"So where do you think she is?" Camila was growing increasingly agitated with each step.
"She'll probably be in her bedroom. The only problem is, I don't actually know where that is."
Camila stopped and spun around with shock plastered over her face. "You're her best-friend and you don't even know where her bedroom is?!"
Normani shrugged dejectedly. "Nobody does. All I know is that it is hidden away and completely private."
"But she told me!" Camila cried incredulously.
Camila swore that Normani's jaw hit the floor and eyes bulged out like something out of 'the Mask'. "You know where her room is?" Camila wasn't even sure whether Normani was asking her or asking herself.
"Ah, yeah..." Camila scratched at the side of her neck awkwardly. "She told me I could use her ensuite. I honestly thought it was nothing at the time..."
"Like it was nothing..." Normani sighed wearily. "Lauren will always be a mystery to me." She shook her head disparagingly. "Let's just keep going."
"Wait!" Camila called out randomly before they could continue creating a path through the numerous bodies. "I need to know... what's going on? What we are faced with?"
Ally shook her head. "You don't want to know. It's better not to."
"But I need to. What could be so bad?"
"Ally's right, but I won't hide it from you if you are sure." Normani's eyes bore into Camila's with a frightening level of intensity.
"I'm sure," Camila responded with as much conviction as possible, attempting to meet Normani's steely gaze with her own.
"Let's keep moving and I'll explain it to you."
Camila nodded and she led the way, trying to keep Normani at close proximity.
"Lauren has never been an open person. She doesn't even allow herself to feel, let alone allow others to witness it. And I have known her since she was 7.
"It may seem hard to believe, but this all started over something as innocent and mundane as a crush. The problem for her, was that this crush wasn't on a boy. But when she confessed her feelings to her mum... Let's just say her parents were not tolerant. They sent her to shrink after shrink and tried to force her to be 'normal' – and we all know how that always ends!"
She rolled her eyes before continuing, "Anyway. So she spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to convince herself and her parents that she was 'normal'. As the pressure gradually crushed her, she turned away from her friends and got in with the wrong crowd. Parties, drugs, gangs, one-night stands...you name it.
"She was addicted to coke and was constantly high. You don't even want to know what it was like when she rang; screaming about all kinds of crazy while tripping on hallucinogens. The amount of times she had a bad trip." Normani shook her head, closing her eyes forcefully, as if to force the memories away. "But I will never forget that night when she overdosed... I found her lifeless clammy body and had to rush her to hospital. The worst part of all was that someone had raped her while she was practically catatonic. It was a nightmare, but that wasn't...unusual for her.
"She was in a coma for 4 months after that. Neither of her parents could even be bothered to visit her once while she was there. We had to just pray that they wouldn't tell the hospital to pull the plug; I honestly doubt that they would have thought twice about it. The doctors were convinced she would be brain dead when she awoke, if she awoke. But then she did, and it felt like a miracle come to life.
"She was doing great for a while, but she was stubborn and refused to seek help, despite me suggesting psychologist after psychologist to her. She insisted that she knew how to cope, all while her nightmares were getting increasing bad again. So she began self-medicating and before anyone even knew what was happening, she was addicted to cocaine once again. She had finally accepted herself to a degree and was no longer letting guys use her, but she was completely broken. She believed that no one could ever love her after everything, so it would be a new girl every night.
"Ally, Alexa and I confronted Lauren about it. She was insufferable whenever we saw her – which was rare in any case – and whenever she bothered to show up to her college lectures and classes she would become so disruptive that she was permanently banned until she got her act together. The fact that she couldn't even focus throughout our intervention proved that she really needed help.
"We had been doing research and had selected a rehab centre and contacted her parents, claiming that Lauren needed the money for a trip to Hawaii with us. They never give two shits, as long as Lauren was 'keeping up appearances'." Normani rolled her eyes, her indignation evident in her expression. "Anyway, so within three days, we had organised the details and had Lauren on her way."
**Flashback**
17 months prior
Normani couldn't help but focus her eyes every minute or so on the rearview mirror. The sliver of reflective glass reminded Normani's guilty conscious of why they were doing this all in the first place. If the object of her attention had any cognition at all, she would have been meeting with her best friend's paranoic glances, but alas she remained unfocused and distracted.
