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***
Jess looked at Shane. The little dog's butt was in the air, his tail wagging madly, his whole body positioned for take-off, eager to chase the elusive stick.
Cacee smiled. "I did warn you."
Jess rubbed his arm. "After it was already in the air. Besides, you didn't warn me your dog would expect to fetch five-billion times in a row." Cacee laughed and Jess grinned and threw the stick again. It was amazing he'd been with her this long and hadn't screwed anything up. The more time he spent with her, the easier it became.
It didn't hurt how much he liked looking at her. It wasn't just the pale skin and those twilight eyes. Or the mist of freckles across her nose and cheeks. Or the way her hair glinted red in the sunlight and looked so soft he wanted to bury his hands in it. It was the sharp intelligence in those pretty eyes. How easy it was to make her smile. The unselfconscious way she laughed and how she'd hit those targets like it was nothing and how she dressed in jeans and a gray hoodie instead of form-fitting designer clothes.
Shane woofed at him to throw the damn stick again. Cacee laughed. Jess turned and smiled at her. He liked how warm he felt when she smiled back. It had been so long since he'd found a girl attractive he'd started thinking Chloe permanently fucked him up. Apparently he'd just needed a couple years to bounce back. And Cacee seemed like the perfect girl to bounce back with. Sweet. Innocent. Safe. She hadn't mentioned a boyfriend either, not even when he'd fished for information.
Shane barked. Jess looked at the little dog. Shane had dropped the stick at his feet again. The pup's tail still whipped back and forth as he eyed it intently. Jess laughed. "Your dog needs professional help. Some Zoloft or Paxil. A few years of therapy? Something."
Cacee giggled, which was enough to make him throw the stick again
By the time Shane was worn out, a good twenty minutes later, Jess's arm was sore. The pup curled up at Cacee's feet and Jess took advantage of Shane's position to move closer and pet him.
He'd only just leaned down when Cacee's eyes widened and her hands flew over her mouth.
Jess was on his feet, fists up, before he'd even thought about it. More than once today he'd heard weird crap, sensed eyes burning into the back of his head. Now he scanned the dark trees for a threat. It took him a second to feel Cacee tugging on his T-shirt. His eyes dropped to her but Cacee wasn't looking at him. She said, "It's okay. It's nothing bad. Just look!"
He followed the line of her gaze and saw a squirrel, a few feet from the log where she sat. The little guy kept taking tiny steps, closer and closer.
Shane jumped to his feet and Cacee ordered, "Sit, Shane. Stay quiet." Shane immediately sat.
Jess followed suit. Jesus. Why did he jump up like that? Talk about making an ass out of himself. Cacee's eyes were huge as she whispered, "Do you see how close he's getting? What is he doing? Look how cute he is!"
Instead of looking at the squirrel, Jess looked at her. Cacee's cheeks were flushed with excitement, her eyes wide. The tension eased from him. Chances were, she'd been so caught up in the squirrel she hadn't fully noticed his reaction. Beside him, Cacee fidgeted, like an excited little kid. He smiled, looking from her, to the squirrel who now stood less than two feet away. She didn't seem the type who'd tell. Still though, he probably shouldn't.
The squirrel came a few steps closer.
Jess glanced at Cacee again. Her hands were over her mouth. She asked in a muffled voice, "Have you ever seen an animal act like this?"
Hmm. Only one or two... hundred of them. He thought about her asking him to play the guitar and how he'd had to tell her no. He'd never played in front of anyone so the last thing he wanted to do was try it in front of Cacee and get so nervous he sucked. Hell, for all he knew, he sucked when he wasn't nervous. It wasn't like he had anyone around to ask. But this was different. It would be impossible for him to screw this up. And she might be impressed enough to let him kiss her goodbye. He took a deep breath, slid off the log and knelt.
Cacee whispered, "You're gonna scare him away."
He winked at her before leaning closer to the squirrel and holding out his hand. The tiny creature stepped daintily up. Jess lifted him to face level. "Hey, buddy."
