tight, every step I took inside the city brought me physical pain.
He was everywhere.
People walked past me, unfazed by the fact that it was late into the night. They bumped into my shoulder, they brushed past me, they touched my arm lightly, walking their own way.
While I walked the opposite direction.
Cars zipped past me. Cars slowed down. People hopped out, people hopped in.
I stuffed my hands in the pocket of my coat, clenching my fists.
My legs were aching, but I kept walking.
There was a club at the end of the street, a short line of people waiting to get in.
I stood at the end of the line a minute later.
I handed the built man by the door my ID, he let me in, holding my gaze for a moment.
I looked away, and walked into the club, instantly shrugging my coat off and placing it on a bar stool before I took a seat.
The bartender shook a drink in his hand, laughing and conversing with a drunken customer.
He came over to me a moment later. "What can I get you tonight?"
I didn't know what to say, I wasn't thinking when I'd walked in. Did I even want a drink?
He smiled at me lightly. "Can I make a suggestion?"
"Sure," I replied.
"How about a virgin mojito?"
"Virgin?"
"You don't look like the type who drinks."
I used to, I wanted to say. I drunk texted Nate too many times in my life time.
"Ian ends up tipsy almost every time we do. I'm starting to get used to it and it doesn't bother me anymore."
"I don't," I replied.
"Virgin mojito it is."
He grabbed a few things from the large shelf behind him, buzzing around behind the counter as he mixed a concoction together in front of me.
I watched him move around, hands expertly preparing my drink.
He slid a glass towards me with another friendly smile. "Enjoy."
I nodded, lifting the glass up to my lips.
I sipped at my drink as I carefully observed the bartender's movement.
He was attractive, I noticed. His smile was broad on his face, his eyes alight with delight, his hair pulled back in one of those manly buns people were sporting a lot these days.
His arms looked strong, muscled, his fingers firm with years of hard work.
He caught my gaze once and walked over, grabbing my glass before refilling it.
"I don't-"
"It's on me."
I watched him walk off, resuming his work.
I lifted the glass again.
This time I turned in my seat and viewed the rest of the club.
Typically, there was a dance floor in the center, where a crowd of people danced along with the loud music blaring from the giant speakers.
A few people sat in the booths that ran alongside the walls, while others like myself chose to sit on the bar stools instead.
A man about my age took a seat beside me, raising an innocent hand to gather the bartender's attention.
They conversed back and forth until the man decided on a drink.
Meanwhile I was still cradling my (non-alcoholic) drink in my hand, still scanning the people around me.
I caught sight of a woman at the very other end of the bar, nursing her own drink.
She was staring at me.
She took careful sips of her drink, adamant not to smear any of her lipstick onto the glass. She put the glass down and smiled.
I smiled back before turning around and drinking some of my own drink.
"Hey."
I turned to my right and she was there, the same woman with the same bright red lips that looked as if they were permanently painted onto her skin.
She slid into the seat beside me and I watched as her mini black dress rose higher up her thigh.
She crossed her legs. "What are you having?"
I glanced at my drink. "Virgin mojito."
She laughed. "Virgin? Are you underaged?"
I raised my eyebrows. "Are you?"
She smiled. "Are you complimenting me without really complimenting me?"
"I'm really not sure anymore."
She laughed again, throwing her head back. "I'm so drunk right now."
"I couldn't tell."
She laughed again and touched my shoulder. "Handsome and sarcastic?"
I smiled because I couldn't resist the urge. "Pretty and drunk?"
"Funny," she said, throwing back a shot of what looked like vodka. She shook her head. "Let's get out of here."
"Out of here?" I paused. "Oh."
She raised a perfectly arched eyebrow. "Are you not interested in me?"
I considered it. "I don't know, isn't there an amount of drunk you have to be to have a one night stand?"
She hummed thoughtfully. "Have a drink from me, then. I'll pay."
"No, that's all right," I laughed. "I'm sure you won't like it tomorrow morning."
She waved her hand. "Nonsense. I'd pat myself in the back. Besides, you look like a good lay. Call it a pay back for a good time."