Normani could barely recognise the girl sitting in the backseat beside Alexa. Her usually healthy, pale complexion was a sickly imitation of what it had once been. She appeared slender and fragile, her skin hanging off of her as if it no longer wished to be subjected to such abuse. Frantic pits of dilated black darted every few seconds, the laughter and life that once filled those eyes now leaving a senseless void in their place.
Her sockets were slightly sunken into her visible skull and her deep bags conveyed the endless hours of insomnia to match with the dull appearance of her slim irises. Her eyes were no longer the thrilling beacons of magnetism that had sent men and women to their knees, but now commanded pity and condemnation from those around her. When semi-sober, the once confident, albiet arrogant, air that the girl had once carried had dissipated into a poor emulation; her posture more akin to the 'Hunchback of Notre Dame'.
And worst of all was the relentless fidgeting. She could not remain still for any more than a half-second, constantly wiggling, moving and pacing. It would drive anyone crazy, in Normani's opinion. Her agitation would lead to her itching and scratching obsessively at her skin and chewing at her fingernails. When she hadn't taken a hit in anything over an hour she would break out into a sweat and her muscles would spasm, causing her body to tremor.
Normani observed Lauren turn to Alexa to mutter something. Alexa shook her head in response and grasped Lauren's hand responding with soothing words and movements. Still watching, she noticed Lauren nod imperceptibly as her left leg bounced in it's place. Her eyes darted around again, growing increasingly impatient. Then her eyes managed to lock onto Normani's dark ones, attempting to staring her down.
"Mani, I changed my mind. I don't want to go any more," her husky voice shaking in distress. Her eyes pleaded with Normani's, but the taller girl remained resolute and uncompromising.
"Too late Laur, you'll be fine."
"No. I don't want to go! I can't do this. Turn around!" she demanded now focusing on our driver, Ally. She had yanked her hand from Alexa's grip and now hand both hands curled into fists. Her gaze moved from each person radically fast and a sense of dread filled Normani's gut. "STOP THIS FUCKING CAR!!!"she suddenly screamed, as Alexa struggled to restrain her as she launched towards Ally.
"Fuck Lauren, CALM DOWN!" Alexa shouted back at her but it was in vain. The two girls tussled in the back as if they were two siblings embroiled in a silly fight. Normani watched on helplessly, glancing over at Ally for a moment to gather how she was fairing.
Normani refocused her attention on their driver. Ally's eyes remained glued to the road with a white-knuckled grip strangling the steering wheel in an attempt to block out everything that was happening. She felt the intensity of the other girl's gaze and eventually decided to meet it. "We're almost there," she mouthed in a whisper before turning back. Normani felt her body relax a little, leading her to realise how truly stressed she had become.
To her immense relief Ally was correct, not even two minutes later and they had arrived. Lauren had seemingly given up, still pinned down by a panting Alexa, who had her caught in an effective arm lock. Lauren was still trying to manipulate the girls into releasing her, every insult and guilt trip she sent them on biting into the thick skin each girl had grown. As soon as the car stilled, Normani was out the door to help Alexa with Lauren. Lauren had entered a drowsy state by the time they removed her from the vehicle, and instantly transformed into a needy puppy.
The four girl's approached the large building surrounded by trees and doused in sunlight. There was a large glass front, that allowed their eyes access to the reception area. Normani was struck by the colourful and welcoming atmosphere as soon as they breached the entrance. The two receptionists seemed rather friendly, inviting them in to sit on the couches and offering beverages – it almost felt as if they were all visiting a long-lost friend.
"Are you sure this is rehab?" Alexa leaned over and whispered harshly to Normani, who responded with a nod and a shrug.
"Rehab for them rich people," she responded equally as lowly.
***
They quickly went through all the paperwork as Lauren sleepily admired all the colours before drifting into a restless sleep. Once they completed everything, two male nurses came into reception to inaugurate Lauren into the Sunlight Rehabilitation community.