The squirrel let out a low chatter and blinked button-black eyes.
Jess carefully trailed a finger down the fuzzy back. The squirrel rubbed against his hand like a Lilliputian cat. He kept his eyes on his new friend as his mouth went dry. What if Cacee wasn't impressed? What if she just got scared or freaked out by this? Maybe he should've thought about it a little more. Shit. He tried to appear unconcerned as he turned towards her.
Cacee's eyes were so huge they took up half her face. She stared at the squirrel for another few long seconds.
He swallowed hard.
Then Cacee beamed at him and asked in a soft voice. "How are you doing that?"
He turned back toward the squirrel to hide his smile. "I told you. Animals like me."
"All animals?"
He looked at her again. "Pretty much."
Cacee shook her head in obvious amazement and then wiggled and pointed.
He turned and saw another squirrel by his knee. When he out his free hand, it clambered up, chattering loudly for attention. He glanced back at Cacee.
She half-whispered. "That's the coolest thing I've ever seen." She grabbed her backpack.
Jess stiffened, thinking she was about to get her phone and try to record this or take a picture. He didn't have a phone, so he often forgot how obsessed everyone else seemed to be with theirs. To his surprise, Cacee pulled out a bottle of water instead.
He turned back to the squirrels, grinning."Yeah, it's pretty cool. But it's kind of a secret, okay? I mean, it's definitely a secret. It's just, people can be fuc—shi—ass--." He took a deep breath. "Jerks, y'know? So, you won't tell, right?"
He gave both the squirrels a few more scratches, avoiding her eyes. Jesus. It would help if he was capable of talking to her without constantly cursing and falling all over himself. As long as they talked books or music he did fine. But get him on any other subject and he got just nervous enough to start slipping. Not that a few curses should matter. But this girl came from a different world than his. For all they seemed to have in common, he and Cacee were opposites in every way that actually mattered. What was he doing here with her? He shouldn't be here.
Before his thoughts continued Cacee gushed, "I won't tell. I promise. You're really cool. I've never met anyone like you." She sputtered to a stop. Although she'd stopped blushing and stuttering right around the time she'd blown his mind with her slingshot, now her cheeks were bright pink again. Jess took note of how she turned her head in just the right way for her hair to cover her. It was a gesture she'd done quite a few times today, as if she were used to hiding herself away. She bent, started petting Shane again and added more quietly, "Thanks a lot for showing me, Jess. Really." Between her words, the blush and her somehow-poignant habit of shielding herself with her hair, she'd reminded him of exactly why he'd stayed out here with her all afternoon.
He nodded, liking how his name sounded in her mouth. He felt weird. Sort of light or warm or something. He vaguely remembered the feeling from when he'd been young. He wasn't sure if he liked it or not. Still, he didn't regret showing her. He'd been about five when his mom warned him not to let other people see him petting wild animals. She'd told him there were bad people who would lock him up and study him like a lab rat. He'd promised her he wouldn't tell. He'd never wanted to break that promise until today.
He watched Cacee out of the corner of his eye. She was drinking water, being cool. No questions. No requests to do it again. Like she just got him.
She caught his eye and held out her water. "Want some?"
He brushed off his knees and moved back to the log. "Thanks."
"No problem."
He made sure to drink from the same spot as her. Behind Cacee the sun burned the horizon, leaving pink and purple scorch marks across the sky. He studied the plum-colored clouds, trying to match the hue to Cacee's eyes. Close, but not quite. Sometimes they were the serene blue of a river. Then she'd blink and they'd be the shade of his old denim jacket. Or she'd turn and they'd be the wild violets his mom loved. He'd never seen eyes so changeable.
Cacee squirmed.
Jess dropped his gaze in the same second the answer came to him. He blurted. "Sorry. It's your eyes. Are they contacts or something?"
"No."
This answer caught him so off guard he stared at her again.
She shrugged. "I know. They're kind of bizarre."
He shook his head. "That's not how I would describe them."
