Sometimes people walk into your life for the better.
Sometimes people walk into your life for the worse.
I walked into James' life, and he killed himself.
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It wasn't as sudden as I make it out to be. It wasn't like, "Hi, I'm James," then "Hi, I'm Avalon" and then he jumped off a bridge. It was much more subtle than that. He killed himself by being alive. By being in love. By actually jumping off a bridge.
At the time, it hurt terribly, because it was the exact thing he'd told me he wouldn't do. I can still see him smirk and hear him say, "Well, you didn't shake on it, and that's how we do business." It still hurts me. I'll be walking past a shop and see something he would've thought was stupid, but would later buy as house decoration, and then break down crying.
Maybe I'm killing myself too. I'm torturing myself, and the ghost of James likes to hang about, tease me when I make coffee, pull my hair on the train, laugh when I do something stupid, and smile when I do something endearingly stupid. He's not helping, but you can't tell a ghost not to haunt you. It's the only thing they know how to do. They don't know they're dead, you see, and if you try and bring it up they get terribly confused.
I best start at the beginning, now. Maybe then it might make a bit more sense.