Lauren was none too happy when she was roused from her short slumber. Her relentless grumbles continued throughout the entire tour, making Normani want to strangle her younger friend. Suffice to say, unlike Lauren, she and the two other girls were impressed. Normani would almost take a vacation here after witnessing the facilities and activities that were offered as a distraction for the addicts. There were two gyms, an Olympic swimming pool and sauna, a tennis court, a salon and several other redeeming features, not to mention the friendly atmosphere and staff. This is what Normani considered a 'pamphlet palace', a resort that appears exactly as the vacation pamphlet suggests, it even had the relaxed vibe to match.
Other than a few disgruntled patients, most seemed to be doing well in their recovery – more like guests than patients in Normani's personal opinion – and Normani felt that by leaving Lauren here, she would be in the safest of hands. All that was necessary was one shared glance between Normani and Ally for both to know that this place was seemingly perfect. They had done well in their research.
As they made their way back to reception, Normani noticed Lauren becoming increasingly agitated once again. She felt an uncomfortable knot form in her stomach, already predicting the oncoming onslaught the was about to wreak it's havoc. Normani swore that it was as soon as they all took their first step back into the foyer area that Lauren finally erupted.
"I may as well be dead for all anyone cares! No one fucking cares about Lauren Jauregui – HA! – what a fucking joke she is!" her eyes were filled with self-contempt and a burning hatred that frightened Normani more than she would like to have admitted.
"Lauren..." Ally started gently.
Lauren's head snapped in her direction, and Normani was almost glad that it was Ally trapped beneath the gaze of those shocking eyes. Ally flinched as Lauren raged at her, calling her an "timid little sheep" using bleating noises to emphasise her point. She then turned her attention to Alexa, whom she labelled an "inconsiderate traitorous bitch" and finally Normani claiming her to be a "self-righteous money-grabbing whore". Lauren went on, accusing them all of being "paid off" by her parents to restrict her freedom. Lauren was practically throwing everything they were trying to do for her right back in their faces for the second time that day. It was more than Normani could bear to take.
"STOP IT LAUREN! Please... just stop. We are doing this because we love you. Because we actually care," she pleaded. But Normani could plead for days and it still wouldn't have gotten through to the green-eyed mess.
"No! I see right through you, bitch. I fucking knew it!" Lauren snorted contemptuously as Ally shook her head, fighting back her tears. Normani knew there was no getting through to her, and she was aware that as much as they tried it would only do more harm to continue arguing.
"Maybe you're right Lauren. Who knows? But I think it's time for Al's, Lexi and I to leave. We've overstayed or welcome by the looks of it."
Normani observed the flash of panic and fear that crossed Lauren's features, before settling once again on scorn. "I think maybe you're right. Don't fucking bother visiting. There's the door; go do what everyone seems to do best," she spat, dismissing them toward the entrance. "Maybe by the next time you bother to "care" I'll be 10ft underground!"
** End Flashback **
"We left her there in a state, that's for sure!" Normani let out a bitter chuckle. "She was not happy and wouldn't let us see her for two whole weeks. Anyway, she ended out staying for two months. She probably only needed one, but as I said, that place was a goddamn palace!
"Since then, she's been close to clean ever since. She still drinks occasionally, and sometimes she overdoes it with the "Happy Pills" and dope, but overall she's done well. Until now..."
Camila nodded thoughtfully, her mind absorbing chunks of the information and spinning them around in a tornado like fashion. After all that she had heard, there was one single question that seemed to play on her mind. It was like an insistent mosquito bite that wouldn't stop itching until the top had been picked. Camila couldn't understand why this question seemed to remain so persistent in her mind, so she decided not to overthink it and asked. "What ever happened to her crush?"
Camila was momentarily distracted by her surroundings, recognising the same room as before. She remembered the area that Lauren had indicated, and lead the way over there and stopped still waiting for the answer. Normani turned back to look Camila dead in the eyes as she answered, "Oh, Lauren's still in love with her."
"So – so she's still around?"
Normani's head tilted to the side as she continued to stare Camila down "You could say that," she answered cryptically. Camila could see something in Normani's eyes, but her mind couldn't seem to connect the dots properly.