At this, Cacee turned so painfully red it looked like she might burst an artery. With a slight grin, he decided it was time to change the subject. He cast around for something to say as a breeze blew, sending chills across his arms. He looked at the setting sun again and reluctantly admitted, "I really have to get going."
Cacee nodded. "Actually, me too." She shoved the water bottle back into her pack and hoisted it onto her shoulder.
Should he offer to carry her books? Did guys still do that? He had no clue. He ran a hand through his hair and asked, "Need some help?"
"I've got it. Thanks." She picked up her bag, and he followed her from the clearing. He wondered if the book thing counted as strike one and hoped it didn't.
They walked in companionable silence while his brain went in circles. Everyone in school was going crazy about homecoming. His caseworker was a bitch, but if he made it sound wholesome, she might make the Smitherson's give him some money and let him go. If not, no big deal. He'd hit their wallets some night while they were sleeping. He could "borrow" a suit from Mr. Smitherson, sneak out, hitch to the school, and have Cacee meet him there. But, ugh. Homecoming. Did he really want to ask?
He glanced sideways at Cacee, thought about holding her in his arms, slow-dancing. Thought of pulling her closer, burying his hands in all that thick hair and pressing his mouth against hers. Looked at that way, homecoming seemed like an excellent idea.
He frowned at the way his stomach kept clenching. This wasn't a big deal. Cacee definitely seemed cool, but she was just one girl. Now that he wasn't all screwed up about Chloe anymore, he'd probably be attracted to plenty of girls. Lots of fish in the sea and all of that. So it really didn't matter if this particular fish said yes.
Silence fell as they made their way through a dense part of the path. When it opened up again, Jess took a deep breath and cleared his throat. "So, the whole homecoming thing. Everyone's going pretty crazy about it." He paused nervously before saying, "Do--"
Something struck him in the back of his head. Hard. "Shit!"
Cacee turned. "You alright?"
He rubbed his head, looked around, and caught a flash of something large dropping out of a tree about fifty feet away. He took a few steps in that direction before stopping. He wasn't even sure what he'd seen. Or if he'd seen anything at all. Probably a trick of his eyes. But what hit him? Maybe a falling acorn.
"Jess?"
He looked at Cacee and remembered what they'd been talking about. His stupid stomach rolled again.
Cacee started walking and said, "People around here go nuts for homecoming. It's like their big event of their year. It's so lame."
He let himself fall behind her. Well, that blew. She obviously realized what he'd been about to ask her. At least she'd cut him off and let him keep his pride. Still, definitely strike two. He reminded himself she was only one girl. He could easily get a date. The fact that he didn't want to date the type of girl who generally wanted to date him was his own stupid hang up. To Cacee, he replied, "That's what I started to say. I mean, it's a stupid football game and some lame-ass dance. What are they so excited about?"
Although he'd foregone smoking for most of the afternoon, he reached into his pocket and stopped to light a cigarette.
Cacee glanced back at him. "Did anyone ever tell you those are kind of bad for you?" She smiled.
He put on an expression of shock. "Seriously? Naaah. You must be mistaken."
Her eyes sparkled. "It's crazy, right? You'd think inhaling carcinogens into your lungs would be healthy but oddly enough, it's not."
He laughed but the lit the cigarette before saying, "I'm actually quitting. This is definitely my last pack." The lie rolled off his tongue without any of the effort he'd put into lying earlier. It's not like it would matter. If he even saw her again, he'd go a few hours without smoking.
Cacee's face brightened. "I know quitting is really tough. But that's awesome. Good job."
She looked genuinely impressed.
Well, shit. Why he hadn't thought of lying about his life earlier? He'd had all afternoon with her. In fact, he'd even been smart enough to bullshit her about getting straight A's, but then he'd let the ball drop. He could've told her all kinds of impressive bullshit. Wow. He was such a dumbass. They began walking again, and he shivered. Twilight had spread across the sky like a bruise and the sun was now no more than a red scrape on the horizon.
Cacee turned towards him. "I know the days are nice but the mountains get cold as soon as the sun goes down. You should wear a coat next time. I mean if you want to come hang out again."