"How are you so sure-"
"Don't question it. It's a sixth sense that I have. Your mojito is the only thing that's virgin here, right?"
I couldn't help but let out a chuckle. "Yeah."
"Right. Sixth sense is still in business."
She called the bartender and ordered a passion fruit mojito. He glanced at me, then glanced between the two of us before smirking as he shook his head.
He came back with the drink a few seconds later and I took my time drinking it as the woman introduced herself to me.
"I'm so rude!" she exclaimed suddenly. "I didn't even tell you my name. It's Scarlet."
"Jake," I said.
I had one other drink and a few shots until I could no longer walk in a straight line.
Scarlet slid off her seat and threw a wad of cash onto the bar. "C'mon."
I let her wrap an arm around mine and drag me off to the exit.
I thought of Nate as we pushed past the crowd.
I'd been with other people.
Of course I had.
People before I'd met him. People after.
"Your place?" she asked.
I shook my head. "Dorm."
Her eyebrows shot up. "How old are you, really?"
"Twenty-two."
"Oh, hey! I'm older than you. That's cool."
I didn't see how it was cool, but by that point all I could think of was how her hair reminded me of Nate's, and how good her legs looked.
She was pretty, with soft waves of hair that paused right above her hips and a few wisps of it framing her face. Her eyes were dark with makeup, cheek bones harsh, perfectly red lips.
She called a cab, then turned to me.
I placed a hand around her waist and pulled her closer to me. Her eyes darkened as she relaxed against me, placing her hands on my chest for balance.
With her red stilettos on, she'd come up to the perfect height, her lips just slightly below mine.
I bent my head down and placed my lips over hers, head buzzing, heart shattering my ribcage. I wanted to kiss her so hard that her perfect lipstick would come off. I wanted to lick it off, wanted her to want me to lick it off.
I grabbed the back of her head and pulled her closer to me, pressing us together, feeling her heat against my skin.
She pulled back as her phone buzzed, breathless, blinking through hooded eyes.
The cab pulled up a minute later, and we paused our making out session for the time being.
I let her climb in first before sliding in after her, half listening to the instructions she gave the driver.
She glanced at me when she was done, realizing that I was staring at where the front of her dress paused over her chest.
As if it happened on a regular basis, she shifted closer to me until we were tangled up together like we were before.
I licked her lipstick off by the time we got to her apartment and I stared at her bruised lips with satisfaction while she stared back at mine.
We climbed out of the cab and walked clumsy to the door, then up the elevator to her apartment.
She unlocked the door and let me in before pushing me against the door.
I let her kiss me, kissing her back. I let her wrap her legs around my hips, her dress piling all the way up. I let her run her fingers through my hair.
She pulled back and got back on her feet. "Condom?"
I pulled out my wallet to check and held up the wrapper. "Where's the bedroom?"
She grinned.
She pushed me to her room where she slid out of her dress and kicked off her shoes before falling back against the bed.
I climbed over her and heard her giggle beneath me. I smiled and bent down to kiss her briefly on the lips.
My fingers traced her side and heard, her breath turning ragged. She clenched my biceps, fingers bundled around the material of my t-shirts.
"Take it off," she breathed.
I tugged my shirt off and threw it aside. Her hungry eyes traveled down my chest to the top off my pants.
"I meant all of it."
I licked my lips and tugged my jeans off, too. Then pulled off my shoes and socks.
Her eyes fell to my boxers, which felt uncomfortably tight.
I eyed her back, letting my eyes roam over her tanned skin. Her matching red lingerie.
Our eyes met and she slowly ran a hand over my chest. "This is taking too long."
So I unclasped her bra and watched her wiggle out of her underwear. I pushed her against the mattress, let her hands rip off my boxers, and kiss me until neither of us could breathe. So we pulled apart and tried again, to muffle our voices. We gave up on that, too.
She unwrapped the condom. I kissed the skin on her chest, her nails dragged lines against the skin on my back.
She pulled me closer until there was nothing left between us.
Yet the last thing I thought of after rolling away from her a while later was how much I'd wished I could have done that with Nate when I'd had the chance, no matter how bad that sounded, even to myself.