"Oh. Okay," Camila's voice sounded more dejected than she had hoped. At Normani's words there was a sudden pain that was trying to crush her vulnerable heart. Trying to ignore her thoughts, she avoided Normani's piercing gaze while her jealous mind battled her reason. Little did she know that by looking away, she missed the hope that sprung into Normani's eyes.
"Why do you ask?" Normani was now determined to pry an admission from the younger girl now, as she awaited the answer with palpable interest.
"I – uh, don't know. It doesn't really matter anyway." She shrugged as Normani's brow rose. "And we're here! Lauren pointed to this wall, so it has to be along here!" Camila remarked suddenly in an attempt to direct the conversation elsewhere.
"If you say so," she muttered as she turned away to work out where the door was. Now Camila was the one frowning, as her thoughts leaped over each other in a desperate cry for attention. She shook her head in an attempt to rid her mind of the thoughts that cluttered her ability to think rationally.
Her eyes landed in the large Lion King curtain that hung against the wall. She approached it in awe, smiling at the many memories that had been formed between them over that movie. It was without a doubt Lauren's favourite Disney movie, and had once upon a time been her own.
**Flashback**
14 Years Prior
Camila was so excited that Lauren was coming over today. She had prepared heaps of snacks with her mum, and had built a blanket fort for them to snuggle under. She had the entire night planned out, with a stack of movies sitting ready to go. Her mum had help her choose her outfit and braid her hair, even though she tried to remind Camila that "It's just Lauren!"
"Exactly!" the excitable girl exclaimed. Her mother only shook her head with a chuckle as Camila squirmed in her seat.
"Mija, you need to sit still if you want me to do your hair!" she laughed.
"But I want to see! I need to look pretty for Lolo, Mama," she exclaimed with another wiggle.
"You already look gorgeous, mi hija. Trust me and sit still. You'll be so pretty that even the stars will be jealous!" Camila giggled in response and tried to stay as still as possible.
Minutes later and Sinuhe had Camila staring at her reflection in awe. The young girl's eyes sparkled and she had the widest grin plastered across her small face. She looked up excitedly to her mother, who had kept her loving gaze focused on her 5-year-old daughter, and said to her mum: "Maybe Lolo will marry me now I'm as pretty as a princess."
***
Lauren was really special to Camila for a reason that she couldn't quite comprehend. Lauren was different from all of Camila's other friends, even Jake, the boy that all of the other girls liked. Camila couldn't understand why the others didn't like Lauren the way they liked Jake. Lauren was really pretty, and funny, and nice, and ALL the teachers loved her. But all the girls liked Jake, the one who thought it was cool draw penises on his test papers.
Camila didn't get it. She couldn't understand how others didn't get lost in the kaleidoscope of green, or crave the warmth of her soft embrace. She didn't know how others resisted laughing at all her funny jokes or smiling at Lauren's adorable grin.
But no.
All the other kids were scared of her. They called her names behind her back and whispered mean things in one anothers' ears. And all Camila wanted was for them to know how beautiful and sweet the green-eyed girl was. She wanted to protect Lauren from the harsh opinions that had been inflicted upon these children by their pretentious parents.
Why couldn't they all just see Lauren the way Camila saw her?
She remembered how – after Lauren's first day of school – she had found Lauren crying alone in her room. Lauren had told her to "go away", but instead she had crawled into Lauren's bed to cuddle. Lauren, through her tears, had told Camila how all the kids were scared of her and ran away from her eyes. She confessed to the younger girl that some of the kids had branded her a witch, claiming that she was evil sent to punish sinners. Camila had started to cry as well when Lauren showed some bruises of the stones and sticks that some of the kids hurled at her before the teachers intervened. And from that day forward, she made a promise to her neighbour to always be there to protect her Lolo no matter what.
***
A couple of hours later the familiar chime of the doorbell rang through the house. Camila practically squealed and jumped up, running through the house yelling "I'll get it, I'll get it!".
The panting girl flung open the door and squealed "LOLO!!!" as she leaped into the other girl's arms. "I missed you!" she sung. Her legs wrapped around the taller girl's waist in a koala hug as her fingers played with Lauren's hair.