His spirits rose. She wanted to hang out again. Since Atticus and Finch went to an expensive-ass private school, they got a shit-ton of homework. He wouldn't be able to pull off his homework, their homework and all his chores very often. No more than once a week he'd guess. But that should work, especially if he busted his ass the other four days to make sure the house was perfect. He nodded and tried to sound casual. "Yeah, hanging out again would be cool." The path forked as they stepped out of the woods and he gestured towards the left. The roof of the Smitherson's huge Victorian house jutted out the top of a nearby hill. His stomach sank as he pointed, "That's where I live so..."
Cacee bit her lip before saying, "Oh. Okay. Ummm, tomorrow's Saturday. I'm not sure when I'm coming out but, if you're not busy, I can come knock for you."
Shit. Why the hell did he mention where he lived? He fumbled for a second before realizing she'd just handed him the perfect opportunity to try impressing her. "Actually, I have Eagle Scouts tomorrow." One of his case-workers had urged him to join Boy Scouts and work on reaching that goal, because it would "look great on a college application." Like he had some chance of going to college. Or of being a Boy Scout. Yeah, right. Not unless they started giving out badges on thievery.
But, apparently the case-worker was right. Cacee looked so impressed he felt compelled to add, "It's only for a couple hours but, when I'm done, I'm the troop leader for the Cub Scout pack."
She put her hand over her heart as her eyes brightened even more. "Awww. That's so nice."
He shrugged modestly.
Cacee looked up at him in a way that made his stomach do a quick flip. She ventured, "Sunday?"
And it was like the first lies smoothed the way for each consecutive lie to come easier. "Sorry. I have church. After that is Youth Group. Plus I help the pastor with his paperwork in the evening."
Cacee raised her eyebrows. "Wow. Looks like I'm not the only one full of surprises."
He gave her a humble shrug.
There was a slightly awkward pause before Cacee said, "I guess I'll see you around then?"
He quickly said, "I'm free next Friday. I know it's awhile but I'm with--" His brain spun for just a second before providing the name of his imaginary cousin. "Peter every day after school."
Cacee looked at him curiously. "Why don't you bring him with you? Little boys love the woods."
A brilliant solution for continuing their friendship occurred to him. One that was so perfect it made it hard to appear suitably forlorn. "Actually, Peter has some problems. He's not like other little boys. He's autistic. And also uh...agoraphobic."
Cacee put her hand over her heart. "He's afraid to leave the house?"
He tried to look as sad as she did. "Yeah. During the day, he stays with a nanny but she can only watch him part time. So after school I have him. The only time we make him go out is for the doctors or therapy. Unfortunately, because of his other issues, I can't have friends over. Strangers terrify him. And I watch him every day but Fridays when he's gone for therapy." There. If that didn't cover his ass, nothing would.
Cacee said, "That must be really tough."
He shook his head. "It's not. I love spending time with him."
Their eyes met. Her expression now went beyond admiring. She was looking up at him like he'd just galloped in on a white steed. Like he was her hero.
Jess fought to keep from grinning. He wondered how much better the homecoming question would've worked if he'd been smart enough to lie earlier.
Still smiling, Cacee said, "Friday is good for me. Want to meet in the clearing?"
"Yeah. That would be cool."
Their eyes continued to hold. God he wanted to kiss her. Was it possible he'd changed her mind? Did he dare try?
He was still trying to decide when Cacee took a few steps backwards and said, "Okay. See you on Friday, Jess."
He nodded and bent to pet Shane. The pup gave him a few licks, Cacee gave him one last wave and they headed off in the opposite direction. She didn't offer to give him her number, which was probably a good thing since he'd have had to steal one of the Smitherson's cell phones to call her. She didn't look back at him.
He'd have normally counted both things as strikes. Instead, he kept remembering those last few admiring looks. Cacee really didn't seem like a kiss-on-the-first-meeting kind of girl. So maybe she just needed time to get to "know" him. He couldn't currently think of anything more impressive than the bullshit he'd already told her, but he had a whole week to consider it.