"Camz!" the surprised girl exclaimed, with a slight "Oof!" at the force of the impact. "I missed you too," she mumbled into Camila's shoulder as she pulled the smaller girl in tight. Camila loved the feeling of safety that she felt in Lauren's warm arms, she always felt a welcome sense of comfort that reminded her of home. She loved the fresh vanilla aroma that seemed to emanate from Lauren's skin, which never failed to make Camila slightly giddy.
Lauren attempted to stumble trhough the doorway with the adorably clinging limpet hanging off of her. Camila finally got the idea and eased up, letting her own feet carry her rather than Lauren's.
"Hello Mr and Mrs Cabello!" Lauren said, her head lowered slightly hid her shy smile. She waved lamely, the awkwardness evidently covey in her tense movements.
"Oh darling, how many times have we told you to call us by our first names?!" Sinuhe chided, taking three long strides and wrapping the blushing girl in a gentle embrace. "You always look so gorgeous!" the woman exclaimed, allowing space for her husband to hug the girl as well. She winked conspiratorially with her giggling daughter, before her eyes locked onto the open doorway. "And what's that darling?"
Camila spun around and noticed the top of what looked to be a small bundle sitting out on the step. She turned back to Lauren who was blushing profusely and running a small hand through her dark brown locks. "I – I, uh, got you something, Camz," she stuttered nervously.
With three pairs of eyes trained on her, she retreated to the doorway and picked up whatever had been left there. Camila was brimming full of unbridled curiosity and snuck forward, almost giving Lauren a heart attack when she spun back around. To hide the immense embarrassment that was quite evident on her face, Lauren thrust a handful of flowers toward Camila. She snatched them up with a gleeful gasp and spun around gaily in excitement.
"They're – uh – gar-gardeni-yas..." Lauren blurted out with a nervous smile gracing her features. Her inability to pronounce the word gardenia was completely endearing to the witnessing parties, and the symbolism of the particular flower flying over all of their heads. "They're my fav-our-rite."
There was an "Aww!" that sounded out from the background, but the two girls were so enamoured with one another that they didn't even notice.
"They're really pretty, Lolo!" Camila gushed, her joy almost tangible as she threw her arms around Lauren's neck. She was still grasping the flowers, as she planted a huge kiss on the flustered girl's cheek. "Thank you," she whispered gratefully into Lauren's ear. Camila felt the older girl shiver at the action, but innocently believed it was the breeze through the open door. "Come on! Movie time!"
Camila led Lauren by the wrist through the house to the adorable set-up that she had planned. She watched as Lauren's eyes widened and a grin stretched itself across her face. The green-eyed girl turned her gaze upon Camila – her eyes a brilliant green – and she startled Camila by clasping her petite hand in her own and bringing it to her lips.
"After you, Princess Camz," Lauren announced, threading her fingers between Camila's and leading her first into the makeshift playhouse. Camila giggled and her stomach fluttered uncontrollably at Lauren's words, savouring every precious moment they shared.
After grabbing the remote and Lauren settling in beside her, she started the first film. With their hands still intertwined, they almost unconsciously crept closer and closer together. It quickly got to the point where Camila had finally had enough of the distance. She missed the warmth that Lauren's body provided, and craved the strange tingly feeling that sparked through their touch.
"Cuddles?" she asked innocently, her large brown puppy-like eyes gazing up into Lauren's tender ones. Lauren just nodded cutely and snuggled into Camila.
***
Eventually the two of them had fallen asleep, a small mass of gangly limbs and quiet snores. Camila eventually drifted back into reality, wriggling comfortably into the random warmth around her. Still barely conscious, her movements had awoken a young, sleepy Lauren. Camila watched in an awed daze as Lauren lazily blinked her eyes open and gave a cute little yawn.
"Lolo," she giggled, her hands curiously tracing along Lauren's face.
"Camz," she replied, also giggling and toying with Camila's hair.
"You're really pretty!"
"You're even prettier!"
"You're even prettierer!"
"Well you're the prettiest!"
"Well you're even prettier than the prettiestest person in the whole wide world!" Camila exclaimed, her arms widening dramatically for emphasis.
Lauren giggled. "You're really funny!"
"So are you!" the brown-eyed girl deflected.
Their faces were close now and they were staring deeply into each others' eyes as a giddy tension built. Lauren broke eye contact first, looking down at Camila's lips with a furrowed brow and then back up again. Camila could feel a strange soaring sensation rising from within her as they both began to playfully alternate their gaze between eyes and lips while giggling at the synchronisation of their movements.
"Can – can I k-kiss you?" Lauren barely whispered in an uncharacteristically low voice for a 6-year-old. Camila shivered pleasantly, the new strange sensation of the other girl's breath upon her lips making her chest tighten and her cheeks flush.
"I – I think so," Camila mumbled, equally as softly.
There were a few golden seconds between their indecision and their action. What they had both assumed would be a brief peck, became only slightly more as their young lips moved clumsily in a innocent lip-lock. They both pulled away after a second or two, a mirror of coy embarrassment between them. Camila slowly brought her fingers to her lips wistfully with a blush and wide smile, as Lauren seemed to become agitated.
Before Camila knew what was happening Lauren had jumped up, collapsing the blanket fort and was backing away toward the door.
"I have...gotta... go," Lauren breathed out. "I will...see you 'round Camilah." And before Camila could even comprehend, Lauren was gone.
The shocked girl was paralysed, the event replaying through her head to the tempo of Hakuna Matata which was being sung in the background. Her chest felt as though it had been trodden on by elephants and when her eyes grew blurry, her hand found wet tears making their tell-tale marks across her skin. Her princess charming had just abandoned her, leaving her alone with no dragon and no company. Hakuna Matata had never felt ironic until that moment.
And that was the day when Lion King ceased to be her favourite Disney film.
***
Camila was stunned at the recollection of the lost memories. Her parents had always joked about her slight girl-crush on her neighbour, but she had completely forgotten most of her and Lauren's time together as children. From deep within her heart, she could feel the abandoned feelings stirring up a fuss. Her brain seemed to have short-circuited, flashes of moments set on replay.
She quickly shook herself out of her reverie and tried to recall the reason behind her overwhelming sense of urgency. With a jolt to her vulnerable heart she remembered everything that had just happened and recognised just how much danger Lauren was truly in. She couldn't really pinpoint what it was exactly that possessed her to search behind the curtain, but she let out an excited squeal at what she had found.
The other girls were quickly drawn to the unusual noise and immediately joined Camila's excitement. That is, until their apprehension superseded any delight that had momentarily pervaded their minds. Camila's hand slowly reached for the door handle, insecurity evident by the visible tremors that seemed to possess her hand. The handle was turned and the door sprung open.
Camila tentatively stepped in, staring about as the moonlight drifted though the skylight that would be level with the ground outside. Lauren's room was filled with drawings, poems, quotes and lyrics, scrawled across the walls and on the neatly tacked on sheets. Her king sized bed sat grandly in the centre, it's Gothic style matching the rest of the furniture that filled the room. There was a smaller space off to the side that looked like it it was a small library, and there was a guitar sitting idly beside the bed begging to be played.
Camila's jaw dropped open even further when she looked up to see the night sky in the enormous skylight that existed as the roof to the bedroom and library. She could even make out a couple of the stars that seemed to wink innocently at her. It took her a few moments before she recognised how silent it sounded.
She looked about searchingly, fearing what she already knew was true.
They were wrong. Lauren wasn't here.
A/N:
I know many of you were keen to find out more about Lauren's past.
So what do you think???
Stay Beautiful,
Mel <3
P.S. Here are a couple of cute little things you might like to check out:
1. There is a cool app called "Vent" that allows you to vent or share your feelings anonymously, and is a great support to have.
2. "South of Nowhere" which is a great teen lesbian TV show that is slightly dated and corny, but still SO good! I am binge-watching it for the second time -- because apparently I have no life (which is actually a complete lie) -- and it really helped me a few years ago when I was still trying to accept myself. Anyway, WATCH IT!