The breeze blew again, and he broke into a run. It wasn't like she could find out the truth. And so what if she did? She'd be pissed, cut ties with him and that would be the end of it. No big deal. Besides, he never lasted anywhere longer than a few months. No doubt the Smitherson's would boot him out long before she suspected anything.
His feet pounded the grass as the cold air expanded his lungs, making him aware of how tight they felt, like he was coming down with something. Ignoring it, he ran harder, circling the corner and making a quick pit stop at the shed. The doors creaked open with a groan and he sneezed three times and flipped on the light, revealing an assortment of tools, outside toys and a large ride-on mower. Neither of his foster brothers came back here because the shed was full of spiders. He'd found out within days of being placed with the Smitherson's that the only way to keep Atticus and Finch away from his guitar was to hide it in here when he went to school.
Now he pulled the case out, climbed up on the ride-on mower and dusted it off carefully. A glance through the open doors showed the sky steadily darkening. He really needed to go in. He'd already have to move at the speed of light to get all his chores done before the Smithersons got home.
Even as he had the thought, his hand unzipped his case. He quickly tuned his guitar and strummed a few chords. Smoking was good for keeping stress at bay and fighting was great for blowing off steam, but nothing worked for him the way playing did. It was as essential as food or water.
He closed his eyes and began automatically strumming the Beatles. His mother's favorite band. As always, he wondered if today would be the day he went inside and found a message from her. Please God, let it be today.
She usually kept in touch. At least a phone call a month was their rule. With the way they both bounced around, it was the best either of them could do. It had been nine weeks since they'd talked though Nine goddamn weeks. He knew what that meant. She was having episodes again, probably not taking her meds.
His hands flew over the strings and he played louder. Faster. He ran through a jarring, angry version of Eleanor Rigby and Don't Let Me Down, all the while trying to convince himself everything would be okay. His mom would get back on her meds. She'd apply for benefits and get a nice little apartment somewhere, just big enough for the two of them. The state would declare her stable.
As his hands segued into a melancholy rendition of Blackbird he promised himself, again, that he'd keep his shit together until she was okay. He would prove he was not a danger to society. The courts would send him home and he'd finally be able to take care of his mom, like he should've been all along.
There was only one problem with that plan. He'd only been living with the Smithersons for two weeks and the stifled resentment was already giving him a fucking ulcer. He didn't know how much more he could handle. Apparently not much, considering he'd already be on his way back to jail if it wasn't for Cacee.
A small smile played around his mouth as he rewound the scene in the hallway and let it repeat. His fingers started playing the riff he'd heard in his head when Cacee looked up and their eyes met. He added the chords easily, like she was a song he'd known forever but hadn't remembered until now. Even the words came like an afterthought.
Indigo tears falling from her eyes, they'll fall until I'm done
The destinies in front of us are now narrowed down to one
Indigo tears washing crimson fog into a gentle violet haze
Those tears they'll water down my pain till I'm no longer in a daze.
The lyrics were nothing like he normally wrote, but he liked them enough to reach for the pen and notebook he always kept in his case. That's when he realized the shed was too dark to even see his case. Shit. Hurriedly putting his guitar away, he jumped down, shut the shed doors and ran for the house.
As he stepped inside the plate-strewn kitchen, his eyes darted to the message board beside the fridge. Somewhere in the house, Atticus and Finch were arguing. There were two loud crashes followed by a wail of either pain or outrage. All of it felt distant next to the empty message board. He stared at it for a minute, his breath tangled up in his lungs. Then he forced himself to relax and turned resolutely away.
Everything would be alright. It would. His mom would call within the next week or so. He felt sure of it. In the meantime he finally had something to focus on besides his missing mother and the asshole Smitherson's. Cacee. Her face filled his mind and his breath came a little easier. He had to figure out how to become Mr. Respectable Eagle-Scout. And he had to make it good. Convincing. For a couple hours a week, he had the chance to be someone else entirely. For a couple hours a week, he was going to become the kind of guy who could actually date a girl like Cacee Adams.
***
Cacee stopped in her slowly-darkening yard and peered through the kitchen window. Her heart sank as she saw her mom at the stove, stirring a pot of something. Of course today would be one of the few days her mother didn't work late. A twinge of guilt went through Cacee, but she pushed it away. It's not like she didn't want to see her mom. She just couldn't let her mother know she'd been out in the woods all afternoon with a guy she'd only met earlier today. According to her mother, she had no business with boys. She was too young to date and why else would she want to talk to a guy? Besides, men only wanted one thing. Her virginity. A notch in their belts. Once they'd stolen her virtue, she'd be left pregnant and alone, her future in tatters. Then she would wish she'd listened to her mother.
And Cacee would bet all her mom's warnings went double for beautiful blood-stained young men who cursed and smoked and hung out with wild squirrels. No doubt they were the worst of the virginity-thieving, belt-notching, future-wrecking rats.
Cacee giggled and dropped to her knees beside Shane. "Geez. If she ever met Jess, she'd lock me in my room forever, huh Shane?"
In answer to this, Shane snuggled into her lap. She pet him and crooned softly, "But you like Jess, don't you, boy? And you don't like anyone."
Shane thumped his tail as if he recognized Jess's name. Her light laugh turned into a sigh. She felt like one of the squirrels Jess held with such ease. One afternoon and he had her wrapped around his finger. Then again, who could blame her?
Other than the smoking thing, which he was quitting, Jess seemed stupidly perfect. She guessed some adults would consider his language a deal-breaker, but she didn't care if he cursed. They were just words after all. That left only one potential flaw—the thing when the squirrel approached. He'd reacted like there was a threat but he hadn't been afraid. He'd been ready to fight.
She straightened a little, frowning. He'd moved so fast she'd barely seen him. One second he'd been petting Shane, relaxed and smiling. The next, he'd been on his feet, his fists up. She thought about it more and shook her head. She guessed it wasn't so strange after all. If she had to spend ninety percent of her time with an autistic, agoraphobic six year old, she'd probably be on edge as well. She might even take up smoking.
Cacee flopped back into the cold leaves and Shane tucked himself into the crook of her side. Above them, Polaris gleamed like a solitary coin in a wishing well. She whispered, "Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. Wish I may, wish I might..." With a sigh, she trailed off. She could wish all night long but nothing good would come of the crush she already had on Jess. It didn't take a genius to figure out that much. Either he would realize how she felt and it would ruin everything or she'd start liking him so much it would be impossible to stand just being his friend. Either way it was a bad idea.
She turned on her side and Shane immediately shoved his head under her hand. With a small smile, she obligingly ran her fingers through his soft fur as her thought continued. For three years, she'd been so lonely she'd wanted to hide under her covers until graduation. Would she honestly throw away her first friend over something as stupid as an unrequited crush? Was she that pathetic? Plus she didn't just like Jess in a boyfriend way.
She liked that he'd smiled when her dog got him all muddy. She liked the way he never sat completely still. She liked the way he'd quoted the Dark Tower books back and forth with her for at least a half hour until both of them were laughing at what nerds they were. She liked that he'd been fine with hanging out in the woods instead of hanging out in some mall. And that he hadn't pulled out his phone even once, much less a million times like everyone else. Or taken a single selfie. Or asked her last name so he could look her up on Facebook or Twitter or anywhere else. She liked all of that and a million other things. She could easily see staying friends with him. As for Jess, he already seemed like the type of friend who would stick.
The wind blew down her back and she shivered. "Come on, Shane. Time to go." She stood, brushed her jeans off and grabbed her backpack. So that was it then. She'd just needed to make up her mind. She was not some weak girl who "couldn't help" who she fell for. She would not have a stupid crush on Jess. Period. She would be the girl he could have fun with and not worry about all the dramatic dating stuff. She would be his friend. And she'd make sure he knew she didn't expect anything else from him.
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